Like everyone, I always have the best of intentions.  I planned this weekend for getting to comments and putting away old saved tabs.  But fate and my memories get in the way.  And right now I hurt badly.  Not asking for sympathy, I just want to explain if I end up late on doing what I said I would.   

This last week I have fluctuating between active memories of my abuse including the feelings as it was happening, to being very depressed and not wanting to even get out of bed.  So I went from if I sleep having nightmares to not being willing / able to sleep to when sleeping not being willing to get out of bed to function.  Plus Friday I had my allergy shots, had a bad reaction had to take Benadryl, and while tearing my skin off went to bed early.  

This morning is an example.  I went to bed at 4 pm yesterday (remember having a bad allergy reaction and taking Benadryl)  telling Ron I wanted to get up at 6 pm.  But when he came to me then, I said I was not ready to get up.  He understood.  Since I opened up to him more about my abuse he understands some of the moods I have and me trying to hide in being distracted.  I woke at midnight but couldn’t bring my self to get up.  I laid there watching the clock, the thoughts in my head fighting with each other.  Some telling me to get up and do computer stuff, the other voices told me to stay in bed, ignore everything, maybe sleep.  A couple of times I did sleep for a few minutes until the dreams turned bad, and I woke up agitated.  Once Ron woke me asking if I was OK because I was having a bad dream about my abuse and verbalizing it.   At 2 am, I reminded my self of my promise to get up and work on comments.   At 4 am, I told my self the outside cats needed to be fed and cared for.  Finally at about 5 something I forced my self out of bed but mostly because my stomach was hurting due to lack of food (something I knew all too well and was triggering on its own which caused its own bad feedback loop in my head.   As an adult in a restaurant I would order far more than I could eat, and it took Ron a long time to teach me how not to do that.  At home I would cook for far more people than the two of us could eat.  When Ron would cook I would fill my plate with far more than I could eat.   Only after I told him how I had been denied food, hospitalized and went clinically dead from being starved and was suffering malnutrition for long periods of my childhood did he understand.  If my grandfather had not grabbed me and taken me to the ER I would not be here.) and plus my bowels needing relief.  

I got up and was doing well, I feed and took care of cats, I did other chores and went to town on the computer stuff I needed to get done.  But yesterday the water was off for most of the day, so we didn’t wash the dishes from yesterday.  So about 10 am I started washing dishes, cleaning up the kitchen, and washing the more dishes.   Also pre-making the coffee for morning.  For some reason that whole thing took me until 2 pm!   During that I had to take extra medication, and now I am having a vodka cola drink.  

All this to say, I am going to concentrate on current comments while saving posts so that by morning they won’t disappear.  I will work as long as I can (Ron has already been asking me what I want for supper as he knows how tired I am and wants to make sure I eat before going to bed) doing the comments and will save those I don’t get to for tomorrow, which should be a slower day.  I saved all the comments from the last few days so if you left comments know I will answer them, I really love that you commented.  Thank you.   It just has been a struggle for a few months with my memories, emotions, and my body.   Hugs, loves, best wishes to all.   Scottie