Category: Scotties Rants / Blog Information

I am worn completely out and my day is not done.

Right from the start my day has been on my feet with little pauses.  During those pauses, I quickly posted a few things I felt important.   I got up at 3:30 am.  I feed the cats, did all that stuff, handled a few things on the computers.  Ron got up and informed me he had two appointments he failed to put into the calendar, one a doctor’s appointment and the other a Zoom meeting I needed to set my computer system up for.  Ok, I got a quick shower and started doing the dishes from last night, kept dealing with cats.  Then Ron left for his appointment and called me from the grocery store he stopped at on the way home.  He had forgotten to take the cane he uses, and he was struggling to walk.   I asked if he needed me to come get him.  Nope.

When he got home, I had already set up the computer system, just needed him to sit and do a sound check.  But when he pulled in to the driveway, he couldn’t walk, so I got his cane and helped him inside.   Then I brought the few groceries in.  I put them away.    I got him settled in my Pink Palace and ready for the Zoom meeting with family and his brother in the nursing home.  

As he did that, I started a red spaghetti sauce for supper.  After his meeting He came out and I got him some lunch.  I was struggling my self by now so I took even more medications.  After he ate he went to bed, I finished making the sauce and got my own lunch.  

After eating a great meal of Chicken Supreme with egg noodles and lots of the gravy, I took the remainder out of the large baking dish and put it into smaller containers, then washed all my dishes, his dishes, and the stuff I used to cook the meal.  I then got stuff ready for Ron, who wants to make meatballs for the sauce.

I am beat, I am done.  At this point, I don’t even care if we eat tonight.  I have clenched my teeth so much my own teeth and jaw aches.  My back won’t hold me well, my legs hurt and are so shaky.  I have four open windows with many tabs, I did not answer any comments or read any other people’s blogs.  I keep having pain shocks and muscle spasms, and I am afraid Ron is going to want me to help him more when he gets up.  I have 10 minutes left of The Majority Report with Sam Seder and Emma Vigeland.  Then I will shut the computers down and go to playing Halo.  If you don’t hear from me tonight or you had something you needed a response to, I hope I can get to it tomorrow, but for today I have reached the end of Scotties rope.  I know that has happened a lot lately, but the fact is with Ron hurting himself and us not having access to needed healthcare, and being rather lowering income, hell just say it we are poor now, things are much more demanding on me at this time in my life than ever before it seems.   Plus I also am old, disabled, in bad health, and today very tired.   Hugs, loves, Best wishes.   Scottie

I reached the end

After days of doing everything I could around the house because Ron was laid up, after struggling to lift the cat on the counter and hold him, then lifting him again to my desk.  I just found out something.  

Yes my pain and struggle to move has been bad since we got up at 3 am, but when I got up to put Odie down I couldn’t stand.  I had to call Ron to pick Odie up from the desk and put him down, Odie struggled against him because of course he would.  Then Ron went to my cane holder and got one of my canes.  I can not stand or walk.  Ron is thinking I will need my walker at this point.  So that is how it is going to be for me for a few days.  I will try to take more medications and let them work, but pain medications don’t heal the body or fix the issue, they cover it so you can ignore it.  That is the real danger of pain medications for most of us, it is not over dosing, it is using it to ignore smart and safe practices to keep pushing your body past the point it can take.  Anyway back to videos and reading, commenting, and blogging.  Hugs, Scottie

It is 2 pm and I am stressed.

Hi all.  I know I have 4 open windows with so many open tabs of comments and stories on blogs to get to.  But please remember I woke at 3 and was informed by my love of going on 34 years that he was in pain and worried he couldn’t breathe, and maybe in trouble.  Forget coffee, that is an instant wake-up signal.  I already told you all about that.  

So about 10:30 the pharmacy tells up the penicillin prescription was ready. Yes the other was delayed, but I did not care Ron needed that antibiotic and pain relievers, … well we have those in the house right.  

I went to the pharmacy and they were already busy as they always are.  I respect these people so much, they are often understaffed and always over worked.  As I stood in the line, the lady at the desk wanted the pharmacy clerk to do something impossible for them to do, as he patiently explained to her.  Finally she left.  I stepped up.

