Short update. When Ron got home from shopping, he sensed something was wrong. He asked me about it. I told him briefly I had some more intrusive memories. He was quiet and then said when we put the groceries away we will talk. After we got done I went and sat down, I was not sure that I wanted to tell him, I had hid so much for so long. He asked if I wanted to talk and could he know what was upsetting me. We sat and talked, I told him the new memories, the details that were flooding my brain, the feelings I was experiencing with them. Every time I got to points where I would be too upset to talk, starting to cry he would tell me to slow down, breathe, take your time. Then when I got it all out, I couldn’t look at him. He softly said I needed to distract myself, and I explained how that was what I was trying to do but that wouldn’t help me heal or get over anything, we both knew from experience. I told him I needed a few minutes alone and he gave me that. When I came out he walked slowly to me and held his arms out, and I grabbed him, I clutched him. He held me back and kept telling me they were gone, they couldn’t hurt me anymore. Finally, I stepped back and said to him, but that is where you’re wrong, the memories don’t stop. The feelings don’t stop. And when I remember the abuse, I also feel the abuse. He pulled me to him and held me tight. He had no words, and I don’t have any either. I know eventually I will share this with all of you who want me too or are able to deal with it. I have learned that talking about it does help in a weird way. Yes it hurts at first, deeply intently, but ignoring it makes the pain build and become much worse.
For some reason at first when I was telling him I thought Ron was going to reject me as he started looking away. Then after I now realize he was struggling not to cry and with his anger, both which would have hurt me had he shown them. He has gone to lay down for a nap, talking to me about it first. I feel weird again. I know he will be watching me, he will be worried. Did I do wrong to tell him? Should I have hidden it, gone back to the days before he really knew much? Now my doubts are creeping in and trying to take root.
I am not going to proofread this for errors. Sorry, I do need to step back. Please overlook them or if they are important call me out in comments. I have spine shots tomorrow at 10. I have to get my mind in a better place, I have to find peace. Hugs. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 
You were not wrong. He doesn’t look away from you, it’s as you say: he’s controlling anger so he can comfort you.
You write what you want when you want. Each of us can decide at the time what we can and can’t read, or need to come back to another time. Here’s to peace and comfort to you, Scottie.
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I agree with Ali. Share what you want, hold back what you want. You are loved and respected regardless, my brother.
Hugs
Randy
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Hi Randy. Thank you for the texts today. I know you were busy, you are the boss after all, but they helped. A lot. It is hard now. I have been through this before with new memory fragments. They hit hard with full emotion, then you have to try to figure them out. They will in time, and this time seeming faster than before, they will expand until I see the entire thing. I fight now wanting to and my mind saying I really need to. As I told you I have seen the horrifying basics, four seeming related memories of me, a boy smaller and must have been younger than me. The memories have shown me he got the worst of the punishment abuse. To the point he was throwing up. In the memories I feel bad for him but also glad it was not me, meaning I had been there before and knew / understood what it meant he was going through. The girl was my age, as I told you. I told Ron but I don’t want to say right now what we were doing, what I was doing to her. Even as I type this my mind is trying to slide away, I am starting to cry again, I …
Have to stop. As you said you understand.
But Randy, you say something I can not get my mind around. “You are loved and respected regardless” How can I be? I am damaged, used and abused. I want to see me differently, but in the dreams they come, in my memories they are there, gloating, controlling, using me at will and I can not stop them. By my dogs that love gravy Randy, at time damn it, at times I offered, begged, agreed to please them if they wouldn’t hurt me anymore. Don’t hit me, I will do it. OK. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes they waited until they got what they wanted and hit me anyway to show me they could. So I … I want to go away but no matter where I go the memories are there.
Ron has repeatedly told me when I go to bed he will massage me and tonight we will cuddle. He made a grand meal of burritos in red sauce. He is being careful and asking me not to push my self. He saw how upset I was, how I was crying uncontrollable. He doesn’t want that to happen tonight if he can help it.
Anyway, thanks for the comment and thanks for letting me rant a bit more. Hugs and loves wonderful brother. Hugs. Scottie
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My brother, you have told me so often that I am my worst critic. You have told me repeatedly that I have to find a way to see myself the way you see me. I struggle with that.
Taylor Swift tells us that Haters are gonna hate.
I say assholes are gonna be assholes. The worst problem with such people is that others TRY to do right, be reasonable, rational, good people around those “people”. But, assholes are gonna be assholes. There’s no reason behind them being assholes, no good will come trying to understand why they are assholes. The best we can do is ask if they have been an asshole their whole life….
ha!!
