Category: Scotties Rants / Blog Information

My day, cat food cans, Ron sick

So we are taking care of three cats.   One full inside fat diabetic cat Named Odie, one inside / outside cat who is sort of gray with white paws also a white tiny mustache, who is named Tupac.  Then there is the totally feral untrusting outside cat we all call Smokey.  

We feed the inside cat three times a day as he wants with wet food.  At night we leave him with what ever wet food he did not eat to finish.

Tupac we feed as many times as he wants when he is in the house, he is very tiny and slim, we give him drops but if we miss them for a few days he starts to spot on stuff.   Often Tupac will come in and go straight to the bedroom rather than eat.  But he tends to spend most days inside with us, and nights unless it is really cold, outside with smokey.

Smokey seems to be a nearly feral female who distrusts most people or close quarters.   She has gotten to trust Ron and I enough to come with in a foot or so of our legs.  She will respond to our voice and come very close to us as long as we make no sudden movement.  She startles very easily.  So she eats her food, both dry and wet, on in the family room Ron built out of the carport.  The dance all these cats play is amazing to watch if you care for them.  

So while Ron and I pay for the vet bills for Tupac and Odie we have not gotten Smokey into a carrier to do so.  But to feed these three every time they demand food takes 90 cans of wet food plus a bunch of dry food.  

While Ron was getting Meow Mix for the family room dish, inside we have been giving Odie Fancy feast and mixing both for Tupac.  But today Ron came home and said he got two bags of food made by the companies that make the treaties we give the cats.  Temptations.  

I looked at the ingredients and stuff and it seems OK to me, but both / two bags were about the same amount we paid for one of the bags of Fancy Feast.   Hey if they eat it I am OK with that.  

So here is the real point of the post.  We go through about 3 cans a day which means is 90 a month.  Depending on how many days in the month or when we order, we sometimes order two of the 90 cans a month.  Each order costs us $78.74.  We get Fancy Feast Poultry and Beef Feast Classic Pate - (30) 3 oz. CansPurina Fancy Feast Seafood Classic Pate - (30) 3 oz. CansFancy Feast Poultry and Beef Feast Classic Pate Collection Grain Free Wet Cat Food Variety Pack - (30) 3 oz. Cans

So, to the point of the post.  Are you not glad I am finally getting to it?  When the cases come in we have to wait until the old cans are gone and then do the “CAT FOOD CAN SHUFFLE”   Ron prefers to put it off until I do it.  Below is the pictures of the cat food can shuffle.   Hugs.   Scottie

This is the place we store the cans and where after the shuffle they go.

IMG_0669IMG_0670

First I have to open each of the three boxes of 30 cans each and put them on the counter.

IMG_0665IMG_0664

Then I start shuffling them.  This is the part Ron hates and why he leaves it to me.  If you look at the first pictures you will see the cans well mixed, so the cats don’t get the same can of food at any two feedings.  I would get bored if every meal was the same as the last.  Ron will keep opening cans until he finds something the cats like and will eat. So below is the rest of the photos.   Hugs.  Scottie

IMG_0668IMG_0667IMG_0666

Odie has fallen in thrall of our radiator heater.

Ron is out grocery shopping.   I want to start going with him, and have a few times, but lately I am not up to it and there are things I need to take care of while he is shopping.  I was doing the dishes so he would have counters to put the groceries on when he got home.  Yes, I am tired.   But the funniest thing happened while I was doing them.

It has been cold on and off here in Florida during January and February.   This last few nights it has been around 46 degrees or lower at sunrise.   So before he goes to bed Ron turns the radiator on low with the temp dial about 72.  The heater we have in our bedroom bathroom heats both rooms and as I get up about every hour to pee, when it gets cool enough I turn it on.   Between the both of them they heat the main space and we keep the other doors closed until it warms up outside.   Also the electronics in the Pink Palace keep the room about 74 on the coldest nights so far.   I just have to remember to leave the computers up and running with the door closed.  

So to the point of the post, while I was doing the dishes Odie wanted food.  I gave it to him.  But Odie is older, we think at least 12 but more likely older, and not in the best health.  So while I went back to doing dishes after he finished eating, he went to the radiator heater that he often lays next to when it is running.  We have noticed that when it is active he will lay near it or against it.   He clearly loves the warm heat coming off it.  

