First let me say that I know I have not been replying to comments. I really want to do so and will try to do better. I read each one and saved it. But this post is what happened today around 11 am as I was watching the Sunday news shows.
I am not sure what it was that triggered it, a news story or an advertisement, but for me the stuff on the screen stopped registering, and my mind / emotions became flooded with memories of my childhood abuse. I don’t want to be graphic as I love each of you that come here but my mind flooded my head with memories such as positions, like me being forced and held with my legs over my body as I was nude on my back, the feelings of each pentation, the feelings of fear from each threat, and the despair from being told that later I would be abused as my abusers wanted me to accept they could / would do what they wanted to me and I had no escape.
Oh gods of the universe so much more. Then my mind flooded me with the blows from slaps, from punches, from the pinches / squeezing of my testicles until I begged my abuser to rape me or use me as they wanted. Then my mind moved from that mat in the hallway I had for a bed to being forced to ask for and open my mouth to drink their urine, which went on from age 3 until age nearly 8 when most of my abusers moved out only leaving it a thing my adopting adult male did to humiliate me. So much more flooded over me.
I had done such a good job over the last few months keeping the memories at bay. At denying that entire aspect of my life. I went through each day pretending it never happened. I smiled and was jovial with people I met so they wouldn’t suspect I was one of those damaged guys whose body was used as a toy by anyone who wanted it.
But that failed me today. I simply stopped. Over an hour later I realized I was quietly cringing in my office, hunched over my desk, not seeing anything on my computer screens which were now in screen saver mode. So much pain, so many feelings, so many memories I struggled with. I knew I had to pull myself together. As in my childhood and as a young adult I knew I couldn’t show to anyone what was happening. So I closed my door and made myself pull it together. But hours later I am still emotionally wiped out. Ron is napping and when he gets up we are going to make a lasagna together.
I won’t let on what happened to me, I will pretend just as I did back then as a child after the principal pulled me out of class, raped me, and sent me back to class as that nothing happened. I am so tired these days.
Ron just got up and said he was ready for us to make the lasagna and I will put on a happy face and join him. I will deal, I have for all my life. Hugs and loves.
