OK as everyone knows, I am not functioning well. I don’t see very well and there are things I’m not getting to. Comments. I promise soon I will get to more comments simply because I like them.
But because I talk about my abuse a lot and I think I shouldn’t talk about it so much, a question was asked. A scary question. Am I suicidal?
I am a lot of things but no, I am not suicidal. I have a lot of self-hatred thoughts going on, and I desperately want to self harm. That desire has been growing all year. I keep finding ways to deny it, but I admit it is getting worse.
Self harm. Even now I look next to me and I see my trusted Jack knife that made so many prior cuts. And I really want to reach for it off the shelf. It would be so easy; it is right there.
Yet no! It is not time. But do I want to? Oh yes!!! I really do! But how to move forward with my wanting to do this. One step at a time. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
I’m glad someone asked. I was concerned but couldn’t find the words. I found reassurance in your comment about warning your guy before you did anything.
My understanding of self-harm is that it introduces a distraction in the form of a more manageable pain. I don’t know, I just read that somewhere.
In this context, I encourage you to write about what you’re going through in flashbacks and what not as long as it helps you. Anyone who can’t deal with your posts can skip them with a trigger warning. So you’ll be hurting no one and, hopefully, helping yourself.
(you can’t even novelize this bastard, you’d get CPS down on your ass asking where you saw this and didn’t report!)
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Hi MDavis. Randy was a lifeline when I needed it. I think of all the hours he gave and sacrificed to keep me safe. It wouldn’t be right to self harm without letting him know I had started again. He would try to talk me out of it I know, but he would understand. But I can resist, I can fight back, I can distract myself. For now. And you are correct it is illegal to write it up in a tell all book because the acts I would have to describe would be called, well, you know. The best I can do is voice it here. Hugs
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Suicide is giving up. If you were going to suicide, you would not be here today. I have told you how I saved myself. Choose to try it, or choose not to. But make a choice, don’t push it away. Do you want to love yourself?
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Hi Rawgod. I need to go over your comments again. You ask, Do I love myself? No, I don’t think I do. I adore my husband, care deeply for the cat. I am not sure how I feel about myself. I spent 23 years being told how worthless I was and that I was only good for being used and hurt. It seems some of it stuck deep inside me. The real question you asked was, Do I want to love myself? I don’t know. Hugs
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In my experience, too many pople are very happy being whoever they think they are.
I think life is about learning who you are, and making the necessary changes to make yourself the person you want to be.
I highly doubt you want to be your inner child, the scared victim. You eant to be a whole man, operating in a rotten world. Did you ever study Carl Rogers in school? He designed a triangle to describe levels of being. I cannot remember all the lower levels, but the top level was the “self-activated” person. The person who consciously questions their traits and characteristics. I studied him about 40 years ago or more. He was right more than he was wrong. In his words I had been self-activating myself since 1969. That was when I started examining what kind of person I was, not a really bad person, but I did have some bad traits I will not go into this here and now, but at the time I saw the potential to become my abuser–I knew how to be him. But I did not want “to be him.” I knew he was an ugly person. Since I was young I hated him. It was during an acid trip I discovered I discovered that like the old hippie motto said, “Be whoever you want to be, do whatevernyou want to do, as long as you don’t (intentionally) hurt anyone (or any living being.)” (I added the words in parentheses) to make the motto more specific according to my vision of who I wanted myself to be. It really wasn’t that hard, once I determined who I wanted to be. I studied myself, and worked to get rid of my bad and unlikeable traits and replace them with traits I admired in other people OR those I chose that I wanted to become. It didn’t happen all at once, but I stuck to me task, and Carl Rogers would have called me a self-activated person. I not only liked the new me, I found that I could love me (not in an egotistical way) for being a person I could respect and be proud of being. No
I did not succeed in chsnging all my bad traits, some were too ingrained in me, but I found ways to warn myself when I was not being nice to others. And I changed myself to slow down, examine what I was doing, and change my intentions. The more I did that the easier it became. I really wanted to be a nice person so I did what I had to do. That was when I discovered the “sticky note” method I have described to you. In effect it is a form of self-hypnosis. The more you tell yourself who you want to be, the easier it will be to become who you choose to be.
And I am still doing that today 56 years later. I do love who I made myself to be, but it is an ongoing process. And if I could do this, anyone can. It just takes some willpower, and some determination.
And along the way, I discovered at one point that Carl Rogers’ triangle did not stop at self-actualization, that was only one level along the way. I added at least 6 more levels, though I cannot remember what I called them. The main idea is that there is always something to discover about myself, and ALWAYS a way to overcome the new roadblock, no matter how small it is.
My newest discovery it that getting older it is easier to slip back into old ugly patterns, that person is always there hiding, waiting for an opportunity to take charge. So now I have to be even more on guard to remain the person I choose to be. Someone said Learning is a lifetime chore, or something like that. I would say learning to be who you want to be is easy, maintaining that in ALL situations is a lifelong journey.