So he finished eating, came out, stretched out next to the heater.  But no heat came out.   So he got closer.  Then he tried hitting it with his paw.  Finally, as I was rushing to get my phone, I saw him rubbing his face on the fins.  Yes even though the house was warm enough I gave in and turned on the radiator to the lower setting.  But that was not working fast enough for him and he was getting upset so I went over and activated the medium 1,600 watt setting.  That made it heat up fast enough and he laid back down next to it happy.  As he fell asleep, I turned it back to the lower watt setting.   Below is the pictures of our really spoiled fat cat.  Hugs.  Scottie

IMG_0672IMG_0673IMG_0674IMG_0675IMG_0676IMG_0677

Eye doctor visit

I just got home about 45 minutes ago and my vision is still more blurry than normal.  I have been for years using an eye doctor at a place we will call company A.   A small eye firm with two shops, great people, good doctor, and a wide selection of frames.   Plus the glasses were a great price, far less expensive than the big companies.   After your exam if you needed glasses you picked out two frames, they only charged you for one of the frames.  Then you selected your lenses.  One with all the features would be put in the frames you selected, the other frames would have just plain prescription lenses so you had an emergency back up pair.    The two pairs of glasses often were half the price of one pair of the big local chains.  

In November, Ron went to the big local chain eye doctors he has seen before because they treat his eye disease, which our small eye doctor did not, and they pushed him hard to get cataract surgery.  Both of us have cataracts so we thought his had gotten worse than mine, even though his developed much later than mine.  When he checked out, his visit was no charge because he had medicare.  So we made an appointment for me, thinking it also would be no charge.  But he needed a follow-up visit for a different test, scheduled a few weeks ago and they hammered him with charges.  Cost us $188 dollars with his medicare paying also.  

But being hopeful that my eye appointment would be covered under Medicare, we kept my appointment, which was this morning.   I wish I had not.  *** edit They charged me nearly $100 for my eye exam ***  So they did some test on me they didn’t do for Ron, but every test they did for me was tests my other eye doctor did, but they did tests for Ron they did not do for me.  But even before they gave me an eye exam they asked if I had watched the video they sent to me as a text.  I said I did not.   Turns out it was a video on cataract surgery choices.  In the check in stuff, they gave us extra forms to fill out again before even examining me about if I were to have cataract surgery what choices I would want.   At this point, they had not examined me to see if I had cataracts.   Remember they had pushed Ron hard to have the surgery.

So when the tech finished, and unlike the other eye doctor I had the tech did all the tests for my eyesight portion where my first eye doctor did the tests themselves, she gave me a video to watch on different choices for cataract surgery.  When the doctor came in, the first thing she asked was about the video, then launched into talking about the cataract surgery and how she wanted me to plan it for next year.   She had not even looked into my eyes yet.  She felt the left was bad and growing bad much faster than the right, so I should plan for next year and what options did I think I might want.  I told her I would need more time to think on it.   Later Ron told me the first option Medicare paid for but the other options ran thousands of dollars. 

Then she quickly did her check in my eye quickly spewing numbers to her assistant operating the computer, saying scaring such and such at such and such in the left eye … but when she was done she went back to talking about the cataract.  But she never talked to me about the scaring in my left eye!   So then they had me sit in the waiting room for a person to go over glasses with me.   I had brought a set of frames with me I liked and wanted any new lenses put in with the frames refitted to me. 

What do you think they quoted me for just the lenses to be put in my own frames? Hold on to something … $920 for the basic / standard lens and $1160 for the preferred / premium lens.   WTF.   Remember at the other eye doctor I got two pairs, two new frames with one set of lenses being fully progressive with the photo gray sunglass thing with computer anti-glare for $650.    

I did not buy the new lenses.  I told them I needed to think on it, and I did not schedule a new appointment next year as they pushed me to do.  I talk to Ron on the way home how I felt very pressured to have the cataract surgery and reminded him how they were pushing him to schedule his right way. They had sent me a video on it before they even examined me, and I felt the exam I got was less than our other doctor did.  

So I am going to see if our other eye doctor is still seeing patients and if so we will both get exams, and as I already know I will need glasses I will get them there.   But also I wanted everyone to know why I have not been doing much online, I am struggling more than normal to see everything.   Best wishes, hugs, Scottie

Just so you know

Just so you know posting and replying to comments will be slow this morning.  I have a doctor’s appointment, seeing my new pulmonologist this morning.   Trying to figure out why I struggle with shortness of breath a lot of the time.   It may take a while.   Hugs. 

