I spent most of the day in bed. Not sleeping but desperately wanting to. I wanted my mind to stop, my thoughts to stop. I wanted the sweet release of oblivion, yet in my sleep I rarely get that. Ron did keep trying to get me to eat, and I did eat this morning, and had popcorn for supper. I simply can not stomach anything else. Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment at 10:10 for my allergy shots, but they are pretty loose with the times. Yet after spending the day in bed trying to sleep now when I should … I struggle to stay up.
Ron has been very attentive today, which makes me think I have not been hiding my problems and issues as well as I thought I was. Since I got up this afternoon he keeps coming into the “Scotties Playtime Pink Palace” to ask me if I need anything, If I want something to eat, how I am doing. I know he is concerned but I don’t know what to say to him. This just has to pass, as it has before in my life. For me, for him, for all of us.
On the plus side I got a couple of things posted. One I couldn’t remember if I posted before but it was still in my open tabs so I cleared one window. Tomorrow I realize I will have to start another with the last few days of stuff … yet still have not addressed the older stuff. I changed the fonts and size on the blog, did anyone notice, and how is it for you guys?
I am needing to go to bed. I have to get up in the morning early. The outside cats like to be fed between 4:30 and 5:30. I normally wake up by then so it is not normally a problem. But tonight I need to go to bed. Weird I was in bed most of the day … maybe hiding. But now I am fighting it, I don’t want to go, yet I know I must. Damn how often that feeling has been something I have felt in my past. Knowing I must but really, desperately not wanting to. If I go to bed and manage to sleep, the dreams will come. I will relive things I … hated and feared the first times I experienced them. If I struggle to stay up, I won’t be able to go to my allergist office and get my shots. The adult in me is demanding one thing, but the child, that small tender child is begging me to do another.
Fuck my life. I am going to do the adult thing. I am going to bed. I will trust Ron who now knows and understand so much more than he did 33 years ago when he moved in to my home. If I get thrashing, crying, shouting, begging, or other signs of distress, he will wake me and comfort me.
Hugs and good night. I hope your night is better than I fear mine will be. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 
In regard to the blog-the font is smaller. It looks as if I’ve changed the zoom setting to 90%. This is not a problem for me, I’m just answering because you asked. Otherwise, it seems the same. As to the rest, I hope your night is much better than you’ve thought it will be.
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I agree — the font is definitely smaller!
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Hi Nan. Do you like it? Does it look OK? Should I go back to the bigger font size? Thanks. Hugs. Scottie
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I prefer the larger font. There’s no doubt the smaller font won’t take up as much room and requires less scrolling, but for me, the larger size is just easier to read … AND is more in line with other blog comment sections.
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Hi Nan. Sorry I am late replying. But what you replied is what I was really wanting to know, how easy is it for people to read. As I said due to bad eyesight and eye problems I have my own personal font settings pretty high. James’ used to hate it using my computers and would change them. So if viewers find the font hard to read, it defeats what I am trying to do. So I am going to increase the size right after replying to this. But what about the font style? See I have my computers set to change what can be to an easy to read font style for me. That one is not offered in this theme and you know how I hate to look for themes, I would rather have a root canal. Thanks. Hugs. Scottie
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Speaking for myself, I like that you’ve gone back to the larger size. As for the font style, it’s good as is. I think you’ve got it, Mate!
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Hi Nan. I went from medium to large. They offer two more sizes. I think from your comment, the increase I did is good. Again the point is to make the stuff I post as clear and available to as many people as possible. A lot of the problems now with WordPress is the same I am having with other company platforms. It is the wish to cater to those that use their smartphones for everything. Recently I wanted to pay a bill to the dermatology office I started seeing. The paper bill that came in the mail had no way to pay it other than signing on to a third company website. So I went there on my computer, at which point the instructions said to use my smartphone to take a picture of the section of the bill. I don’t want to use my phone to pay bills. It is too hard for me to read. I was willing to do it on my computer or even send a check. Neither way was available. There was a number on the bill, which I will say was only like $13.00 so not something serious, So I called it. The person kept asking why I just wouldn’t use my phone to pay the bill. I told them because I was not 25 but 60 years old and more important I did not want to. Lately, every company I pay online on the computer wants me to switch to my cell phone. Even my own internet company tried that, I flat out refused and had it out with the company chat support person and guess what, I suddenly could do it from my computer. These companies spent 50 years trying to get the public to pay their bills online, and now they are trying to force all of us to use smartphones instead of computers.
