Today

Hi everyone. I am not going to post today. Maybe later a video or such. Nor am I going to be reading / liking other blogs. I hope later I can jump in and get to comments before they disappear from the cue, but no promises. Ron is traveling to NH for his last visit with his family and to intern his brother that died this spring. He felt the need to do this last trip at 69. I stayed home because I don’t travel well with my pain and I have to take care of the kids / cats, take care of the house including litter boxes, and handle the accounts / bills.

I am dealing with many letters and threads on Male Survivor, the abuse site I am a member of. It is causing me great distress while Ron is not here not to mention I feel overwhelmed, both at home and on both sites. One of our cats who sleeps on our bed is old and incontinent, so he pees the bed, sometimes poops. That leads to frequent stripping the bed, washing the sheets, making the bed. Ron normally helps and does the hard parts, he is not here. Scottie doing the job. Lucky his poops are very hard nobs so not sticky.

Sorry my point is simply I am suffering from a cold my loving wonderful husband blessed me with as he left for his trip, I am struggling to deal with the stuff on the MS site which is coming in as or faster than on my blog. We all try to support each other so … people there are reaching out to me. Just like people comment on the blog and I try to answer, I try to answer there. I am sick, tired, emotional not in a good place and overwhelmed. But I will overcome this in a few days.

No fear people this is not a cry for sympathy nor will I start cutting again. It is an explanation. I want you to know why I might not be around or posting for a few days. But don’t despair … there may be heroes waiting to jump in and save the day. We wait to see. Hugs with deep love, Scottie

A memory that has bothered me, been resurfacing repeatedly for weeks. Trigger warning !!!

Trigger warning what follows is about my abuse as a young, little boy. It is a painful memory that I have that may hurt others reading it.

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When I was little like 4 to 6 / 7 yrs old one of the things done to me by both the hell spawn siblings to cause me pain and make me compliant and by my adult AF (adoptive father) to make me more compliant was … using rubbing alcohol on my butt and little boy parts. Ok I have danced around it, I guess I have to explain.

I would be grabbed by the hell spawn when no one was around. It took at least two or three to do this. They would strip me of my clothing, knowing what was coming I tried to resist which really they liked because it showed how much more powerful they were than me. They would force me face down, with one / more holding my upper body down, and another pinning my legs down.

Trigger warning, last chance to bail on this, I sure wish I could, but this has been hitting me day and night so I have to get it out.

Once they had me pinned down, they would pry my clenched butt cheeks open. I would struggle to hold them closed with everything I had … but I always lost. Once they had my butt cheeks spread open, they would pour rubbing alcohol down my butt crack, letting it flow over my stretched butthole and over my tinny scrotum / little penis. I would cry, thrash, beg, … and it burned so bad. Often the hell spawn siblings would stop there unless one of them wanted to punish me more or one of the males wanted to prove a point. The adoptive father would do this sometimes if I did not willingly give him what he wanted. They / he would put his finger in rubbing alcohol and then rub it on my anus, my butt hole, then resoak their finger and jam it into me. I soon learned that when it was threatened to be a good and submit with no fight, to be the submissive fuck … doll, fleshlight, what ever, be the warm body they needed to come in, to humiliate. The memories hurt, but not as much as the pain of having rubbing alcohol poured over my anus, little balls and on my tiny penis. Or forced roughly into my sore asshole. I learned to not fight, to give in quickly and often. It was bad enough to have a penis, a dick thrust into me at that age with no lube and little prep, but to have such a painful substance put on it first … it was horrible.

This is the memory that has been disturbing my sleep and upsetting me during the day. Thank you for letting me express it, to try to get it out of my system. Hugs. Scottie

I need a suggestion from you

Recently I have been suffering, the news is dark and I am again having … triggers of my past. At times when I sleep I am struggling with dreams about my abusers. Not about the abuse so much but just with them in the dreams threatening me. Thankfully after disclosing my full abuse to Ron I could talk to him. He has two solutions. First he thinks the news about the resurgence of tRump is part of the problem because tRump was like my adoptive father, only my adoptive father was far more hands on violent. So Ron wants me to take a couple of days, and ignore the news that day. Instead we have Netflix, HBO, and Amazon Prime Video and he wants me that day to watch videos and not look at any news or even the blog. I think he is correct. The other day I watched 20 minutes of a Picard show on Prime and was so happy, then crashed and went to bed. I am thinking Sunday is the best day to do this. Why. I normally set Sunday morning aside to watch on air broadcasts of the Sunday news shows. But for a long while it has become clear they cater to the republicans and attack the democrats, and the coverage after the debate was so stupid I did not even watch it. All Biden bad, but no mention of the failing tRump.