It did not work, but was kind of relaxing

Hello all.   So Sunday I decided to dump my video computer, clean out some old stuff, clean it up, reorganize it, and tweak the setting.   The reason was I had a Microsoft security update that kept faulting out on installation.  I did a quick search on it, did not see anything about it online, and Ron kept pushing me to do stuff to distract me.   I had suffered from the resurfacing of some abuse memories, I was feeling sick because on Thursday I had steroid injections into my spine, Friday I got allergy shots, and then this weekend I was to take my testosterone injection and that really hurts.  Then to top it off, the new roof has leaked and water leaked down into the ceiling and now we had mold growing in the bedroom.   

I decided to do a full deep clean.   I could have just reset windows and left the drive alone.   But I wanted a good clean up.  So I had the computer wipe the drives, remove everything on them, which means I had to rebuild the directories, switching things from the C drive to the D drive that has twice the room for data, photos, videos, movies, TV, and any other storage needs than the C drive which I save for program files.  That took most of one day.  Then Monday I was really feeling badly, and noticed I still had the same issue.  This time I did a deep dive search in the error codes and self repair.  It involved the size of the rescue environment section on the hard drive.  I was seeing how large I would have to make it to fix the issue when I saw that a lot of people who tried this self repair did not get the issue fixed and had to end up reinstalling windows and or repartitioning their hard drives again.  While I have good software for this and have done it many times, I was not wanting to spend the time because I was not feeling well.  Still am not. So I did what I should have done in the very first place.  I started reading the Microsoft Windows support community posts, and more important, the replies from Microsoft staff.   Turns out on Jan 10th they released a statement acknowledging the problem, the failure of the update to install on a lot of computers and they were working on a fix for the next batch of Windows updates.  Everything I had done until then and the next day and half of putting all my programs back on and their settings correct, was not needed.   Grrr.   All because I did not want to spend a half a day wading through all the community support stuff I ended up doing anyway.   Well I was distracted from the other issues.   Hugs.   Scottie

The doctor said I am a bunny personality, or was

I forget what year it was, maybe 2012 or 2013 I was being treated by a doctor for my abuse.  I forget what he was titled, but he was the mind / personality doctors.   After testing and sessions of talking, he said I had a bunny personality unable to protect myself, with the bunny personality that kicked in that made the bunny protect those who were smaller or more vulnerable than me being attacked, even to the point of sacrificing my self.   In other words, I think he was saying I was unable to protect my self but will try to find ways to protect those who I feel are in danger.     I wonder if he said the second part just to shore up myself esteem as I never really felt I had a protector role.  In fact, I sort of got used to the idea I was to suffer to take the pain issued to me.  

Please remember, this was before Ron knew of most of my abuse, he only knew I was hurt as a kid, and it was by the family I grew up in.  I was scared to tell him what was happening, his job and mine were our income.  If I told him Ron would have reacted, would have been angry, would have stopped it but I was worried we would lose our jobs and our income.  

There was a reason I was back in treatment, but the short story is I was being sexual assaulted at work.  One of the male nurses, a larger guy, thought it was cute and funny to grab the gay guy by the dick, touch his ass, and push him in to a wall or counter and press themselves into me while fondling my penis.  My supervisors found out it was happening by accident because another male nurse who today would be the typical maga republican threaten to kill me in front of everyone for being gay and when I had to be interviewed by HR and legal it slipped out what the other guy was doing.   So the company insisted on sending me to a psychologist for examination / treatment.  Side note I should some day describe the meeting it was surreal with them makings sure nothing blocked the door or my path to it, repeatedly telling me I could leave, and if I felt unsafe or upset to tell them, kept asking me if I need a break or wanted someone with me … I mean I like the feeling behind what they were doing, but it was over the top in my opinion.  But maybe they were trying to prevent a sexual assault claim against the hospital.

But the real point of the post and what I was so happy and excited over is, when I told Randy what was happening and what the doctor said my personality was, Randy sprang into action.   My wonderful friend, the brother I never had growing up, sent me a tee shirt I wore until I wore it out.  I wore it everywhere.  It was something I took great joy in.   

