My own doctors have been pushing for 8 years that I need a neurologist. It got much worse after I had my stroke in 2023. But I put it off. But I have seen Ron decline. I admit that the string of numbers I need to put in due to two factor authentication. I need Ron to read them to me, or I have to keep refreshing them as I can’t remember the numbers. I also am dyslexic on numbers. I have never been able to spell but also numbers are not my friends.
But while my doctor has said I need a neurologist due to the lost of strength on my left side due to my stroke, and the ever increasing tremors, and while I have a standing order for an MRI on my left shoulder due to a spasm that my doctor thinks tore my rotator cuff. I put it off. Glad I did.
Ron has been failing mentally for years. I took over the bills a decade ago because he said it was too much for him … I have seen the writing on the wall. Now at 70 I have to often remind him of things, make sure he puts appointments into the calendar. He will open food and walk away leaving it on the counter, he struggles to understand why some of his lapses upset me, always promising to do better … then repeating it.
When it comes to construction issues he is spot on, but now on cooking he comes to me confused. When Ron met me and moved in I had eggs and hot dogs in my refrigerator, it was all I knew how to cook, he taught me all I know. Now he comes to me confused asking what I think we should do. To be clear he understands he is losing memory and time and it terrifies him. He has begged me that if he ever has Alzheimer’s that I will kill him. But he is simply forgetful. I have to get up and check the security system after he goes to bed, but also I have made my own mistakes in my nighttime pills when I am exhausted. I am not sure where this is going to go. I did not think the problem was as bad as this doctor did, but when Ron told me the tests he took … I couldn’t pass them either. We are older people. So … Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
Hi, Scottie! I am feeling so sorry for the issues you have. Getting older isn’t easy, and wasn’t it all over the time. Don’t forget to take care for yourself, or you can’t take care for others. Don’t hurry, don’t worry. You can take all the time you need. Best wishes, Michael
LikeLiked by 3 people
Hi Michael. I thank you for being a long time supporter who used to export our posts. Funny aside, someone contacted me and told me I was being exploited by you for posting our content. I had to gently explain you were doing us a grand favor for reposting. I thank you again I for all those reposts. It really boosted the channel.
As for now and rest. Oh friend it has gone beyond that. I know you and the community will give me space if I just felt all I could do was watch videos and not post for a while. But now I am looking at my long time life mate staring at serious mental decline in the face with a doctor telling him it is more than simple aging. I felt that was what it was and what I put my decline to, that and my stroke in 2023.
But while my doctors keep telling me I need a neurologist for my issues, Ron’s decline has been worse and faster. So he went to the Neurologist it scared both of us. We still need the tests, but he thinks Ron is having far more serious issues than simple aging. So as we are poor in a country with for profit healthcare, I must put my own needs aside to help my older husband. Again thank you for your input and being a long time supporter. Hugs
LikeLiked by 2 people
My pleasure, Scottie! Take care, you have not to run a marathon. Honestly, whoever would be so crazy doing that. Lol Thanks for your always great information. Best wishes to you and also Ron. Best wishes, Michael
LikeLiked by 2 people
🫂
LikeLiked by 2 people
please have Ron (and yourself) tested for memory. It could be simply becoming older…but what ron is going through sounds increasingly like senile dementia…or a hardening of the grain due to age. It causes one to lose the ability to complete simple functions…like cooking, or remembering to set alarms. There are medications to assist with that. And if the testing shows Alzheimer’s, there are meds for the early stages that hold it off from its inevitable progression. Time to be proactive about your health Big Guy…we who love you are here for you.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Hi Suze. Yes. I reread the post and realized that when I wrote it I was so tired I was not clear. I need to wait on anything for me dealing with mental decline and dealing with my tremors. The neurologist found big issues with Ron’s examine and it has both of us worried. We just had to look all over the house for his Apple box remote which I found in his chair. He got up to get a bowl of cereal, but then … His new doctor wants a brain MRI, and other tests. Ron came home and said he failed several place your fingers here then there. We are constantly looking for his phone so I added find a phone. He used to forget his phone in the car at night until I started asking him for it when he came home. He often tends to leave his keys in the car, so again we have a list. Now the dang things is even with organizers he forgets to take his evening pills. But I have to be careful as I often mess up my evening pills when I am very tired. But the new doctor thinks he has some serious mental issues and he is terrified about it. I tried telling him it is normal for us at our age … but he is scared. He has a bunch of tests and stuff to do. That is what I failed to make clear in my post. How do I care for him if he does have future issues with dementia or Alzheimer. It scares me. Hugs
LikeLiked by 4 people
Maybe you guys can discuss that honestly this weekend, writing things down, and letting someone (Randy?) know where the paper is for later on, just in case. It seems to work out that when one is prepared, one does not need to be prepared, if that makes sense. It won’t hurt for both of you to tell the other what you want on the chance that you may not be able to tell later. Then neither of you will have to be as apprehensive of these things that do happen to most people.
Not trying to be bossy! Just saying.💖
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hi Ali. What you are talking about is end of life planning. We have all that in writing in our safe. We have living wills, we have power of attorney’s for states that may have issues with our same sex marriage, we don’t have a will made up by an attorney but we have written up a document on what happens if one of us dies or both do.
