Category: Children / Kids / Minors / Teens / Family
Marc Lamont Hill Delivers Absolutely Brilliant Speech Over Recent Biden Moment
Netanyahu Spits In Biden’s Face With Latest Comments
Let’s talk about the DOJ report on Uvalde….
War in Gaza takes heavy toll on children
By my dogs that love gravy … damn, damn, damn, fucking bastards, goddamn swear word swear word. I can not even think of enough vile words to say about this. This is a sickening example of how the Israeli government see the Palestinians, including children. I watched a video this morning of an Israeli government official justifying this mass slaughter and genocide saying they were not causing it, Hamas was. They hit us (why because we were mistreating their people) hurting / killing 1,200 hundred of our so we can kill over 23,000 of them 10,000 of them confirmed children, and force the others to live in worse conditions than abandon animals. Oh, and Israel took over a university / school system in Gaza, used it as their headquarters, “interrogated” Palestinians there, then proudly blew it all up, so no Palestinian could come back and someday be educated there. That is a war crime. All of this is.
13 year old children trying to be the parents of 7 siblings because their parents are dead, with only other refuges to help. They have nothing, and Israel gloats over this. I am angry. Hugs. Scottie
The doctor said I am a bunny personality, or was
I forget what year it was, maybe 2012 or 2013 I was being treated by a doctor for my abuse. I forget what he was titled, but he was the mind / personality doctors. After testing and sessions of talking, he said I had a bunny personality unable to protect myself, with the bunny personality that kicked in that made the bunny protect those who were smaller or more vulnerable than me being attacked, even to the point of sacrificing my self. In other words, I think he was saying I was unable to protect my self but will try to find ways to protect those who I feel are in danger. I wonder if he said the second part just to shore up myself esteem as I never really felt I had a protector role. In fact, I sort of got used to the idea I was to suffer to take the pain issued to me.
Please remember, this was before Ron knew of most of my abuse, he only knew I was hurt as a kid, and it was by the family I grew up in. I was scared to tell him what was happening, his job and mine were our income. If I told him Ron would have reacted, would have been angry, would have stopped it but I was worried we would lose our jobs and our income.
There was a reason I was back in treatment, but the short story is I was being sexual assaulted at work. One of the male nurses, a larger guy, thought it was cute and funny to grab the gay guy by the dick, touch his ass, and push him in to a wall or counter and press themselves into me while fondling my penis. My supervisors found out it was happening by accident because another male nurse who today would be the typical maga republican threaten to kill me in front of everyone for being gay and when I had to be interviewed by HR and legal it slipped out what the other guy was doing. So the company insisted on sending me to a psychologist for examination / treatment. Side note I should some day describe the meeting it was surreal with them makings sure nothing blocked the door or my path to it, repeatedly telling me I could leave, and if I felt unsafe or upset to tell them, kept asking me if I need a break or wanted someone with me … I mean I like the feeling behind what they were doing, but it was over the top in my opinion. But maybe they were trying to prevent a sexual assault claim against the hospital.
But the real point of the post and what I was so happy and excited over is, when I told Randy what was happening and what the doctor said my personality was, Randy sprang into action. My wonderful friend, the brother I never had growing up, sent me a tee shirt I wore until I wore it out. I wore it everywhere. It was something I took great joy in.
It was a Psycho Bunny tee shirt with this logo
And I don’t know if you can understand the power this tee shirt gave me. I may be a bunny, but I was now a bunny with teeth. Randy kept telling me that maybe as a child I couldn’t stop the abuse, but now I had power, skill, and support such that I could protect my self. The shirt and the feeling behind it was every empowering. It was what I needed then to help me. And Randy was always there to help me, uplift me, and keep me from despair as best he could. I love Randy, I loved the tee shirt, I love the idea behind it. Yesterday and today I keep reminding myself … I AM A PSYCHO BUNNY, AND I HAVE TEETH, HEAR ME ROAR! Even if right now it is coming out as a squeak. Hugs, Scottie
Memories, Ron, tears.
Short update. When Ron got home from shopping, he sensed something was wrong. He asked me about it. I told him briefly I had some more intrusive memories. He was quiet and then said when we put the groceries away we will talk. After we got done I went and sat down, I was not sure that I wanted to tell him, I had hid so much for so long. He asked if I wanted to talk and could he know what was upsetting me. We sat and talked, I told him the new memories, the details that were flooding my brain, the feelings I was experiencing with them. Every time I got to points where I would be too upset to talk, starting to cry he would tell me to slow down, breathe, take your time. Then when I got it all out, I couldn’t look at him. He softly said I needed to distract myself, and I explained how that was what I was trying to do but that wouldn’t help me heal or get over anything, we both knew from experience. I told him I needed a few minutes alone and he gave me that. When I came out he walked slowly to me and held his arms out, and I grabbed him, I clutched him. He held me back and kept telling me they were gone, they couldn’t hurt me anymore. Finally, I stepped back and said to him, but that is where you’re wrong, the memories don’t stop. The feelings don’t stop. And when I remember the abuse, I also feel the abuse. He pulled me to him and held me tight. He had no words, and I don’t have any either. I know eventually I will share this with all of you who want me too or are able to deal with it. I have learned that talking about it does help in a weird way. Yes it hurts at first, deeply intently, but ignoring it makes the pain build and become much worse.
For some reason at first when I was telling him I thought Ron was going to reject me as he started looking away. Then after I now realize he was struggling not to cry and with his anger, both which would have hurt me had he shown them. He has gone to lay down for a nap, talking to me about it first. I feel weird again. I know he will be watching me, he will be worried. Did I do wrong to tell him? Should I have hidden it, gone back to the days before he really knew much? Now my doubts are creeping in and trying to take root.
I am not going to proofread this for errors. Sorry, I do need to step back. Please overlook them or if they are important call me out in comments. I have spine shots tomorrow at 10. I have to get my mind in a better place, I have to find peace. Hugs. Scottie
Another few intrusive memories hit, new memories of abuse. So hard the last 6 months.
Know I am safe. Ron is grocery shopping, but I have people to contact. Please understand once I got past the shock and could deal I texted Randy. But he is at work and the boss, so I am OK enough not to need his time, even though he offered. He is so grand, if the abused people ever had the same set-up as the AA / friends of Bill, he would be the world’s best sponsor. I am not in a safe enough mind place to tell everyone about the new memories / fragments. I have just stopped crying because I wanted to type and forced my attention on the keyboard. Every time I try to type what I remember, I fall apart. But part of me knows to turn to the computers, to Scotties Playtime, to focus hard on this … what ever this is. Because if I don’t the vortex may come. Even the thought of it just started body reactions I am struggling to control. Part of me is trying to deny the memories, to force them back into forgetfulness, to put them back in that chest wrapped with chains thrown into the deepest part of the ocean … but … I know enough to understand I can not heal or maybe even really deal with them until I am able to write them, to vocalize them, to accept them and then conquer them with all the strength of the person I am. I have to get the emotions under control. I want to slide into despair, wondering if it will ever stop, to what if I lose control, to wanting to hide, to crying / shaking / scared when as an adult right now in my home I have no reason to be afraid. I think that now that Ron knows so much more when he gets home, I should tell him about this. My instinct, what I have always done, is hide it from him. But maybe it will help if I tell him. Anyway. Got to go, everything hurts, I … Just have to go. Love and hugs. Scottie