My main sticky note was: Examine Myslf. Learn Myself. Be myself. Be! And I guess I should add: Maintain Myself. Evolution is hard. Devolution is very easy.
And: Change is the only constant in life. The only constant in life is change.
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Sorry. It is very late at night, almost morning. My proofreading was not done well.
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Hi Rawgod. Now I think I understand. Here is a short version of my life. I was adopted at 3 years old. The abuse started right as soon as they got me to their home. At 18 I went into the military, did five years. Came back to the same town, got a good job, and rented a place. I was 23. They tried to force me to live with them, I refused. I knew the abuse would start up again, I was in great shape, a thin small boyish looking guy just out of the army, I figured they would traffic me again.
I was raped for four days by the oldest Hellspawn sibling who was 11 years older than me and he kept me in his semi naked for four days. I stayed in the bunk and every time the truck stopped he used me. Either he raped me or I gave him a blowjob. He liked to fuck me more, so he mostly raped me. I became the little boy I was so long ago. People have asked why I did not try to escape or tell someone. I was a little boy who was constantly told that was all I was good for again in my head. That was the last time I let myself be alone with any of them. He was so angry when he called me to demand I go out with him again for another trip a few weeks later and I refused.
I bought my own home at 25 and when I was 27 met Ron. We stayed in that town in our home for about 4 years. Then Ron realized more and more how horrific these people were and that any interaction with them caused me great stress. He did not know what I had not told him but he suspected abuse. We sold the home and moved to Florida. By then my interactions with the adoptive parents and siblings was few and sparse, doing only visits I couldn’t get out of.
I understand very well wanting to improve yourself. From the time I left the home where I was abused and joined the military I promised myself I wouldn’t be like my abusers. They would hurt anyone for a slight advantage over someone else. I often wondered if they could really know love. But I was getting very destructive since I moved back; I was drinking a lot, I was angry, and I had a bad temper I could barely control. I saw I was becoming what they were, and I did not want that. I was driving Ron away from me. I vowed to myself to change.
And I did change. I became stronger than them. I became a better human than they could ever even think of being. I care for others; I defend those who need it. I am willing to suffer so others have what they need. I will be a better Scottie today than I was yesterday. I liked who I was working to become. Ron and I grew closer as I removed the rage and hate from myself. I still struggle with my temper, but I rarely lose control over it anymore. But do I love me? Can I love me? I just don’t know. Hugs
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Hi Scottie.
We are often complex creatures filled with fears, doubts and triggers all so tangled up it is hard to know where the moods or thoughts have started from.
Where do any of these come from? A traumatic past will always be a cause and you Scottie have carried yours with courage and strength through out the yours when you could have turned to a very destructive path in this I have always admired your fortitude Scottie.
I do not believe you are suicidal and it may, just may be that the self-harm thoughts you are having are coming from the anger and fears which old memories bring. They can manifest in unexpected ways, such as the current thoughts being blocks to the horrendous memories you carry. Like I said, the mind is a complex thing.
These ideas of mine, you understand come not from some of training more of personal experiences and a very low level PTSD, which in itself has tricky and evasive possibilities to pin down- I’m still working on that.
I am deeply sorry this has been haunting you when you have the good news concerning your operation and some measure of freedom it brought to you.
How to move forward?
This may sound trite, it is not, it is forged from some bitter times (long stories) – basically the mantra is ‘I’m not done yet’….I know it might not sound much, but personally sometimes dwelling on it sure does get me through the day.
Sheila and I will be thinking of you Scottie.
All our dearest wishes to you and Ron
Roger & Sheila
🌈🙏
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Hi Roger. Thanks for the suggestions. The memories have become so constant as nightmares at night that I seem to spend more time laying in bed processing them and trying to deal with them than sleeping. I think of my husband whose world was rocked when he realized how bad my childhood really was. He has suffered watching me suffer. He will get up at night if I have left the bed to come ask me if I am ok. He would be left alone in a hard world to live in if I went away. I can’t do that. I have a responsibility to him; I adore him. I will not leave him alone. I learned to use handles to fight back against the vortex that threatens to consume me inside it. Ron is one of those handles. I worked hard to remove anger and rage from inside me. I still struggle with it. But I removed hate from me. I won’t let it back in; it is a poison that harms me more than those it is directed at. Hugs
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Hi Scottie.
Your words demonstrate the great treasure which true love is. Your devotion to Ron is such that you strive, bravely I might add, to ensure you do not hurt him. This in itself is a beautiful thing, a most precious handle.
You have done well to remove the hate ; that is another brave and selfless thing to have done, for hate corrodes, I have a few struggles with it.
You are a brave, hardworking man Scottie. Strive on. Strive on. I have confidence in you.
Bes wishes
Roger & Sheila
🌈🙏
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