A short update on my emotional state

Hello Everyone.    I know I left off yesterday in a really bad state and some of you may wonder how today is for me.  I was up until 3:30 in the morning.   I went to bed with Ron but couldn’t stay there.   I was far too anxious and upset.   So I stayed in my office watching videos and trying to distract myself.   Ron came out to check on me twice.   I got up at 7:30 AM and I couldn’t walk without support.  My back feels very weak and like it won’t hold me up.    I went back to bed for an hour to get my back under control.    Because of all the extra medication I took yesterday my stomach is a bit off, not bad but for most of the morning I wondered if I would be able to eat.   It seems to have settled down now.  I am in a lot of pain today.   So that is the physical side.   The emotional side is raw.   I feel raw, I feel stronger than yesterday but that is because I am avoiding triggers as best as I can.   I am trying hard to avoid things that might call or activate the vortex.   But it is hard to do with the news today.   The story of the little 7 year old girl who had her medication taken away from her by the adults in her life came very close to pushing me to the edge again.   By last night I was in a very bad state and I don’t want to go there today.   So that is where I am at.  My mental state is not stable, I am very close to the edge right now.   I keep feeling like I want to cry some more / again.     I am not sure what activity to do to keep strong and to avoid falling back into the bad places.    I may just stop on the computers for today and play Xbox and Halo.   Thanks everyone.   Hugs

   

Published by Scotties Playtime

I am an older gay guy in a long-term wonderful relationship. My spouse and I are in our 33rd year together. I love politics and news. I enjoy civil discussions and have no taboo subjects. My pronouns are he / him / his and my email is scottiesplaytime@gmail.com

35 thoughts on “A short update on my emotional state”

  1. Hey Scottie … I’m so sorry you’ve fallen so deep into the rabbit hole. Hang in, my friend … someone will shine a light down the hole and give you a hand to help you out … it always works that way, thought at the moment it probably doesn’t seem likely. Huge Hugs, my friend. ❤

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    1. I vote for the Xbox and/or Halo! Let your mind go elsewhere for awhile and let things settle. You know we’ll all be here when you get back! ❤❤❤

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      1. I’d opt for a good book and some classical music, but otherwise I second what Nan says … we will be here waiting when you feel up to coming back! Take care of yourself, my friend … the world needs Scottie!

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      2. Hello Nan. Thank you. As I told Jill one of the things I build my handles out of is my internet friends like her and you. I am getting better, but the ground under me is not very firm. I have tried hard to stay away from triggering stories and boy that is hard with today’s news. I had to stop several news feeds and instead concentrate on ones like Vox, animal channels, science, Frazer Cain with space news. Thank you. The thing is Xbox Halo is fun even though it is fast paced and can be frustrating in a big battle, but it is very distracting. It is one of the things I can get hooked on and do all the time if I let myself. Hugs

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    2. Hello Jill. Thank you. I have been in and out of therapy when needed, and one of the tools that works for me is to build handles to grab on to in my mind that keep me from being sucked into the vortex. Those handles are built out of anchors in my life. People I love who I know support me, those things that make me very happy like my cats, my internet friends like you I have met and bring me great joy. Those handles are so important. As you say it is a light shining down to show me the way back out of the void. It has been a few days. I am stronger, better, but not really on stable ground. One of the things that I found is helping is replying to comments. The first day or so I just had to watch videos with a bit of light reading and making sure I stayed away from abuse stories. Thanks again. Hugs

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      1. I like that idea of ‘handles’ … something to hold onto, to keep our balance. I understand, for I’ve been in the rabbit hole for a while now, but I’m lucky … I have the kitties and the girls to give me balance, to remind me to breathe. And, I agree about our blogging family … frankly, I don’t know what I would do without you guys to keep me fighting, to encourage me, to just … be my friends, to care. As you know so many of us care about you. I still have hopes of someday meeting you in person, of giving you a real hug to replace all the virtual ones! So … hang in, my dear friend, my blogging buddy … we all love you. Hugs!

