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But then I did something that most people won’t understand, and in truth I don’t either. I suffered from the memories of my past and then when I woke up and went to my office to then go online to the Male Survivor site. There I read more stories of abuse like mine. Not all abuse stories have the physical abuse that mine did but the rest is still abuse I understand. Still the reading of their abuse so mirrowed mine caused me even more distress and upset.
I sat at my desk this morning and just cried. No video on the other computer, no reading anything on the other computer. Just sitting here remembering the assaults, the pain of having a cock forced into my rectrum unwanted and not lubed, being forced to take a cock into my mouth with their hands firmly grasping my head so I had to take more of their dick than I could breathe with in my mouth. I apologize for being so graphic, but either I rejoin the survivors site and go down that rabbit hole, or just try to gently share the childhood I had here. To tell the truth even now I am rocked and my stomach is upset over what I remember.
I know those who were abused either physically, emotionally, or even sexually understand what I am trying to say. The memories never go away; they fade and for a while you can ignore them. But then like what happened to me the last two nights I had nightmares of my childhood in complete color and detail. I not only remembered the events in my dreams; I felt every aspect of it on my body, and then the worst part. Something I have not shared yet. Ron woke me saying Scottie, no one is hitting you now. My body did not agree with him.
Some of my abusers would force me to say back to them things they wanted to hear me say. You like this don’t you! Thank me for fucking you! You caused me to beat you and now say you’re sorry for doing that. So many more. I struggle with the memories of one hellspawn sibling male holding my little balls in his hand and squessing until I agreed to drink his pee just to stop him hurting me. For the two male siblings and their father there was no understanding or sympathy. They wanted a couple of things, my humiliation and their sexual satisfaction. They demanded I admit I was not equal to them and that they could abuse me with no consequences.
So I had had many months without much issues rocking my calm. But the last three nights have given me nightmares, and Ron has had to wake me because I was trying hard to scream out. I am a bit scared to go back to bed because as soon as I sleep the memories will return. I do not want or need to relive that time of my life. Anyway I will go back to listening to the election results. But I am worried this will be another even worse night for me. How do I avoid the pain I know is coming? Damn now I am scared to go to bed. Hugs



















White House version of photo, versus original one by Getty. The vanity is nauseating.
















Bernie Moreno is keeping shut about Max Miller beating his daughter because Max has blackmail on Bernie being gay.
This is gross and emasculating.
It is grotesque to use a man’s funeral as an opportunity to grovel at the feet of another man and to use his legacy to curry favor in such a sycophantic manner.
But that is how weak men see the world.
































































I am going to put a song link below. I remember the night as a little boy me and one of my hellspawn siblings hunched close to the TV to watch the movie. The adoptive father had forbiden us to watch it as he worked nights and was trying to sleep. But she convinced me it would be OK if we sat really close to the TV and kept the sound down. By this time in my life, I was used to doing what I was told to do. Now looking back I realize she wanted me there for coverage knowing I would pay for the indiscresion and she wouldn’t.
So we sat there next to the TV and I heard this song. It was such a song of hope and I wanted so much for it to be true. However as was so often in my life as a child someone had to pay the price, and that someone was me. When the show was over and as the credits came on the screen he came out. He said I hope it was worth it. He ordered his daughter to her room and grabbed my arm dragging me back to his bedroom. I paid the price for her and for hearing the song. I don’t think I need to go into the details, it was the same thing that happened almost daily in my life at that point. One pain or another always equaling someone else taking their enjoyment or anger out on my small body. But the song stuck with me and in many ways became my anthem for hope of a better life. Sad a 7-year-old needed that. And even sadder are the memories of what he did to me that night in either his anger or need. Below is the song. Hugs
I love everyone, but I had to deal with many issues. Yesterday I had to dump my entire secondary computer to fix a regesty error. But every time I tried to come back up, Microsoft insisted I sign in with an internet that they could monitor. I refused. So I needed to wipe out my entire C drive, and now I am trying to rebuild it. Lucky for me if the powers that be won’t allow me to rejoin the older Windows program, well I have been experimenting with Linux stuff. Hugs




















































































