Everything, every bone, every muscle in my body hurts! But Ron made a grand supper

I just filled up this window with the tabs from sites / comments that I want to answer. I have the video monitor going on a YouTube channel I like, and I want to start answering reading the many tabs, but Ron just had me take my blood sugar for supper.  I am proud to say that even with the steroids my diet control kept my BS to 119.   It is not easy, I am so hungry and want to eat, and yes during these periods I crave sweet stuff.  

Dogs that love gravy, Ron just brought to me a huge roast beef sandwich covered deeply with brown gravy.  He then returned with a plate of french fries and a bowl of more gravy.  To say that I won’t be able to eat all this is an understatement.  But the sad thing is this was one of my most favorite meals, that in the old days I would have devoured all of it and asked for more.

However my wonderful love who created that meal reminded me of our agreement for my mental health.  After I eat supper at night or if I don’t eat, which is often, at 7 pm my blogging / computer time is over.   At that time I either go to bed or turn to my X-boxes and play a game to get me ready for bed.  That agreement was made because I was getting far too upset at night and being unable or unwilling to go to bed.  It is a good compromise with the man I get to sleep with and who feeds me such great meals.   

So while I just opened another 23 tabs so I won’t lose them, I will close the computers down.  I doubt I will play Halo … oh who am I kidding, yes I will try as I love it, and then go to bed.  Loves and hugs to all.   Scottie

I am struggling today / tonight.

I should have gone to bed long before now.   It is 8:04 pm, and I was doing so well most of the day.  Today was the first day all week my mind was clear.  I did 2 hours of dishes and took extra medications to handle it.  I had to take my medications early to be able to do that. 

Ron and I talked about what to have for supper after he had me help him rehang the door in my office, which is temporary until Ron buy’s the new door for the Playtime Pink Palace.  Ron had gone for a nap while I was OK, but when he got up, I was fading.  So he rushed out to get the stuff needed to make a bake Ziti and a lasagna made with the sauce I made yesterday.  Again I made a great red tomato sauce.  This a greatly compressed timeline.

When Ron got home from buying the stuff needed, I was not interested in eating, I really just wanted to go to bed.  But Ron talked me into playing Halo on my Xbox while he cooked.  I soon realized I was failing at that.  Normally I do great with Halo, but tonight I was killed as soon as I started.   I went back to the computer, but couldn’t function at that either.

Ron has made supper but as good as it is I just can not enjoy eating.  I will eat what he gave me, first because I took insulin already and second … well we share a bed.  Everything else tonight is gone.  Loves, hugs, best wishes.  Scottie

What a week so far and I am still reeling

Son of a bitch!  I am so drifting I wrote an entire fucking post and at the end lost it.  I will try to resurrect it.  I cannot believe after two hours of work, I lost it all.   But that is how foggy and tired I am.   

But I went to bed instead.  


I am trying to finish writing this Thursday morning at 5 am.   I have allergy shots at 10:10 am.

So Sunday night I couldn’t sleep.  I woke about 1 and tried to sleep but about 2:30 I got up.  Typical Monday morning, but I got a lot done.  Then I had a 9 AM appointment with the pain clinic and I got some steroid shots.   I think they were eight in total.   At home I tried to do the dishes, but my back was wrecked so I took more medications.   That gets important later.  That night after needing extra medications all day I was tired and not fully functioning.  But I stayed up later than normal for me.   Sadly when I went to bed I was unable to sleep, so after four hours of tossing and turning I got up. 

Now it is Tuesday morning and I have not slept since 1 AM Monday morning.   Plus I am groggy from needing extra morphine and baclofen.  Add to that I have very high blood sugar even trying very hard not to eat carbs because of the steroids, along with the steroids pushing me to be aggressive.   So I was not my really sweet normal self and barely tracking.   By Tuesday afternoon, I was so punchy I was not making sense on anything.  I was trying to talk to Ron about politics and was so disjointed I sounded like I had been drinking or something.  I was listening to a podcast earlier that mentioned an interview that Biden did with Jack Hardwick that only got 117,000 views, but was super informative of what Biden was doing for the country.  Then I read on Jill’s blog about Jill and Annie talking about posting snippets of what I thought was the same interview.  I was so out of it I couldn’t understand two different events.  Ron convinced me they were and informed me I really needed to go lay down for a while.   I did.  No sense fighting with Ron when he is right and in that mindset.   

