An update to my post … Shit, shit, he knows, hell I told him. It hurts. He hugged me

Several concerned wonderful people have contacted me via email and other online ways including comments here.  I want to thank everyone.  Even if in my replies I stumbled a bit.  But mainly everyone wants to know how I am doing and how Ron is handling it.  

That night as I wrote, Ron came into the bedroom where I had retreated to trying to hide my tears.  He was very gentle, moving slow enough to not startle me in any way, and rubbed my back and arms until I fell asleep.  The next day that morning he was so soft with me, again trying not to be in any way abrupt with me, and even though we were rushing to get things done before his sister got here for a visit.  He asked me several times if I wanted to talk more.   Then she arrived.  

While his sister has been here, we can not talk openly about my abuse or what I told Ron about it.  It would kill me.  So Ron has been finding me alone either in the bedroom or in the Pink Palace, and quietly telling me he loves me, holding me and asking if I am OK, or at night holding me close and telling me how much he loves me.  At night he asks if he can hold me or if I would like to hold him.  Anything to be close in a nonthreatening manner, to remind me those days were far behind me.  

If that was the end of the story, I would feel better.  But I have a building nervousness.  After his sister leaves, he is going to want to talk.  At some moments I want to … and at others I feel so much unease about it. I doubt he would want more details, and if he did I would give it, but that is not Ron’s way.  But he is going to want to talk about me, how I am feeling, about what I need to move forward and heal.  And I simply don’t know what to tell him.  All my life until just a short time ago I tried hard to bury it, to ignore it, to deny it.  Ron really understood I was suffering in 2014 when I had my breakdown and started cutting my self again while refusing to leave my bedroom.  I have not even shared the details with my doctors, only telling my primary I was abused as a child and also because she noticed the fresh cuttings on my arms and needed answers before she would give me my needed treatments / medications, I told my pain doctor.   Her response was wonderful and the only doctor who has done this.  She inquired if she could hug me, and I told her I would like that.  So we to this day always start each visit with a hug and end it with a hug. She also was the one who helped me get therapy at a cost I could afford and I have not seen it show up in any of my records.  

So I have anxiety over what Ron will want when his sister leaves.  But also I know now that Ron will be careful and gentle with me.  But even though I told him some, I left out so many details.  Should I tell him more?  Do I go back to hiding everything?  I am so uncertain and worried.  I know I shouldn’t be, he loves me and he proved he will not hold my abuse against me, he has shown he doesn’t think I am all the things they told me I was.  But still I am worried, I am scared.  Hugs.  Scottie