Category: Abuse

I am torn

I stayed up late for me last night, then Tupac’s tummy feed me alarm went off at 3:21.  So as Ron was already awake he got up to feed him which normally I do.  But I couldn’t fall back asleep.  So I got up an hour later.   Then I answered a few emails.   Then I opened the Male Survivor site that I have become very involved in.  But before I could address the new posts there, I had an incoming voice over internet call.  I spent an hour on that, talking with someone who needed me, someone I like and have a lot in common with.  Then Ron got up late as he did not sleep well and it is dark and gloomy here with the storm. 

Then I went back to my blog and started reading posts before I lost more of them.  Halfway through I switched to comments and replied to them up to date so I wouldn’t lose them as I love comments.  I learn a lot from the comments.

But as the day wore on I realized that I still had not read or dealt with the MS site posts I had open in another tab, so I switched to it.  I spent 2 hours there reading others posts and adding my two cents worth, sometimes including my own abuse.  I can do that freely there knowing no one will judge me or be shocked.  To then return to my blog and start reading blogs of others …

To have an abuse survivor contact me via secured Session.  He had some things to talk to me about so I went on voice chat.  His concerns were legitimate and we talked for a long time until I really had to pee, so we ended the call.  I like talking to him on this format, I just wish I had more time.  But I am so tired right now.  I have so many things I wanted to do today I did not get to.  I had wanted to watch another episode of Picard, we bought them but I never have time to watch them.  It seems I am running from one thing to the next.   

Last night Ron woke me apologetically saying I was making sounds in my sleep and he was worried I was moving into a bad dream.  I was, but I only thanked him without telling him what I was dreaming of.  OK, I really need to go to bed.  If I have missed getting to a post you have made or by my dogs that love gravy missed a comment you made, I apologize.  I am just stretched really thin right now.  I have bitten off more than I can chew as they say.  Hugs.  Scottie

Men Need To Talk About Their Sexual Abuse | Seth Shelley | TEDxUNBC

One of the guys on the MS blog shared this with all of this.   Hugs.  Scottie

Pastor Seth Shelley takes us on an emotional and at times difficult journey about male sexual violence. He brings forward his own story of sexual assault to ask men to open up about their personal stories too. Recorded at TEDxUNBC in Prince George, BC.

Seth speaks to an issue common around the world, sexual assault. However, it is men who also need to share their stories of abuse. Far too many men are silent about their own stories of trauma and eventual healing. It is our society’s ideas around masculinity which prevent men from opening up, and steal their narratives from them. Only through sharing with friends and family do we reclaim our stories for ourselves.

Israeli Soldier BOASTS Of War Crimes – They Couldn’t Be Prouder Of Genocide

Never stop being shocked by this.

I am struggling with nightmares of something I don’t know if I should share with you.

There is something that has been preying on my mind and it is effecting my sleep and my day, every day.   It is not critical yet.  I started the post then sent it to draft.  The issue is my memories of two of the methods used to punish me when I was 3 until the family moved about when I turned 7 years old.   It is painful to think of and I know it will be even more painful for those who read it who did not live my childhood.  I started a post and then shoved it into drafts until I could decide to publish it. 

Here is the thing.  I have come to care about my viewers, and I really have learned to care about people, all people, every person in some way since my miserable childhood.  I have learned to see most people as good, and learned the hard way to recognize those that are not.     I try to find the best in people, try to find a way to understand them. 

I know if I write out what is inside me, it will hurt people, the people who come here.   I have even hesitated to put it on the Male Survivor forums I belong to as there are a bunch of new people struggling and I don’t want to trigger them.  I reached out to a good online friend there who had been pimped out all his childhood, professionally from 9 until 24 when he ran away.  Like me right from his earliest memories after being adopted he was abused and sexualized.  I asked him if he thinks I should write it and post it.  I will look for his response tomorrow.   

But while I may put it there, the question I have is should I put it here.   There are new people here also, and there are new authors, Ali and Randy.  Their followers may be shocked by what my childhood was and leave the viewership.  I am confused, I am hurting, and I am struggling with this.   I always used my blogs before to tell of my abuse before I even told Ron about them.  But now I am torn.  I want to get this out, yet I want to protect people.  

Ok wonderful people who come here and read our posts.  What do you think, please be honest.  Should I write what I am feeling, what is bothering me here, or try to keep it bottled up inside me and maybe only share it there on MS?  Thanks.  I do care about each of you.  Best wishes and / or Hugs as you prefer.  Scottie

Israelis Riot In Support Of Torture

I should explain

Hello Everyone.  As everyone knows my blog means a lot to me, I have used blogging the friends it brought me as a help against all the bad memories I have in my life.  But for the last three weeks I couldn’t really do the blog and today at nearly 1 pm, after being at the computer since 3:30 am, I am just now starting to get to the comments I love.  