The question. Days of mental health. Oh had a great visit with my new doctor, when I told him of my abuse he totally understood. Took great pains to explain ever touch and when I flinched stepped back and asked if I needed him to stop. I like him.

So what days and how many should I forget news, forget the blog, and watch fun stuff? I want one, Ron suggests two. Yes he and I tried the after 7 no news or blog … but that did not work when I started getting up at two or three in the morning and going to bed before 7 pm. I have a thing about the ever coming in posts from other people I like, I feel driven to read them, I like them. So I think Sunday. Ron would prefer two days one during the week … But that is the most busy news times. Anyway, I told him I would ask you guys. Yes it seems silly now that I think about it, why ask people online what days I should take off, … but that is the blogging life, right? The truth is the news is depressing, I have a history of abuse that can lead to bad thoughts and so to depression. Ron has seen a decline in me that he wants to stop. He knows I will not stop watching news, but he knows I love movies and Star Trek shows. His solution is one or two days a week … only fun stuff, no blogging or news reading. What do you guys think? Sunday was the first time in weeks I got everything cleared before going to bed, so Instead maybe Saturday. I know if I take a day off or two, I will miss stuff, might lose stuff. But it might be OK. Also I agreed with Ron that we could start going out to eat something that we have not done since 2020. OK I am beating a dead horse here because I don’t want to admit he might be correct. I guess on the other computer I might put … oh heck, more YouTube as I am way behind. So many videos, so little time I can sit in this chair. Hugs. Scottie

Four days of torture and a 24 hour sabbatical

This is the second attempt to write this as I was in classic and tried to post a link to a source and well WordPress did its new magic when working with classic and wiped out an hours worth of work. So I will try again. My mind is still a bit foggy so the new post won’t be as well or have as much in it as the first. ***After I wrote the entire post I see the above was not so correct, the post is long***

I am on the maximum dosage of Baclofen and my back / leg spasms are still increasing and getting worse. This causes an increase of pain. My pain doctor who gives me my spine shots felt I needed more relief and I was not getting as much as I should be, so he told me to try a different drug that may or may not help me. He did not discuss how to stop the Baclofen but simply said try this one it might give you more relief or not. I now think I misunderstood him and he meant to use it as a back-up to the Baclofen. He is incredibly smart and well respected in his profession so the idea he would want me to do what I did doesn’t make sense.

Baclofen is a horribly unforgiving medication. It is hard to get used to using, and it can be deadly if not managed correctly. Needless to say I did not manage stopping the medication correctly at all. Here are some things that can happen and sadly I can not post the link but will have to do it below. (I hate to do it and it will mean less posting but I may have to start posting by writing the post in Word then pasting it in to WordPress somehow. What drew me to WordPress and then back to WordPress was the ease in just opening Classic and writing a post. All my extensions work and it was fun. Not so much now.)

Baclofen Withdrawal Symptoms

Baclofen withdrawal symptoms can be similar to those of benzodiazepine and alcohol withdrawal. Withdrawal from all of these substances can be severe and, in some cases, deadly. People are most likely to go through baclofen withdrawal if they have been using the drug for more than a few months. Baclofen withdrawal can occur whether someone uses a low or high dose. If someone suddenly stops using the drug, withdrawal symptoms are more likely to be severe. Baclofen withdrawal symptoms can include:

Visual and auditory hallucinations
Tactile hallucinations
Confusion
Delusions
Disorientation
Delirium
Insomnia
Dizziness
Nausea
Memory problems
Anxiety
Changes in perception
Hyperthermia
Depersonalization
Psychosis
Mania
Mood disturbances
Changes in behavior
Tachycardia
Seizures
Tremors
Fever
Extreme rebound muscle rigidity and spasticity

Some of the most severe symptoms of baclofen withdrawal, such as seizures, hallucinations and organ failure, can be avoided if someone participates in a professional baclofen detox.

