I read this quote in the story.
“It was cold-blooded what he did,” Mueller said. “While he may have been dealt a bad set of cards with the parents, it’s still a choice that he made to do the harm and bring the tragedy to Oxford.”
I have mentioned on my other blog about after having been raped violently with no chance to get lube because my sibling from hell of my adoptive parents wanted me to feel as much pain as possible because I was not a real member of his family. He then did something that to this day hurts more than the rape, after he was done and got what he wanted he rolled over in my tiny bed and fell asleep. He slept in my own bed! (Later he claimed the excuse he had been drinking and I should just forget it) Something broke in me. I did something I never did before. Looking back, I am not sure what I felt, but I got up out of the bed and went through the mobile home to the adoptive parent’s room and took the 30 30 gun off the rack and opened the drawer in the bedroom I knew the bullets were in and left. Unlike the other hell spawn, I never had gotten to use or learn the guns, but I understood enough from watching the others. I never woke anyone. I loaded the gun on the way back to my room. I went back to my room and put that gun to that male sibling’s head and went to pull the trigger, his goading words ringing in my head as the pain from what he did rang though my body making every step a fresh prodding of the wound. To this day even as an atheist / nonbeliever in the supernatural I will swear under oath what happened next is true. I am not saying it is supernatural, but I am saying this is my memory of the event.
As I put the gun barrel to his head and prepared to take my revenge on that drunken asshole who had just gloated as he hurt raped me, I heard a voice. I think all the things the voice said I don’t remember clearly these days. But the voice started with a strong “No, Don’t! Stop”! Then continued with “This is not who you are, not what you will be”! “Don’t let them make you what they are, be the person you can be”! There were more words in my head and to tell the truth at my age they are tending to blur out. But the voice was pleading with me to not pull the trigger and to not be what these hateful bastards wanted to make me.
I made a decision that night that I have never regretted. I put the gun back after emptying the bullets, put everything back and vowed I would never be like the vindictive hurtful people who adopted me. I would take everything they forced on me and I would still become the kind of person I wanted to be, the kind of person I respected. I tell this story because we really don’t know what the full story is of Ethan Crumbley and why he felt such a need to take others’ lives. Was he also being hurt raped? Was he being kept hungry while others ate? Looking at my own life I could have been him, as if I had pulled that trigger that night why would I have stopped at just the one in my bed, why wouldn’t I have gone after all of them. Do you see why I have sympathy for this kid? We don’t know what was going on in his life. We do know what his parents did, they lied, ran and tried to escape justice by hiding.
OK I have to get away from this and from these thoughts. I have decided to make a red sauce for spaghetti tonight. Ron has tried to help direct me toward that and I will do so as it is a good Idea. The combination of my old memories (for those that think the pain or humiliation fades, for me it doesn’t. In my nightmares that Ron tries to wake me from they are as fresh as the times it happened) and the loops in my head are threatening to bring the vortex in, something I really cannot afford. So Ron will make a pork loin to go with the stuff I make. Hugs, loves, and so many thanks to everyone.
Scottie's Playtime 
Hi Scottie; Many people don’t understand why his parents are in jail. I do.
There is no way this kid can live outside again. I hate to say it, but his life – for what it is – is behind bars. He will make of it what he can. There is no other avenue open for him, and he likely sees that as a relief right now.
But, the neglect that lead him to strike out against his pain, the disinterest that allowed him the tools in which to do so, the disdain that gathered his despair and desperation are all laid at the feet of those who were supposed to be looking out for him. I don’t know what sort of guilt they carry, or if they even care at all. But, they gave up a life long ago and it was only on the most horrible of days that the rest of the country learned of it.
I feel for this child. He did horrible things. Children strike out in pain, especially when they have not learned better. And, for that, he will never know love, he will never see kindness without considering the cost, he will never grow up, and he will die a little bit every day. And, in truth, there are others who will also never know love, grow up, grow old, … And, there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it.
What we can do is keep our eyes open. Give care and love to the goofy kid, the lonely kid, the angry kid, the good kid that never sees the reward, the kid that can never be good enough. Love the kid who is different, confused, trying to figure it out. Be patient with the kid who strikes out, screams, withdraws.
Sadly, there just isn’t anything to say. We as a country, we let this kid down. He made a really bad choice, but he didn’t make it in a vacuum.
Hugs all;
Randy
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Hello Randy. Well said, very well said. You present the situation clearly and with understanding for all involved. The number of lives lost in that shooting has to include Crumbley’s also. I do not support the death penalty, but I wonder in cases like this if it is not a mercy? I cannot imagine the hell that life in prison must be, as everything I love and value would be gone. The US prison / justice system is based on revenge and profit. It does nothing to rehabilitate or make a person ready to move back into society as a positive productive member of the community. There is really no plan to make society safer or better other than taking people we feel are a threat and putting them in a cage. We warehouse them, and most people forget them. This is even worse for non-violent crimes that are placed into jails / prisons that only make them worse people rather than better people. Take low level drug possession that is mostly targeted at minorities, how does imprisoning these people make society better or improve the person imprisoned? Not to mention the treatment of people who we claim have paid for their crimes by serving their sentence, but unlike other countries the stigma of having been in prison follows a person in almost all aspects of their lives. They lose the right to vote in most places, to get hired they must report to the interviewer / business that they were in prison, many shelters including hurricane shelters don’t allow felons, most education loan programs are closed to felons, and many more restrictions. There is no way to leave the past behind even for the person who did all that was required of them and no way to start fresh on a second chance. That is setting people up to reoffend. The system is designed to make a former prisoner fail so they can be returned to the prison making profit for others while working for pennies in as slave labor. Other countries don’t have the US recidivism rates because they don’t play these games. We could learn something if we were not so sure we are always exceptional and #1 all things. Hugs
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Excellent analysis, Randy!! Your concern and kindness for this boy, as well as others like him, clearly comes across. ❤
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Reblogged this on NEW BLOG HERE >> https:/BOOKS.ESLARN-NET.DE.
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That is a heart breaking story of yours Scottie. To be where you are today shows true guts and determination.
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Hello Roger. It has been a life long struggle. It is simply putting one foot forward at a time. Some days are better than others. For me it came to a point of either talk about it or be destroyed. I went a long time refusing to even admit it was my childhood because of fear what people would think of me, like it was my fault or something. It took me a long time to even start hinting to Ron but when I started to tell him he had already figured it out. In this story I did not really explain what set me off so bad. My bed was really tiny. After he did what he did to me, to sleep in my bed forced me to have to spoon / cuddle with my rapist. The guy that just hurt me as much as he could was now forcing me to lay tight to him to stay in my own bed. Why was a bed so important to me, I waited a long time for a bed. Until I was over 7 years old I slept in a hallway. That was the thing that drove me to do what I wrote about. I have no idea why I never pulled the trigger, the voice was so clear in my head, so strong, so pleading with me. Anyway thank you. I just do the best I can and I am grateful the internet gives me access to the wonderful people such as yourself who come to my blog. Hugs
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You are strong and have a nobility about you Scottie. Far beyond many who strut about.
Bless you and Ron both
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