41 tabs

It is 7:30, so it is after the agreement I made to stop blogging and do fun stuff I enjoy.  Halo!  Or watch a movie.  Ron doesn’t care which, he just thinks nonstop from waking up around 4 am until I got to bed exhausted fighting the online news cycles is harmful to me.  I just checked.  I put 41 open tabs in the cue for tomorrow when I restart the computer.  That is along with two other windows, one not important but the other is from one of the abuse survivor sites I belong to and has a lot of open tabs that I simply can not find it in my self to read and deal with.   Those people wrote those to try to excise the same demons / feelings I have.   I want to honor them by reading them, as I hope people read mine.   But I can only handle so many, so much.  Kids who were abused as I was never had a voice, now that we have found one I think people should listen.  There are 19 open tabs of fellow child abuse survivors I have not been able to get my self to open yet.  I will carry their stories forward to tomorrow when hopefully I will be able to read a few of their stories, their cries.  Before shutting down on that and the new stories will join the cue for the next tomorrow.   As will the daily news of atrocities of man towards man and the hate towards my kind, the LGBTQIA.  Good night and hugs.  For those that feel hugs uncomfortable and I understand that, you have my very best wishes.    Scottie

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Published by Scotties Playtime

I am an older gay guy in a long-term wonderful relationship. My spouse and I are in our 36th year together. I love politics and news. I enjoy civil discussions and have no taboo subjects. My pronouns are he / him / his and my email is Scottiestoybox@gmail.com

19 thoughts on “41 tabs”

    1. Hello Ali. Halo was grand. I had finally collected all the things I could get and had long ago played all the missions. So now that I have a good understanding of the game, I started again last night with a new game. See these games are complex and have a lot of Easter egg things and if you just rush through to follow the story and kill the story bad guys, you miss a lot of the good stuff. Like after I won the first battle I went to move to the next one. The game asked me if I was sure I wanted to. I did not understand why then but do now, see there were things in that first mission that you had to hunt for and find. And if you leave that mission before you do, you can not go back and get them. There are not just advancements to your gear, there are logs, and other good things to find. Yes I am rambling but for me the game is like reading a good story, I am drawn into it, I am in the story, I am one of the characters, I feel the story. I am like that with Halo. Hugs. Scottie

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      1. Our kid is just like that with games. I think it’s amazing, but I don’t have patience; I like Bejeweled and FreeCell. And word searches, and some MahJongg. Shockwave is down today for maintenance, and I’m in withdrawal. Feel free to laugh; the kid would laugh, too! It’s not really gaming, to gamers. I’m glad you have a thing that enriches you.

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        1. Hi Ali. I am not laughing, I understand. Do you like finding word games? When I am in a doctor’s office, I often play a game called word wow. It only costs a few dollars for the complete no ads version. The game is a bunch of letters in a rectangle and to reach the bottom you have to spell words, the longer the word the more points. You can play timed or not times. Below I will put a Google link and an apple link, so you can see the game. Hugs. Scottie

          https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.donkeysoft.wordwowfree&pli=1

          https://apps.apple.com/us/app/word-wow-help-the-worm-down/id868758561

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    1. Thank you David. We got some candy just in case but we did not have a single trick or treater. Again! Where we lived in West Palm Beach we had hoards of dressed up kids. We loved it. We would decorate and we would dress up. When we moved into our mobile home park in 2004 it was an adult only place. So kids were not here and did not come to our homes. Now we are not adult only but still never have any kids come. So we don’t do anything for Halloween anymore. Hugs. Scottie

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        1. Hi Nan. I got the smallest bag of different candy I could find. It still was nearly 6 dollars. The regular size bags were over 21 dollars. Oh, my morning blood sugar was 90. When I don’t have steroid shots, with my diet and limited eating I have low blood sugar readings. My doctor even told me I could have sweets sometimes because there has been such a huge change in my readings. But I just don’t crave sweet stuff like I use to. Hugs

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      1. My Halloween was perfect. No candy. No kids. No bullshit decorations. No snot nosed brats bumming candy.

        We will have turkey and stuff come T-giving. We will eat good for X-mas. But thank the gods in between peoples ears, we do not buy into the full blown commercial crap that is “Holidays,” anymore.

        Our kids are well past that and no grandkids close enough to spoil. So, “Freedom!”

        I do not miss it one iota.

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  4. And to think we’ve just be discussing something not that dissimilar.
    It is a truth that rest and relaxation times are necessary in the scheme of things, before we continue on our own journeys.
    Your are carrying some very tough and valuable work their Scottie, takes guts and a lot of love for your fellow beings.
    Take some time out. You’ve earned it.

    Roger

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    1. Thank you Roger. Yes we are both trying to step back a bit for our health and well-being. Like you I will still be in the fight, but as you say relaxation and clearing the mind is necessary and a good thing. I wish you the best with your writing. I suspect writing is for you what playing Halo is for me. Hugs. Scottie

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  5. I’m most certainly not a counselor — but from my perspective, it would seem that reading about other people’s abusive situations would tend to bring up stuff for you — and the cycle could repeat. Isn’t discussing it with a therapist one-on-one the preferred action?

    I know you have beaucoup medical expenses related to your various and sundry physical problems, but it seems therapy for a healthy mind might reduce some of those.

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    1. Hi Nan. You are correct on both fronts, to a degree. While the right therapist can be essential to regaining one’s mental health, it doesn’t fill the function of simply telling what happened to you. See one of the things that all abusers try to instill in the abused is that no one will believe them or do anything to help them. They tell the abused repeatedly that either they will be the one in trouble, or use other methods to keep the abuse from coming out, like physical threats. They make the abused feel alone with nowhere to turn. Been there lived that.

      But telling what happened to us on our terms, when we want to, with our words takes back some of what the abusers stole from us, it takes our voice back, and for many of us it gives us the control which is something we never had as kids.

      You are 100% correct reading too much at a time or doing it when not prepared or in a safe space can be triggering. It can invite the spiral of remembering, depression, for me the void I have talked about. For me that normally happens when reading a news story which I was not prepared for the descriptions and level of abuse described. It is always a problem Nan as so many things can be triggering in daily life. Most of us learn ways to deal with it to save our sanity.

      But reading the stories of other abuse victims also has another benefit. It shows us we are not alone. It was not just us. We were not wrong or deficient or broken so we were abused. It was not our fault. Remember again all the things the abusers tell the child or even the abused spouse. It is their fault, you made me do that to you. You need it, you liked it, you had it coming. By knowing others had those things pulled on them, said to them, used against them, it helps.

      I am not sure if I can ever fully explain it. But you are correct that care must be taken. That is why I limit it, I watch my self for signs of stress that indicate trouble. If I am in a bad place like I was a while ago, I stay away from others stories. Hugs. Scottie

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  6. Not to be ‘That guy’, but to be ‘that guy’…
    it’s not cue, it’s que. From British/Canadian English.
    Grins and hugs.

    RandomTroll
    (fake email)

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    1. Hi RT. Thank you. I struggled with that one. A small word, but I couldn’t get my mind around it. I tried looking it up but did not think to use a Q in the search so did not find what I wanted. Hugs. Scottie

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