I went to bed yesterday after a grand meal of a steak and large salad.  Even though I did not finish all the steak but did eat the entire salad is because I just don’t eat like I use to, I now eat like an older person.  But it was great and grand.  But after, I went to bed about four pm.  

I woke on and off until 1:30.  I tried to go back to sleep but at 3 am Ron’s rescue cat tummy feed me alarm went off so I got up to feed him.  At 3:30 I got to my computers.  Then I went to the Male survivor site.  I found I had several private messages and a bunch of replies to what I wrote before.  Plus there were 20 more posts.  I read them and replied to those I had something to add to the thread.  Plus it is not just one person, every person is adding their thoughts and we all add our responses to them.  It took me until 10 am this morning to clear it all out.  Then I had to lay down and I slept for an hour and half.  

When I got up, I went to the admin on my blog and checked the posts from Ali and Randy.  I set them up in tabs to like, add comments to, or just read.  I love that both Ail and Randy are adding their thoughts here.  First it makes sure there is content when I can not get to it, and second what they both post is their ideas, their concerns, and different from what I might post.  As Ron says it broadens the blog to give a far more diverse reason for people to come visit.   Not to steal from the Christian or other holy books, but I looked on it and find it good.   😛😀😁😍😎

I have been feeling dragged out and tired.  But I am hoping as the cold fades and I have more energy I can do better at handling both the blog and the other sites.  I hate the feeling that there is simply not enough of me, and both Ron and Randy are worried about the time I am spending on the abuse site, immersed in others abuse and reliving mine.  They are afraid it will cause me a relapse into depression on my own abuse.  Yes it is possible I have already had bad dreams and been fighting that at night.   

One guy was abducted at age 7, tortured and abused to be made a sex toy for a cult leader.  Scary stuff, after a few years he was rescued, but still finds himself hitting himself if he doesn’t refer to the guy who abused him as master.  He hits himself before he can stop it. Then he simply gave himself to anyone who demanded it or told him to please him. As a teen and young adult he simply lived in a house with no clothing thinking he had a boyfriend who loved him, but instead the guy would invite friends over and they used him when ever they felt like it.   He got to the point that no matter what he was doing guys who were friends with his “boyfriend” simply would grab him and fuck him or tell him to drop down to suck them off.  I understand the trained behavior, I was trained to it also.  But most of mine stopped when the hell spawn left the house, only the adults were left to use me and occasionally the hell spawn came back or took me to their home to service them.  One took me out in his semi and forced me to “please” him when he parked in a truck stop.  I was an adult maybe 26 and still had not learned to tell them no.  I never went out in his truck again no matter how much he tried to get me to.   

The victim and I spend hours talking, writing back and forth.  He wants more like a video call or phone call, but I have explained to him those things trigger me.   Even now at 61 there are only two people in my life I feel comfortable / OK talking to on the phone, I still resonate with the beatings to never touch a phone as a child.  I do much better on a computer or video app on the phone like FaceTime, because I don’t have to look like I am holding a phone to myself, getting open for an angry beating.  But with ear buds it works also. 

So right now I am tired.  Again, I am going to lay down a few minutes because I can not finish this, my eyes are crossing.  Yhrrn —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Several hours later …   I just got up.   What happened is along with my normal medication I took a med my doctor wanted me to try that is also given to MS patients.  Ron has it at a much smaller dose.  He wanted me to try it with my other when my muscles hurt or spasms more than I could stand with my regular medication.  I took a half one.  When it kicked in, my eyes crossed and I felt so tired, needing to lay down.  Once the med cleared my system after a few hours I feel fine again but I will say my pain and spasms are much better.  I got so foggy I wrote the last above the line before I went to bed.  I decided to leave it in.   

So the day is gone by, I have not posted or replied to comments, I have not helped Ron much around the house.  I plan to make a sauce tomorrow.  I did not even post my meme post this week, but I have not added to it in four days until today.  So I think I will hold it a few days, or at least until tomorrow afternoon.  

I thank everyone for hanging on here, to listening to me, Ali, or Randy.  I feel so much better since I got up, I am going to go to the blog and reply to comments that are there I have not lost yet.  As always to those who posted a comment I missed, reposted it or use my email listed to get my attention to it.  Know I love you.  This is a minor hiccup that is going to work itself out soon.   Hugs.  Scottie

 

 

Sorry I have been gone all day yesterday and most of today. Please let me explain.

So the other day I was so tired I couldn’t function.  Ron got home after driving straight through to get home that night, so I was up until midnight after getting up at 3 am the morning before.   So I was in no shape to blog.  So I spent the day with my hubby after he got home from being on a long trip to bury his brother and seeing his family.  Then I got up this morning at 3 am, and after feeding the cats I went on the MS site I always check first.  I have been sharing and helping others on the site and have started to get quite a few doing private chats with me.  They say I am kind, caring, and nice to talk to … I will take it.  

