Like everyone, I always have the best of intentions. I planned this weekend for getting to comments and putting away old saved tabs. But fate and my memories get in the way. And right now I hurt badly. Not asking for sympathy, I just want to explain if I end up late on doing what I said I would.
This last week I have fluctuating between active memories of my abuse including the feelings as it was happening, to being very depressed and not wanting to even get out of bed. So I went from if I sleep having nightmares to not being willing / able to sleep to when sleeping not being willing to get out of bed to function. Plus Friday I had my allergy shots, had a bad reaction had to take Benadryl, and while tearing my skin off went to bed early.
This morning is an example. I went to bed at 4 pm yesterday (remember having a bad allergy reaction and taking Benadryl) telling Ron I wanted to get up at 6 pm. But when he came to me then, I said I was not ready to get up. He understood. Since I opened up to him more about my abuse he understands some of the moods I have and me trying to hide in being distracted. I woke at midnight but couldn’t bring my self to get up. I laid there watching the clock, the thoughts in my head fighting with each other. Some telling me to get up and do computer stuff, the other voices told me to stay in bed, ignore everything, maybe sleep. A couple of times I did sleep for a few minutes until the dreams turned bad, and I woke up agitated. Once Ron woke me asking if I was OK because I was having a bad dream about my abuse and verbalizing it. At 2 am, I reminded my self of my promise to get up and work on comments. At 4 am, I told my self the outside cats needed to be fed and cared for. Finally at about 5 something I forced my self out of bed but mostly because my stomach was hurting due to lack of food (something I knew all too well and was triggering on its own which caused its own bad feedback loop in my head. As an adult in a restaurant I would order far more than I could eat, and it took Ron a long time to teach me how not to do that. At home I would cook for far more people than the two of us could eat. When Ron would cook I would fill my plate with far more than I could eat. Only after I told him how I had been denied food, hospitalized and went clinically dead from being starved and was suffering malnutrition for long periods of my childhood did he understand. If my grandfather had not grabbed me and taken me to the ER I would not be here.) and plus my bowels needing relief.
I got up and was doing well, I feed and took care of cats, I did other chores and went to town on the computer stuff I needed to get done. But yesterday the water was off for most of the day, so we didn’t wash the dishes from yesterday. So about 10 am I started washing dishes, cleaning up the kitchen, and washing the more dishes. Also pre-making the coffee for morning. For some reason that whole thing took me until 2 pm! During that I had to take extra medication, and now I am having a vodka cola drink.
All this to say, I am going to concentrate on current comments while saving posts so that by morning they won’t disappear. I will work as long as I can (Ron has already been asking me what I want for supper as he knows how tired I am and wants to make sure I eat before going to bed) doing the comments and will save those I don’t get to for tomorrow, which should be a slower day. I saved all the comments from the last few days so if you left comments know I will answer them, I really love that you commented. Thank you. It just has been a struggle for a few months with my memories, emotions, and my body. Hugs, loves, best wishes to all. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 
I am so sorry about your issues, Scottie! I hope you will feel better soon. Best wishes and blessings! xx Michael
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Hello Michael. Thank you. I am in a cycle of bad memories of my childhood physical, emotional, sexual abuse and the rapes I suffered as a young adult in the military. Plus the physical problems I struggle with today, some that can be traced back to the abuse I took as a child. Some of the worst emotional abuse happened at Christmastime. Not only was I forced to give up gifts I thought were mine and allowed to unwrap, but later abused as I watched those other kids play with “my toys”. It causes emotional problems as well as sleeping problems, plus depression, which I fight and Ron is on the alert for. See the last time it turned all bad for me this way I started self harming again which included cutting my self badly. Ron did not know why at the time I was so upset and depressed, as he only knew a little about of my abuse. It was only when my doctor who knew a lot of it told Ron some / parts of my abuse and situation that he was able to understand and move to help me. So I am struggling to just to keep everything together until I can get over this part. This emotional hump. Ron is watching and being very attentive and careful. I know I am not alone, I am safe, and right now I do not feel the need to hurt myself even though I am having the memories / feelings again.
Thank you friend. That may have been more information than you wanted. As some famous person once said. This too shall pass. I just hope it is soon. Also I hope all is well for you this holiday season. Hugs, Scottie
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I’m so horrified about what others did to you and the results that now must endure. I admire your passion and strength, and wish you the very best that life can bring you on your path to overcoming these things. Hugs, brother.
