I just cannot do it, I am sorry

If you read my last post you know that I was going to try to move on to comments.  But things change.   I took my blood sugar and it was 97.   Ron did not want it to go any lower.   So he begged me to eat.  He asked what I wanted, and I really wanted a salad.   Surprisingly, I love what for me is a salad.  It has lettuce, white mushrooms, croutons, sometimes a few things like sprouts, but mostly I like lettuce and mushrooms.    He insisted that because of my low blood sugar I have a grilled cheese sandwich.   I normally love those as Ron makes mind with Munster.  I just couldn’t eat.   He asked me to eat a quarter of the sandwich which I did, and I had already eaten half the salad.    I couldn’t do anymore and was almost in tears trying.   He took everything and he said it was OK and enough.   I only took 4 units of insulin so that should equal that out.   I should have only taken 2 units but Ron thought I would eat more than I did.   

I won’t be getting to the comments, sorry if you are waiting for my reply, I am going to bed, that welcoming sweet darkness where most of the time my mind wanders free and I have a wonderful time, even sometimes like last night having full command of my body and able to run as I did in my youth with no pain and great strength.   But sometimes at least three or four times a week the nightmares come.   Anyway, good night I cannot do this anymore today.  Hugs and loves.   I hope you all are well.   Night

22 thoughts on “I just cannot do it, I am sorry

  1. Scottie, I hope you rest well, and as to my comments, just don’t worry about it. I post comments just wanting to agree, or vent, or whatever. No need to write back every time, for me. Consider that my September gift to you! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hello Ali. Thank you. But I love the comments no matter if it is to agree or vent or whatever. And with respect I disagree on the need to reply. See I view the comments as a discussion or a conversation. My reply even if just to acknowledge that comment is important, and it may inspire more conversation which I want. Also, your comments themselves with the links to new stories you sent are a gift to me.

      Ali, what I am going through right now is not a normal (I hope) event. Daily life which is a struggle for everyone and us all, plus my medical condition which is getting worse in that my pain level is increasing daily which means not only is my time online becoming limited but worse my mind / mood is affected due to pain and added medication, and I have been dealing with the “elephant in the room” which is my ongoing struggle with my childhood physical / sexual abuse and the rapes I experienced as a young adult. That has been a worse struggle lately.

      Not to put anything on you or anyone else on my blog, but the blog helps me focus on something even in the worst times, but it also is something that can be overwhelming. That is because so much of me is my blog, I feel it is an extension of myself. So when I cannot get to the blog due to these issues I mentioned I feel I have let part of myself down. But when I post things like this post, it is like me expressing what is happening in my life to friends. It may be hard for my friends to hear what I am writing / saying but it is also an important part of me sharing my situation as I do want these same friends to share their life and issues with me. I care about the people who come here and feel that most of them are my friends. I care deeply about you and what you share with me / us that his happening in your life is a gift I appreciate. It is like a text or a call from a friend saying, “Hey going to go to bed early not feeling well or having an issue, loves and hugs goodnight”. “Catch you in the morning”.

      Anyway, no problem Ali. All good and I am ready after dealing with a morning of crises in the Miller household I hope to have a chance to enjoy everyone’s thoughts before the end of the day today. I actually got up at 4 AM to start working on my replies and it is now nearly 2 PM that I can get to them. Long story for another day. Best wishes, looking forward to your future thoughts. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Let me add that I think the news, containing so much about a certain abuser who used to be president, is triggering many symptoms in lots of people. Each triggered person is an individual with their own symptoms, but an abuser is an abuser and everyone who knows abusers knows them when they see and hear them. I’ve been having a fairly intense anxiety flare myself, but like you, I have tools to keep it at a livable level. It does threaten to get away, though, when certain things happen (shootings, war) or certain people are front and center and unavoidable. We are strong, though.
        I guess the point of that is you’re not alone, as individual as your experiences and symptoms are; it’s not our faults; and self-care is awesome, not selfish. I don’t intend a lecture, rather I’m trying to show my empathy, Now I gotta get to reading!