It was a Psycho Bunny tee shirt with this logo

And I don’t know if you can understand the power this tee shirt gave me.  I may be a bunny, but I was now a bunny with teeth.  Randy kept telling me that maybe as a child I couldn’t stop the abuse, but now I had power, skill, and support such that I could protect my self.   The shirt and the feeling behind it was every empowering.  It was what I needed then to help me.  And Randy was always there to help me, uplift me, and keep me from despair as best he could.  I love Randy, I loved the tee shirt, I love the idea behind it.  Yesterday and today I keep reminding myself … I AM A PSYCHO BUNNY, AND I HAVE TEETH, HEAR ME ROAR!  Even if right now it is coming out as a squeak.    Hugs, Scottie

Memories, Ron, tears.

Short update.  When Ron got home from shopping, he sensed something was wrong.  He asked me about it.  I told him briefly I had some more intrusive memories.  He was quiet and then said when we put the groceries away we will talk.  After we got done I went and sat down, I was not sure that I wanted to tell him, I had hid so much for so long.    He asked if I wanted to talk and could he know what was upsetting me.  We sat and talked, I told him the new memories, the details that were flooding my brain, the feelings I was experiencing with them.  Every time I got to points where I would be too upset to talk, starting to cry he would tell me to slow down, breathe, take your time.  Then when I got it all out, I couldn’t look at him.  He softly said I needed to distract myself, and I explained how that was what I was trying to do but that wouldn’t help me heal or get over anything, we both knew from experience.   I told him I needed a few minutes alone and he gave me that.  When I came out he walked slowly to me and held his arms out, and I grabbed him, I clutched him.  He held me back and kept telling me they were gone, they couldn’t hurt me anymore.   Finally, I stepped back and said to him, but that is where you’re wrong, the memories don’t stop.  The feelings don’t stop.  And when I remember the abuse, I also feel the abuse.  He pulled me to him and held me tight.   He had no words, and I don’t have any either.   I know eventually I will share this with all of you who want me too or are able to deal with it.  I have learned that talking about it does help in a weird way.   Yes it hurts at first, deeply intently, but ignoring it makes the pain build and become much worse.    

For some reason at first when I was telling him I thought Ron was going to reject me as he started looking away.  Then after I now realize he was struggling not to cry and with his anger, both which would have hurt me had he shown them. He has gone to lay down for a nap, talking to me about it first.  I feel weird again.  I know he will be watching me, he will be worried.  Did I do wrong to tell him?  Should I have hidden it, gone back to the days before he really knew much?  Now my doubts are creeping in and trying to take root.   

I am not going to proofread this for errors.   Sorry, I do need to step back.  Please overlook them or if they are important call me out in comments.  I have spine shots tomorrow at 10.  I have to get my mind in a better place, I have to find peace.  Hugs.  Scottie

An update on Scotties life.

Like everyone, I always have the best of intentions.  I planned this weekend for getting to comments and putting away old saved tabs.  But fate and my memories get in the way.  And right now I hurt badly.  Not asking for sympathy, I just want to explain if I end up late on doing what I said I would.   

This last week I have fluctuating between active memories of my abuse including the feelings as it was happening, to being very depressed and not wanting to even get out of bed.  So I went from if I sleep having nightmares to not being willing / able to sleep to when sleeping not being willing to get out of bed to function.  Plus Friday I had my allergy shots, had a bad reaction had to take Benadryl, and while tearing my skin off went to bed early.  

This morning is an example.  I went to bed at 4 pm yesterday (remember having a bad allergy reaction and taking Benadryl)  telling Ron I wanted to get up at 6 pm.  But when he came to me then, I said I was not ready to get up.  He understood.  Since I opened up to him more about my abuse he understands some of the moods I have and me trying to hide in being distracted.  I woke at midnight but couldn’t bring my self to get up.  I laid there watching the clock, the thoughts in my head fighting with each other.  Some telling me to get up and do computer stuff, the other voices told me to stay in bed, ignore everything, maybe sleep.  A couple of times I did sleep for a few minutes until the dreams turned bad, and I woke up agitated.  Once Ron woke me asking if I was OK because I was having a bad dream about my abuse and verbalizing it.   At 2 am, I reminded my self of my promise to get up and work on comments.   At 4 am, I told my self the outside cats needed to be fed and cared for.  Finally at about 5 something I forced my self out of bed but mostly because my stomach was hurting due to lack of food (something I knew all too well and was triggering on its own which caused its own bad feedback loop in my head.   As an adult in a restaurant I would order far more than I could eat, and it took Ron a long time to teach me how not to do that.  At home I would cook for far more people than the two of us could eat.  When Ron would cook I would fill my plate with far more than I could eat.   Only after I told him how I had been denied food, hospitalized and went clinically dead from being starved and was suffering malnutrition for long periods of my childhood did he understand.  If my grandfather had not grabbed me and taken me to the ER I would not be here.) and plus my bowels needing relief.  