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Hello Michael. Thank you. I had to make a choice in my life. When I left the place I was abused, home, I made my self a promise I wouldn’t ever be like them, I wouldn’t have their attitudes and mindset ever in my self.
I was lucky in that I went into first the US Navy. While there I learned some about how to survive as an adult. Sadly I had terminal motion sickness, so I couldn’t stay in the navy. But because my first experience being on my own was so positive (with a few hiccups I have written about else where which almost led me to being sex trafficked) I joined the US Army. At the time, I felt it was just anything to avoid going back to the place / people I had been so repeatedly abused.
That was a game changer for me. The army opened an entirely different world for me. I got taken under the wind of some great people. I loved every part of my service, except the last few months. When I need to get me and my boyfriend changed to a new command due to his stupidity of getting caught with drugs, I was able to get both of us transferred to Berlin due to my position. When we got there the first sergeant said, “I was told by admiral … that you are a couple, is that correct”? I sheepishly nodded yes. He replied “Ok for tonight I have to put you in separate rooms but give me a couple of days to move people around, and you will have your own room”. Needless to say that was the best and most happy command I had ever been in. We were 26 mos, satellite repair and operators attached to an intel unit. I helped build the new 39-foot dish there as I had experience doing it at our last command. We were so happy and both raised in rank, even though my boyfriend kept fucking up.
Then he went state side, I was forced to stay in Berlin, and a new commander came in. He was former infantry. He changed everything. Instead of our work, it was polish the equipment racks and such stuff, and all by the book. As much as my own command tried to protect me, it soon became clear he had an idea I was gay, and he was not happy with me in the command. So instead of reenlisting like everyone begged me to, I decided to leave. The new commander made it clear to me if I stayed, he would make my life miserable and have me thrown out as homosexual. As this was the 1980s, I understood the threat.
The day I left I was at the site in civilian clothing, the site went down. As people scrambled to get us back on the bird I watched. When we did not come back and people were confused yelling to do different things, I ran to the crypto room because as a shift leader I knew the crypto units did not reset automatically, they had to be manually reset and initiated. When I got done, we hit the bird with full signal and modulation. Both the warrant officer in charge of our unit and the higher noncoms seen what I did and begged me to let him reenlist me right then. I asked them if they could protect me from the new company commander? While they said they would try, they couldn’t promise me, so I left.
That started my civilian life. While I found a great job and started making more money than I ever dreamed of, I was lost and lonely. The childhood past was starting to push me into even more harmful behaviors. Then I met Ron and my world changed. We met in 1990 and in October that year formed our lifelong bond. We were legally married as soon as it became legal in our state on January 12th 2015. Hugs. Scottie
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I’m happy you were able to change so much around and that you have a caring partner. Congratulations on the changes you’ve made and thank you for your service. Hugs, ‘bro. Always
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Just keep taking good care of our friend! 💖🖖
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Thank you Ali. To tell you the truth, at this point I don’t know what to do. I am all over the map emotionally. I feel ok some days and other days not. Sometimes I am doing ok for most of the day and then … bang a memory hits, maybe triggered by something on screen or something else, but it throws me into a spin down a rabbit hole. Then my world goes to shit. I struggle to get back upright in a hurricane wind, with the memories tormenting me. If I get out of it, I have huge sadness and emotional waves of despair / fear / anger it is hard to function. I go long periods of not eating until Ron gets upset, and then other times I can not eat enough as the mind replays all the times I was so hungry and was denied the food there.
Ali the point is I am in serious flux now, and I am trying hard to work out of it, but not sure how. It seems like two steps forward and one step back. Anyway thank you, it will all work out. I am nowhere near where I was when I was doing self harm. And Ron is watching and trying to help, and now that he knows more of my abuse and how hard it is for me every day to deal with it, he is so sweet about making sure anything that may remind me of it is removed. Hugs. Scottie
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All anyone can do is all they can do, and our best is all we have, whatever that is at any given time. It’s not a fail of yours; you probably have to see at least some of this through to get past it. Just do your best, and do please eat and hydrate. And thank you!
And if it helps Ron at all, most of us who read here are just as mad at the people who did this to you as he probably is.
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