Hello everyone. I have an issue with the cartoon pages. They stopped working when several programs were updated. Turning off add blockers seems to bring up the cartoon on each page but I have to disable it on each of the 67 pages. There has been something that is not working correctly with vavaldi browser. I will try one more thing before I go to reseting the computer and then reloading it. I need the cartoon pages to do the cartoon / meme posts. I will try to be as fast as I can. Hugs.
Category: Scotties Rants / Blog Information
I was up all night with stomach distress.
Last night I ate what I felt was a large meal for supper at 4 pm. Ron made me a steak with a small soup bowl salad along with three slices of buttered bread. I ate all the salad, ate 2/3rd of the steak and two slices of bread. I felt I did great. Ron felt I did not eat much or enough and should eat more. Ron also eats everything I don’t finish and has his own hunger issues. Ron is always hungry, especially at night.
I was so tired after eating that I was falling asleep at my desk, so I with Ron’s urging went to bed. I slept until about 11 p.m.. Ron had stayed up until then watching a show. So he came to bed and we chatted a bit. We decided to cuddle later. But by midnight I was having stomach distress. It got worse as the night wore on. I got up about 1 a.m. and took medication and sipped on a deit caffeine free cola to help me burb releasing the pressure. I was careful not to add too much liquid which would cause my stomach to void as soon as possible. I went back to bed a couple of hours later. As I layed in bed I felt my stomach release and start to empty at 4:46 a.m., and at the same time I felt the morning bowel movement need coming on. Related … I don’t know as I always do a morning BM minutes after getting up between 4 and 5 a.m..
I was still quessy as I got up then as I had a soda and a couple of fiber cookies. Ron and I talked about the probiotic suggestions and the suggestions on priorities. As you see I have not stressed over being late on posts. MDavis and others have made a good point that my putting pressure on myself when I am not feeling well to do more is only making me feel worse and doing damage to the healing myself. I will continue to do my best as I love doing this, but I won’t hurt myself or get so upset that I push myself harmfully to make the posts. Thank you to the readers of this blog for giving me that space and letting me take the time to heal or at least not drive myself to being more sick.
At 8:30 a.m. I ate a small piece of lazanna that I had made and frozen a month ago. It was great but while Ron had eaten the majority of it but the small piece he left was almost more than I could finish. But it tasted and felt great as I ate it.
At 1 p.m. Ron wanted me to have lunch. There was no way. Now it is getting past 3:30 p.m. And Ron wants me to eat supper. I can’t! So I guess I will negotiate a small sub or sandwich as there is no way I can eat a real meal. I might do a small salad which I also would love.
It is thundering and raining so the cat is terrified. Ron is going to make me a sandwich of ham, chicken, turkey, and lettuce, and he wants me to eat half of it, drink a nutrition shake, and wait to eat the other half for at least half an hour. He doesn’t want the issues I had last night. I have my allergy appointment tomorrow at 10 a.m. So I will be posting news from my iPad.
OK I had the 1/2 sandwich and the nutrition shake. I have to admit I am full. Entirely stuffed. So I am glad I did as Ron wanted me to do. There is a reason he has like 27 years of medical experience. If I had eaten more I might suffer as I did last night. Thinking of adding a few more things to the cartoons / memes post and then go to bed. Hugs
Not where I used to be.
For those interested in my food intake.
So after I came out of the bedroom Ron asked me to peel the potatoes for supper. I had told him before I went to take my shot that if I was to eat it needed to happen soon. So he made one of my favorites, shaken bake chicken, smashed potatoes, and brown gravy with corn as the vegetable. I was able to eat a small chicken part, a scoop of potatoes with gravy, and half my bowl of corn. I was shocked to get that much down. I regret I did not finish my cartoon / meme post nor did I work on the news post. But I ate two meals today which is a big improvement. But now I am going to bed as I am very tired. Hugs
I helped Ron make supper and I am emotionally struggling.
For some reason the YouTube algerithum wants to send me more and more child abuse stuff. I went to the bedroom to take my testosterone shot while listening to YouTube on earbuds. Suddenly, as I had my pants down and was about to inject myself YouTube decided to play child abuse songs. I was not in a position to change the channel, so I stopped the feed until I finished my task. But it left my mind open and memories and stuff started cascading into my mind. I was in criss for 30 minutes until I pulled myself out of the cycle as I heard the vortex coming for me. If I let the vortex take me it takes hours or days of effort to drag myself out of it. Luckily I was able to respond / deal with it all, spent 30 minutes crying in the bedroom before coming out so Ron wouldn’t know. He suspected something but did not pry, only saying he loved me. I am so tired of this cycle. There has to be a better way, a way with out all these triggers. All these things that remind me of the past. Any way I am OK, I have to be. Hugs
Comments
Hello Everyone. I have not been feeling well the last few days, and I stopped eating. This morning I woke up in a soaking sweat, like I was in a shower or swimming pool. I woke Ron who helped me take my blood sugar, and it was 46. Ron was going out of his mind. He kept telling me we needed to go to the hospital. I took four glucose tablets and went back to bed. I was then able to sleep a few hours. Then I got up. I have felt like shit all day. But I wanted to address comments before I go to bed. I will spend tomorrow morning doing comments until I get all caught up. Thanks for commenting; I love reading them. Hugs
Your choice
If you have read the recent comments you will notice they have dealt with self-improvement and taking control over ones life. I strongly believe this. I know it can be done because I did it. I had a choice. I could be like my abusers and be what they wanted to make me. Or I could make sure I was never like them in anyway. I chose the second one. I think I made the correct choice. I prefer to help others than hurt them; I don’t need to harm others to make myself feel better. I like being kind and nice. I like lifting others up even if it is just with a hello and a smile. I treat the people I meet in my life as the humans they are with feelings and needs, not just objects to my own goals. Yes, I think I made the right choice. Hugs
A very religious woman I do tech work for.
