You told me I lived in the Land of the Free but seek to force me to pray to your God.
You told me I lived in the Land of the Brave, but you fear the love of two men, two women.
You told me I lived in a land of laws, yet you refuse to hold the powerful to them.
You told me not to ask what my country can do for me, but you take hand over fist.
You told me how mighty our military stand, yet you undermine, pauper, and deny the soldiers.
You told me how great my country is, yet restrict education, price me out of healthcare, refuse school lunch programs, deport the homeless, ignore the mentally ill.
You told me to love my country, then told me to hate my neighbor because he believes differently, speaks differently, dresses differently, loves differently, lives differently.
You told me my country loves me, but I think you are a liar.
[Chorus]
What about us?
What about all the times you said you had the answers?
What about us?
What about all the broken happy ever afters?
What about us?
What about all the plans that ended in disaster?
What about love? What about trust?
What about us?
[Verse 2]
We are problems that want to be solved
We are children that need to be loved
We were willin’, we came when you called
But man, you fooled us
Enough is enough, oh
See P!nk Live
Get tickets as low as $93
[Chorus]
What about us?
What about all the times you said you had the answers?
What about us?
What about all the broken happy ever afters?
Oh, what about us?
What about all the plans that ended in disaster?
Oh, what about love? What about trust?
What about us?
[Post-Chorus]
Oh, what about us?
What about all the plans that ended in disaster?
What about love? What about trust?
What about us?
[Chorus]
What about us?
What about all the times you said you had the answers?
So, what about us?
What about all the broken happy ever afters?
Oh, what about us?
What about all the plans that ended in disaster?
Oh, what about love? What about trust?
What about us?
[Outro]
What about us?
What about us?
What about us?
What about us?
What about us?
What about us?
The co-founder of Mom’s for Liberty which is fighting to remove the LGBTQIA from all aspects of society, schools, libraries, movies, and even in private businesses was having lesbian sex with a woman that her family values republican husband was having three-way sex trysts with. You know, the very people pushing the family values biblical model of marriage and sex only were violating what they want to mandate for everyone else but enjoying sex out of marriage, having same sex relations, having sex with a woman not your wife. Hypocrites and dangerous ones. When the wife was not available to have sex, the second woman wanted to wait until she was. That is when the married man raped her, because a white Christian man shall not be denied the right to have sex when and where he demands it. And in his mind, women have no right to complain or say no. Hugs. Scottie
Christian Ziegler with his wife Bridget at Donald Trump’s 2017 inauguration.
The sexual battery investigation of Florida GOP chairman Christian Ziegler began with a 911 call from a friend of the alleged victim who was worried about her well-being, according to a recording of the call obtained by the Florida Trident.
The 911 call, made on October 4 at 2:46 p.m., reveals the caller was concerned about the mental health of the woman, who isn’t being identified due to the nature of the investigation.
“I was hoping to do a wellness on a friend of mine,” the caller began. “She hasn’t shown up for work the past two days and I just got off the phone with her and she sounds drunk and I know she has pain medication on her and she told me that she doesn’t think she can do it anymore.”
The dispatcher then asked questions about the victim’s address, which was redacted, before the caller said the alleged victim had been struggling with addiction that had “gotten worse and worse the last couple of months.” Then she relayed the information that kicked off a criminal investigation that is ongoing.
“She won’t answer anyone else at work except for me but she told me she was raped yesterday and that she’s scared to leave her house,” said the caller. “… She’s saying she’s scared that — the person that raped her came to her house — that she’s scared to leave.”
The caller then told the dispatcher, “I’m worried about her right now.”
“I have units en route,” said the dispatcher.
The alleged perpetrator is Ziegler, who has yet to publicly comment on the investigation first reported by the Trident on Thursday morning. His attorney, Derek Byrd, said in a written statement Ziegler would be fully exonerated in the investigation.