I got up and was doing well, I feed and took care of cats, I did other chores and went to town on the computer stuff I needed to get done.  But yesterday the water was off for most of the day, so we didn’t wash the dishes from yesterday.  So about 10 am I started washing dishes, cleaning up the kitchen, and washing the more dishes.   Also pre-making the coffee for morning.  For some reason that whole thing took me until 2 pm!   During that I had to take extra medication, and now I am having a vodka cola drink.  

All this to say, I am going to concentrate on current comments while saving posts so that by morning they won’t disappear.  I will work as long as I can (Ron has already been asking me what I want for supper as he knows how tired I am and wants to make sure I eat before going to bed) doing the comments and will save those I don’t get to for tomorrow, which should be a slower day.  I saved all the comments from the last few days so if you left comments know I will answer them, I really love that you commented.  Thank you.   It just has been a struggle for a few months with my memories, emotions, and my body.   Hugs, loves, best wishes to all.   Scottie

It is exciting, I am opening up to the world again.

So I am excited, let me explain.  Even before Covid, I had started not wanting to be “out in the world”.  But after Covid hit, we stopped going out at all.  But Randy came to visit from far away and we all went out to eat.   I had a good time, but it was outside on the water and I got cold.  So Randy and his folks are coming up and we are going back again.  I love it.  Ron went into his closet and found a heavy coat / jacket for me.  It is only 67 outside.  To me, that is call out the national guard weather.  So I am excited to see Randy and his folks again. Last time we ate there, I got just the quesadillas and I could only eat two of them.  I gave the other two to Randy.  I really want to try the chili, so I am not sure what I will order.   So at some time I will stop responding / blogging and you will know we went out to eat.   Hugs.    Scottie

Crap, it is 4:45 pm and I did not get to comments again.

So I woke up at 2 am and I got up at 3 am this morning just to get through a lot of stuff I have been putting off.  But all day other things came up, I did read and post news articles, and I have a 3:12 hour video from a trans YouTube creator I like who was unfairly attacked and mistreated, and now that everything has come out in her favor she is taking a victory lap by going over every aspect of the case.  Yes she is a bit of a drama queen but her attacker spearheading the abuse directed against her is a total lying massive drama queen who seeks attention by stoking the idea she is being harmed or attacked.  

So on and off I had to take rest breaks, and I did the dishes which took up most of my morning because I can not just stand at the counter to do them, but have to do some, go sit or lay down, get back up and do some more.  When I talk about how hard I work, it is within my own limitations.   I think normally able folk could run circles around what I do every day.  Anyway.  

I am very tired.  I was going to have one half of the leftover thick pork chops with stuffing on top that Ron made last night.  I had the first half last night and it was great, so I planned to have the second half with a salad instead of the potatoes he served with them last night.  But Ron forgot the plan and made me a very large salad and I struggled to eat it all, stopping twice to take the rest to him.   But salad with dressing is not good after being in a refrigerator, and I know Ron gets upset if I don’t eat a certain amount at night.  All week I have gone without any insulin as my blood sugars are so low.  Not the fast acting at meal times nor the long acting at night at 10 pm.  Remember recently my blood sugar levels were in the dangerously low territory due to me taking the insulin.  I still take a metformin pill twice daily that is to regulate my blood sugar.  The only reason they put me on insulin is because of my monthly steroids, which the pills won’t help with.   So Ron is very insistent I eat before bed, no matter what time I go to bed.  He also has me now take my blood sugar around 10 pm when he comes to bed because he wants to make sure I don’t take the insulin if my BS is already low.  My hubby should have been a doctor or at least a PA.  

Because it is early, but I am so tired, and I don’t want to lose comments of other bloggers posts I am going to start a 6th tab with the last few days of stuff, so I don’t lose them.  I hope to get through them soon.  But tomorrow I plan to go grocery shopping with Ron, we find it so much easier if we do it together, so I might not get to many of the saved ones.   Hugs.  Scottie.