If you read the law it lets anyone claim to be offended by any media and that it doesn’t need to be declared obscene to be labeled obscene. Why is that? Because to a small group of very vocal haters just the existence of LGBTQ+ people is obscene. It offends their god so it offends them. But don’t try to claim the Bible is obscene or pushes offensive stuff it has special carve outs that make all the icky bad parts OK. I hope this will be appealed to the full appeals court as this attempt to errase an entire population of people based on bigotry must not be allowed to stand. I also just read where the education department under the hypermaga education secretary will not be enforcing or even recording the bullying and abuse of the LGBTQ+ kids at school. Her view is let the little fagots fend for themselves it seems. Remember she and her husband turned a blind eye to the many young boys being sexually assaulted by the wrestlers in their group.
Also the majority of the three judges panel said that the three patrons did not have standing to object because no books had been banned yet. They seem to have a wait and see if the victim is stabbed before taking the knife from the threatening person. That is stupid. Everyone knows what the law is intended to do and the writers of the law admit that openly. It seems the tRump appointed judges want to let attacks on the librarians and on the books that mention gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, and questioning kids / people be removed as soon as possible knowing it is harder to put them back than to ban them in the first place. Hugs.
Law creates penalties for librarians distributing content deemed ‘harmful’ to minors








*** personal note. Sorry these are late getting out. I do love them. Today I can’t walk again. I gave myself a shot last Saturday and something went wrong with it. Every two weeks I need to give myself an injection into one of my legs and each time I rotate which leg I do it into. However, I am not sure what went wrong with this shot; maybe I did not get all the air out of the injection syringe or what but my leg is swollen and very painful to bend or move. I take serious pain medications and even with them the pain is so mind-numbing that I struggle to function. I have never had one go this badly or be this painful. Hugs ***



























































Perhaps a silver lining in this day of hate and corruption masquerading as patriotism is the crashing realization that one day we will leave this world. Many will stumble upon a very uncomfortable discovery that their friends and neighbors would not be so very sad to see them go.
I write this today having found out that my neighbor passed away last night. She was one of those people who very acerbically met life on her own terms: loud, bitching about seeming everything, but loving anyone in need and being one of the funniest people I’ve every met – if unintentionally. And, further, she liked my dog and my dog liked her, so –
I recently had the opportunity to watch some of the interview/debate of Neil DeGrasse Tyson on Ben Shapiro’s show. Ben was really trying to push this idea that Neil could speak on the science of transsexuals’ gender, etc. One of the greatest things I took from that was Neil asking him what he was really attempting to accomplish with his banging of the gong? ‘We supposedly live in a free country. No one is obliged to be more masculine or more feminine for you, and they have no right to ask it of you’, he said.


That one line from Neil completely changed how I heard the interview. I realized that Ben spoke with a quickness and decisiveness that projected strength to those who are desperate to hear it – but was really a desperation to control something that wasn’t his to control. I found myself asking Neil’s questions of Ben, and others who seem intent to dictate how people live, how people love. What drives this desperation to dominate others? What is in that morning mirror that scares people so that the only way they can manage is to be sure others meet their rules and expectations rather than find their own?
When I think on those people like Ben Shapiro, Donald Trump, Marjory Taylor Green, Mike Lindell, Rudy Giuliani, Jeff Sessions, their lives are often filled with beautiful arm candy, money, and a dark heart that destroys them in time. Like a poison they’ve taken in, living a life of hate and corruption seems for them like a recipe for eventual disaster. But, like moths to a flame, repeatedly do these people line up to destroy their peace, their credibility, their future until only regret and hate visit them.


As a country, we lost something special and unique when Donald Trump became more than just a spectator and buyer of the political tragedy. Somehow ignorance became a virtue, and being loud meant you were right. Intelligent conversation and caring about others became synonymous with communism, or whatever the boogieman is now. Somehow we in America are supposed to despise the poor and glorify the wealthy, told it is the height of patriotism. We lost our light, and now it seems we can only find our path by blindly swinging at those stuck with us in this morass.
-randy