But it was in vain.  I slept from 7 PM to 9 PM and was awake all through the night.  I again got up about 2:30 frustrated as possible.   I started to watch videos and read news articles.  I did some postings.  We got some great news in the morning when the roofing company called saying they were ready to put the new very expensive metal over roof on.  They will start on the 11th.  It is a very well constructed roof that goes over the existing structure already there, molded to include gutters, with a lifetime warranty.  We are getting some skylights added and moving some vents.  

Ron decided to put up my dry erase whiteboard in the Playtime Pink Palace even with my not tracking correctly and being so groggy.  We are mounting it on the wall, as I don’t have room in here for the stand.  It was slated for the west wall over the computers but I realized it would be hard to write on there.  Then I also realized that I have that big open spot where the door swings back to.  It has no shelves as it would prevent the door opening all the way.  But the whiteboard is thin, so it won’t bother that.  But that is the only wall that Ron has not removed or rebuilt in the years we have been here so the studs are not right.  Ron fixed that with a small cleat that is hardly noticeable.  I love it.  Below are some pictures.  Hugs

Here is the wall that the white board was slated for.  

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Here is the whiteboard put up.  I was too punchy from days with no sleep, I forgot to get a picture of the wall first.  The door is off because Ron is going to use that between the new living room that used to be my office before the hurricane tore the roof off the room, and it was slated to be James new room when the inner roof was put on.  James moved out, I got his old room, Ron gets a new living room, and the house gets a new dinning room where the living room is now.  Since the door that was on this room had lots of window panes and I don’t need that, Ron is getting a cheaper solid core interior door for me, and using the other door for the new living room.  Below are three pictures of the whiteboard on the wall.   

IMG_0557IMG_0555IMG_0554

Interruptions

What a day!  All day, interruption after interruption.  I keep trying to finish what I left from yesterday, but either Ron needed me or there was a crisis here and then there.  I did not even take a nap or break for lunch.  I just got Ron ensconced in his recliner with a pillow under his leg.  His knee is still bothering him, but instead of taking a week off to rest it, he tried all morning to work on getting the white board up in the pink palace.  But all he was doing was aggravating his knee and hobbling more and more again.  I have been there, I understand the need to do stuff and yet being betrayed by your body.  But I also know that the injury / body part won’t heal if you insist on using it.  So now to the blogs.   For supper we are having soup and sandwiches, I picked tomato soup.  Ron wants grill cheesed, but I may have to make them as he really can not stand well.   I would be happy with regular subs on hoagie rolls and sliced meats.    Hugs.  Scottie

Lately I have had several scary Hypoglycemia episodes

My endocrinologist switched me from Janumet, a diabetic medication that got too expensive, to metformin which is basically the same drug without the new part that lets the drug company charge way more.  I take one in the morning and one at night.  This change plus my eating less these days has for the last several months caused my blood sugar to go too low.  This week it has happened three times.  Normally in the morning, because at night I normally take 25 units of long acting Lantus insulin.  During the day I take a fast acting insulin with meals.  That I adjust on a sliding scale, and my last prescription lasted almost a year instead of three months because I am keeping my blood sugar low by cutting out sweets and sugary breakfasts.  And again I eat a lot less, and a lot more salads. 

The reason I had to go on to insulin was my blood sugar was high when it was being taken care of by my primary care who seemed clueless about diabetes.  Plus I was not serious about my diet and ate too much.  When I started seeing the endocrinologist as soon as I told him I take steroid injections every few months, he informed me that pills won’t work against steroids, that takes insulin itself.  And for the first week after getting the injections I have very high blood sugars, but not as high as they used to go.  In the past I had 300 and 400 blood sugars.  My doctor wants it no higher than 178 and no lower than 80.  Now that first week I am in the 170 or 180s normally.  