Sources close to the investigation told the Trident that Ziegler and his wife, Sarasota County School Board Member Bridget Ziegler, who is also an appointee of Gov. Ron DeSantis and cofounder of the right-wing group Moms For Liberty, had a three-way sexual relationship with the woman prior to the alleged October 2 sexual assault.
A copy of the search warrant involved in the case was released late Friday that substantiated much of the Trident’s earlier reporting and added a wealth of new information.
Ziegler, according to the affidavit, had known the woman for 20 years and they had agreed to a tryst at the woman’s home on October 2 with Ziegler’s wife. When Bridget Ziegler wasn’t able to make it, the woman canceled via text to Christian Ziegler, writing that she had been “more in for her,” meaning Bridget. She told police that Christian Ziegler came to her home anyway and entered uninvited as she opened the door to walk her dog. Inside, she said he raped her.
In an interview with detectives attended by his attorney, Christian Ziegler admitted he had sex with her that day but said it was consensual sex with the woman. He also admitted that he shot video of the incident, which he said he initially deleted, but later uploaded to a Google Drive. When the affidavit was filed with the court on November 15, police had yet located the video. The contents of the Google Drive was among items seized by police under the warrant, along with his Gmail and iPhone.
According to the affidavit, Bridget Ziegler told detectives she was involved in a sexual encounter with her husband and the woman once over a year ago.
News of the criminal investigation led DeSantis to publicly call for Ziegler to step down from his role at the top of Florida’s Republican Party shortly after the presidential candidate’s debate with California Gov. Gavin Newsom Thursday night on the Fox News Channel.
“I don’t see how he can continue with that investigation ongoing, given the gravity of those situations,” DeSantis told reporters. “And so, I think he should step aside. I think he should tend to that. He’s innocent until proven guilty, but we just can’t have a party chair that is under that type of scrutiny. And so, I hope that — I hope the charges aren’t true. I’ve known him, I’ve known Bridget; they’ve been friends. But the mission is more important,”
The criminal investigation, which sources tell the Trident involves video recordings and the seizure of Christian Ziegler’s phone, is ongoing.
Florida Center for Government Accountability public access director Michael Barfield contributed to the reporting of this story.
About the Author: Bob Norman is an award-winning investigative reporter who serves as Editor-in-Chief of the Florida Trident and journalism program director for the Florida Center for Government Accountability. He can be reached at journalism@flcga.org or by phone at 954-632-4343.
Breaking news: 911 tape released in criminal investigation of Florida GOP chairman Christian Ziegler. “She told me she was raped yesterday and she’s scared to leave her house.” #DefendDemocracyhttps://t.co/IdkLS4nGKD
— Florida Center for Government Accountability (@FLCTRGA) December 1, 2023
Florida GOP Chair Accused of Sexually Assaulting Threesome Partner
Police are investigating Christian Ziegler, husband of Moms for Liberty co-founder Bridget Ziegler, over accusations that he sexually assaulted the couple's alleged partner.
I hope the unidentified victim gets the help and support she needs, and I also hope Zeigler ends up serving time, and I especially hope the whole Mom’s for Liberty crumbles as it’s revealed what kind of fraud group they really are
The “alleged” rapist Zeigler demeaned a gay school board member after he departed the meeting under baseless accusations of being a groomer. Zeigler’s bisexual wife, chair of the board, did nothing to stop the abuse. In the “alleged” rapist Zeigler’s own words: “He may not like the public being informed and being held accountable, but both are on the way.”
That 911 call is wrenching. The woman she was talking about was obviously made to suffer horribly. I’m glad that she didn’t end her life or hurt herself over the unbearable pain that was inflicted on her. I hope she can return to some semblance of a normal life with sufficient time.
The virulent homophobes are closeted self hating gays in denial who need someone else punished for what they’ve been told and buy into what they’ve been told is wrong about themselves.