But just before I was to get off there and go to my blog, a guy showed up blaming his once … unwanted … blow job from a man overturning his entire life and now he is anti gay people, rainbow flags, pride, and any showing of gays in society because they are all abusers and child molesters.  He went on at length about how abusive and dysfunctional gay people were, how they were flaunting themselves in an abusive way in society, so on and so on.  Remember he is in a site for males abused as children sexually and in other ways.  

Anyone who knows me knows I can not resist such shit.  He threatened right in his first post that if people said he needed therapy, he was bi or searching, or that he was a bigot then he was gone.  I was like OK.  I answered every paragraph he wrote, telling him he needed help professionally on some, telling him that because he says he now had thoughts of sex with men that he might be seeking and should again talk to professionals about it, as that is not the way sexual assaults work.  One forced blow job doesn’t make a man who only thought of women before gay.  I called out his bigotry when he posted how gays were now in schools with rainbow stickers to make kids gay.  I even outright asked him if he was a troll.   We will see.  But I have been there on that site since basically 3 am to now nearly 1 pm.   I am going to skip posts and go right to comments.  Again like always if I missed your comment because it dropped off the list please resubmit it, I will do my best to reply.   Hugs Scottie

Miss Kansas reveals more about stunning statement that her abuser was in the audience

By Scottie Andrew, CNN  2 minute read  Updated 9:22 PM EDT, Mon July 22, 2024

(There was a time when this would not have been allowed to be spoken of within the pageant, even after VAWA passed. I’m glad we’ve managed to raise a few generations with more confidence than we had at their ages.)

https://www.cnn.com/2024/07/22/us/miss-kansas-abuser-domestic-violence-cec/index.html

Alexis Smith was crowned Miss Kansas last month. She wowed audiences when she told them that her abuser was in the audience, reinforcing her platform of ending domestic violence.

Alexis Smith was crowned Miss Kansas last month. She wowed audiences when she told them that her abuser was in the audience, reinforcing her platform of ending domestic violence. Miss America/AP/FileCNN — 

Being a pageant winner takes more than beauty and talent. The newly crowned Miss Kansas Alexis Smith showed that winning the title sometimes requires bravery, too.

Smith stunned the judges during her final interview at the Miss Kansas competition last month when she said that her abuser was in the audience.

It only reinforced the importance of her platform — “to eliminate unhealthy and abusive relationships.”

When asked about her vision for her tenure as Miss Kansas, Smith maintained her composure in a sparkly azure dress.

“Some of you out in this audience saw me very emotional, because my abuser is here today,” she said.

“But that’s not going to stop me from being on this Miss Kansas stage and from representing as the next Miss Kansas,” she continued to applause and cheers. “Because I and my community deserve healthy relationships.”

She provided more context in an Instagram post the month after her win. On the night of the pageant, she said, “someone I have been healing from tried to disrupt my peace.”

“Instead of falling into silence, I chose to live out my vision for a better world,” she wrote. “I took back my power — not just for myself, but for my dreams and everyone watching and listening.”

She added, “I’m ready to use my story, tools, and resources to end unhealthy relationships in all forms.”

Poliovirus Detected In Gaza Water Sources [VIDEO]

Poliovirus Detected In Gaza Water Sources [VIDEO]

July 21, 2024 News, Politics

 

Bloomberg News reports:

Humanitarian groups are considering a mass vaccination campaign for Palestinians in the Gaza Strip after traces of variant poliovirus type 2 were found in water sources in the war-torn territory. The disease was detected in six locations in Gaza, the World Health Organization said.

Geneva-based WHO said it was working with partners – including UNICEF and United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East (UNRWA) – to conduct a risk assessment. Polio vaccination rates in Gaza before the war were “optimal,” according to the organization.

Israel on Sunday confirmed the resurgence of the virus, which can be spread by contaminated water and direct person-to-person contact, and said it would offer booster shots to its soldiers operating in and around the Gaza Strip.

Read the full article.

https://x.com/AJEnglish/status/1814280276681322595

 

 

 

 

 

    

   

Set up for fail

The Democratic Party attacked and ate their own while the Republican Party celebrated and endorsed their convicted molester and criminal authoritarian thug candidate who is demonstrably cognitively impaired.   Need any more be said.  One party says reality be damned we just claim what we want and threaten those who disagree, the other party worries that they may hurt their own chances and doesn’t back their candidate out of fear.  Guess who will win in a war.  One party doesn’t give a shit what people think, doesn’t care one bit about reality, ignores and vilifies the press, the other party cowers and tries to please every interviewer with an agenda that won’t listen to their replies.  The media was desperate for a horse race, for more media clicks and interest in their posts / shows.  The democrats gave in to them.  The democrats caused tRump to win.  Hugs.  Scottie