I should explain

Hello Everyone. As everyone knows my blog means a lot to me, I have used blogging the friends it brought me as a help against all the bad memories I have in my life. But for the last three weeks I couldn’t really do the blog and today at nearly 1 pm, after being at the computer since 3:30 am, I am just now starting to get to the comments I love.

I went to bed yesterday after a grand meal of a steak and large salad. Even though I did not finish all the steak but did eat the entire salad is because I just don’t eat like I use to, I now eat like an older person. But it was great and grand. But after, I went to bed about four pm.

I woke on and off until 1:30. I tried to go back to sleep but at 3 am Ron’s rescue cat tummy feed me alarm went off so I got up to feed him. At 3:30 I got to my computers. Then I went to the Male survivor site. I found I had several private messages and a bunch of replies to what I wrote before. Plus there were 20 more posts. I read them and replied to those I had something to add to the thread. Plus it is not just one person, every person is adding their thoughts and we all add our responses to them. It took me until 10 am this morning to clear it all out. Then I had to lay down and I slept for an hour and half.

When I got up, I went to the admin on my blog and checked the posts from Ali and Randy. I set them up in tabs to like, add comments to, or just read. I love that both Ail and Randy are adding their thoughts here. First it makes sure there is content when I can not get to it, and second what they both post is their ideas, their concerns, and different from what I might post. As Ron says it broadens the blog to give a far more diverse reason for people to come visit. Not to steal from the Christian or other holy books, but I looked on it and find it good. 😛😀😁😍😎

I have been feeling dragged out and tired. But I am hoping as the cold fades and I have more energy I can do better at handling both the blog and the other sites. I hate the feeling that there is simply not enough of me, and both Ron and Randy are worried about the time I am spending on the abuse site, immersed in others abuse and reliving mine. They are afraid it will cause me a relapse into depression on my own abuse. Yes it is possible I have already had bad dreams and been fighting that at night.

One guy was abducted at age 7, tortured and abused to be made a sex toy for a cult leader. Scary stuff, after a few years he was rescued, but still finds himself hitting himself if he doesn’t refer to the guy who abused him as master. He hits himself before he can stop it. Then he simply gave himself to anyone who demanded it or told him to please him. As a teen and young adult he simply lived in a house with no clothing thinking he had a boyfriend who loved him, but instead the guy would invite friends over and they used him when ever they felt like it. He got to the point that no matter what he was doing guys who were friends with his “boyfriend” simply would grab him and fuck him or tell him to drop down to suck them off. I understand the trained behavior, I was trained to it also. But most of mine stopped when the hell spawn left the house, only the adults were left to use me and occasionally the hell spawn came back or took me to their home to service them. One took me out in his semi and forced me to “please” him when he parked in a truck stop. I was an adult maybe 26 and still had not learned to tell them no. I never went out in his truck again no matter how much he tried to get me to.

The victim and I spend hours talking, writing back and forth. He wants more like a video call or phone call, but I have explained to him those things trigger me. Even now at 61 there are only two people in my life I feel comfortable / OK talking to on the phone, I still resonate with the beatings to never touch a phone as a child. I do much better on a computer or video app on the phone like FaceTime, because I don’t have to look like I am holding a phone to myself, getting open for an angry beating. But with ear buds it works also.

So right now I am tired. Again, I am going to lay down a few minutes because I can not finish this, my eyes are crossing. Yhrrn —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Several hours later … I just got up. What happened is along with my normal medication I took a med my doctor wanted me to try that is also given to MS patients. Ron has it at a much smaller dose. He wanted me to try it with my other when my muscles hurt or spasms more than I could stand with my regular medication. I took a half one. When it kicked in, my eyes crossed and I felt so tired, needing to lay down. Once the med cleared my system after a few hours I feel fine again but I will say my pain and spasms are much better. I got so foggy I wrote the last above the line before I went to bed. I decided to leave it in.