She’ll do a “redemption” tour in which she explains that the Devil possessed her husband and he forced her into terrible, sinful situations. She, as a loving Christian woman, struggled with how to serve him and do her wifely duties and remain true to her faith. Either they’ll get divorced and she’ll become a RW cause celeb, or they’ll stay married, he will “repent” and they will continue the grift together.
I hope the victim gets the help she needs, not just for the attack on her but the hate coming her way from “loving” Christians angry that she dared to blow the whistle on them.
These people want the right to adopt LGBTQIA kids, then force them to be straight cis kids. This is not about finding homes for these kids, or they would support same-sex couples and single people fostering kids, especially LGBTQIA kids who would enjoy being in a home with people like themselves. Nope, this is about trying to change the kids, to put them through conversion therapy, or find other ways to stop their development as the person who they are. How can these people be so backwards and regressive in 2023? Again as I said before, if they want to live in the past, OK. Just don’t demand everyone live that way also. Be like the Amish or Mennonites. Oh and did you all hear about the republican GOP leader and his wife who was the co-founder of Mom’s for Liberty? Seems the very people attacking gay kids and insisting on straight cis family values were having three ways with another woman. Yes, the co-founder of the group trying to erase gay people from society was having lesbian sex and her husband who pushed the idea of one man / one woman marriage only sex was into 3 way sex with two women. Hugs
Quote from the article, again ask your self why these highly religious anti-LGBTQIA people are demanding the right to foster kids who are LGBTQIA!
But the attorneys general do not believe this is enough. Their letter argues the proposal violates freedom of religion because those unwilling to support LGBTQ foster children “would be excluded from providing care to as many as one-third of foster children ages 12-21.”
Missouri’s child welfare agency already offers guidance to foster care providers asking them to use a child’s ‘preferred name and pronouns’ and provide ‘physically and emotionally safe and supportive care and resources regardless of one’s personal attitudes and beliefs’
A qualifying foster parent under the proposed federal rule would need to be educated on the needs of the child’s sexuality or gender identity and, if the child wishes, “facilitate the child’s access to age-appropriate resources, services, and activities that support their health and well-being” (photo illustration by Ross Williams/Georgia Recorder).
Missouri Attorney General Andrew Bailey this week joined with 18 other states to oppose a proposed federal rule that aims to protect LGBTQ youth in foster care and provide them with necessary services.
The attorneys general argue in a letter to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services that the proposed rule — which requires states to provide safe and appropriate placements with providers who are appropriately trained about the child’s sexual orientation or gender identity — amounts to religion-based discrimination and violates freedom of speech.
“As a foster parent myself,” Bailey said in a news release Tuesday, “I am deeply invested in protecting children and putting their best interests first.”
“Biden’s proposed rule does exactly the opposite by enacting policies meant to exclude people with deeply held religious beliefs from being foster parents.”
The rule is part of a package of federal proposals on foster care and is an extension of the Biden administration’s broader push to protect LGBTQ kids in foster care.
“Because of family rejection and abuse,” the Biden administration said in a September press release, LGBTQ children are “overrepresented in foster care where they face poor outcomes, including mistreatment and discrimination because of who they are.”
State agencies would be required under the rule to provide safe and appropriate foster care placements for those who are “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, intersex,” along with children who are “non-binary or have non-conforming gender identity or expression.”
A qualifying foster parent would need to be educated on the needs of the child’s sexuality or gender identity and, if the child wishes, “facilitate the child’s access to age-appropriate resources, services, and activities that support their health and well-being.”
An example of a safe and appropriate placement is one where a provider is “expected to utilize the child’s identified pronouns, chosen name, and allow the child to dress in an age-appropriate manner,” according to the proposal, “that the child believes reflects their self-identified gender identity and expression.”
The attorneys general characterize that as “forcing an individual to use another’s preferred pronouns by government fiat,” in violation of the First Amendment.
Robert Fischer, director of communications for Missouri LGBTQ advocacy organization PROMO, said the freedom of religion “doesn’t give any person the right to impose those beliefs on others, particularly to discriminate.”
