Know I am safe. Ron is grocery shopping, but I have people to contact. Please understand once I got past the shock and could deal I texted Randy. But he is at work and the boss, so I am OK enough not to need his time, even though he offered. He is so grand, if the abused people ever had the same set-up as the AA / friends of Bill, he would be the world’s best sponsor. I am not in a safe enough mind place to tell everyone about the new memories / fragments. I have just stopped crying because I wanted to type and forced my attention on the keyboard. Every time I try to type what I remember, I fall apart. But part of me knows to turn to the computers, to Scotties Playtime, to focus hard on this … what ever this is. Because if I don’t the vortex may come. Even the thought of it just started body reactions I am struggling to control. Part of me is trying to deny the memories, to force them back into forgetfulness, to put them back in that chest wrapped with chains thrown into the deepest part of the ocean … but … I know enough to understand I can not heal or maybe even really deal with them until I am able to write them, to vocalize them, to accept them and then conquer them with all the strength of the person I am. I have to get the emotions under control. I want to slide into despair, wondering if it will ever stop, to what if I lose control, to wanting to hide, to crying / shaking / scared when as an adult right now in my home I have no reason to be afraid. I think that now that Ron knows so much more when he gets home, I should tell him about this. My instinct, what I have always done, is hide it from him. But maybe it will help if I tell him. Anyway. Got to go, everything hurts, I … Just have to go. Love and hugs. Scottie
Another few intrusive memories hit, new memories of abuse. So hard the last 6 months.
Scottie's Playtime 
Scottie, it may upset you for me to say this … but sharing your pain via your friends on the internet is not going to make it go away. You NEED to see a counselor/psychiatrist on an ONGOING basis. It is an expense that you MUST put it in your budget! None of us can help. All we can do is feel/offer sympathy. And that doesn’t do one iota of good to make you whole.
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Hi Nan. No I am not upset by you saying that. Why would I be. You think you know or feel what would help me. But the fact is I have done what you said since childhood. You already know that the adoptive parents were charged with abuse, it got swept under the rug as far as I know. I do remember during elementary school being picked up by a police officer and taken to either a doctor or to councilors. Did the courts order this? Or did the school force it? I do remember in elementary school there was a cot set up for me behind the library shelves which I spent a lot of time on. From second grade until I left in 6th grade. I simply told the teacher I needed to, or they would tell me I needed to go there. Looking back I wonder what the other kids thought?
You are wrong in that you can not help. And really I am not sure if it is all of you that are the help, even though I am sure your feedback does help. It is the act of getting it out, taking the power away from it. Regaining authority over it. That is the thing that has to happen for me to heal. I not only have to be able to face it, I have to be able to accept it, and to do that I have to be able to voice it. That is the issue I am having with these new memories, it is not just me being abused but other kids with me. I really struggle to deal, accept, to even acknowledge the memories.
Can anyone here on the blog change the past, no. You are correct in that. Can it help me emotionally, yes greatly. And Nan this is a process, a process that goes in fits, spurts, stops and starts. Trust me, I have been in enough therapy to know. I wish I could say it is something new, but these memories hitting me are not new, but their damage, the emotions that they carry with them never diminishes when they first start coming clear.
So Nan, you are wrong because your listening and acknowledging it does help me, a lot. Me simply being able to say it helps a lot. I went until 2007 before I even started to tell Ron. I hid it as much as I could at every turn. Being able to say what happened to me is taking back from them the power and giving it back to myself.
I may need to go back to counseling. Before Christmas as you know I had the childhood abuse hit very hard. It does during that time because of the way I was treated during Christmas as a child, the sadistic way I would be given a present to unwrap, then be forced to not say anything as any of the hell spawn could claim it. They got a lot of cool stuff that way. I got clothing sometimes I could keep. It was designed to hurt me, to cause me pain. And there were other punishments to go along with it. Christmas wrapping causes triggers for me. So yes I have issues during the end of the year. But Nan, speaking about it does help.
What is the phrase, a burden shared is a burden lessened? Hugs. Scottie
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Scottie, you really do not have to “get them under control”…that is possibly the worst thing you could do to yourself. Instead try free writing…don’t try to make sense of anything just write out your pain. And seriously think about how you could get to a counselor that deals with childhood trauma. They can really REALLY help. You just need to start honey. I have faith in you.
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Hi Suze. Thank you. Yes writing them, giving my voice to them is one of the healing things I was taught. Take the authority away from those abusers who threatened me to never tell. Please see the long reply I made to Nan. I don’t want to rewrite the same stuff. Thanks.
I am not sure that I understand you when you say getting them under control is the wrong thing to do. I think you mean that trying to bury they again in the chest wrapped in chains in the deepest part of the ocean would be bad. That is sadly what I tried to do most of my life. And you are correct as it blew up on me badly in 2014. That said, when I talk of getting them under control I really mean me, I have to get me under control. See back in 2014 I had held it in until things happened in my life and my health was so bad they crashed in over me. I started to self harm again. It was a bad few years. Ones that Randy worked hard to pull me back out of. Ron worked with my doctors to help me, setting up stuff so I could stay in the bedroom which is the only place I felt safe. The doctors told Ron I needed to be distracted, give me something else to focus on, reminded him I was still that abused child in my mind, feelings.
Ron was working nights but set up a candle making station in the bedroom next to my computer setup. I slept, ate, made candles, (our bedroom has a full bathroom) and only left the bedroom to go to the doctor’s appointments that Ron took me to. Most doctors, he came in with me because I simply was not functioning well enough to deal with stuff. The doctors dealing with the abuse he stayed in the waiting room and talked with them after. I made thousands of candles. Friends I had made on the internet sent me candle molds, Ron bought all the supplies I needed. After about three years, I ventured back out into the world again. I lost my first grand blog, but started another and then closed it to start this one.
All my life I have wanted to help others, fought for the underdog and down trodden, gave my best to increase liberty and equality for everyone. But as I wrote to Nan, the holiday season is hard on me, it gave the abusive adoptive parents new ways to torture me / abuse me. So that is when I have to guard against resurfacing memories. But as I have been trying to explain these new memories hurt more than the others, shocked me with what I did not know, overwhelmed me with feelings. I am simply struggling to deal.
Ron just came in to ask if I was OK, I have the door to my Pink Palace room closed. Right now he is worried, but he has not taken all the knives and sharp stuff into hiding yet, so that is good. He tells me he wants me to go rest, and that he will come in and massage me to relax me. He watches at night to wake me if the bad dreams come. Problem is, today I got steroid epidural spine shots, so I am somewhat wired. But yes I have to go before my mind runs down another rabbit hole.
Thank you for the comment Suze. Hugs. Scottie
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