Short update. When Ron got home from shopping, he sensed something was wrong. He asked me about it. I told him briefly I had some more intrusive memories. He was quiet and then said when we put the groceries away we will talk. After we got done I went and sat down, I was not sure that I wanted to tell him, I had hid so much for so long. He asked if I wanted to talk and could he know what was upsetting me. We sat and talked, I told him the new memories, the details that were flooding my brain, the feelings I was experiencing with them. Every time I got to points where I would be too upset to talk, starting to cry he would tell me to slow down, breathe, take your time. Then when I got it all out, I couldn’t look at him. He softly said I needed to distract myself, and I explained how that was what I was trying to do but that wouldn’t help me heal or get over anything, we both knew from experience. I told him I needed a few minutes alone and he gave me that. When I came out he walked slowly to me and held his arms out, and I grabbed him, I clutched him. He held me back and kept telling me they were gone, they couldn’t hurt me anymore. Finally, I stepped back and said to him, but that is where you’re wrong, the memories don’t stop. The feelings don’t stop. And when I remember the abuse, I also feel the abuse. He pulled me to him and held me tight. He had no words, and I don’t have any either. I know eventually I will share this with all of you who want me too or are able to deal with it. I have learned that talking about it does help in a weird way. Yes it hurts at first, deeply intently, but ignoring it makes the pain build and become much worse.
For some reason at first when I was telling him I thought Ron was going to reject me as he started looking away. Then after I now realize he was struggling not to cry and with his anger, both which would have hurt me had he shown them. He has gone to lay down for a nap, talking to me about it first. I feel weird again. I know he will be watching me, he will be worried. Did I do wrong to tell him? Should I have hidden it, gone back to the days before he really knew much? Now my doubts are creeping in and trying to take root.
I am not going to proofread this for errors. Sorry, I do need to step back. Please overlook them or if they are important call me out in comments. I have spine shots tomorrow at 10. I have to get my mind in a better place, I have to find peace. Hugs. Scottie
Know I am safe. Ron is grocery shopping, but I have people to contact. Please understand once I got past the shock and could deal I texted Randy. But he is at work and the boss, so I am OK enough not to need his time, even though he offered. He is so grand, if the abused people ever had the same set-up as the AA / friends of Bill, he would be the world’s best sponsor. I am not in a safe enough mind place to tell everyone about the new memories / fragments. I have just stopped crying because I wanted to type and forced my attention on the keyboard. Every time I try to type what I remember, I fall apart. But part of me knows to turn to the computers, to Scotties Playtime, to focus hard on this … what ever this is. Because if I don’t the vortex may come. Even the thought of it just started body reactions I am struggling to control. Part of me is trying to deny the memories, to force them back into forgetfulness, to put them back in that chest wrapped with chains thrown into the deepest part of the ocean … but … I know enough to understand I can not heal or maybe even really deal with them until I am able to write them, to vocalize them, to accept them and then conquer them with all the strength of the person I am. I have to get the emotions under control. I want to slide into despair, wondering if it will ever stop, to what if I lose control, to wanting to hide, to crying / shaking / scared when as an adult right now in my home I have no reason to be afraid. I think that now that Ron knows so much more when he gets home, I should tell him about this. My instinct, what I have always done, is hide it from him. But maybe it will help if I tell him. Anyway. Got to go, everything hurts, I … Just have to go. Love and hugs. Scottie
I am way behind in reading and replying to comments. But I am supper glad I saved them for getting to when I could. This comment from Suze is outstanding. I will first post the link she left it on, then her comment. Hugs. Scottie
NBC NEWS: WATCH: Kids sell food and drink on the streets of Rafah to help support families
SUZE HARTLINEWhat a grand cartoon to describe what really is happening with the republican right wing these days. Please click the link and read the cartoon. Hugs. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 