“Any state official who claims to put ‘children’s interests first’ and in the same breath is willing to risk their well-being and opportunity to thrive in the name of religion — I think that speaks for itself,” Fischer told The Independent.
The rule prohibits retaliation against children who identify as LGBTQ or are perceived as LGBTQ.
Public agencies would need to notify children about the option to request foster homes identified as “safe and appropriate” and tell them how to report concerns about their placement.
Agencies would also have to go through extra steps before placing transgender, intersex and gender non-conforming children in group care settings that are divided by sex.
The “majority” of states, according to the proposed rule, would have to “expand their efforts” to recruit and identify providers who could meet the needs of LGBTQ children.
Missouri guidelines
Laws and policies for protecting LGBTQ youth in foster care — relating to kids’ rights, supports, placement considerations, caregiver qualifications and definitions — currently vary by state.
According to a federal report published in January, which reviewed states’ laws and policies, Missouri does not have laws or policies explicitly addressing any of those five categories.
Most states — 39 states and Washington, D.C. — have “explicit protections from harassment or discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity or expression,” according to a federal report, as of January. Missouri is not one of them.
Twenty-two states and D.C. as of January, require agencies to provide tailored services and supports to LGBTQ youth, and eight states and D.C. offer case management and facilitate access to “gender-affirming medical, mental health and social services.”
Children’s Division, the agency within the Missouri Department of Social Services that oversees foster care, offers guidance on their website for providers and child welfare staff in “supporting LGBTQ youth in foster care,” but still does not appear to have official policy on the issue.
A spokesperson for the Missouri Department of Social Services did not respond to a request for comment.
Those guidelines include using the child’s “preferred name and pronouns,” along with establishing a supportive environment and providing “physically and emotionally safe and supportive care and resources regardless of one’s personal attitudes and beliefs.”
The Department of Social Services is part of the administration of Missouri Gov. Mike Parson, and the guidelines were in place the entire time Bailey was serving as Parson’s general counsel — the second highest ranking job in the governor’s office.
Asked whether he raised any objections to the guidelines during his tenure with Parson, Bailey’s spokesperson said he “had no involvement in crafting [the Department of Social Services’] ‘best practices’ as general counsel.”
AG arguments
Missouri Attorney General Andrew Bailey speaks Jan. 20 (Annelise Hanshaw/Missouri Independent).
The 19 attorneys general contend the federal rule would “remove faith-based providers from the foster care system” because of their “religious beliefs on sexual orientation and gender identity.”
They cite Fulton v. City of Philadelphia, a U.S. Supreme Court case that ruled a public agency couldn’t force private, religious foster agencies to allow same-sex foster parents.
The proposed rule itself also acknowledges the Supreme Court case and alleges that by not requiring religious foster-care providers to welcome LGBTQ children, it is complying with the court’s precedent.
But the attorneys general do not believe this is enough. Their letter argues the proposal violates freedom of religion because those unwilling to support LGBTQ foster children “would be excluded from providing care to as many as one-third of foster children ages 12-21.”
“In addition to discriminating against religion, the proposed rule will harm children by limiting the number of available foster homes, harm families by risking kinship placements, and harm states by increasing costs and decreasing care options,” the letter says.
The rule would “discourage individuals and organizations of faith from joining or continuing in foster care,” the attorneys general argue, and “reduce family setting options.” Without faith-based foster parents, the attorneys general say, children would be more likely to be placed in congregate settings.
They also say the rule could disqualify family members who volunteer as placement, or kinship care, if the family member does not agree to support the child’s sexuality or gender identity with age-appropriate resources, as the rule entails.
Last night was the big debate between Govs. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) and Gavin Newsom (D-CA). We’d like to give you a link so that if you missed it, and would like to watch, you could do so. However, at Fox, the news is a business and not a public service, and this was (technically) a regular episode of Hannity. So, if you want to watch it, you have to pay for Fox’s streaming service. Sorry. That said, here’s a pretty good 3-minute rundown of the highlights.