This woman is a good person. She goes to church there or four times a week. She volunteers 4 days in the church thrift stores. She is not a bad person; she really is very nice, not just bright. So one day I was working on her computers, and it was something I needed to do about 3 times each month.
As I was working on her two computers, she kept telling me about her god’s love. Until I exploded!
Where was your god every time I was repeatedly raped as a kid, and why did he not stop it? Did he enjoy watching it? I admitted shouting.
She was silent for a few seconds. Then she said, Scottie, he was holding your hands. Really, I know the guys holding my hands. I knew the girls who were holding my head to force me down on their sex organs. I nearly walked out of the house. That level of stupidity is stunning, that level of excusing the abuse I had as a kid, to give her god credit.
I did finish the job. I also asked her if she wanted me to work on her stuff she kept her god herself. For the last 10 years that has been the truce we have. She still thinks her god is the entirety of existence, and she doesn’t seem to understand that her god watched each of my rapes, the violent rapes, the forced to drink urine, the tied to a stair rails so I could be raped by teenage males. Damn I have to get some relief. I think soon my head will explode. Maybe it should. I am tired. Maybe …maybe. No, not yet, not now. I promised Randy I would tell him before I did. Not yet, not now. But ever closer.
I just don’t understand why a good god would have watched what happened to me and let it go on, no matter what about free will. What about my free will not to be raped or forced to give blowjobs? Doesn’t that count to her god? Hugs
Not much these days, end up walking in circles around the house. Hugs
The election results and my feelings
I had a really bad night where I was tearing my skin on my butt and thrashing around. Ron tried twice to wake me and once when he did it I was so deep in my memories of abuse that I tried to protect myself from him. Once I was awake and knew what he had tried to do for me I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tossed and turned until I got up.
But then I did something that most people won’t understand, and in truth I don’t either. I suffered from the memories of my past and then when I woke up and went to my office to then go online to the Male Survivor site. There I read more stories of abuse like mine. Not all abuse stories have the physical abuse that mine did but the rest is still abuse I understand. Still the reading of their abuse so mirrowed mine caused me even more distress and upset.
I sat at my desk this morning and just cried. No video on the other computer, no reading anything on the other computer. Just sitting here remembering the assaults, the pain of having a cock forced into my rectrum unwanted and not lubed, being forced to take a cock into my mouth with their hands firmly grasping my head so I had to take more of their dick than I could breathe with in my mouth. I apologize for being so graphic, but either I rejoin the survivors site and go down that rabbit hole, or just try to gently share the childhood I had here. To tell the truth even now I am rocked and my stomach is upset over what I remember.
I know those who were abused either physically, emotionally, or even sexually understand what I am trying to say. The memories never go away; they fade and for a while you can ignore them. But then like what happened to me the last two nights I had nightmares of my childhood in complete color and detail. I not only remembered the events in my dreams; I felt every aspect of it on my body, and then the worst part. Something I have not shared yet. Ron woke me saying Scottie, no one is hitting you now. My body did not agree with him.
Some of my abusers would force me to say back to them things they wanted to hear me say. You like this don’t you! Thank me for fucking you! You caused me to beat you and now say you’re sorry for doing that. So many more. I struggle with the memories of one hellspawn sibling male holding my little balls in his hand and squessing until I agreed to drink his pee just to stop him hurting me. For the two male siblings and their father there was no understanding or sympathy. They wanted a couple of things, my humiliation and their sexual satisfaction. They demanded I admit I was not equal to them and that they could abuse me with no consequences.
So I had had many months without much issues rocking my calm. But the last three nights have given me nightmares, and Ron has had to wake me because I was trying hard to scream out. I am a bit scared to go back to bed because as soon as I sleep the memories will return. I do not want or need to relive that time of my life. Anyway I will go back to listening to the election results. But I am worried this will be another even worse night for me. How do I avoid the pain I know is coming? Damn now I am scared to go to bed. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 