Now to the low blood sugars.  For over a week I have not had to take any fast acting insulin or only 2 units.  I eat and before the next meal check my blood sugar again and it is still low.  Yesterday I did not have lunch, which is normal.  I prefer to eat mid-morning and late afternoon.  But before supper I got really shaky so I checked my blood sugar and it was below 80.  I was going to have some chips, but Ron had my salad ready and was working on the burgers.  I decided to have the salad.  It tasted good, I used a mixture of Ranch and Red Wine Vinaigrette.  I recently learned it was almost like Creamy Caesar.   It was a medium size salad, and was not taking me long to eat it, and as I got near the end I went into Hypoglycemia .

Some of the symptoms of low blood sugar are below.  There is one I did not see but happens to me, I get very tired and sleepy.  I am unable to stay awake and will pass out.  

How you react to low blood sugar may not be the same as how someone else with low blood sugar reacts. It’s important to know your signs. Common symptoms may include:

  • Fast heartbeat
  • Shaking
  • Sweating
  • Nervousness or anxiety
  • Irritability or confusion
  • Dizziness
  • Hunger

As I was near the end of my salad, I got the above, except I was not irritable but was very confused.  I struggled to my feet, I knew I had to get to my bed right away.  As I left the Playtime Pink Palace, I said to Ron I was going to lay down for a while, maybe a half hour.  He saw I was diaphoretic, but did not realize it was so bad.   I got to the bed, struggled up on it (we have a storage bed with a very thick / large Purple mattress.  Between the height of the bed plus mattress, it is 35 inches high.  It comes up to my hip bone.  I normally have no difficulty getting in but Ron is short and he uses a single step stool to get into bed.)  I slept for hours, waking about 9:30 pm.  I remember Ron coming in once to ask if I was OK, but I don’t remember what I said.  Ron told me last night and again this morning he goofed, he missed how bad I was.  How low my blood sugar was and I was too confused to understand or tell him.  I should have taken sugar or a glucose tablet.  So yesterday I had taken no insulin during the day and last night after talking with Ron he told me not to take my nighttime insulin nor my nighttime metformin.   This morning, my blood sugar was only 91.  It is acceptable but remember I am not to go lower than 80.  So I won’t take insulin this morning, as we are having hard-boiled eggs.  I should have had pancakes but that I would have to cover so I will stick with the eggs and toast.  Hugs

 

I love the new Playtime Pink Palace that Ron built.

I just finished the dishes.  It is 3:30.  I started them about 12:30.  Ron is back in bed where he has been for most of the day, he is very tired and not feeling well.  I went through that for a few days, ending it seems with left over draggy feelings today.

So again why do I love the new place for me, well let me explain.  Ron has painted it in colors I picked and like.  I do spend most of my waking time in this room.  Plus he put up shelving everywhere and anywhere I asked.  But what makes it work so well for me doing dishes is the rather expensive monitor arms he not only agreed to but insisted I buy.  These are the more expensive one than I was pushing for, but damn they work so well!  So when I do dishes or other stuff in the kitchen, all I have to do is swivel the monitor arm towards the door and change the angle of the monitor by turning that.   It is so simple and easy.  With my headphones on and the 32-inch monitor on full screen, I can see everything as well as I could if I was in the room sitting at my chair.  

Don’t tell him, but the expense was worth it, and I agree with and love his choice. He is determined this move will be what I want in every way.  I can understand.  Not only have I been … suffering from my past, but I was willing to give up everything to provide a space for James.  Then as we worked on what James wanted, James found a relationship that did not include us and moved out.  Sudden shift of plans.

It is OK, it allowed Ron and I to totally redesign what we had thought we wanted for the house, giving Ron a much larger living room and the place his “living room” stuff is now will become the new dining room, which made far more sense to begin with.  

But Ron is not going to be happy until the new room for me is everything I ever could want.  I admire him for his devotion to me, but I am not insisting on that level of satisfaction.  But it is so grand he is wanting to do it.  He is definitely a husband worth keeping as we start our 34th year together.   Loves and hugs or best wishes.  Scottie

My day so far

So I woke at 2 am to pee.   With my new heart medications, I pee at night almost every hour.  I also went to bed at 8 pm.  I tend to go to bed early due to both my medications and insulin / food at supper making me very sleepy.  So last night I went to bed at 8 pm.

