Christmas For Child Scottie – Scottie's Playtime

Hello everyone. This is a hard post but one I feel I must make for my own continued healing and to explain why this season hits me so hard. Before I get to the abuse let me tell everyone that yesterday taking things out of the car I was standing sideways with my knee pressed hard against the seat of the car as I reached across needing just an inch or two to grab the package … and as I strained to grab the parcel my knee snapped, I heard a grinding sound and fell to the ground. I fell to the ground seeing stars.

Ron rushed to me as soon as he saw me on the ground, we got me into my room and realized that my knee cap had been pushed into the cartilage beneath the cap. What ever happened to my knee caused me agony and lost me the ability to stand or use my leg. The pain made moving my leg in any way mind-blowing excoriating pain. Remember I take two kinds of morphine and other pain relievers. Ron got my walker from the bedroom but even using that was not able to help me move around. I went to bed. During the night I was OK if I did not move. The longer I stayed still the more the knee healed and the few times I had to get up to pee, well I had the walker and now understood how to hold my leg. The more it healed, the better it got. So this morning I was able to get up, and using the walker make my way to the kitchen and make my coffee. Then on to the Pink Palace to start my day.

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Now to the reason for my post. I seriously warn for abuse trigger warnings. Please. The reason for this post, I am going to post something I wrote to a fellow survivor about why I get so withdrawn during this time. I appreciate his care and concern, plus I want you to know that it was Randy my grand real brother who talked to me this morning and made it possible for me to deal with posting this time in my life. I won’t include what he replied when I showed him the stuff I wanted to post but I assure you he was a comfort unparalleled in giving me the strength to do this. When I look to the past, what happened in late 2013 and in 2014 forward I wonder if I would be here if not for the unflagging love and care of my grand brother Randy.

Below is what I wrote to a fellow survivor who was worried about me.

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Christmas always brings depression and a desire to hide or withdraw from life for me. Short story … it provided more time for abusers to use me and more of them around. During the weeks leading up to Christmas day as presents were placed under the tree which I knew better than go near the hell spawn would mess with their presents to figure out what they were, then when it was discovered I was of coursed blamed and punished for it in front of everyone.

But the worst was Christmas day, and despite what I knew had happened in the past and would happen that day I would get excited thinking of the gifts. After the nighttime / early morning rapes / giving oral to both males and females, I would be told where to sit. One of the hell spawns would pass the gifts out, one at a time. When it was my turn I would carefully unwrap the present even though I was being told to speed up, then give the required thanks to the person it was from, then place it on the floor next to me.

After all the gifts had been unwrapped while the adults gathered their gifts to stash in their room, the hell spawn gathered around me where I still sat. They took what they wanted of what I was “given”, most of which would have been bought knowing they would be the ones to get it. I was left with the clothing, socks, shirts, a pair of pants or two. One Christmas I got a coloring book that they let me keep but they took the crayons. I would take my gifts to my hallway mat until I was nearly 8 and got a bed of my own in the male hell spawns room as we moved and there was no longer a hallway for me to be made sleep in. I knew better than to complain or make a fuss, it was just the way things were, my place there, my life. To cry or complain would get me a public punishment and then a private worse punishment for ruining their Christmas. The private one would be very humiliatingly to insure it stuck with me. I learned not to complain, just shut down.

Anyway you asked if I have gotten any help. No. Two of my doctors want me to get a therapist, along with a neurologist, and several other specialists for different symptoms I have. I do not have the income for all the doctors, tests, and scans these doctors claim I need. Maybe this year. I get through Christmastime by withdrawing and shutting down, kept sane only by my husband and my best friend, and the little internet communications I feel well enough to doing. Mostly during this time I watch videos, movies, not really seeing the screen, not even remembering what I watched, just existing for one more minute, one more hour, one more day.

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Grand for me this year I got a true real Christmas gift. One with no costs of my body for exchange as in my childhood if I wanted something. When at my youngest even food came with me providing sexual favors.

Yes this year I got a Christmas gift with no strings attached. Yes Ron gives me those but this one was special. My brother Randy gave me money to spend on me, not on the house, not on others, but just on me. I have been working for years with a broken keyboard which the backlighting has given out, and my mouse now takes many clicks to make work. Even Ron was frustrated by it during the times we sat together paying bills and wanted me to replace them.

So remembering the spirit this gift was given, I used it to buy the following things. It will make my life so much better. I got them in white. Thank you my grand brother. Hugs

https://www.logitech.com/en-us/products/mice/mx-master-3s.910-006558.html

https://www.logitech.com/en-us/products/keyboards/mx-keys-s.920-011559.html