41 tabs

It is 7:30, so it is after the agreement I made to stop blogging and do fun stuff I enjoy. Halo! Or watch a movie. Ron doesn’t care which, he just thinks nonstop from waking up around 4 am until I got to bed exhausted fighting the online news cycles is harmful to me. I just checked. I put 41 open tabs in the cue for tomorrow when I restart the computer. That is along with two other windows, one not important but the other is from one of the abuse survivor sites I belong to and has a lot of open tabs that I simply can not find it in my self to read and deal with. Those people wrote those to try to excise the same demons / feelings I have. I want to honor them by reading them, as I hope people read mine. But I can only handle so many, so much. Kids who were abused as I was never had a voice, now that we have found one I think people should listen. There are 19 open tabs of fellow child abuse survivors I have not been able to get my self to open yet. I will carry their stories forward to tomorrow when hopefully I will be able to read a few of their stories, their cries. Before shutting down on that and the new stories will join the cue for the next tomorrow. As will the daily news of atrocities of man towards man and the hate towards my kind, the LGBTQIA. Good night and hugs. For those that feel hugs uncomfortable and I understand that, you have my very best wishes. Scottie

It has been a very long hard day

Ron is still struggling with his leg. I told the pharmacy I would get my narcotics tomorrow instead of today, yes it is an issue in this state. More on that another time but I live in a state where right wing Christian part-time legislator bigots think they know more than pain doctors and pharmacist with training in the drugs and experience in the medical field. Their view is people in pain just need Jesus and to dedicate their lives to him rather than pain medications. I have over done today due to Ron still hobbling on his twisted knee.

After he got up from a three hour nap Ron made a beef burrito in spicy red sauce and several baked potatoes along with a thick red sauce gravy for them. Yes, I helped him, but the creation and the spices are all to his credit. Now I offered to help put it way, but he said he wanted to do it. Funny thing, each of us could only eat one burrito and one potato. Ron gave me two and himself two and I asked him to take one back, and after we ate he admitted he wished he had only taken one also. He had to put his second one back in the pan.

It is only 5 Pm but I am so tired I would go to bed now and be happy. But I have not played Halo in a few days. I am trying to decide if going to the work of pulling out the TV on that very heavy bracket and playing an hour or two would be better than just going to bed. Silly question. Halo won that debate without even trying. I will try to play. If I don’t work out, I will go to bed. I was up most of last night. So I really am tired out after all I did today.

Hugs, loves, best wishes. Scottie

With good news, it always seems to have some bad.

Ah, as the title says, with the good news comes the bad. I opened up all the old not gotten to stuff under the bell icon. I lost count at 72 and there were more so say … 80 something new open tabs in one window. The good news is I saved those ones. The bad news is the bell would only let me go back two days, and I know I had at least four days of not opening the bell. So if in a few days you find you did not get a reply to a comment you left and you want to make sure I have seen it or wish a reply, resend it. Thanks.

Now Ron is hobbling again, his torn up knee is healing slowly but he won’t stay off it, and before I realized it this morning while I was in the Playtime Pink Palace, he went into the second bathroom shower and scrubbed it down. Granted it has not had a serious cleaning since James left as it was the bathroom we left for him to use, still I would have done it. So in an attempt to keep him off his leg, I will be doing a lot of dishes in the kitchen. Lucky for me I can swing the video monitor around on the monitor arm, and put on a video, in this case The Majority Report. Be back in a few hours. Hugs. Scottie

Yes Yes Yes !!!!

After six weeks or maybe even two months I got all the open tabs, at last count 212, in six windows dealt with. Read, comments replied to, and those needed to be ignored closed. I was able to give the cleaning computer a complete cleaning that wipes all histories, cookies, trackers which every website and advertiser puts on even with no permissions or being told not to. I even was able to update 4 drivers I couldn’t do while the tabs needed to be kept forwarded and active.

Now sadly I need to go to the bell icon to again open the tabs for everything since Saturday I missed. I hope the delay as not let WordPress drop them off the list. Let the troubles begin again. Thanks to everyone that follows the blog, reads what I post, and comment on stuff. Loves, hugs to those that like them, best wishes to all. Scottie

Funny story in a grocery store

I had to take Ron to get his eye appointment as he would be dilated. On the way back to our home, we stopped at the Publix store just a mile or two down the road from us, and where we are well known. While checking out we were chatting with the cashier and the young woman bagging the groceries. I really like the Publix stores and their employees. Very friendly and helpful, and the people doing the bagging always ask if they can help me out to the car with the groceries. As we were leaving, the cashier asked if Ron and I were brothers or something, noting how well we got along and were often together. I looked back and said no, we are spouses and married. She beamed and was congratulating us, the young woman doing the bagging started clapping while also beaming. I knew some of the people working there knew we were a couple, I had already been asked before. Only one person struggled to understand it as he was new to the country, but the other staff rushed to explain it to him. Once he understood, he seemed OK with the idea, if still confused. I could tell from his very deep accent, he simply had not thought of two men being married. But back to today, as we stood there, I looked around. In the check-out aisle next to us, another cashier and bagging person were both smiling and nodding and most of the people in line did not seem bothered … except the woman in the front being checked out. She stared at Ron and me with a horrified, shocked look on her face. She looked like she had just smelt the worst sewer smell she had ever smelled and felt the poop running down her leg. I almost laughed as it was so over the top. Ron thankfully missed it and was saying goodbye to everyone as we started walking out.