Hugs!
randy
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Thank you Randy. I was feeling pretty blue but that song brought me some smiles. I think we all have met people who practiced being assholes their entire lives. Looking back, thinking of those I met, I wonder how it made them happy? How did it give them joy unless being an asshole was the thing that made them happy. I wouldn’t be happy that way. I prefer to help others, be kind, be accepting of people different with different ways, because those same people may turn out to be the ones I need most in my life. And I will need them to accept me, with my ways, my being different. It is a two-way street and no one has the priority right of way. Hugs and lots of love. Again thanks for the texts. I was in a very dangerous spot and to admit it, I was scared. You were there for me, again. Hugs. Scottie
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Thank you, Ali. I am reeling right now, sea sawing back and forth. One part of me wants to deal, the other wants to run and hide. See what only Ron and Randy know, these memories are different in that I was not the only child being abused. In all my prior memories, it was me being abused by the adoptive parents and their hell spawn. These memories involve a boy smaller and younger than me and in the memories I think I might have been 7 or 8, and a girl my age. Plus adults hurting us. It has really rocked my understanding of my childhood. I don’t want to remember these things with other children, I don’t want to see, hear, feel their pain. But it is there. I have to deal with it.
I am 61 years old, why now? Couldn’t these memories stayed hidden, saving me this pain? Randy says it is because my mind senses I am finally read to deal / handle them. But … I am tired. I did not sleep much last night, as you can imagine. I have more shots tomorrow morning, allergy ones, got spinal epidurals this morning. I want to hide, I want to go away. But like always in my life, what I want is not so important as simply dealing with what is. Hugs. Scottie
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I think you should have guidance with this dealing, Scottie. I can easily see how memories involving more children would be more awful. Just my .02; I’m not the boss of you. I know it’s Florida, and I know separately that finances are a concern, but I hope there are veteran or county services or something you can access. And we’re all here for you, too.
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YES!!
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Hi Nan. Thank you for caring. Please see my rather long / lengthy reply to Ali. Hugs. Scottie
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Hello Ali. What do you mean by guidance? Counseling? Been there, done that. One of my doctors, the one who knows the most about my past abuse and worked with Ron to help me, says I need to look into the VA PTSD / abuse program. As a military service member with PTSD from my abuse I qualify for their assistance programs. She suggested during the holidays when I had my appointment with her that she felt I was really struggling. She asked me about it and I tried to explain and stopped because I was tearing up. She asked me if I wanted her to talk to Ron like before and I said no, not now, not right yet. I see her about every two months. Today I would have seen her but had to have a different doctor to do the spine shots. He only knows about the abuse from my records and her notes, but he did ask me if I was ok and needed to talk to him about things that might be upsetting me. I declined and he gave me the shots. So you see, rest assured I do have medical people talking to me.
I have used the VA before, they treated me for my bone disease since 1996 until about some time in 2006 when I left for the private system. We had lived in West Palm Beach where they had a new large hospital, then moved to North Fort Myers and they only had a very overwhelmed clinic. The West Palm Beach hospital were the ones that replaced my right hip in 2004.
That seems to be the idea that you and Nan are pushing. But I am not ready or in a place for that right now. But I have not closed the door to it. We will see. Thank you both for caring. Hugs. Scottie
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OK. I don’t mean to be pushing; I studied enough psych to make me dangerous, it just strikes me that dealing alone may be dangerous as well. However, I’ve read what you write here, and feel better about knowing you have people who know where you are and are/can get help when you need it. Thanks for taking the time to respond to all this! I know it’s getting late over/down there. 🖖😴💖
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Hello Ali. Thank you. I had written a very long letter / response to you. Then deleted it. Sorry but I laid bare feelings and other things I don’t want to burden you or any other viewer here with. And to tell the truth I am not at a point I can share. It hurts too much.
I am grateful to each one of you, some have been with me longer on my healing journey than others. But right now these new memories have me disoriented and struggling, and yes they are slowly filling in. I know it will take months now. One of the things I have learned from my different times in therapy is the mind protects us until it thinks we are ready to know the full truth, and sometimes never does. It is normal for these severe abuse memories to surface later in life. And it is also normal they slowly became clear. But during this time it is going to throw me everywhere and anywhere and hurt me hard. I understand this and I have accepted this. The problem I will have is how much to share with everyone here and how much detail. See that is not only to protect me, but there maybe abuse victims in my viewers who will be triggered by what I reveal.
See when I first started to reveal my abuse on my old blog, I had people I thought were really interested in helping me. The kept asking me for details, more and more details. Positions, feelings, situations, even down to lubrication or no, how hard …
I figured out that these people writing to ask this were actually abusers getting off on my telling of my abuse because I was trying hard to heal, trying hard to deal with living.