We watched it, of course, because that’s part of our responsibilities. And we’re going to give you our assessment by focusing on the four entities that were (or, in one case, were not) a part of the debate:
Newsom: Newsom may have been going into hostile territory, but he almost certainly had the easier task, which was to establish himself as a credible candidate of national stature. And he managed to achieve his goal.
Newsom would love, love, love to be butter-smooth, like Barack Obama, Bill Clinton or Ronald Reagan, but he’s not that. It’s probably not a coincidence that all three of those men were either college professors or actors; two jobs that force you to learn how to read and respond to an audience. Newsom is also not a passionate, fire-breathing true believer, like Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT); not that the Governor is shooting for that.
No, Newsom is a wonky debater, like Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). That’s not an insult; Warren was a champion debater who was good enough at it to earn a college scholarship. Being like Warren means that Newsom had strong command of facts and statistics, that we was well-prepared for DeSantis’ lines of attack and was generally able to parry them, that he generally was capable of thinking on his feet and adapting when needed, and that he got off the occasional bon mot. Certainly the line of the night (which was undoubtedly pre-written) was when Newsom looked at DeSantis and said that “[what] we have in common is that neither of us will be the nominee for our party in 2024.”
DeSantis: DeSantis, meanwhile, had de facto home field advantage, but he had the harder task, namely to try to change the trajectory of the 2024 GOP primaries. The Governor did not come within a country mile of doing that.
To start, DeSantis showed once again that he has exactly one facial expression, which is “grimace.” And he has one tone of voice, which is nasal/whiny. No matter what he says, whether it’s pro-Democratic or pro-Republican, it’s going to be kind of a turn off because he is kind of a turn off.
Beyond that, however, DeSantis’ remarks and responses had three themes: California sucks, Democrats suck and Joe Biden sucks. If you can explain how any of those three messages help explain why you should vote for DeSantis instead of Donald Trump, then you are cleverer than we are.
It is also the case that DeSantis seems to live in a fantasy world (but definitely not in Fantasyland, where he’s not welcome). Most obviously, his version of California is that it is a dystopian hellscape. This comports with Republican talking points, but not with reality. At various points, DeSantis claimed that California has made it legal for unhomed people to defecate on the sidewalk (he even held up a map of defecation hotspots in San Francisco) and to light their own encampments on fire, that it takes twice as long to shop in California because everything is under lock and key to prevent theft, and that women in the state can never wear jewelry in public because they are certain to be mugged. The Governor shared similar fantastical ideas about Democrats and about Biden.
This is not to say that everything that came out of DeSantis’ mouth was a lie or an exaggeration, or that some of his ideas about California don’t have SOME basis in reality. For example, (Z), who walks around Los Angeles a lot, has seen human feces on the sidewalk… twice. At his local drug store, the razors, baby formula, cigarettes and liquor are under lock and key… while 95% of the inventory is not. And he knows a couple of women who turned their wedding rings around while in downtown. On the other hand, he’s been to Florida, and he’s seen most of these things there, too.
Maybe there are people out there who accept everything DeSantis says uncritically. Probably there are. But anyone watching with even a sliver of an open mind surely has to be left with the impression that he’s as truth-challenged as Trump is, while being considerably less effective at selling his lies and exaggerations.
Hannity: Hannity made clear that he should never, ever, ever be allowed to moderate a real debate, even if it’s candidates for assistant dogcatcher of East Cupcake. The first problem is that despite the fact that it was his show, and his studio, with microphones ostensibly controlled by his staff, he had absolutely no ability to enforce discipline. The candidates constantly talked over each other. Not only was Hannity unable to control it, but he eventually became petulant and whiny, at one point complaining that “I’m not a potted plant here!”
