The SDA church through the farmer I talked about before rescued me from a childhood of abuse. I loved most of the people I met. I bought Christian music, I went all in to the faith but still kept my belief in science. I felt somehow as a 17 year old both could coexist if everyone cared for others. But then I noticed groups in the church community I was in, those who were looked down on, the behind the scenes gossip, the in people who were much better off and the other in group who had skills the church needed, and the last group. I realized that I did not buy into the stuff preached about Ellen G White. I found her legend to be built up by the church, but not backed by fact. The strict adherence that teen boys not masturbate and wait until their wedding night for their first release struck me an abuse victim as absurd, and after living in a church boarding school for over a summer and school year quickly realized every other boy there did also. Just some of them felt shame for doing it. I even started to despite all that I had endured and sometimes being made to do it in front of people. Indoctrination on a daily scale is powerful, but in this case it did not break through my prior abuse. But I loved the somewhat community I found. The first time in 17 years I felt accepted by both adults and kids. Oh but I quickly learned it was superficial and all teens deal with the same issues regardless of being abused, and I know of at least two others in the school I went to that were.
Why I left the church even though the farmer and his wife promised to pay for me to go through the seminary to be a pastor in their church, which was sincere on their part. I had already accepted by then I was gay. I even had other boys wanting to experiment in the boarding school … but sadly I stopped them because if found out I would have had to return to the hell I just had been patrol from. I needed to reach 18 so I could leave their control. I feel bad for the innocent gay feeling boys but I had to think of my own safety. The beating I took that made me hide at the farm was very severe and I knew from experience if I returned after someone intervened I could be beaten to death. Not a future I looked forward to. I was gay, their church to this day is anti-gay. I knew I couldn’t be part of it. I left on the best terms I could.
I joined the military the next week. I tried to keep contact with my boyhood friend I spent so much time with who was their son, but after I turned down their offer to send me to the ministry he turned against me and the last time he spoke to me, he told me he wanted nothing to do with me ever again. I had just come home from the military and this was a huge kick in the balls. He became a pastor in their church. I wonder if he regrets telling me that? This video means something to me, I hope you watch it. Hugs. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 