So the day is gone by, I have not posted or replied to comments, I have not helped Ron much around the house. I plan to make a sauce tomorrow. I did not even post my meme post this week, but I have not added to it in four days until today. So I think I will hold it a few days, or at least until tomorrow afternoon.

I thank everyone for hanging on here, to listening to me, Ali, or Randy. I feel so much better since I got up, I am going to go to the blog and reply to comments that are there I have not lost yet. As always to those who posted a comment I missed, reposted it or use my email listed to get my attention to it. Know I love you. This is a minor hiccup that is going to work itself out soon. Hugs. Scottie

Sorry I have been gone all day yesterday and most of today. Please let me explain.

So the other day I was so tired I couldn’t function. Ron got home after driving straight through to get home that night, so I was up until midnight after getting up at 3 am the morning before. So I was in no shape to blog. So I spent the day with my hubby after he got home from being on a long trip to bury his brother and seeing his family. Then I got up this morning at 3 am, and after feeding the cats I went on the MS site I always check first. I have been sharing and helping others on the site and have started to get quite a few doing private chats with me. They say I am kind, caring, and nice to talk to … I will take it.

But just before I was to get off there and go to my blog, a guy showed up blaming his once … unwanted … blow job from a man overturning his entire life and now he is anti gay people, rainbow flags, pride, and any showing of gays in society because they are all abusers and child molesters. He went on at length about how abusive and dysfunctional gay people were, how they were flaunting themselves in an abusive way in society, so on and so on. Remember he is in a site for males abused as children sexually and in other ways.

Anyone who knows me knows I can not resist such shit. He threatened right in his first post that if people said he needed therapy, he was bi or searching, or that he was a bigot then he was gone. I was like OK. I answered every paragraph he wrote, telling him he needed help professionally on some, telling him that because he says he now had thoughts of sex with men that he might be seeking and should again talk to professionals about it, as that is not the way sexual assaults work. One forced blow job doesn’t make a man who only thought of women before gay. I called out his bigotry when he posted how gays were now in schools with rainbow stickers to make kids gay. I even outright asked him if he was a troll. We will see. But I have been there on that site since basically 3 am to now nearly 1 pm. I am going to skip posts and go right to comments. Again like always if I missed your comment because it dropped off the list please resubmit it, I will do my best to reply. Hugs Scottie

I Am

I am so incredibly tired. I am still suffering under the cold and yet have to set my alarms for 6 pm as then I have to give the cats their medications. I will talk later and do more comments. But I could barely eat half my supper / lunch. Night. Hugs. Scottie

I am done for the day. Sorry

Ron’s rescue cat howled between 2:30 and 3 am until I dragged my sleepy butt out of bed and fed him. Then he went back to bed. I couldn’t. I have to stay up for another hour until the sheets I washed due to said cat dry. Then I will lay down. I will try to get that cat in by 6 for the night, so I can go to bed. But I am done with news, angry with the democrats, and want to just watch Picard for an hour or so. I want to relax as I am very tired. See you tomorrow. Hugs. Scottie

More cold update

Some good news for a change. My cold is better, and I feel a little better. I woke up at 1:30 and first time in at least a week. I could swallow this morning even though my throat is still sore, it is not as bad as it has been. I have to go out and get some things and when I get back I hope to try posting some stuff. My mind is slowly clearing. Again thanks to Ali and Randy for keeping new things on the blog letting me rest and just watch videos. Videos are easier to understand when sick, and they are so much easier to post. I hope in a few days to be back up to full speed. Hugs. Scottie

cold update

I feel so crappy and just want to go to bed. But I can’t because Tupac peed as he was sleeping so I am washing them. Dang it. I hate feeling sick. Hugs. Scottie

A cold update

It looks like I am not going to die, I just feel like it. I am slowly oh so slowly feeling a bit better. I am still bringing up yellow phlegm and the sore throat is madding. Bad thing is last night I did not sleep all night. I went to bed at 6 pm, and slept until midnight. Woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. Tupac peed the bed again. So as bad as I feel, I am working to strip the bed, wash the sheets, remake the bed. I hope to get back to posting soon. Hugs.