As I asked him how he was doing and said he should just take a few moments to breathe, he recognized me.  His facial expression and demander changed.  He smiled broadly and took a breath.  Then told me he was OK and that it had just been a hard morning.  By my dogs that love gravy it was about 10:45 and they only opened at 9.  But I have stood in line and seen the abuse heaped on them.  I understood.  

Side note.   I called in one day as it was the day to fill my morphine and the state of Florida on the war of opioid addictions made safe drugs like morphine so hard to get as they made it a top tier drug for restrictions.  So for a simply well known drug given out to World War 2 soldiers, they treat it like heroin or other illegal substances.  I personally think that is because it is so inexpensive compared to newer medications, and big pharma doesn’t like that.  

So I was talking to Daniel and explained I was there to pick up Ron’s new antibiotic penicillin prescription because at 4 am I was in the ER with him.  The Pharmacist heard that and stopped what he was doing and came over to ask me if Ron was ok and what happened.  I explained it.  Then Daniel showed the pharmacist that the doctor had also ordered a pin medication that had yet to be filled, it had been pushed back in their Que to much later.  I jumped to say that was OK, I would come back but Ron really need the other medications, at which point the pharmacist told me he would fill it right then.  I said I did not want him to go to extra trouble, at which point he looked me right in the eyes and said “Scottie for you it is no trouble, give me a minute and I will get it ready”.   Wow, treating people nice really works out.  I moved over and sat in one of the waiting area seats but in about one minute the pharmacist came back with both prescriptions.   

We chatted, I told them how I appreciated them and said I wished I could do more for them, and they all were happy.  But as I turned around to leave, the older woman next inline did something unexpected.  I had thought she would have been upset about my taking their time to talk.  But instead she said to me as she stepped up to the window. “Your kindness to them means far more than you can know.  I do, as I was once on the other side of that counter and you gave them a great gift.”

Wow, what to say.  I am just an old poor crippled man trying to navigate life.  I nodded to her, not sure if I even said anything as she passed me to the counter.  On my way out at the front check out was a tall large woman.   She had a unique and rather colorful tattoo from her chin down to her chest, which the bottom showed a beautiful butterfly.  No one was in her line, and I couldn’t resist complementing her on it.  It is my way.  

I stopped and we got talking.  I told her I loved the butterfly at the bottom and how beautiful it was.  As we talked, I suddenly realized she went from a bored hello thank you for shopping to an open happy explanation to the complicated tattoo.     I said I could see the wonderful butterfly, but I did not understand the rest of the large tattoo.  She explained the symbolism and all the aspects.  I asked if it was painful, to which she said yes.  I told her she was braver than me.  Then I noticed her finger nails.  They were long bright white with tassels and other objects embedded in them and hanging off of her fingers.  Each one was a different spiritual symbol.  I was delighted and we talked for another five minutes about them, with me being very appreciative of the work and her ability to use them in daily life.  

As I was walking out, I turned and looked back.  That lady that seemed so bored and down cast when I first started near her now shined, her head was up and … how do I describe it … well she radiated a light and happiness around her.  I am not a person to believe in woo and the supernatural like my spouse does.  But I sure do believe in emotions and in people.  You treat them bad in public, that changes them and it affects the rest of their day.  You treat someone meanly and they will react that way for a while to others, it is simply how humans are built, when we are unhappy we pass it on.   But by the same measure if we are happy we also pass that on.  

I really loved that woman’s tattoo and her finger nails.  I can not imagine the pain and discipline to let someone around your throat that way with my background.  And the work and patience it must have taken for those fingernails is incredible.  And all so people like me could enjoy them.  Seriously, she wouldn’t have gone through all that if she did not want people to see them.  Anyway, those that can not see the beauty in those things I have little time for.  

Which leads me to the reason I am writing this long post on a normal part of my day.  Something I am sure others do all the time.  It is because I have 4 open windows with so many open tabs of posts, comments, and other things I really want to get to.  But after watching four videos of the Israeli bombing of a captive public in Gaza, I really feel for my own health I need to leave the computers / internet news and instead move my TV out and play Halo.   Really sorry but today my mental health won’t let me work on the open tabs, the comments, the stories, the other things.   And the fear of needing to take my aging 68-year-old lover of 34 years to the ER is still resonating in side me.  I just need a break, something to get away from it all.  It took me so long to do the dishes because he kept offering to help, but he can hardly stand.  