Ron and I do not get tired normally at the same time.  I go to bed early and he normally doesn’t come to bed until 10 pm or later.  But we have a system.  I put my pills in little paper cups.  When I go to bed I set up and take my evening pills for that day, then set up my pills for morning and set it aside on the headboard, I then set up the 10 pm pain pills and set in a spicfic spot.  I set the night ones in one place and the morning ones go next to the morning other pills I take.  Then I set up my nighttime long acting Lantus insulin pen.  I take 25 units at night around 10 pm.  So I set the dial, put the needle on, but leave the cover and get the alcohol pad packet ready.  Yes we use them for our blood sugar sticks and our shots because the teaching over the years spent in the hospital ICU systems still resonate in us.   Then I go to bed.

Ron then comes down about 10 pm to wake me or remind me if I have not been sleeping to take the pills and shot.  Often by then he will be ready to come to bed, but sometimes not.  It is something that works well for us, as I get up much earlier in the morning than Ron does.  

Back to today.  I woke up at 2 am to pee, but couldn’t go back to sleep.  So I figured it was a great time to get up and deal with all the open tabs I have on both computers.  Also between 4:30 to 5:30 am I try to feed the two “outside cats”.  I am normally up by 5 am and they are used to that.  The outside cats are one feral distrustful female and one former inside cat that often spends days in our home to go back out at night. We wanted him to be out during the day and in all night, but after a month or two of fighting with him, he won.  He comes in during the day and sleeps or what ever, and is out all night.  So I fed them and made of him as he wandered around inside.

Later that morning when Ron got up.  

Ron and I took the skirting off parts of the back and the side at the back of the house to inspect the old internet coaxial cable that was run for us in 2007.  The current cable is a two part cable because when we first signed up with the internet company we got the entire package, TV, phone, and internet.  We soon dropped phone for cells, then dropped cable for internet entertainment.  So all we have is internet.  And we are happy with that, if not the price.  As I said before we use the max out of our internet.  The company recently forced us to go through a week of on and off internet to double our speeds, which I am sure they will soon jack the price for.  When I talk to others around the country about their internet speeds and costs a lot of people get far greater speeds for less cost, but what can we do?  We really are dependent on our internet for everything from our TV, computers, to our security system. 

The first thing we did after breakfast was go out and remove panels of the skirting on the back of the house and the side near the back.  The intent was to see where and how I had split it off when it was first put in on the beginning of 2007.  Because we had signed up for Phone, cable, and internet they ran a large two-sided cable from their box at the back of the yard which they then  split a distance under the home to send one half to and hooked into the home, then I split the internet part off to several rooms in the house.   Over the years we got rid of landline phone service and then cable.  So the old cable stayed only with the second part cut off at the boxes at the end of the home.  

Since I hope this is the last office change and both Ron and I want to get it as perfect as we can we have decided to replace the existing large two-sided cable with a new modern upgraded coaxial cable just for the internet to the spot we plan to put the modem and router.  

Which saw Ron and me outside at 10 am in the Florida sun / heat taking the skirting off spots in the back and side of the house to determine what we needed to do to run new coaxial cable.  Ron insisted on taking the side panels at the south side of the home off while we were in the direct sun because he was sure the answers we needed were further up the house.  I knew how the cables were run because I was deeply involved with them when they were being done back in 2007, but I also know enough after 33 years of living together to just let Ron do what he is sure is right until he is proven wrong.  Then if I know what is good for my future affections for a while I never let on that I was “damn well right in the first place”

So to make the longest story shorter after taking off the back panels I had seen the place their orange cable came in and our double cable was hooked to and ran under the home, split off to a now cut line, and ran the rest of the way under the home.  So the solution was clear and simple.  So simple it leads to an argument until Ron and I got on the same page and he understood what I was saying.  So we measured the length of the back of the house to the corner and then up to where we thought roughly that the wall from the new office to the current office room.  Leaving room for “stuff” we came up with 45 feet.  So Ron then decided to add to that length of the rest of the home.  He came up with 70 feet.  

At this point I felt the need to remind Ron that the official length of our home was 56.5 feet long.  He was not happy and insisted we needed a new 70 foot cable in case we ever wanted to move the modem from my office to another part of the house like the planned for new living room.  I knew when trying to fight a point was not worth doing so, and agreed to look the cable length up at either Home Depot or Lowes.