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Hello Ali. You are wonderful! You have such amazing insights into things. I admire your ability to put things into words so well. Right now I have three things working against me. The first which is the past being triggered I have explained well and as you say we all are having anxiety over these things. I also am having a pain problem that is keeping me in bed more than half of every day and clouding my mind a lot. See I went from having trigger point injections every month to trying to go to every two months. It is not working, and it is so painful it is debilitating me. I got up this morning late because I just did not want to face the pain, but I got up, it took two hours until I could start posting coherently, and while I had planned to only answer comments it is now 3 PM and I am just getting started. I will have to quit by 7 PM when my back gives out. Ron and I are talking about getting me a bed table for a laptop so I can do online stuff while in bed. The last issue I am dealing with is basic life chaos. Our last rescue cat of Odie has been drinking more and more water, and peeing more and more frequently. Sunday night we noticed a spot of blood on the top of the pee. It was real as if someone had put one drop of a color on top of the pee in the boxes. And the pees were small. Ron called the vet this morning first thing, and after they questioned him, they gave him an appointment for 9 Tuesday morning. So being panicky parents of a rescue cat that we figure is about 11 years old with the knowledge our Milo who was also rescue cat had to be put down at 12 due to kidney issues, it has both Ron and I are pretty worried. But that is what is going on right now in the Scottie world. Best wishes and hugs.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Understood about your kitty-kid. I recall learning at the shelter that feline diabetes could be coming, bless your kitty’s heart.

            Not to mention you! I got a good lesson in the ravages of pain today at my wellness exam. I’m not nearly where you are, and I am grateful though I wish all were so fortunate, but the future is out there for pain survivors.

            I remember I read a comment on MPS one time, to someone who’d helped their cat cross the Rainbow Bridge; that it’s so hard to keep out deal with our furkids. That deal being, of course, that we’ll make sure they don’t suffer, as best we can. I’ll send energy into the universe that Odie will recover for a while without much intervention, and give you some time to deal with this. I’ve seen that happen, too.

            If you have to work when you feel horrible (another lesson I’ve been absorbing, again not nearly at your level,) I think the bed table is a superlative idea! I remember my MIL really perked up when she inherited a laptop desk that fit on her walker and her wheelchair, and I feel like this table will be awesome for you! I am heartened to read about that, and here’s to it all working out, 💖 as well as Odie feeling just fine for a good while yet.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Hello Ali. You were correct, he has very high blood sugar. I have to remove his dry food, restrict his treaties, and feed him wet food as it has less carbohydrates. His blood sugar was 400 this morning with only wet food. We have to give him insulin shots morning and night, after he eats. The good news is he lost 7 pounds but at 22.5 pounds is still heavy and overweight. He has a UTI and they gave him an antibiotic that lasts for about 2 weeks, so in two weeks we take him back, he spends the day there and they will monitor his blood sugars. So some good news and some bad news. The vet said if we can get his blood sugar down then he may not need insulin all the time. I guess cats can come off insulin where people and dogs don’t. Hugs

              Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Randy. My brother if there is anyone that deserves a medal for the many times you have stood by me and kept my body as whole as possible and my sanity this side of the bottom of a river, it is you! What was it two or three years you worked so hard to keep my ship of personhood upright and keep me from hurting myself. Those were some dark times. Sadly the memories that caused that don’t stop, but never does the love you give that helps cover them. Few people will ever know the sleep you missed nor the times as the knife cut into my skin your calls came in. But I will always know.

      But what is happening now is not the desire to hurt myself like before but the desire to stop, to not be. What is happening is depression to the point of retreating to bed, to force my mind and body into some type of sleep. To make the world go away.

      Lucky for me the world / home / blog I have won’t allow that. I now have to at least try or explain to the blog why I am not going to even do that. Which is a good thing.

      But you are so correct if you are not upset over the abuses in the world of the most vulnerable who cannot defend themselves, you are inhuman. As always my brother you are the grandest smartest most caring person I have ever known. Hugs and love.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Roger. Thank you. For me the blog is like texts or Dm’s to friends. Yes they would hate me if I filled their inbox with all I post, but the ones I do explaining what is happening to me are like a more personalized message. The blog gives me focus as it feels to me a meeting place where I interact with friends, pals , and those who don’t like me, which thankfully is a very small number. (yes I know I am not big / popular enough to get the serious pushback) But in my offline life I am limited to how many people I can interact with, but online I have an entire planet of people to interact with. The problem I am having right now is similar to your vacation issue, life managed to slip a wrench into the cog of my life.

      Normally I and my life run along pretty predictable daily life experiences. But sometimes my past forces itself to the forefront which it has done a lot more of recently. Simply due to the news stories I was reading I got very triggered. I have been very open about my abuse but normally I let the stories I am posting governor how much of my own history I reveal. No one wants to be beaten over the head with either my abuse or the emotional toll it has taken on me. Simply put, no one wants to relive my abuse in detail, it is hard enough for me to have to live with it and other people don’t need or want that in their heads either. And I agree with them, they shouldn’t have the nightmares I do.