If this is the last post I do today, loves and hugs, and lots of respect and best wishes for all.  I am off to pretend land where I am the Master Chief fighting the forces of evil that want to kill all humans and make the universe bad. In that universe I can stop them and make things better.    Hugs, best wishes.  Scottie

Got home at 7 am

Tried to write this three times from the ER.   My old tablet simply wouldn’t let me log in to my blog.  My phone would, but each time I finished typing I would try to set the categories and lost it all three times.  So my morning.

I did not get much sleep but that is OK, I did not expect to the day after steroid shots.  I woke at 3 am, rolled over to see Ron was laying there awake.  I moved to snuggle, and he said he was in trouble.  I asked him what was going on, thinking his leg he twisted several weeks ago was acting up from the four hours or more of going shopping at only three stores yesterday morning.  Spent over 400 dollars on groceries, but we hit good sales on large packages of meats that Ron could split up and wrap, then put in the large freezer.  We will have thick pork chops, pork strips, steaks, ham steaks, different kinds of chicken, ribs, hamburg, and a lot of other meat I can not remember.  But Ron couldn’t walk by the time we headed home and I had to help in the house while I carried the bags in with my damaged shoulders I just Thursday had steroid shots in, my back, and my legs.  But I had made sure the bags were light enough, except the freezer insulated bags Ron shoved all the meats packages in.   Those were single two handed carrying while walking slowly.  Couldn’t use my cane with both hands full.  

But that was not his main problem.  A couple of years before Ron retired and while we had dental insurance Ron’s dentist retired.  I was having a lot of dental work done with the idea of having it finished before he retired.  But he had to retire a year early.  But Ron refused to see my dentist or get another.  Recently he broke a tooth and still wouldn’t see a dentist.  On and off it has been bothering him, he doesn’t eat hard food much, and used a lot of tooth pain stuff.  

This morning at 3 am he told me he couldn’t swallow and his mouth, gums, and teeth were really hurting bad.  He was sure he had an infected mouth.  First he said he wanted to go to convenient care.  We got up, I started the coffee and fed the outside cats, Tupac came in for the morning.  Ron called the closest ER, which was the Cape Coral hospital, and asked if convenient care was open and would handle his need.  They told him no, he would have to come to the ER.  So at 4 am we pulled into the ER parking lot.  We were the only people in the waiting room, and Ron got triaged right away.  After about 30 minutes, Ron and I were taken to an exam room.  After the nurse checked him in for both his infected mouth and his twisted leg we had a short wait until the doctor came in.  He looked at Ron’s mouth saying it was very inflamed and infected, and then looked at Ron’s leg.  He said he did not think Ron had anything broken but the leg was swollen.   He ordered X-rays, and a prescription for antibiotics such as penicillin.  We waited for the portable X-ray person.  Soon she arrived and took the X-ray, so then we waited for the doctor to read it and come back.  The doctor said it was not broken but as he suspected there was soft tissue damage.  He recommended a dentist and an orthopedic doctor check.  He left and we waited for the nurse.  She came in with pills for Ron and his discharge orders, along with a couple pages of dentist places for low income people along with regular dentist offices and the same with orthopedic doctors.  We left with Ron hobbling out using one of my canes.  We arrived home at 7 am.  

I helped Ron into bed, made a new pot of coffee and sat to type this.  Ron’s stubborn refusal to do what is needed is seriously affecting our money situation.  I have tried to address that with him, but as he has aged he has gotten more anxieties and more reluctant to take care of things that need doing.   Especially about his healthcare.  But now I am going to get something to eat.  Hugs.  Scottie  

41 tabs

It is 7:30, so it is after the agreement I made to stop blogging and do fun stuff I enjoy.  Halo!  Or watch a movie.  Ron doesn’t care which, he just thinks nonstop from waking up around 4 am until I got to bed exhausted fighting the online news cycles is harmful to me.  I just checked.  I put 41 open tabs in the cue for tomorrow when I restart the computer.  That is along with two other windows, one not important but the other is from one of the abuse survivor sites I belong to and has a lot of open tabs that I simply can not find it in my self to read and deal with.   Those people wrote those to try to excise the same demons / feelings I have.   I want to honor them by reading them, as I hope people read mine.   But I can only handle so many, so much.  Kids who were abused as I was never had a voice, now that we have found one I think people should listen.  There are 19 open tabs of fellow child abuse survivors I have not been able to get my self to open yet.  I will carry their stories forward to tomorrow when hopefully I will be able to read a few of their stories, their cries.  Before shutting down on that and the new stories will join the cue for the next tomorrow.   As will the daily news of atrocities of man towards man and the hate towards my kind, the LGBTQIA.  Good night and hugs.  For those that feel hugs uncomfortable and I understand that, you have my very best wishes.    Scottie

