Yeah, I wrote one
Read on Substack Benjamin Wittes Sep 12, 2024
Good Evening:
I got pissed off today.
I know it’s a supposed to be a joyous day because Kamala Harris feasted on the flesh of Donald Trump last night and all that. And it is.
But I drove by the Polonne Sunflower Garden on my way into work today, and I discovered that the last of my hidden cameras, which I had planted only yesterday, had vanished. I had planted this one because the previous one had also lasted less than 24 hours. Clearly, someone is now monitoring the terrain carefully and had me made on the whole planting hidden cameras thing. Took them long enough.
Hidden cameras are not all that cheap, and while I have money to burn on #SpecialMilitaryOperations, I don’t want to spend $60 per day on cameras that are never going to yield footage—at least not to me. So it’s time for a change of course in protecting the sunflowers and the Nikita Titov posters that hang down the street.
I had a talk with #LordLaser and his bride #LadyLaser about a new strategy to protect the sunflowers and the posters. And after reading up on Cold War deterrence theory, we collectively decided, of course, to escalate by way of deescalating.
So this evening, I penned the following letter to Ambassador Antonov, which I have published on Facebook:
An Open Letter to Anatoly Antonov, Ambassador of the Russian Federation:
Dear Mr. Ambassador:
We have never met, and I do not propose to change that. But I am the guy who periodically projects Ukrainian flags and other symbols and slogans on your embassy. Contrary to your false representations, I am not a radical Ukrainian emigre, as you once called me. I am a native born American citizen of a moderate political persuasion. I am not of Ukrainian extraction, to my knowledge.
I am writing to issue you an ultimatum: Stop killing my sunflowers.
You and I both know that your staff is behind the repeated destruction of the posters I hung by Ukrainian artist Нікіта Тітов. You and I also both know that your staff is behind the repeated destruction of the sunflowers whose planting I have organized on numerous occasions across Wisconsin Avenue from the #GatesOfHell which separate your compound from the civilized part of Washington DC. And you and I also both know that I have pissed you off, that you have repeatedly complained to the U.S. Department of State about my activities and have tried on repeated occasions to have me arrested.
Unlike you, however, I live in a democratic country that respects my rights of non-violent free expression. Consequently, I remain a free man–free to plant sunflowers on public land and to invite my friends to join me and free as well to project light in a non-threatening fashion at buildings when I choose to express my horror at a government’s ongoing war of aggression against a sovereign democratic country or at the ongoing atrocities by said government against civilians there.
I’m writing because, to put the matter bluntly, I am fucking sick of your efforts to regulate my First Amendment protected activities on the sovereign soil of my homeland. When I hang posters objecting to your government’s war, I expect them to be left alone. When I plant sunflowers with Ukrainian friends, up to and including Amb. Oksana Markarova, I expect them to be left in peace.
I am done playing the game of cat and mouse with your staff in which I plant sunflowers and they destroy them and I try to catch them at it.
With this letter, I am shifting to a strategy of deterrence with respect to your attempts to regulate free speech outside your compound, deterrence being, as always, the most appropriate manner for the wise to deal with the government of the Russian Federation.
So here is my new doctrine: For every sunflower plant which you disturb, I will come to your embassy some evening of my choosing and project a sunflower on your walls for one hour. For every poster that gets tampered with, I will come to your embassy and project a Нікіта Тітов image for an hour.
There are currently 78 sunflower plants in the Polonne Sunflower Garden and 20 or so posters. Each of them is worth a one-hour-long projection operation. I have consulted with both #LordLaser and #LadyLaser and both inform me that they are willing to spend up to 100 evenings over the next few months protecting sunflowers and posters. They have asked me to convey to you that all of the beautifications on the civilized side of Boris Nemtsov Plaza are, from this day forward, under their protection.
I have every confidence, moreover, that there are plenty of people in the DC metropolitan area who would volunteer to project to maximize the up-time of both lasers. What’s more, I can promise you most sincerely that the local, Ukrainian, and international press corps would find a near-daily projection of sunflowers on your walls a most compelling story.
Put simply, Mr. Ambassador, you might consider praying for the health and safety of each of the sunflowers and posters across the road from your forbidding gates.
They mean a lot to me. They represent the engagement of a large number of people in this community on behalf of Ukraine, in support of the people there, in encouragement of American aid to a country your government is endeavoring to destroy. I cannot protect Ukraine or Ukrainians from your government. I can, however, protect these symbols of them.
To be clear, I most emphatically do not promise to cease my #SpecialMilitaryOperations against your diplomatic presence here if you leave the sunflowers and posters alone. Those operations will continue at least as long as your war continues. I do, however, promise a dramatic escalation of projection operations if the sunflowers and posters continue to be molested.
Consider yourself warned.
Slava Ukraini, God Bless America, and don’t fuck with me on this.
Yours most sincerely,
I tried to tag the very unestimable ambassadir in the Facebook post, but I was unable to do so, I suspect because the cretin may have blocked me. So I guess I will hand deliver a copy of the letter tomorrow.
In the meantime, here is a video scan of the garden. Each of these plants is now protected by the threat of one hour of projection. (Video on the page)
Let’s find out if that threat is more effective than hidden cameras.
UPDATE: Facebook has removed the letter with the suggestion that it is misleading spam.
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