But it stuck in my mind. Publix is known for being a semi religious company, they make it a priority to treat staff well, they have a strong pro LGBTQIA policy, they hire disabled workers a lot, more than any company I have seen. One of the bagging persons is a young man with only one hand and good arm. His other arm is smaller, thinner, and yet he can bag groceries with the best of them. Another is a very mentally challenged young adult who lives in our park, who has worked there since he was a teenager. One of the cashiers is an 84-year-old woman with oxygen they treat like a queen who is loved by all and lives to come to work. Which brings up another point, not all religious groups are automatically anti-LGBTQIA. Publix is not. They are very supportive of the LGBTQIA.

This woman with the horrified face is an example of what is happening more and more in Florida. Five to ten years ago there was only acceptance of Ron and me. Sometimes it was stumbling but very supportive. Now it is about 70-30 to if the response will be positive or aggressively negative. In January 2015 Ron and I went to the clerk of the court to get married, we were the first same-sex couple in Lee County. There was a slight delay in our ceremony, not because of anti-same sex marriage feelings though. All the clerks wanted to be the ones to marry us. When they told us what was going on that the entire office wanted to be involved, we invited them, all who wanted to come. The office took an unofficial break while we got married with the entire office staff in attendance. The package we paid for was a five-minute ceremony with a dozen pictures. It took nearly an hour and I have hundreds of pictures. So the Florida of then was very progressive. Sadly, that has changed.

I have grown my hair very long. While I clearly am not trans and don’t pretend to be, I get a lot of animosity for that, a lot of hostile looks. And also some very leering scary ones where someone is making it clear they think I am available to … rent. I am an out of shape, fat, 60 year old man, with a very large belly and walk with a cane! What kind of freak do you have to be to think I am a sex worker because I have very long hair. Either that or they are the most desperate involuntary celibates I have ever seen. But back to the story, I have over the last year faced push back when affirming that my spouse is Ron, a male, when filling out medical forms and in doctor’s offices. When at a new provider the MA was taking my information, and it came to emergency contact and family, I stated Ron and our relationship. She paused, then got up and left. After a few minutes a different MA came in and continued with no explanation of the change. But I knew. It is again becoming the 1990s again, and I feel too old to take on that same fight.

The great news is how happy everyone seemed at the store when I answered the question with “He is my spouse, we are married”. The bad is at least one person was openly horrified like I would gay her right there, how would she explain that to her family and hate preacher. The bad news is DeathSantis and his people have made Florida a lot less accepting to those not white fundamentalist Christian nationalist cis straight people. When do the lynchings restart? Hugs

I am going to bed, no Halo

Hello Wonderful people. I just put another 48 open tabs in Chrome, so I can shut everything down and go to bed. By doing that in the morning when I open Chrome I can open the many saved windows of many open tabs. The reason, well today despite my best efforts Ron and I kept doing things keeping me from the computers and getting up in the morning at 3 am to work on some open tabs, I crashed in the late morning. I couldn’t stay awake. Then Ron really got on my case for damaging my somewhat fragile health trying to stay awake and deal with open tabs. I let him browbeat me into the bedroom, where I lay down and fell asleep for 4 hours. So I saved what I could, had a really great day over all. But this window joins the other five of many open tabs I have to find a way to get to. Some of them are getting to be about 6 weeks old. Hugs, loves and everyone have a grand night. Scottie

Everything, every bone, every muscle in my body hurts! But Ron made a grand supper

I just filled up this window with the tabs from sites / comments that I want to answer. I have the video monitor going on a YouTube channel I like, and I want to start answering reading the many tabs, but Ron just had me take my blood sugar for supper. I am proud to say that even with the steroids my diet control kept my BS to 119. It is not easy, I am so hungry and want to eat, and yes during these periods I crave sweet stuff.

Dogs that love gravy, Ron just brought to me a huge roast beef sandwich covered deeply with brown gravy. He then returned with a plate of french fries and a bowl of more gravy. To say that I won’t be able to eat all this is an understatement. But the sad thing is this was one of my most favorite meals, that in the old days I would have devoured all of it and asked for more.

However my wonderful love who created that meal reminded me of our agreement for my mental health. After I eat supper at night or if I don’t eat, which is often, at 7 pm my blogging / computer time is over. At that time I either go to bed or turn to my X-boxes and play a game to get me ready for bed. That agreement was made because I was getting far too upset at night and being unable or unwilling to go to bed. It is a good compromise with the man I get to sleep with and who feeds me such great meals.

So while I just opened another 23 tabs so I won’t lose them, I will close the computers down. I doubt I will play Halo … oh who am I kidding, yes I will try as I love it, and then go to bed. Loves and hugs to all. Scottie

I am struggling today / tonight.