As for when life has ended. Ron originally had a list of things he wanted to be done, where he wanted his ashes spread. Now he has a much simpler plan. There is one more spot in a five spot plot bought by his parents in a local cemetery in NH. His parents and his brother Loring are buried in that plot. His sister he is so close too is also going to be buried there. She offered the last plot to him.
He has offered to go up to NH to help her paint the little second home she bought there to be near family as she lives in Texas. She only goes in the summers to NH. One of the reasons Ron is going is to see if they can put two cremated bodies in that one plot. If Ron is inturned with family he will have someone to oversee his grave site. If we are interned down here we are alone with no family. As for me I have no family, and only Ron and Randy would bother to care for a grave plot. The truth is we have separate plans for what our plans are if one of us dies before the other. Our income together is enough for us to keep this home and live here. One income alone won’t allow this. So we each have plans.
Now to Ron’s trip north. It is 1,500 miles. It needs to be done in three days. He gets in a big hurry on the way home and tries to do it in two. The last time he went up for Loring’s funeral. He drove like he always did. But the last few trips up every other year he has needed both the nav system and me to be on the phone advising him of upcoming turns. This time he was going to fly. But with what has happened since tRump became president I don’t like the idea of flying nor does Ron. The best thing would be if I could go with him. But I can not go.
Not because of my health, the car has heated seats would help with my pain. But we have two cats. One we have never let outside and is terrified of every one but us. The other was first an inside cat that lost his home and lived outside for years. We brought him in and over time taught him he had a home again. He goes in and out during the day but is in all night. Both cats eat at odd hours and have incontinence and bowel issues. It would require someone to live in our home mostly 24 X 7 until we got home. Ron understands we don’t have anyone to ask for that. Boarding them is also no possible.
The car was bought with every bell and whistle including all the electronics now common. Lane assist, drive tired assist, camera’s and collision alerts, and adaptive cruise control with settable distances from the car ahead of you. There is more but I can’t think of them of the top of my head. We got it because he was still working then and falling asleep on the way home.
One last thing would be for his sister to come down here from NH, drive up there with him then return with him and fly back to NH. That makes no sense. But with his forgetfulness … can he do the drive? I hate this situation but I know he needs to go and do this. Hugs.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well, not the end of life, but the pre-end of life. Sometimes there is time before the end, but a person isn’t able, or is not able to advocate for themself strongly enough, and that’s when you would step in to say, “He says he doesn’t want that. He wants this.” Or, if it’s just the 2 of you around the house, and it’s been one of those days, whichever of you is the caregiver can remember the conversation and know where things really stand as to care or whatever, even as there is stress happening because of frustration.
Then again, people tell me I prepare way too much, so maybe as you were. I’m a person who, when I hear (read) “what will I do,” I think of things to prepare. I’ve just always been hyper-ready! There are other names for that, I’m aware.😈
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hi Ali. Thank you again and I should say you are not being bossy. But I felt I answered your question with the below.
We have living wills, we have power of attorney’s for states that may have issues with our same sex marriage, we don’t have a will made up by an attorney but we have written up a document on what happens if one of us dies or both do.
We do not depend on the rights given by the courts for same sex marriage. For example can you imagine what the hell spawn would do if contacted about me in a medical crisis.
We have all the documents. I may ask Ron to go to a lawyer and pay the fee for making them even more legal. I remember in 1990 we had a same sex couple who had one die. The person who died family never accepted the gay together thing and came in and legally took everything of value out of the home they shared. Ron understands what the hell spawn would try to do if they could. So we have protected ourselves. But as you questioned it, I see we need a real lawyer and more legal recent documents to prove it.
I remember in the ICU sitting at a desk as rounds were happening and a doctor who wore his super Catholic virtues on his shirt. He would brag constantly of how often he was invited to the local bishop’s home, how he went for a month each year to the Vatican to spend time with the Pope.
This gay couple had legal documents giving the husband control over the patient’s medical care, yet this doctor refused to let the patient’s husband to attend the rounds on him. He was caught calling the family trying to get them to override the legal documents of the gay couple. When legal in the hospital told him to stop, that he couldn’t do that, and that it was illegal … he withdrew not only himself but his entire company from the care of the patient leaving the hospital and us in the ICU scrambling to find a qualified doctor to cover the care for the patients. That asshole decision cost his company as they were not renewed on their contract, but they kept bragging how a Christian company they were.
So Ron and I worked with this guy and his associates who constantly preached to us. That is how deep their Christian love went, so we crafted our documents to avoid it. But again as you say it might be time to use a new lawyer to draw up those old documents and the new ones done without a lawyer. Thanks Ali. Scary times for non-cis, non-straight, non-white people. Hugs
LikeLiked by 1 person
OK. Yes, as to documents you need to help each other, I understood that. I originally felt that you guys had that done long ago, or when you got married.
What I mean is if one of you is present, but disabled or not able to speak, but death is not imminent but treatment management is necessary. Or maybe one is still “there”, but has no memory of knowledge of what they wanted as to treatment.