I stopped taking it one morning. Boy my body quickly let me know it was not happy about it. My pain levels went off the scale, and I was in agony. I struggled with the last one on the list also some of the others. Plus I did not sleep. I would lay there and toss / turn but if I slept it was in small time periods of 15 minutes or so and at most I got a total of 1 or 2 hours a day. To put it mildly, I was having nausea, struggling with the personality changes all this was causing, confusion, insomnia, tremors, and fever as the worst of the effects. By the end of the fourth day Ron was seriously concerned, he had looked up the symptoms and seen my rapid deterioration. He was begging me to go back to the baclofen or at least call the doctor to tell them. I thought it over. What I wanted and needed was not worth what I was doing through. So I took my first baclofen the end of the fourth day and went to bed.

The next day which was yesterday I woke up late but felt so much better. I was still having some symptoms but my main problem was the lack of ability to focus and confusion. I just felt tired out. At the appropriate time I took my second set of medication and … The world stopped. Well the world did not but I did. I mentioned to Ron I felt really tired and was going to go lay down. Well I lay down, and 6 hours later Ron woke me to ask if I would like to eat and maybe I should take off my headphones which I was still wearing. Which is weird as I don’t like wearing headphones which is why I need my own room for my computers, so I can listen to my stuff without the need for headphones or earbuds.

I am back. Sorry got so tired I went to lay down for an hour plus.

So after I got up yesterday, removed my headphones, we had supper. I was not really hungry but Ron had the desire to have crispy chicken strips and french fries cooked in the big deep frier. I enjoy them, but we both marveled I do not eat like I used to. I had maybe four strips and a small serving of french fries. The good news on that front is I had been stuck on a weight plateau to 184, and recently I have dropped below that into the 170s running right now between 175 and 177 pounds. After eating I offered to pick it up, Ron said he would do it, but I wanted to help so we split the work. Then I went back to bed.

I slept, then I slept some more. When Ron came to bed at 10 pm, I took my next set of medications and my nighttime insulin. Then after mumbling to Ron that I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I went right to sleep. I slept until 3 am when Tupac’s small stomach alarm went off. Every morning at that time he cries and cries until one of us gets up and feeds him half a can of wet food. He has a bowl of dry food but we got him hooked on wet food and he loves it. But if we give him as much as he wants, he will get sick and vomit it, so we give him half a can or so at a time now. Normally I do it because Ron is sleeping. This morning I did not respond and Ron asked If I wanted him to do it, his tone hopeful I would offer to get up. I did not. I did not even hear him and Tupac come back to bed. I slept until 6:15 or so when Tupac’s stomach alarm went off again. He knows now since his long time feral playtime outside friend … well the night before she was seen no more we again had a young coyote scouting around the house. We had tried so hard for two years to get her to at least come into the Florida room for the night, but she just won’t. She has disappeared. So Tupac has new rules. He is allowed outside during the day but once night fall and darkness has come he is inside now. He sometimes argues about it but, until he learns to open the doors he lives by it. In truth he doesn’t make much fuss, and even at 3 am he doesn’t ask to go out anymore, but goes right back to bed.

One last note. Over the 24 hours or so I slept Ron kept checking me. He said this morning that the only thing that bothered him was that during the times he checked on me and during the night I was very vocal. I cried, wept, moaned, groaned, and made other sounds. He said I did not seem to struggle or move around, and I was not begging like when it is really bad so he let me sleep. I asked him if I talked anything clearly that could be understood more than just sounds. He said no he was watching, I did not beg or plead for it to stop, or beg not to be hurt so he did not know if to wake me. I said he did the correct thing as I want him to know I love he cares and understands now what I lived through and still experience in dreams. He asked if I wanted to talk about the dreams, and I said no, I had them, I experienced the abuse in more mild than normal and I did not want to relive it or have him live it so no I did not want to tell him the dreams. He is so wonderful he accepted that, gave me long wonderful hugs and kisses.

So that has been the last five days. That what I went through. It is going to take days to get back on track if ever. I will not be posting the meme post today or this week, I did not work on it all week so there is not really anything to post. Love everyone who comes to my little spot on the interwebs who want to hear my opinion. Hugs to those who wish them, my heart felt best wishes to all others. Scottie

The link for the Baclofen information is https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/baclofen-addiction/withdrawal-detox/ but a simple search will show how unforgiving the medication is and how deadly it can be to try to come off it the wrong way.