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  2. Me and my partner of 42 years are just getting over Covid having caught it from the grandaughter. It was really rough for a few days, but we survived. Yeah, I read the story about the young girl too which was depressing. Years ago as a child I belonged to a similar church where prayer was used to heal illness (usually unsuccessfully) to heal various complaints. When I was old enough to leave I never looked back. This is my way of saying hang in there, and take a few days to heal yourself. Things will get better…

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    1. Hello Jimmy. I am glad you are doing better. The right here in the US wants to make like Covid is no big deal, just a cold or seasonal sniffles. But it is a serious virus and can easily lead to lifelong consequences. Is your granddaughter OK? Keep me updated, I care.

      On the church thing, I am glad you got out. Tell me, after they prayed for people to be healed and they did not, they died, did it not occur to them that the prayers were not working as well as the medicine?

      I will have to deal with this crap the rest of my life. When I was younger, I thought it would go away with time. It doesn’t. I have nightmares at least 3 times a week, sometimes more. Some are pretty violent, and I act out badly in my sleep thrashing and kicking, the worst ones I wake screaming or Ron is forced to wake me to bring me out of the nightmare. Often I talk in my sleep begging them to stop or not hurt me or such and if Ron hears me he wakes me.
      But things like the last few days will get better. Normally I am on stable ground and in a safe mental state. This article, the abuse of the kids, it hit far too close, and I was not ready, so … But I have been getting better the last few days. Hugs

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  4. Dude, we can’t save the world, and there’s no point in killing ourselves trying. You’re not going to do anyone, least of all yourself or Ron, any good if you let it get the best of you. That’s the way it works, man, they keep grinding at us until we give up. I’m with Nan on this and I’ve generally got a real bad attitude about them, but play some video games, clock out for a bit, we, all of this, will still be here when you get back.

    Best advice: smoke a bowl … !

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    1. I don’t know who you are but I like you already.

      If I can get 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, three or four times a week, it really makes a difference. It is not a panacea
      but it helps.

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    2. Hello Ten Bears. Good advice. I cannot use Cannabis legally yet. The people of Florida passed a referendum to make it legal and the Republicans that rule here think they do not have to listen to the what the people want so have refused to act to it. I did have to partially check out for a few days. But I have to keep my mind really busy no matter my emotional state. I have intrusive thoughts. Unless my mind is over busy handling incoming information it will go to the places that hurt me, without the input (and even with it but much less) thoughts and memories just pop into my head causing me to relive the abuse. It is hard to describe but smells, words, acts can cause memories to pop up in the mind of events of abuse in the past and I have to find a way to force them away. One of the ways I deal with it is in my office I have two computers with monitors on my desk, one plays videos and news, the other I surf the web and do my blogging. If I leave my office, I put my computer headphones on or if I am going to be away from the desk for a while I put my earbuds in and listen to podcasts. Basically I do all this to keep my mind focused so it won’t go to the places I need to avoid. I am doing better over the last few days. Soon I will be off to bed and get up in the morning for another busy day of blogging! Yes! Best wishes. Hugs

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      1. Actually, you’ve led me to realize that I’m pretty close to boiling over and should perhaps step back. We’re not gonna’ change the world, we had that opportunity fifty years and … we didn’t.

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        1. Hello Ten Bears. I would settle for surviving this mess as it gets worse with some of the things I enjoy intact. But I am not ready to let the right take everything away from us that we worked decades to achieve. I took a tumble, but I am getting back up and getting ready to join the fight again. Hugs

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          1. Judging by the history of the past decade, we are morphing from citizens to subjects. at a quicker pace as time passes. It may not make you feel any better, but this Christian Nationalism movement is worldwide. For instance, Putin has the support of the Christian church in Russia. Ukraine is a Christian nation, I think majority Catholic, so just being Christian doesn’t count for much. It is who you support.