The second problem is that a disproportionate number of Hannity’s questions were, to be blunt, stupid. For example, he asked the two governors to “grade” Joe Biden, while not allowing them to explain their choice of grade. Surprise, surprise; DeSantis gave Biden an “F” and Newsom gave an “A.” What on earth was the point of that exercise? What could possibly be learned from that? And there were a lot of questions of that sort, that basically boiled down to: “Please give me your talking point on [Subject X].”
And the third problem is that Hannity started the debate by promising to be a neutral arbiter, but then spent the entire debate putting his thumb (and the rest of his hand, and arm) on the scale for DeSantis. To take one example, Hannity’s staff had a pre-prepared graphic that revealed that since 2019, California has had 19 mass shootings that killed 4 or more people while Florida has had 9 such shootings. This was part of the discussion of gun-control laws (California) or lack thereof (Florida), and was meant to help DeSantis make his point that gun-control laws don’t work.
We are not experts on gun-violence statistics, but we suspect some cherry picking here. At very least, with such a small number of qualifying incidents per year, there has to be some amount of random variation here, which means that 4 years is too small a sample size. Also, the population of California is 39.24 million, while the population of Florida is 21.78 million, which means California has 180.1% of the population that Florida does. Meanwhile, 19 is 211% of 9. So, it would seem the primary difference between California and Florida when it comes to the total number of mass shootings is… California has way more people. And there were at least a dozen things like that, where Hannity and his team had chosen statistics or had made infographics clearly designed to prop up DeSantis.
The Audience: One of Newsom’s requirements for attending the debate was “no audience,” and he got what he wanted. And wow, even with the two governors yelling over each other on a constant basis, the absence of an audience was still noticeable and a vast, vast improvement. Debates are not a football game, and the viewing audience does not need to be told what to think or feel by a bunch of howling yahoos.
Who knows if this is a one-off, or if it will establish some sort of tradition? We tend to suspect that DeSantis will not be eager to repeat the experiment, once someone tells him that he did himself absolutely no good when it comes to the 2024 presidential race, but that’s just a guess. (Z)
Florida governor—and failing 2024 presidential candidate—Ron DeSantis sold his Party’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ law as a way to protect children in elementary schools from LGBTQ+ “sexualization.” Then it was expanded through grade 12. Now, a Republican proposed legislation to expand it to the workplace. These efforts to restrict LGBTQ+ rights are never really about the children, and it’s time Americans wake up and realize that.
Yara Jamal, a former journalist at CTV News Atlantic, is speaking out after she was fired for expressing her thoughts about the conflict in supporting a one-state democratic solution.
Also shown and discussed is a talk between Jewish Professor Avi Shlaim and Palestinian Author Ghada Karmi agreeing on a one-state solution.
I found the talk between Jewish Professor Avi Shlaim and Palestinian Author Ghada Karmi agreeing on a one-state solution to be very enlightening. Hugs. Scottie
Breaking with a lot of the EU, Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez and Belgian Prime Minister Alexander De Croo delivered a clear joint statement on the humanitarian crisis that is unfolding at the hands of Israel.
Please notice what reason they gave for not protecting LGBTQIA kids from abuse, bullying, and not getting equal treatment. It violates their religious freedom to be kind and treat those kids fairly. Yes, read the article. I am so sick of these people trying to force their religion on everyone. Yet they claim to be removing LGBTQIA from society and the public to protect children. But they demand the right to abuse LGBTQIA kids? All this rule does is prevent gay kids from being placed with fundamentalist religious people that feel entitled to force these kids in to conversion therapy, which has been proven to be harmful and dangerous. Hugs. Scottie
Missouri Attorney General Andrew Bailey this week joined with 18 other states to oppose a proposed federal rule that aims to protect LGBTQ youth in foster care and provide them with necessary services.