It has been a very long hard day

Ron is still struggling with his leg.  I told the pharmacy I would get my narcotics tomorrow instead of today, yes it is an issue in this state.  More on that another time but I live in a state where right wing Christian part-time legislator bigots think they know more than pain doctors and pharmacist with training in the drugs and experience in the medical field.  Their view is people in pain just need Jesus and to dedicate their lives to him rather than pain medications.   I have over done today due to Ron still hobbling on his twisted knee.

After he got up from a three hour nap Ron made a beef burrito in spicy red sauce and several baked potatoes along with a thick red sauce gravy for them.  Yes, I helped him, but the creation and the spices are all to his credit.  Now I offered to help put it way, but he said he wanted to do it.  Funny thing, each of us could only eat one burrito and one potato.  Ron gave me two and himself two and I asked him to take one back, and after we ate he admitted he wished he had only taken one also.  He had to put his second one back in the pan.  

It is only 5 Pm but I am so tired I would go to bed now and be happy.  But I have not played Halo in a few days.  I am trying to decide if going to the work of pulling out the TV on that very heavy bracket and playing an hour or two would be better than just going to bed.  Silly question.  Halo won that debate without even trying.   I will try to play.  If I don’t work out, I will go to bed.  I was up most of last night.  So I really am tired out after all I did today.

Hugs, loves, best wishes.   Scottie

With good news, it always seems to have some bad.

Ah, as the title says, with the good news comes the bad.   I opened up all the old not gotten to stuff under the bell icon.   I lost count at 72 and there were more so say … 80 something new open tabs in one window.  The good news is I saved those ones.  The bad news is the bell would only let me go back two days, and I know I had at least four days of not opening the bell.   So if in a few days you find you did not get a reply to a comment you left and you want to make sure I have seen it or wish a reply, resend it.   Thanks. 

Now Ron is hobbling again, his torn up knee is healing slowly but he won’t stay off it, and before I realized it this morning while I was in the Playtime Pink Palace, he went into the second bathroom shower and scrubbed it down.   Granted it has not had a serious cleaning since James left as it was the bathroom we left for him to use, still I would have done it.   So in an attempt to keep him off his leg, I will be doing a lot of dishes in the kitchen.  Lucky for me I can swing the video monitor around on the monitor arm, and put on a video, in this case The Majority Report.   Be back in a few hours.   Hugs.  Scottie

Yes Yes Yes !!!!

After six weeks or maybe even two months I got all the open tabs, at last count 212, in six windows dealt with.  Read, comments replied to, and those needed to be ignored closed.  I was able to give the cleaning computer a complete cleaning that wipes all histories, cookies, trackers which every website and advertiser puts on even with no permissions or being told not to. I even was able to update 4 drivers I couldn’t do while the tabs needed to be kept forwarded and active.

  Now sadly I need to go to the bell icon to again open the tabs for everything since Saturday I missed.   I hope the delay as not let WordPress drop them off the list.    Let the troubles begin again.   Thanks to everyone that follows the blog, reads what I post, and comment on stuff.   Loves, hugs to those that like them, best wishes to all.   Scottie