That is when things got a bit tense.  First let me say I have made many cables, both coaxial and Ethernet.  I did it for years.  I have all the tools and supplies.  But I just don’t want to do it now.  I want this to be the last time we do it, open the skirting which is a bitch to open and harder to close and then run this cable.  I trust the manufactured cables more than my ability these days.  Ron was angry I did not want to do it because at the stores we could only get 50 feet or 100 feet in the lengths we needed.  Ron wanted to buy 70 feet which both stores will sell the cables by the foot with out ends and have me put the ends on.  I told him to get the 50 foot for about 30 dollars or the 100 foot for 40 dollars.  I am not sure which he will get.  He finally gave in.  I just don’t want to do it anymore, even though I am sure I can.  

Then after being outside and kneeling in the grass, my allergies were in full bloom.  My hands that were in the grass to look under the house and help me get back on my feet were turning red and itching.  I stayed out with Ron while he closed up the skirting, which is a true bitch, then I came in and took a shower while he mowed the lawn with the new 6.5 amp 18 volt batteries we bought for the mower.  Now let’s move on to the rest of the day.

One of the great things of my new Scotties Playtime Pink Palace is that I can swivel the video monitor and put on headphones and do the dishes while watching the video screen from the kitchen sink / counters!  Those video monitor arms are awesome.  So I did the dishes.  Now I want people to understand, we have a very fancy expensive dishwasher that has not worked correctly since Ian.  We paid a repair company $110 to come in, run it for 10 minutes, hear it run, see it had a bit of water and leave saying nothing wrong with it.  So after it wouldn’t fill or run, Ron replaced a bunch of parts, including the pump.  Then he gave up and we just continued doing dishes by hand in the sink using the dishwasher racks to drain the dishes.  The problem is to replace the dishwasher will cost about $700 dollars and I need new glasses as mine have a chip out of them and my eyes have gotten worse.  The glasses I get have always been around $700 dollars at the least expensive place.  The one time Ron and I tried a different place, they wanted 1,400 dollars for the same glasses.  Screw that.

But while there was not really a large amount of dishes, only about 24 hours worth for two people, it took me 2 and a half hours.  Yes sorry but I struggle to stand, move, work with my arms and shoulders.  So those dishes took me that long.  During it I needed to take pain medications.  While I was doing dishes, Ron took a well deserved break.  He offered to dry the dishes but I really felt he deserved more of a break.  The man is 68, has his own health issues, and was out in the Florida sun / heat mowing our lawn.  I wanted him to sit in his recliner after he took his shower, watch his TV, and relax.  And tonight he is going to make supper of burgers and salads.

A few hours later:   Ron made two burgers each and two small salads.  Small salads for us means a regular size bowl and a large salad which is what I normally have is a very large pasta bowl full of salad.  So I made two burgers the way I like and took them to my new office along with my salad.  But I soon realized I wouldn’t be able to eat both burgers and the salad.  As I was finishing my first burger, Ron opened the door and asked if I needed anything and I offered him my second burger.  He smiled.  He knew that was coming.  I wish I did.  He told me he had not made his second burger because he figured when he saw me take both of mine I wouldn’t be able to finish them.  He asked and I explained what was on them.  He ate my second burger and I finished my salad.  He then told me he loved it, the way I make a burger on a bun is great, but I only put salts, lettuce, pickle slices, and a tad bit of both mustard and A1 steak sauce.  But it worked out, I did not over eat and he got a great burger along with putting in the fridge the leftover burger which he will eat later.  He loves cold hamburgers, which I find abhorrent.   It is sad in a way, in the old days we would both eat two or three burgers and a whole bag of store bought french fries.  These days when Ron asks I don’t have him make fries.  No way I can eat that much.  If I am going to have fries I can only have at most one burger.  Or instead of the burgers I will just have fries which is horrible for my blood sugar.  

So everything I normally do at the end of the day is done.  The cats have been fed, Odie has been fed, and will get his shot closer to 8 pm.  I am going to bed with my muscles aching and my body pain starting to rise.  Ron has already popped in to ask if I want a back rub or something before I go to sleep.  Gods he is wonderful.  But I told him we will cuddle when he comes to bed many hours from now.  