For instance, I think of my inlaws, compared to my own marriage. We both agreed the other should get help in, every day, to care for the other one if something happened and we couldn’t care for ourselves without a lot of time, effort, etc. My inlaws wanted each other to carry all of that until the caregiver was physically unable to do it or the cared for died. They wanted to never call hospice until death was imminent, or the doctor said to call for quality of care. We, on the other hand, agreed we pretty much want hospice involved early on if there is an illness or injury that is life-changing, just so that quality is there until death is imminent. Of course we want them then, too! 😀
I know you don’t think I’m bossy, but I feel like I stuck my nose in too far, plus wasn’t clear about what I meant. I apologize for that, and I appreciate your patience with me, and your openness in discussing this. Mostly, and what I should have said initially, is that I hope all will be well for you both, and that you don’t have to find out what you’ll do if Ron fails in some fashion.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Ali, never fear. Your talking with me on this shows you care, and I appreciate that. I have seen the thing you are talking about. Trust me we won’t let it get that far, nor destroy our relationship. It does mean no matter the pain or how bad the struggle I have to step and do more around the house. For example with my torn up shoulders I can’t run the vacuum more than five minutes and Ron does the floors. But I have been trying to do it one room or area at a time / day. I do much more cooking, I do the dishes most days. We have a routine for when he leaves the house. Ron do you have your watch, phone, wallet, keys, lists. So I understand when you say we may soon need help. Right now Ron is good driving around during the day, but like I said now we do the groceries together. Anyway we will get through this. Together. Thanks again. Hugs
LikeLike
you simply get the help you need. If it is alzheimer’s, he will eventually have to go into a care home as you are not equipped to care for him then. They are not all bad. If it is simply age-related demtia (horrible sounding words, but is the name for old people’s i forget everything stage), he can be cared for at home. One thing George did for his father…who had dementia, was to place notes on doors, mirrors, cupboards etc with simple instructions. Ex on the garage door to the house :do you have your keys and phone? if not, get them out of the car and bring them inside”, or on the bathroom mirror “did you take your pills?” it helped enormously. George also added a special ringtone to dad’s phone in the calendar app to ring for medication alerts. You will also need to eventually contact a local aging office (they are everywhere now) for help. Hang in there sweetie. Help is always available. I wish there was something I could tell you to alleviate Ron’s fears, but there isn’t. Maybe learning all he can from your various doctors will ease his mind.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Suze. Oh Suze thank you. I was afraid no one understood how scare or bad this could get for us. To know you lived through it means a lot. We don’t have a lot of resources, only a small 20 grand savings and a 50 grand death pay out for my life insurance.
“… was to place notes on doors, mirrors, cupboards etc with simple instructions”. Thank you I had not thought of that. The weird thing is on construction stuff he is spot on, yet can’t seem to understand his Apple TV box.
Every day before he left the house for work I had to repeat the same refrain. “Watch, Wallet, Phone, Badge, Keys, and then the needed things for him to do his job”. Or he would get to work without them. But that was prior 2020 when he got involuntarily retired. Now when he leaves the house I have to ask … “do you have your watch, phone, wallet, and keys”. And most times he will have to come in to get one or the other. But a lot of time he already has them.
Look I once started out to a doctor’s appointment, got to the end of our street, turned around and came home to get my wallet. Is this any different? Today he went to Home Depot and bought the supplies and built a security cage around the only window we had unsecured, the shed window. He had plans to replace it but I told him this morning I dreamed a couple of people pushed the window in and were passing his tools out the now open window.
I suggest rebar because I don’t know anything about construction but he loved the idea. He told me he could hide it and secure it under the siding of the house and make any opening too small for people but free exchange of air. My point being he took my dream as a warning, went out and bought the needed stuff, built the iron cage for the window and also built a new screen window for it.
How can that man be mentally ill? He took my dream and made securing it a fact. Yes he said he had not thought of rebar but once I mentioned it he realized it was perfect for the job.
Also if he is suffering from a mind issue I must admit I am also. I had a damn stroke in 2023 that I have not recovered from. And as I write this I realize everything is an attempt to deny reality. I do not want this to be our future. His mother’s greatest fear was she would lose her mental ability, her son has that. I really am not the same, I lost my mind in 2014 when my abuse overwhelmed me and it took Ron, Randy, doctors to bring me back in to being willing to live.
Am I in denial? How much do I overlook? How much do I excuse? I am scared !!! Hugs
LikeLiked by 2 people
I think that most of your fears, while being valid, are because you simply do not KNOW what is going on with Ron (or yourself for that matter) Once you have a firm diagnosis things will begin falling into place for you both. There are multiple social organizations that offer assistance at no cost to you or Ron, and your doctors can get you started with a list. It is sounding more and more like Ron has simple dementia, and not Alz…and if so, that while difficult, is easier than Alz. Hang in there hun, get all those tests done and try to remember to breathe.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Suze. The notes are a grand idea. We have talked about putting alarms on Ron’s phone to remind him to take his pills. We will get more information after he gets the tests done. Thanks again. Hugs
LikeLiked by 1 person