I should have gone to bed long before now. It is 8:04 pm, and I was doing so well most of the day. Today was the first day all week my mind was clear. I did 2 hours of dishes and took extra medications to handle it. I had to take my medications early to be able to do that.

Ron and I talked about what to have for supper after he had me help him rehang the door in my office, which is temporary until Ron buy’s the new door for the Playtime Pink Palace. Ron had gone for a nap while I was OK, but when he got up, I was fading. So he rushed out to get the stuff needed to make a bake Ziti and a lasagna made with the sauce I made yesterday. Again I made a great red tomato sauce. This a greatly compressed timeline.

When Ron got home from buying the stuff needed, I was not interested in eating, I really just wanted to go to bed. But Ron talked me into playing Halo on my Xbox while he cooked. I soon realized I was failing at that. Normally I do great with Halo, but tonight I was killed as soon as I started. I went back to the computer, but couldn’t function at that either.

Ron has made supper but as good as it is I just can not enjoy eating. I will eat what he gave me, first because I took insulin already and second … well we share a bed. Everything else tonight is gone. Loves, hugs, best wishes. Scottie

What a week so far and I am still reeling

Son of a bitch! I am so drifting I wrote an entire fucking post and at the end lost it. I will try to resurrect it. I cannot believe after two hours of work, I lost it all. But that is how foggy and tired I am.

But I went to bed instead.

I am trying to finish writing this Thursday morning at 5 am. I have allergy shots at 10:10 am.

So Sunday night I couldn’t sleep. I woke about 1 and tried to sleep but about 2:30 I got up. Typical Monday morning, but I got a lot done. Then I had a 9 AM appointment with the pain clinic and I got some steroid shots. I think they were eight in total. At home I tried to do the dishes, but my back was wrecked so I took more medications. That gets important later. That night after needing extra medications all day I was tired and not fully functioning. But I stayed up later than normal for me. Sadly when I went to bed I was unable to sleep, so after four hours of tossing and turning I got up.

Now it is Tuesday morning and I have not slept since 1 AM Monday morning. Plus I am groggy from needing extra morphine and baclofen. Add to that I have very high blood sugar even trying very hard not to eat carbs because of the steroids, along with the steroids pushing me to be aggressive. So I was not my really sweet normal self and barely tracking. By Tuesday afternoon, I was so punchy I was not making sense on anything. I was trying to talk to Ron about politics and was so disjointed I sounded like I had been drinking or something. I was listening to a podcast earlier that mentioned an interview that Biden did with Jack Hardwick that only got 117,000 views, but was super informative of what Biden was doing for the country. Then I read on Jill’s blog about Jill and Annie talking about posting snippets of what I thought was the same interview. I was so out of it I couldn’t understand two different events. Ron convinced me they were and informed me I really needed to go lay down for a while. I did. No sense fighting with Ron when he is right and in that mindset.

But it was in vain. I slept from 7 PM to 9 PM and was awake all through the night. I again got up about 2:30 frustrated as possible. I started to watch videos and read news articles. I did some postings. We got some great news in the morning when the roofing company called saying they were ready to put the new very expensive metal over roof on. They will start on the 11th. It is a very well constructed roof that goes over the existing structure already there, molded to include gutters, with a lifetime warranty. We are getting some skylights added and moving some vents.

Ron decided to put up my dry erase whiteboard in the Playtime Pink Palace even with my not tracking correctly and being so groggy. We are mounting it on the wall, as I don’t have room in here for the stand. It was slated for the west wall over the computers but I realized it would be hard to write on there. Then I also realized that I have that big open spot where the door swings back to. It has no shelves as it would prevent the door opening all the way. But the whiteboard is thin, so it won’t bother that. But that is the only wall that Ron has not removed or rebuilt in the years we have been here so the studs are not right. Ron fixed that with a small cleat that is hardly noticeable. I love it. Below are some pictures. Hugs

Here is the wall that the white board was slated for.

Here is the whiteboard put up. I was too punchy from days with no sleep, I forgot to get a picture of the wall first. The door is off because Ron is going to use that between the new living room that used to be my office before the hurricane tore the roof off the room, and it was slated to be James new room when the inner roof was put on. James moved out, I got his old room, Ron gets a new living room, and the house gets a new dinning room where the living room is now. Since the door that was on this room had lots of window panes and I don’t need that, Ron is getting a cheaper solid core interior door for me, and using the other door for the new living room. Below are three pictures of the whiteboard on the wall.

Interruptions

What a day! All day, interruption after interruption. I keep trying to finish what I left from yesterday, but either Ron needed me or there was a crisis here and then there. I did not even take a nap or break for lunch. I just got Ron ensconced in his recliner with a pillow under his leg. His knee is still bothering him, but instead of taking a week off to rest it, he tried all morning to work on getting the white board up in the pink palace. But all he was doing was aggravating his knee and hobbling more and more again. I have been there, I understand the need to do stuff and yet being betrayed by your body. But I also know that the injury / body part won’t heal if you insist on using it. So now to the blogs. For supper we are having soup and sandwiches, I picked tomato soup. Ron wants grill cheesed, but I may have to make them as he really can not stand well. I would be happy with regular subs on hoagie rolls and sliced meats. Hugs. Scottie