A post I was going to make that took a horrible side step.

Please forgive me, This is not how I wanted to start this post.  Earlier I had a great plan and took pictures, and was so happy I was kind of humming to my self.  Then as I sat down to do this post when on the other computer screen came a video I shouldn’t have watched, I should have shut down.  It was a news station report on two young boys fostered (me adopted) and the physical abuse they suffered.  They suffered no sexual abuse, but the descriptions of the physical abuse sent all my former great happy thoughts fleeing as I totally understood their thoughts they might die and their struggles with the pain inflicted on them, I started to cry and shake and then damn it the vortex came.  It howled and tried to consume me, I floundered looking for something some handle, anything in my mind to grab so it wouldn’t take me and I could with stand it.  Fight it off.  

I put music on the other computer, wiping off the abuse video, I have no idea the songs I can not think on them.  The screen says the best soft rock of the 70s,80s,90s.  But I am calming down, remembering what I wanted to post, the great idea I have.   I must stop sobbing, Ron must not come out and see me like this.  Such a great day, great week, and yet … 

By my dogs that love gravy I wonder how my heart, my body can take these sudden panics, the mental sounds of the vortex coming for me, my body’s desperate attempt to flee or just to curl up in a ball and let it happen.  My heart rate is again down to 76.  According to my Apple Watch that monitors it, my heart rate went to 158.  Anyway.   I am calm enough to do the post I wanted to do.  But damn, I need to be more careful on the news I see coming across the many web feeds.  But I did not select the video, I was watching a new channel on the fires in Hawaii.

I want to just add that I was one step from activating the emergency Scottie needs help signal.  That is to Randy.   For those that never followed my old blog I had a breakdown in 2014.  I started self harming again and was trapped in my head by the vortex, reliving my childhood abuse.  I won’t and sorry can not describe it, but Randy who was working long night shifts keep his phone on all the time, called me repeatedly if he did not hear from me, texted me, and took hours long phone calls from me desperately trying to stop the nightmares in my head from the memories.  He went without sleep so many days just to be there for me.  When I say Randy is the best brother ever, I mean it, and that is part of the reason why.  It is not an exaggeration to say that after drawing a sharp knife or razor blade across my skin drawing blood instead of doing it again I would reach out to Randy instead.  It got to where instead of the blades, I reached for him.  Anyway those days are past now.  For good I hope.  Yet it still gets scary sometimes.    

Ok Ron got up, kept asking me what was wrong, I denied anything was wrong and told him my allergies were acting up.  He seemed like he was going to pursue it but then dropped it, and I am glad.   I just don’t want to deal with all that now at this time.   I am trying hard to let the past sink back in to the deep depths of the deepest part of the ocean in a chest wrapped in many layers of big chains, weighted down by as many happier thoughts as I can push against it.  

Ok my head is clearing and I want to do the happy bread post I started to do.   Hugs to all who want them.   Scottie