9 hours of fear and frustration.

Since I got my steroid back shots I have been able to sleep great with much less pain. So I did not get up this morning until 5 am. Ok late but very happy to be sleeping well for a change. But soon my happy turned to ashes. After Ron and I worked together, as he decided to get up with me as he wanted to work on the outside stuff before it got hot, we fed cats, got coffee, and all else. Then I sat down at the command consoles and went to work.

I started videos and started the dump and reinstall of the Blogging computer. Everything went great. All programs installed … until I installed Vivaldi. Clicked on the bookmarks bar at the top for my Scotties Playtime blog. Yes the page came up. Then I went to the log in. Signed in with out much thought as it always works that way so why sweat it. The log happened and on the top of the Playtime window was the notification bell I love. I clicked it. My stuff was not there. I went over to the admin button and again nothing of mine was there. No matter what I tried to do I was getting the wrong stuff. I figured the install went bad. But first I spent a few hours trying to make the WordPress / Jetpack coming up work.

I dumped it again. Loaded it up partly and went to Vivaldi again and the same happened. Now I could use it on the other computer. I was supper upset. I figured maybe the order I was loading it up in was the issue so I dumped it again. This time I reinstalled the Windows system very carefully and was careful of every setting. I slowly added programs and checked them, I cleaned the computer between every step. I was very happy with the install. About 8 hours had gone by and I had not eaten or showered nor did anything else. From 5:30 am to about 3:45 pm I worked only on this and worried about it. When Ron asked me why I was so upset I told him my blog is really my life, it is my window to the world and something was causing me to lose my window, my world, my friends.

So as the last thing I installed Vivaldi. Remember it was working great on the Video computer and I was blogging from there. Imagine my horror when I brought up my Playtime and everything looked great. Then I clicked the sign on button, it came up with the name Scotties…….. and I clicked next, the computer put the password in. I hit the button and my blog came up with the write button and the bell button that I use to do posts and reply to comments along with read other blogs. I hit the bell and my heart sank. It was the same. I had already tried it with Chrome and Firefox so I knew my blog was OK, … my heart felt like it was heavier than the very large cat we have named Odie who has lost weight but at 26.1 pounds is still a struggle for me to lift. What could possibly be wrong.

I debated pulling the drives out and doing a 35 sweep wipe on them but as I did the installs I wiped them quickly so that did not seem likely to be the problem. In despair I cleaned everything, cleaned all the saved data / cookies in Vivaldi. Then opened the Playtime saved bookmark. My page came up. I clicked the sign in button and my blog name came up. I sat there depressed, I was tired, very very sore, I had not eaten but Ron made me take a donut because of my sugar, and I started at the sign in. The computer people reading this can already tell the problem and what I was doing wrong. Something that had not happened on the first time I installed Vivaldi.

When I installed it originally I had it take the bookmarks, passwords, and all important stuff from my Chrome long time forever browser. What I missed … I have had Chrome for all my blogs since 2007 and all my blogs start with the same thing … Scotties. I am used to Chrome putting up the right sign in for Playtime as it did for every other blog. What has caused me a day of anxiety, anger, fear, doubt, and worry was Vivaldi was offer all of those former ones that Chrome saved but never used with the Playtime sign in.

As I sat there glaring at it I began to see it, the problem. Yes the username did start Scotties … but the end was toybox. A blog I lost years ago in deep frustration. It kept trying to sign me into a blog I no longer had. Being WordPress it remembered and offered it to me as a sign in even though it was long gone. I retyped it to Scottiesplaytime, put in the correct password. I took a deep breath and hit the sign in button.

My blog returned in all its glory. It was there and I was back. Oh by my dogs that love gravy I think I was experiencing something like sexual satisfaction. So I am happy, the truth is I was stupid and taking something for granted that I should have paid attention too. I could have been back up at 8 am with everything ready. Now I have to go take a shower, and have something to eat. But I will be back later if my back and butt will stand it. Loves, Hugs, Best Wishes, and so many happy breaths. Scottie

I had shots yesterday

So for those that may wonder why I may be a bit erratic the next few days … I got trigger point steroid injections into my swollen back muscles. 12 painful muscle shots in the back. I will also have to dump and rest the blogging computer. When I was doing the updates on the reset I had to restart it a few times during the install and it screwed up some of the settings and installation. The start menu is messed up and the power sleep settings wont set properly, plus some other things. Hugs. Scottie

Good, Bad, Maybe?