            Those of us who have never been the direct victims of prejudice and oppression may choose to feel safe at its point, but it is coming to all of us. One writer this morning described our situation as ‘ governing by chaos.’ That’s a good description. The next term of the SC will bring another assault on our personal freedoms. The personal freedoms of all of us.

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              1. Hello Nan. I get the snark. But I do think they are coming for everyone even white males. Even Christian white males. They would like to make a vice police like some of the Islamic countries. White males will be judged if they are Christian enough, if they are mostly dressed enough, is their hair and beards short or long enough? What about the way these men treat their wives or kids, are they controlling enough? The goal of these groups is their own power over all the public. They want to rule in the name of god. These are people that couldn’t get elected to office so they will rule in god’s name. God just happens to want the same thing they do. Isn’t that amazing, how smart of their god to want what they want. Hugs

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                1. I offered some thoughts on this in a comment on one of your other posts. I won’t repeat it here except to say, I think there’s a lot more resistance among the people of this country than you think.

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            2. Hello Cagjr. You are correct itis world wide. There is big money funding behind it. It seems to be in partnership with the fascism right wing that Bannon is trying to push world wide. He and his ilk are funded by a couple big money billionaire families. Why the two groups are working together I don’t understand. But I guess it is easier for Christian nationalist to enforce their church doctrines in laws / government when that government is an authoritarian or fascist one. Hugs

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        1. Hello da-AL. Thank you. It took me a long time to even admit I had been abused. It is hard to tell people that when it comes to the violation of your body. I grew up in a time where society did not accept males could be raped or used and that boys were to be tough enough to fight back. All stupid stuff but that is why so many boys like me never told anyone. Plus the threats not to talk. Same with the physical abuse. But I have learned over the years that it is important for healing to let others know they are not alone, that others have suffered also, and that we all have people to help and support us. Not all people get healing or comfort from telling, but most abuse survivors say they found strength to come forward when others do also. Best wishes. Hugs

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  7. Scottie, you pour out a lot, and must refill in order to pour more. Play! I read last week that adult coloring compares to meditation, minute-to-minute, and I’ve been coloring my ever-lovin’ off since then, so you play Halo or whatever you want on the X-Box; they’re excellent mental health tools for some. Do what works for you. We love you, and it’s gonna be OK. Self care is vital.

    This is like something BBBB might have posted in the interest of there-is-still-good-in-the-world:
    https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/vietnam-napalm-girl-gets-final-burn-treatment-florida-50-years-later-rcna36058

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    1. Hello Ali. Thank you. I think I will wait on reading the article until I am in a better mind spot. I am still too raw and close to the edge. I am getting better but I don’t want to take chances yet. Yes the Xbox helps as it does things that require me to focus my mind on them which doesn’t let it wander to the bad places / bad times. Meditation is not good for me, it leaves my mind unfocused and the intrusive thoughts rush in. But I am getting stronger. Hugs

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  8. When was just a we lad, I was always told “If you don’t have your health , you don’t have anything. Take it easy and take care of your self, we will get by with fewer updates if it means you recover your health. So cut back if you need to and take more mental health breaks when you find that the world is closing in. We are with you no matter what you decide.

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    1. Hello muttpupdad. Thank you. I agree health both physically, mentally, and emotionally is very important. I did cut back and focused on stuff that was healing to me mentally. I fell hard into the vortex after reading that article, the stories of those kids caused my mind to return to my own years of abuse. I was then stuck in a void of those memories I couldn’t escape from. But a few days of working on getting stronger and healing I am on more solid mental ground. It is still shaky and I am close to the edge, but I am much better than I was. I am still trying to avoid some stories that may trigger the bad memories and put me back there. Best wishes. Hugs

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    1. Hello Anita Dawes and Jaye Marie. I like hidden objects and word spelling games as they require me to focus which helps my mind block the intrusive thoughts. I have not had a news article hit me so hard in a long while. I think it was just bad news of child abuse over and over and over, a lot of them I did not post. I am getting stronger. Thanks for your suggestions and support. Hugs

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