      On the other hand Roger, it helps me to share a part of it, to let people know why I react the way I do and to let people know what is happening when I read some stories or why I am unable to function on the blog. I just feel that people should know what is happening to me and where I am coming from.

      Roger I respect your opinion and on my blog I love to have people be honest in their comments. What do you think? Should I try to keep these personal issues out of the blog and only post news articles, or should I let people into my life as it is for me daily. Thanks, Hugs and Love.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I believe it is praiseworthy Scottie that you keep on keeping on, and by this you set not just an example to us but light your own beacon by displaying your own intention not to give up.
        More than once I have written to friends in the US Thomas Paine’s words ‘That these are times which test a person’s soul’. The weight of bad and discouraging news can lay heavy on a person and in some cases still them into lethargy or apathy. Even fatalistic waiting for ‘The End’ (whatever that might be) .
        To keep on keeping on is the finest any on us can do, which is what you are demonstrating.
        If you feel comfortable with letting readers into your personal life, then you should continue with this. In this we perceive all the better the person you are. And in this add to our lives.
        I wish you all the best Scottie.
        Keep on keeping on.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Hello Roger. (blushing) I think you give me more credit than I deserve, I really am just a guy trying to do what I think is right for other people within the limits my health and my limited income lets me do. But thank you very much for the credit you gave me.

          The first time I was forced into a wheelchair my surgeon had a talk with me and then after with Ron. This was back in 1996 and my right hip bone was decaying, and the leg bone was dying, but they did not want to do the total hip operation because they were trying to save my entire leg bones along with the other bones in my body that were decaying. I was in a wheelchair that time for 2 & 1/2 years. (I have been in a wheelchair other times for different bones dying) Both Ron and I were about 30 years younger. The doctor minced no bones and held nothing back, he flat out told me he seen how in love we were and if I wanted to destroy that love and kill our relationship then I would give in to the temptation to let Ron do everything for me, changing him from my lover to my servant healthcare provider. Then after talking to me, he called Ron in. It was years later that we compared notes on the visit, but that same doctor told Ron he had noticed that whenever I tried to do anything Ron rushed to do it instead. He said it was grand that Ron loved me that much, but if it continued that Ron would start to resent and then hate me as I needed him more and more. He told Ron my condition was life long and even if they could get me walking again my health would still degrade. He implored Ron to put aside his want to fix everything for me and let me try to do stuff on my own. Yes make it possible for me to do stuff like install ramps, but don’t just jump up and get a soda from the fridge if I wanted one. There was no reason even in a wheelchair I couldn’t do things for myself.

          That doctor saved my marriage / 32 yearlong love relationship.

          Now I try to take that same try to do it no matter the setbacks to my life and to my blog and the interactions there. For example, Ron and I were working up to walking about 30 minutes a morning, but due to life and my pain levels we have not walked in 4 days. But we plan to do so tomorrow even if I cannot do the full walk. We will cut my part short, and Ron will go on and walk more by himself.

          What I am trying to say and it doesn’t sound quite right as I said it, but I know I will have good times that I can do a lot and try to shine, and I know there will be times I am going to really stumble and not be able to do what I love doing, part of that is I will feel guilty not responding to the many people I am glad come to my online sharing space, my blog. It will be due to life events everyone has, like yesterday our cat started showing a single drop of blood in his litter box on top of his pees. Other times it will be my own health that stops me.

          One of the best lessons I learned when I got put in the wheelchair, I was in a waiting room with an older man who called himself Eddie. Eddie had one leg cut off a foot or two off his torso and the other leg was cut off at the knee. I got to know Eddie. He was a World War 2 veteran / POW. He was still having shrapnel coming from deep in his skin and having to have it removed and treated. Hell of a life, right? But Eddie was enjoying his life. Granted he got some help from the government which he damn well deserved but he also did things like mow his own lawn by getting someone to rig up a pull behind mower that he towed with his electric wheelchair. He showed me the pictures. He had an arrangement with the local college, he provided a home for two students, and they helped him with his daily needs. It was his attitude I learned and loved. In our talks he never felt he was abused or used; he never gave the idea that his world was horrible. The last few times I seen him this 86 year old man was giggling about the two college girls who lived with him. He really loved having them live with him, and he never mentioned the more personal hardships he went through.