So that was / is the highlights of my day.   I am sure I forgot some stuff.  If you ask me questions I might remember what I forgot.  Otherwise I love you all, and wish those that like hugs many warm ones and those that don’t want hugs I extend best wishes.  Good night.  Scottie

My day

I spent most of the day in bed.  Not sleeping but desperately wanting to.  I wanted my mind to stop, my thoughts to stop.  I wanted the sweet release of oblivion, yet in my sleep I rarely get that.  Ron did keep trying to get me to eat, and I did eat this morning, and had popcorn for supper.  I simply can not stomach anything else.  Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment at 10:10 for my allergy shots, but they are pretty loose with the times.  Yet after spending the day in bed trying to sleep now when I should … I struggle to stay up.  

Ron has been very attentive today, which makes me think I have not been hiding my problems and issues as well as I thought I was.  Since I got up this afternoon he keeps coming into the “Scotties Playtime Pink Palace” to ask me if I need anything, If I want something to eat, how I am doing.  I know he is concerned but I don’t know what to say to him.  This just has to pass, as it has before in my life.  For me, for him, for all of us.  

On the plus side I got a couple of things posted.  One I couldn’t remember if I posted before but it was still in my open tabs so I cleared one window.  Tomorrow I realize I will have to start another with the last few days of stuff … yet still have not addressed the older stuff.  I changed the fonts and size on the blog, did anyone notice, and how is it for you guys?

I am needing to go to bed.  I have to get up in the morning early.  The outside cats like to be fed between 4:30 and 5:30.  I normally wake up by then so it is not normally a problem.  But tonight I need to go to bed.  Weird I was in bed most of the day … maybe hiding.  But now I am fighting it, I don’t want to go, yet I know I must.  Damn how often that feeling has been something I have felt in my past.  Knowing I must but really, desperately not wanting to.   If I go to bed and manage to sleep, the dreams will come.  I will relive things I … hated and feared the first times I experienced them.  If I struggle to stay up, I won’t be able to go to my allergist office and get my shots.  The adult in me is demanding one thing, but the child, that small tender child is begging me to do another.  

Fuck my life.  I am going to do the adult thing.  I am going to bed.  I will trust Ron who now knows and understand so much more than he did 33 years ago when he moved in to my home.  If I get thrashing, crying, shouting, begging, or other signs of distress, he will wake me and comfort me.

Hugs and good night. I hope your night is better than I fear mine will be.  Scottie

I have tried, I really did. I hope that shouldn’t be again.

Ron made a great meal of baked Ziti and garlic bread.  It was what I asked for, and he seemed to understand even though I was hiding it from him, I was very upset.  I ate two small plates full, even though that was a lot for me.  

But now I must go to bed.  Not only is the food and emotional upset screaming through my body, but I can not deal with anything else.  I can not deal with the 180 web pages, tabs I have opened on two different computers.  I simply can’t deal with any of them.  So I must close it all down.  Go to bed, and try desperately to sleep.  That again will be with some help from Ron.  

Often when one or the other of us can not sleep cuddling with the other does the trick, the only thing is who cuddles who and for how long.   Sometimes cuddles turn into sexy time.  But often it is simply a way to go to sleep when one is upset over the day’s news.   Plus we never go to bed at the same time, so if I am to wait for Ron to come to bed to feel better, I would have to ask him before heading to the bedroom.   Anyway today and the posts I have made have exhausted me, and I simply must stop.  So all those tabs will go into the cue for morning.    Hugs and loves to all.

My last post about my childhood

Hello readers and followers.  In my last post I put in the line I needed to go clear my mind of the post.  That was because I had to go over and over what I wrote to correct it.  However I do not want people to take that as I might not want comments on the post.  If you have a comment to make, please feel free to do so.  And I will respond.  I belong to a survivor’s forum and talking about the abuse and feed back from others can be helpful.  That is why all the therapist I have seen in the past recommending writing it out even if it was only in a letter I wouldn’t ever send.  It is just a way to get it out of my mind and body and try to let it go away.  If you try to ignore it or deny it, if you do what I did for so very long and bury it as deep as possible never letting on why you are hurting it leads to consequences such as self harm.  Thank you.  Hugs