The point is WordPress is changing its programming, its platform to make using it with smartphones easier and better, but at the same time taking away the usability of those who use computers. Hugs. Scottie
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Don’t get me started related to WordPress!!! Half the time I’m unable to “like” or comment on a blog post without “logging in.” Then when I DO “log-in,” the next time I want to “like” or comment on another post ON THE SAME BLOG … guess what? Yup! I have to “log-in” AGAIN!!!
One thing I’ve found, it seems to be happening on blogs that are self-hosted, like yours. Those that are still using “wordpress” in their blog name seem to be OK. But not always!!
Anyway, even though it’s not the same, I can empathize with you about having to use your phone for everything. The world today has NO regard for the customers’ convenience.
OK. I’ll stop now. I could rant for another 5 minutes … but I won’t. 😇
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Hello Ali. It is hard for me to tell the true way it looks for others because I have my monitors set for very high magnification and my browsers set for large clear fonts at large point scales. So even if I pick a font from the theme menu, my browser changes it even without me signed in. But I struggle to get the fonts clear enough for my sight. I need new glasses but that won’t happen until next year. Hugs.
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Taking care of yourself is far more important than keeping your blog up to date. I believe your followers are well aware of your circumstances so don’t feel pressured to post when you’re not up to it.
As regards the font, I generally view all blogs via the WordPress Reader in a Web Browser and occasionally via the Jetpack app on my android phone. Both the reader and the app display blogs using their own styling and page layout, rendering all text as black on a white background regardless of the styling chosen by the blogger. I do this as I have a visual hypersensitivity and find coloured fonts and coloured backgrounds used on many blogs quite disorientating, and unfortunately the font colours you use on your blog have this disorientating effect. So I’ll leave it to others better qualified to comment on the changes you’ve made.
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Hi Barry. I am glad the reader is able to do that for you. I never realized the way I color it could be a problem. I do get carried away with coloring sometimes I guess. Nan also said once she likes it better in just black and white. Thanks for the feedback. Best wishes. Scottie
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The font is fine.
We will be thinking of you Scottie. Part of you will be in Wrexham N. E Wales.
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Thank you Roger. This time the attacks of the past was worse than it had been for a long time. See it is always there, in someways it is in the back of my mind and my body remembers it all. But I can keep it from overwhelming me. I like to use the image of it in a chest wrapped in chains thrown into the deepest depths of the ocean. But sometimes it escapes a little and sometimes it escapes a lot. This episode was a lot, and I just couldn’t stop it or make it go away. It has gotten really bad a few times, requiring me to get medical help. I almost asked Ron to help me get that same kind of help this time. Again thanks for your support, it does help to know you and your family care. Hugs
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We will be thinking of you Scottie, and wishing you deliverance from these fearful episodes.
Send our best wishes to Ron too.
Sheila & Roger
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Hugs, dear friend.
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Hello Jill. Thank you for all the support and help you have given me. I don’t think anyone know about the emails and support you have given me. As I just explained to Roger, this one was bad. This episode was pretty high on the “I can not handle this or deal scale”. I almost asked Ron to help me get medical help again. I have had that kind of help in the past, including when ordered by the courts as a child due to the abuse. I can’t remember if I told you that for a while in grade school, and I struggle to remember the age I was, one of the local town police would come to the school in full uniform, take me to the doctor or clinic, then on the way home stop at his mistresses house who he was having an affair with. I would sit in the living room listening to them fuck right after I had a therapy session for my abuse or a doctor examine me for more bruises / damage, then he would return me to school. I can not remember if I ever spoke to him during these trips, I just did as told, went where told, I was mostly numb those days. Again, just part of a past I have to live with. As I told Roger, it is always there in my body’s memory, it’s in my mind, I just normally can push it back far enough to ignore the howling of the beast. Thanks again. Hugs
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The reality of your childhood, Scottie, makes the worst horror novels seem like a walk in the park. My heart breaks for you, but it also cheers for the wonderful person you have become. Out of the ashes arose a phoenix! And as re my support … I offer you this:
Hugs
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💖🤩🤗Thank you. Hugs. Scottie
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Huge Hugs 🤗
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