The attorneys general argue in a letter to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services that the proposed rule — which requires states to provide safe and appropriate placements with providers who are appropriately trained about the child’s sexual orientation or gender identity — amounts to religion-based discrimination and violates freedom of speech.
“As a foster parent myself,” Bailey said in a news release Tuesday, “I am deeply invested in protecting children and putting their best interests first. Biden’s proposed rule does exactly the opposite by enacting policies meant to exclude people with deeply held religious beliefs from being foster parents.”
Read the full article. Missouri’s state child care agency already provides pro-LGBTQ guidance to prospective foster parents.
But… who else will they push to suicide? How else will they guarantee to calm their god’s vengeful spirit and avert natural disasters if not through human sacrifice!? /s
He needs to complete that sentence: enacting policies meant to exclude people with deeply held religious beliefs from being foster parentsto LGBT children they’d shame and torture.
I join you in that hate. It is constantly bandied about, but never defined, tested or challenged in court.
Kim Davis waved her “sincerely held” card, yet never had to prove it. She was an adulteress, divorced and changed her religion. Doesn’t sound too sincere to me.
Because religion in general, and Christianity in fucking particular, enjoy undue and unbridled entitlement and privilege and special rights i9n this fucked up country.
Because they are a powerful voting block and are pandered to by one part.
“In God We Trust” is the official motto of the United States as well as the motto of the U.S. state of Florida. It was adopted by the U.S. Congress in 1956, replacing E pluribus unum, which had been the de facto motto since the initial design of the Great Seal of the United States
I wouldn’t mind if they tried to play deeply religious kids with foster parents who would support their religious activities. That seems fair. So why don’t they want the same for lgbt kids. Oh right. Their “right” to be bigots means inflicting their bullshit on everyone, even if it drives them to suicide.
There would be very few children in the foster care system if *heterosexual* parents didn't abuse and abandon their children by the tens of thousands every year. https://t.co/mWvMWaLxs7
Notice it just requires them to be “trained” on LBGTQ+ issues, not even believe or support them. But I guess that’s a bridge too far for these fuckers.
“which requires states to provide safe and appropriate placements with providers who are appropriately trained about the child’s sexual orientation or gender identity”
I don’t really know how to write this. It has been so upsetting to me, yet he needed to know, and his not knowing was also becoming a problem. I was trying so hard to hide it all from him that it was causing him to wonder why some things were causing me to have issues.
Yesterday I arranged for each of us to get three vaccines from our local Walgreens pharmacy. We both got the covid, the flu, and the RSV vaccine shot. Then today I went and got my three allergy shots.
When I got home I started doing dishes, Ron talked about not wanting me to work so hard in the house, as he was trying to get a door up between our living room and the rest of the house that the Hurricane Ian ripped off. But then we started talking. And my world went South, East, North, West, and all over the map.
I don’t know how the conversation came up, but it had something to do with my adoptive family and the hell spawn that abused me. Ron said something about one of the hell spawn siblings, and it just slipped out. I really never wanted to tell him, I told myself I wouldn’t. But dogs that love gravy I did.
I told him how the hell spawn knew I was adopted, and because there was an ambiguity over if I was really a member of the family or not. Because the adoptive mother wanted me, but it became clear fast the adoptive father did not. He made it clear I was not a member of the family. But when I stopped being a cute toddler, she lost interest in me also.
But back to today. Ron mentioned something from the hell spawn, and I just started to tell him. As I have said in 2007 on our way home I told him I had been abused but never told him more details and he said he had figured that out. But then he has lived with me having terrible nightmares where I relive being raped or beaten. So really I understood he would understand. He has woken me when I was begging or screaming in my sleep.
