As many here may know by now, I have PTSD and Intrusive Thoughts.  An intrusive thought is an unwelcome, involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate.  Everyone here has been very supportive as I have been having a surge in memories and issues with it.   Memories of humiliations, rapes, forced oral sex, and horrific punishments for a kid of 3 to nearly 8 years old. Things like rubbing alcohol poured into my stretched wide butt cheeks as I was held down nude, to let it flow over my anus to my tiny balls and dick.   Things like being tied to the stair banister with something that kept him head yanked up, blindfolded, hands either tied to the railings or through them so I couldn’t use them to help myself.  In that position the hell spawn would leave me to randomly come by to hit me, stick something in my butt, pinch me, put painfully cold objects or painfully hot ones on my sensitive areas including submerging my tiny genitals in them.  Anything to torture me and see me cry for hours.  The memories cause the bombardment of thoughts.  Suze here recommended a cortisol level check as that will make it harder to stop the thoughts.  She said there is medication to lower the level.  

I told Ron about her recommendation and Ron also agreed.  But unknown to me Ron was looking up a medication he takes, Sertraline.   Sertraline, sold under the brand name Zoloft among others, is an antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor class. The effectiveness of sertraline for depression is similar to that of other antidepressants, and the differences are mostly confined to side effects.  

I went to bed about 7 pm.  I couldn’t sleep.  When he came to bed at 9:30 pm, I told him I couldn’t sleep, that my mind wouldn’t slow down, the thoughts were feeling like constant bombs going off in my head.  As we lay there he was reading his tablet and I was trying hard to sleep.  I was occasionally spitting out a word here or there that I couldn’t stop and did not realize I did it until after it came out, I was involuntarily waving my hands like I was trying to push something away from me.  Again not knowing I was doing it until I did it.  That is when he said he had looked it up and it was also used to treat PTSD and intrusive thoughts.  He takes a very small dose of 50 mg he said.  I reminded him what happened when they tried to put me on those mood stabilizing / mind numbing drugs.  He said that he thought it was time for me to see someone again and start treatment before it get worse.  He had hoped it would pass and wain like it normally does, ramp up, spike, then drop down to manageable.  Now he was worried.  I told him I did not want the costs of a therapist right now, and I did not want to see one. He wanted me to call or message my primary care with the issue and see if they could handle the issue as his handles his anxieties.  

That is a big step.  Ron has not pushed me to see a therapist in a very long time.  Over a decade or so.  But I have this last year been telling him in detail the different things I remember and the abuse I suffered and from whom.  Before it was always the generalized, not specifics.  He doesn’t want me to return to a state where I am hyper vigilant, started in to flight or fight at every sound.  Unable to sleep and when I do, then screaming out in my sleep or begging not to be hurt.  He is worried I will get back to the point that if I am sleeping and he walks into the room I wake in fear ready to fight to defend myself, not yet aware of where I am.   So in the next few days I will do as he asks, and check in with primary care.   Hugs.  Scottie