My cold update

After taking the nighttime sleep medication, I slept. But I woke up this morning my throat so sore I could hardly breathe and I couldn’t swallow. I took daytime medication. I am very tired, sick to my stomach, temperature going from way too hot to freezing cold having chills. Hugs. Scottie

Today

Hi everyone. I am not going to post today. Maybe later a video or such. Nor am I going to be reading / liking other blogs. I hope later I can jump in and get to comments before they disappear from the cue, but no promises. Ron is traveling to NH for his last visit with his family and to intern his brother that died this spring. He felt the need to do this last trip at 69. I stayed home because I don’t travel well with my pain and I have to take care of the kids / cats, take care of the house including litter boxes, and handle the accounts / bills.

I am dealing with many letters and threads on Male Survivor, the abuse site I am a member of. It is causing me great distress while Ron is not here not to mention I feel overwhelmed, both at home and on both sites. One of our cats who sleeps on our bed is old and incontinent, so he pees the bed, sometimes poops. That leads to frequent stripping the bed, washing the sheets, making the bed. Ron normally helps and does the hard parts, he is not here. Scottie doing the job. Lucky his poops are very hard nobs so not sticky.

Sorry my point is simply I am suffering from a cold my loving wonderful husband blessed me with as he left for his trip, I am struggling to deal with the stuff on the MS site which is coming in as or faster than on my blog. We all try to support each other so … people there are reaching out to me. Just like people comment on the blog and I try to answer, I try to answer there. I am sick, tired, emotional not in a good place and overwhelmed. But I will overcome this in a few days.

No fear people this is not a cry for sympathy nor will I start cutting again. It is an explanation. I want you to know why I might not be around or posting for a few days. But don’t despair … there may be heroes waiting to jump in and save the day. We wait to see. Hugs with deep love, Scottie

A memory that has bothered me, been resurfacing repeatedly for weeks. Trigger warning !!!

Trigger warning what follows is about my abuse as a young, little boy. It is a painful memory that I have that may hurt others reading it.

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When I was little like 4 to 6 / 7 yrs old one of the things done to me by both the hell spawn siblings to cause me pain and make me compliant and by my adult AF (adoptive father) to make me more compliant was … using rubbing alcohol on my butt and little boy parts. Ok I have danced around it, I guess I have to explain.

I would be grabbed by the hell spawn when no one was around. It took at least two or three to do this. They would strip me of my clothing, knowing what was coming I tried to resist which really they liked because it showed how much more powerful they were than me. They would force me face down, with one / more holding my upper body down, and another pinning my legs down.

Trigger warning, last chance to bail on this, I sure wish I could, but this has been hitting me day and night so I have to get it out.

Once they had me pinned down, they would pry my clenched butt cheeks open. I would struggle to hold them closed with everything I had … but I always lost. Once they had my butt cheeks spread open, they would pour rubbing alcohol down my butt crack, letting it flow over my stretched butthole and over my tinny scrotum / little penis. I would cry, thrash, beg, … and it burned so bad. Often the hell spawn siblings would stop there unless one of them wanted to punish me more or one of the males wanted to prove a point. The adoptive father would do this sometimes if I did not willingly give him what he wanted. They / he would put his finger in rubbing alcohol and then rub it on my anus, my butt hole, then resoak their finger and jam it into me. I soon learned that when it was threatened to be a good and submit with no fight, to be the submissive fuck … doll, fleshlight, what ever, be the warm body they needed to come in, to humiliate. The memories hurt, but not as much as the pain of having rubbing alcohol poured over my anus, little balls and on my tiny penis. Or forced roughly into my sore asshole. I learned to not fight, to give in quickly and often. It was bad enough to have a penis, a dick thrust into me at that age with no lube and little prep, but to have such a painful substance put on it first … it was horrible.

This is the memory that has been disturbing my sleep and upsetting me during the day. Thank you for letting me express it, to try to get it out of my system. Hugs. Scottie