I should explain

Hello Everyone.  As everyone knows my blog means a lot to me, I have used blogging the friends it brought me as a help against all the bad memories I have in my life.  But for the last three weeks I couldn’t really do the blog and today at nearly 1 pm, after being at the computer since 3:30 am, I am just now starting to get to the comments I love.  

I went to bed yesterday after a grand meal of a steak and large salad.  Even though I did not finish all the steak but did eat the entire salad is because I just don’t eat like I use to, I now eat like an older person.  But it was great and grand.  But after, I went to bed about four pm.  

I woke on and off until 1:30.  I tried to go back to sleep but at 3 am Ron’s rescue cat tummy feed me alarm went off so I got up to feed him.  At 3:30 I got to my computers.  Then I went to the Male survivor site.  I found I had several private messages and a bunch of replies to what I wrote before.  Plus there were 20 more posts.  I read them and replied to those I had something to add to the thread.  Plus it is not just one person, every person is adding their thoughts and we all add our responses to them.  It took me until 10 am this morning to clear it all out.  Then I had to lay down and I slept for an hour and half.  

When I got up, I went to the admin on my blog and checked the posts from Ali and Randy.  I set them up in tabs to like, add comments to, or just read.  I love that both Ail and Randy are adding their thoughts here.  First it makes sure there is content when I can not get to it, and second what they both post is their ideas, their concerns, and different from what I might post.  As Ron says it broadens the blog to give a far more diverse reason for people to come visit.   Not to steal from the Christian or other holy books, but I looked on it and find it good.   😛😀😁😍😎

I have been feeling dragged out and tired.  But I am hoping as the cold fades and I have more energy I can do better at handling both the blog and the other sites.  I hate the feeling that there is simply not enough of me, and both Ron and Randy are worried about the time I am spending on the abuse site, immersed in others abuse and reliving mine.  They are afraid it will cause me a relapse into depression on my own abuse.  Yes it is possible I have already had bad dreams and been fighting that at night.   

One guy was abducted at age 7, tortured and abused to be made a sex toy for a cult leader.  Scary stuff, after a few years he was rescued, but still finds himself hitting himself if he doesn’t refer to the guy who abused him as master.  He hits himself before he can stop it. Then he simply gave himself to anyone who demanded it or told him to please him. As a teen and young adult he simply lived in a house with no clothing thinking he had a boyfriend who loved him, but instead the guy would invite friends over and they used him when ever they felt like it.   He got to the point that no matter what he was doing guys who were friends with his “boyfriend” simply would grab him and fuck him or tell him to drop down to suck them off.  I understand the trained behavior, I was trained to it also.  But most of mine stopped when the hell spawn left the house, only the adults were left to use me and occasionally the hell spawn came back or took me to their home to service them.  One took me out in his semi and forced me to “please” him when he parked in a truck stop.  I was an adult maybe 26 and still had not learned to tell them no.  I never went out in his truck again no matter how much he tried to get me to.   

The victim and I spend hours talking, writing back and forth.  He wants more like a video call or phone call, but I have explained to him those things trigger me.   Even now at 61 there are only two people in my life I feel comfortable / OK talking to on the phone, I still resonate with the beatings to never touch a phone as a child.  I do much better on a computer or video app on the phone like FaceTime, because I don’t have to look like I am holding a phone to myself, getting open for an angry beating.  But with ear buds it works also. 

So right now I am tired.  Again, I am going to lay down a few minutes because I can not finish this, my eyes are crossing.  Yhrrn —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Several hours later …   I just got up.   What happened is along with my normal medication I took a med my doctor wanted me to try that is also given to MS patients.  Ron has it at a much smaller dose.  He wanted me to try it with my other when my muscles hurt or spasms more than I could stand with my regular medication.  I took a half one.  When it kicked in, my eyes crossed and I felt so tired, needing to lay down.  Once the med cleared my system after a few hours I feel fine again but I will say my pain and spasms are much better.  I got so foggy I wrote the last above the line before I went to bed.  I decided to leave it in.   

So the day is gone by, I have not posted or replied to comments, I have not helped Ron much around the house.  I plan to make a sauce tomorrow.  I did not even post my meme post this week, but I have not added to it in four days until today.  So I think I will hold it a few days, or at least until tomorrow afternoon.  

I thank everyone for hanging on here, to listening to me, Ali, or Randy.  I feel so much better since I got up, I am going to go to the blog and reply to comments that are there I have not lost yet.  As always to those who posted a comment I missed, reposted it or use my email listed to get my attention to it.  Know I love you.  This is a minor hiccup that is going to work itself out soon.   Hugs.  Scottie