Funny story in a grocery store

I had to take Ron to get his eye appointment as he would be dilated.  On the way back to our home, we stopped at the Publix store just a mile or two down the road from us, and where we are well known.  While checking out we were chatting with the cashier and the young woman bagging the groceries.  I really like the Publix stores and their employees.   Very friendly and helpful, and the people doing the bagging always ask if they can help me out to the car with the groceries.  As we were leaving, the cashier asked if Ron and I were brothers or something, noting how well we got along and were often together.   I looked back and said no, we are spouses and married.  She beamed and was congratulating us, the young woman doing the bagging started clapping while also beaming.   I knew some of the people working there knew we were a couple, I had already been asked before.   Only one person struggled to understand it as he was new to the country, but the other staff rushed to explain it to him.  Once he understood, he seemed OK with the idea, if still confused.  I could tell from his very deep accent, he simply had not thought of two men being married.  But back to today, as we stood there, I looked around.  In the check-out aisle next to us, another cashier and bagging person were both smiling and nodding and most of the people in line did not seem bothered … except the woman in the front being checked out.  She stared at Ron and me with a horrified, shocked look on her face.  She looked like she had just smelt the worst sewer smell she had ever smelled and felt the poop running down her leg.  I almost laughed as it was so over the top.  Ron thankfully missed it and was saying goodbye to everyone as we started walking out. 

But it stuck in my mind.  Publix is known for being a semi religious company, they make it a priority to treat staff well, they have a strong pro LGBTQIA policy, they hire disabled workers a lot, more than any company I have seen.  One of the bagging persons is a young man with only one hand and good arm.  His other arm is smaller, thinner, and yet he can bag groceries with the best of them.  Another is a very mentally challenged young adult who lives in our park, who has worked there since he was a teenager.  One of the cashiers is an 84-year-old woman with oxygen they treat like a queen who is loved by all and lives to come to work.  Which brings up another point, not all religious groups are automatically anti-LGBTQIA.   Publix is not.  They are very supportive of the LGBTQIA.  

This woman with the horrified face is an example of what is happening more and more in Florida.  Five to ten years ago there was only acceptance of Ron and me.  Sometimes it was stumbling but very supportive.  Now it is about 70-30 to if the response will be positive or aggressively negative.   In January 2015 Ron and I went to the clerk of the court to get married, we were the first same-sex couple in Lee County.  There was a slight delay in our ceremony, not because of anti-same sex marriage feelings though.  All the clerks wanted to be the ones to marry us.  When they told us what was going on that the entire office wanted to be involved, we invited them, all who wanted to come.  The office took an unofficial break while we got married with the entire office staff in attendance.  The package we paid for was a five-minute ceremony with a dozen pictures.  It took nearly an hour and I have hundreds of pictures.  So the Florida of then was very progressive.   Sadly, that has changed.

I have grown my hair very long.   While I clearly am not trans and don’t pretend to be, I get a lot of animosity for that, a lot of hostile looks.   And also some very leering scary ones where someone is making it clear they think I am available to … rent.  I am an out of shape, fat, 60 year old man, with a very large belly and walk with a cane!  What kind of freak do you have to be to think I am a sex worker because I have very long hair.    Either that or they are the most desperate involuntary celibates I have ever seen.  But back to the story, I have over the last year faced push back when affirming that my spouse is Ron, a male, when filling out medical forms and in doctor’s offices.  When at a new provider the MA was taking my information, and it came to emergency contact and family, I stated Ron and our relationship.  She paused, then got up and left.  After a few minutes a different MA came in and continued with no explanation of the change.  But I knew.  It is again becoming the 1990s again, and I feel too old to take on that same fight. 

The great news is how happy everyone seemed at the store when I answered the question with “He is my spouse, we are married”.  The bad is at least one person was openly horrified like I would gay her right there, how would she explain that to her family and hate preacher.  The bad news is DeathSantis and his people have made Florida a lot less accepting to those not white fundamentalist Christian nationalist cis straight people.   When do the lynchings restart?   Hugs

   

I am going to bed, no Halo

Hello Wonderful people.  I just put another 48 open tabs in Chrome, so I can shut everything down and go to bed.  By doing that in the morning when I open Chrome I can open the many saved windows of many open tabs.   The reason, well today despite my best efforts Ron and I kept doing things keeping me from the computers and getting up in the morning at 3 am to work on some open tabs, I crashed in the late morning.   I couldn’t stay awake.  Then Ron really got on my case for damaging my somewhat fragile health trying to stay awake and deal with open tabs.  I let him browbeat me into the bedroom, where I lay down and fell asleep for 4 hours.  So I saved what I could, had a really great day over all.  But this window joins the other five of many open tabs I have to find a way to get to.   Some of them are getting to be about 6 weeks old.   Hugs, loves and everyone have a grand night.   Scottie