Since then I have had to get smarter and more circumstance. Wow, this is getting as long as the one I wrote and deleted. Let me send this because WordPress is acting weird. Hugs. Thanks. Scottie
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You write: But I am not ready or in a place for that right now. To me, that doesn’t make sense. Talking about your experiences (past and present) is exactly what you’re doing in your posts and well as with Ron. IMO, it would be far more healing if your were meeting with a trained professional that could provide you with the guidance (and exercises?) you need to monitor and control all your terrible memories.
But of course, it’s your life. Your decision.
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Hi Nan. I understand your prospective. You believe in an ordered medical system. Trust me I have been in it and it is not that way. Think of everyone here on this blog reading my posts prescribing my next step in healing. You have read my blog longer than most. You know that after my first experience in my first grade school, first traumatically forcing me to strip so they could see the bruises on my body and then referring me to what ever then was child services, the doctors who … the denials of the adoptive parents. Then the whole family moves, three moves in what seemed to a kid like only 8 months, but I loved it as during this time I did not have to go to school. I missed the entire end of my 1rst grade year and part of my second year.
Nan, I have been through that. And as I have in the past wrote here, memories have surfaced of me as a kid in that same grade school being taken out by local police and ferried to medical stuff. Why I don’t know? Was there more abuse known? My mind won’t show me. My own mind that has shown me so many memories thinks I am not ready for the rest. Until now I did not know these memories, it showed me these last five that threw me into a tail spin as it is the first time it was not just me alone, but with other kids.
To your point. Talking about my experiences. Why do you think letting me express them as I wish in my own way would be better with someone who I have no established relationship or feeling towards would be better than what I am trying to do here, now? They do the same thing, let you explore your feelings as you experience them. Nan I have done this. Yes there are some good ones, and also there are some that are shit, they are caught up in their own stuff or worse have an agenda so want to push each patient into a certain path. I have lucky not had to deal with that type, but on the survivor blogs I read they are far too often. Even more now that religious organizations are forcing their doctrines into accepted counseling methods.
Nan I really appreciate your concern. And I thank you for that. But I know from experience taking my time, sharing what opens up to me now is the most I can do to heal. I worry about those not able to handle what I share, I worry the emotions they might feel. Trust me their emotions are nothing compared to what I felt. But I still care. I don’t want others hurt. That would make me the same monster they were. All I can do is offer warnings and if people are not able to hear what was done to me, and I do understand that, then they need to avoid these posts.
See for me this blog is my voice, just like my last ones were. It is the way for the person I am today to let the little kid so abused with no escape a voice, a way to rage, a way to fight back, a way to … yes tell his story. In his time, at his pace, as he deals with the memories, the hurt, and yes cries for help. Because Nan, during the rapes, the being hit, the being beaten, the being thrown downstairs, the being told to put it in my mouth and drink the pee, this is my chance / place to scream no, I won’t do that anymore. Hugs. Scottie
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I understand, Scottie. Truly I do. But from my perspective, this is not the way to heal. Yes, you’re “getting it out” but it’s going to people who have no way to help … except to say, Gee, Scottie, that’s too bad. I’m sorry that happened. And while Ron might “be there” to hold and comfort you, is it fair to him?
Moreover, you are now saying that MORE memories are surfacing and I can’t help but wonder if this is really a “good thing”? Especially when you report how it affects you physically as well as mentally.
I know I said it’s your life and decision. And it is. But I feel compelled to tell you that I think what you’re doing is a wrong decision.
OK. I’ll try to cease and desist from now on.
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Hi Nan. I am going to bed, exhausted due to having been up since 11:30 last night due to steroid shots. Please do not feel I am ignoring you or disregarding what you say. In some ways there are aspects of what you say is both valuable and helpful, but not all, as you don’t understand the system / circumstances I am in / dealing with. But I will save your comment for tomorrow. Thanks, Hugs. Scottie
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Scottie I am so sorry for all the horrible things that you have been through and horrible memories you are experiencing. Please tell Ron that he’s got my vote for Sainthood.
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Hi David. Mine also. He has been my rock. When the adoptive parents kept coming down to Florida where we moved to get away from them, and upsetting me, even though at that time Ron did not know of the abuse (he told me later he had figured out I was abused but did not know the details, how bad and by whom) Ron stood up to them insisting they knock it off or get out and not come back. They tried, but they never could hide who they were or the meanness inside them. We had to stop playing board games with them because they would get so angry and violent with threats to kill each other. I would be sick those nights throwing up. Ron told them he wouldn’t have it. For some reason they respected him and agreed to his rules. Hugs. Scottie
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