I am not sure how it started now, my mind is trying hard to bury it. But I started by telling him of the Vet across the street that was fucking me at 4, then I told him the worst of it, starting with how the hell spawn daughter / sister who was in charge of us at night would get her boyfriend sexual excited and then let him have me to satisfy his need. She got pregnant at 14 like her mother, married by 15. Three marriages, two of her husbands would molest / rape me. One of her husbands loved to play with little boys wieners, especially when he was inside me. I told him how each of the male hell spawn of the family who were teens used me repeatedly. And how they let their friends have me. I told him one of their fun games was forcing me to the top of the staircase, then pushing / throwing me down it. Betting on how far I would go, how many times I would bounce, stuff like that. And then the most painful, I told him parts, but not all of the abuse by the adoptive father. He more than any others enjoyed hurting me. Maybe because he never wanted me at all, but regardless, the things he enjoyed doing to me, I still can not face today.
Once I started, I just couldn’t stop. I told him of the beatings, the sexual assaults, the fear of them all, the time the one hell spawn I thought I could trust to be my friend lay on top of me hitting me saying admit your gay, admit your gay. I was 5 years old and she was 10, and had no idea what she was hitting me for. Then she said because guys fuck you, you play with their dicks. What, why is that wrong? It is not like I had a choice! I told him of the beatings, and other attempts to break my bones, and how the hell spawn used me sexually. I nearly broke when I told him how one of then raped me so badly, I described to him how I was then beaten for soiling my sheets. One of the hell spawn like to pee on me at night to get me into trouble, and when I finally got a bed I would wake up to him peeing on me and I knew in the morning I would again be blamed for wetting the bed. The adoptive parents either did not believe me or thought it funny.
He already knew how until I was like 7 or more, I slept in a hallway, because as my adoptive mother told me I did not need or deserve a bedroom / bed like the other kids. Often they would take me to their beds, and I knew the price for the privilege and yes I willingly paid it. Wouldn’t you? I told him parts of my summer in Canada, and he said it explained why I wouldn’t have anything to do with the adoptive father’s mother when I was an adult and she would be visiting. I refused to be in the same room with her. He always wondered about that.
I could go on, but I got a lot of stuff out that I had hidden from him. Then suddenly after I was done explaining everything to him, or at least a lot that he did not know, I suddenly had the fear I always have had all my life. I suddenly worried he wouldn’t love me, I was damaged, I had been fucked by a lot of boys / men not him. I was less than, used and … Hell and shit, why did I tell him so much I had kept hidden! Why now damn it! 34 years I had kept it hidden … yet today I exploded with the sexual and physical abuse information. I know that is stupid to think that way, but he never knew the details. I had kept them from him, leaving it vague. He knew I was abused, but not the details, now he knows details.
I did not even tell him about the court ordered visits to doctors or therapist. And how the cop that escorted me used it to have a tryst with his mistress, with me listening through the open door, seeing some of it. Thankfully I don’t remember him telling me to join them, but as conditioned as I was, I would have.
But as I was getting to the worst of it he sat next to me, and then as I was starting to falter and feel I did the very wrong thing, he slowly reached out to me. I realize now that he did not want to trigger me. He stood up, came over closer and gently hugged me. I was trying to say I was sorry, I did not mean to tell him, but he just held me. Then after he let me go he suggested I go wash my face but he told me as I turned away. “I love you, I have always loved you. This changes nothing how I feel about you.” He said a lot of comforting things, things like they can’t hurt you and you won’t ever have to see them again, some are dead. But he knows they still hurt me, they haunt me. The memories are always there somewhere, waiting to pop back up.
He made me a small supper but I was so upset I hardly ate. Then he suggested I go to bed for a while. But I struggled to sleep. He came down to check on me and then rubbed my back and arms until I fell asleep.
All that happened yesterday. We got up about 3:45 am because Tupac wanted food and then out to do what cats do outside. I am fixing errors, stuff that needed reworking, then I will post it. Ron is treating me really softly this morning, he knows I got very little sleep. My emotions are all over the place, my nerves are raw. Maybe getting it out, letting him know the details, maybe the memories will let me rest, let me be for a while. I have a doctor’s appointment this morning. Oh well. Hugs to all.
