I just can’t accept ….. By Randy

“Looking Back, on the memory of, the dance we shared, ‘neath the stars above….”   One of my favorite songs.  Today I spent some time looking back and there were some tears, and there were some smiles, and there were some surprises that found me shaking my head in wonder all as I “thumbed through” a blog I wrote some ten years ago.  In truth, it comprised some of the most creative and out-reaching time of my life, as short as that duration was.  But, it also opened my heart, chipping off the armored crust that I’d built to keep me safe. 

   Today I reread a post I wrote about being invited to what should be a very nice thing:  Christmas Dinner.  I was miserable.  (https://wordsthateffect.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-lonely-walker.html)  What surprised me was that I still remember that pain.  I don’t remember specifics of the day, I remember how much it hurt to be cast away as inconvenient only to be so magnanimously called back like a dog once again let into the house.  I felt obligated to go, I felt obligated to forgive the hurt I felt, and I felt obligated to be the good guest who buries the hurt and the abandonment I felt even though I was an adult and shouldn’t be so easily hurt.  I was the bad dog, let back into the house, and quite frankly I was “just fine” outside.  Just fine, thank you very much.  …  … 

There is a song written by the group Imagine Dragons, called “Believer”.    I’ll not speak for the artist, but it always hurt, this song.  For me, it spoke about how the singer was made a believer, was made what he was told he was no matter how he fought against it.  Imagine the power we have over people that we can develop their very self image! 

 But, that song also gave me hope as I realized that if we have the power to negatively impact the very way someone sees themselves, we also have the power to positively impact their life.  We can make them a believer of something truly grand for their life.

   I left blogging because, as I mentioned, it forced me to open my heart and dang that hurt.  I had to watch the greatest ugliness to find a way to demonstrate that it was not reasonable or godly to be so hateful, and often that ugliness was voted for by people I loved.  I wrote posts about people being abused.  I wrote posts about young people listening to others demean them and those like them.  I wrote about hopes lost, lives lost, tears shed, and dark times.   It frightens me as I look over those past blogs more than a decade old that things have not seriously changed, though I do think that more people understand that we are all different, each of us unique and special and worthy of love.    As we come upon another presidential race I hope people will consider the world they want to create, the legacy we hope to pass down to our younger generation, because that is the defining aspect of the voting process.