          I know this is getting long but my real point is I can love what I have and can do, my great home life, the grand computer set up I have with the wonderful people it connects me to, and that lets me sometimes admit my failures, but mostly lets me work hard to make this a better world for those that are the targeted minorities, to fight hard for those that have less, to do what I can to equal the playing field in countering the misinformation the haters in this world try to force on everyone, I can enjoy doing all that … Or I can retreat to a world of “woe is me” and falling in on myself making my own issues the only world I have. I never want to do that because to me that will be the death of Scottie, the person I am. Yes I will talk about my personal struggles, and sadly they will sometimes take over my life. As much as I try not to let that happen it does, I am human, an abused frail human. But I still have a good mind and reasoning ability and I still have a platform to advocate for those that need all of us to speak out for them.

          Sorry Roger, you and your wife did not need or even want such a long response. But as I was writing out my thoughts, I realized that others could use this to understand me and why I fight so hard for the causes I do. Yes I have setbacks and issues in my life, but in our world there are a lot of people that have things far worse than I do, and they don’t have the resources nor the support systems I do. There are people so marginalized by our government and there are those on the right who want to make it even worse for them, I really feel that we all should be trying to make things better for them in any way we can, even if it is just a little bit. Anyway. Best Wishes, and again thanks for the complements. Hugs

          Liked by 2 people

              1. Hello Nan. Yes, I have most of them. I have heard the names, but I never remember them, just what the conditions do. For example the thickening and thinning of the bones, and the soft areas. I read the listed symptoms and I have most of them. I have not seen an ortho doctor for years so I don’t have anyone now to ask. I might print off the page and take it in to my pain doctor and see if they can tell me. I know one of the surgeries I had was to drill holes in my leg bones to try to get more blood to the hip joint. But it did not work for me. Thanks for the link. It sums up my issues really well. Hugs

                Liked by 1 person

            1. Hello Nan. My first orthopedic surgeon said it was unknow the full causes but that genetics and the large amount of trauma my body suffered during childhood was part of it. My spine is full of arthritis. The bones are not really growing right, they are too thin in some places and too thick in others. I have deformed areas and spurs. They really stopped even giving me a diagnosis years ago. My last surgeon who replaced my left hip in 2017 said that it was a combination of things that were working against me. The doctors I have now just treat the pain symptoms by pain medications, injections in the spine to provide cushion for the nerves, and trigger point injections to try to deal with the muscle spasms. They also tell me I have fibromyalgia and that is why even a small breeze going across my skin is painful. Therre is something wrong with my nervous system, but they are not really looking for the reason as they say that diabetes could be the cause. I am starting to really jerk and shake at times. As for infections I do get infections easily, and it seems every virus / bug that comes along. I have not had it in a while, but I used to have to watch my labs for anemia, for a few years I was not producing enough red blood cells, I have the symptoms of Lupis without the marker for it. My immune system is not well, it often attacks itself, and part of the reason I don’t feel well a lot is my allergies. I need the therapy for it but have not been getting it since May of 2020. I hope this answers your question. A lot of it I don’t know or understand. Ron used to go to all my doctors’ appointments because he understood the stuff and I only cared about the treatment to make it not hurt so much or make things better for me. Hugs

              Liked by 1 person

              1. No doubt about it … YOU ARE A MESS!!! 😟

                It’s really painful to read about and know that you suffer so greatly. But as you yourself have said, you don’t let it affect your spirit and that’s probably the most important thing you can do.

                Liked by 1 person

          1. I will only add that he does not give you credit that you deserve for what he writes, because I feel the same way and haven’t met you IRL. This is a great place to be, thanks to you.

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Thanks for sharing your life with us Scottie. The doctor you wrote about was indeed a wise sage person. Such deep and sensible advice. I am glad you and Ron took that to heart and are still together.
            Life can throw so much in the way ohallenges and barriers. Sheila and I have had a share of them. How much in comparison with others it is hard to say. We are still here though a bit battered but still able tobe whimsical which is very British.
            I am very very proud of our two daughters and one son all now into their 40s all having been dealt hard hands to play but are playing and not giving up.
            We keep on doing the best we can as we can how we can when we can.
            And don’t fall for the lies of the snake oil merchants or the nihlists.
            Again take care both of you. Give to the world your own goodness.
            Best wishes
            Roger and Sheila

            Liked by 1 person

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