As some may know I had 100s of open tabs in different windows way back to January 1st. They were of comments I wanted to reply to and posts I wanted to to make on stories. But just trying to get through a single day I am lucky to stay with in two days behind so never get to the top, much less the old tabs. Also some of you may understand I switched to a new browser I really like, Vivaldi. I have been wanting to get back to doing videos and the only holding me up was my sound quality. To use my Bluetooth Apple earbuds in the computer I had to change my Bluetooth adapters.

One of the features that Vivaldi has is a session remember feature that can remember your open tabs and return them if you close the browser or even shut down the computer. It can even be set to save automatically which I love. I had my settings set to remember the session of that day. I got new adapter last night. This morning I tried to set it up on the video computer, which is not the one I was using for recording because it had a stronger signal than my older one. I was going to put the one on the video computer on the blogging computer because that adapter was even older. But when I switched the one on the video computer to the blogging computer it wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t work and I ended up shutting down and starting them many times. Reloading drivers, trying work arounds, nothing would make it work. But the new adapter will work on the blogging computer that I use for recording, and so I put it on that computer and returned the original one back on the video computer.

Now for the bad. I bet some of you can see it coming already. New browser, different way to remember open tabs … during the struggle to make the old adapter work on the computer it refused to do so, I kept restarting the blogging computer. Now on Chrome that was not a problem because the tab order was stored in the history and would be able to be recovered. Yes Vivaldi has a history but not in the same useable way. As I opened pages to get new drivers and then shut down the browser saved those as the current session. Oh yes.

When I got everything back up and working imagine my shock on going to sessions an clicking restore session I got only the pages I had opened the last time I shut the computer down … everything from before was gone. Nearly five months of saved tabs in 6 different windows gone just like that. And no I can’t get them from Chrome because the compulsive person I am I cleaned that browser as soon as I decided I like Vivaldi better. What I have done now is change the auto save to the last three sessions.

When I told Ron this he seriously said it maybe for the best. He said the older stuff was bothering me, I felt driven to keep it yet couldn’t ever find time to get to it. This may relieve me of some stress and let me concentrate more on the today stuff I want to do. I love the way he looks at these things. I will choose to look at it the same way. The unexplained computer powers of the webverse have decided to remove that burden from my shoulders. But by my dogs that love gravy … couldn’t they have asked first? 😀😂🤣😃😍 Hugs. Scottie

So for the third day …

As many of my readers will know I have been trying to move from my long time browser to something less invasive. I tried Firefox and took an entire day to move everything to there. That took forever. But I did not like the way it worked with the websites I like to visit.

While several wonderful readers told me of their browsers either used them or my security settings wouldn’t let them download. Lucky for me Barry, a frequent reader and commenter read of my struggles and suggest one I have not heard of before. I am trying it and so far like it. The issue will be the history. Will it save my open tabs so I can reopen them if the window closes. I did see and turned on auto sessions saving which is supposed to save and allow to be reopened another time. I hope it works. Hugs. Scottie

Some things changed

I don’t know if it is something I did or a change by WordPress but I can’t post the way I used to any more. As soon as I go to post an image by copy and paste, it wipes out classic and puts it in a block format. I I was writing something it removes it all. To add an image I have to first open a new block and then paste it or lose everything. I hate it. But it is happening in both Chrome and Firefox. If anyone else is having this issue please let me know. Thanks. Scottie

I think I seriously screwed up.

Due to my growing unease about how much data google collects from everyone who use their products including Chrome, which was my preferred browser, I spent the entire day transferring every open chrome tab I had to Firefox. Now that I try to use it to post I think that was a huge mistake. As I have the setting it is unusable. It wont even display tweets. Plus posting is a nightmare the way I do it when using Firefox. I may have to spend another day changing everything back as I don’t know if I can transfer tabs between computers as I use to with Chrome to clean one. It better be better when I start tomorrow or I am going back to big brother. Hugs. Scottie