As many here may know by now, I have PTSD and Intrusive Thoughts. An intrusive thought is an unwelcome, involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate. Everyone here has been very supportive as I have been having a surge in memories and issues with it. Memories of humiliations, rapes, forced oral sex, and horrific punishments for a kid of 3 to nearly 8 years old. Things like rubbing alcohol poured into my stretched wide butt cheeks as I was held down nude, to let it flow over my anus to my tiny balls and dick. Things like being tied to the stair banister with something that kept him head yanked up, blindfolded, hands either tied to the railings or through them so I couldn’t use them to help myself. In that position the hell spawn would leave me to randomly come by to hit me, stick something in my butt, pinch me, put painfully cold objects or painfully hot ones on my sensitive areas including submerging my tiny genitals in them. Anything to torture me and see me cry for hours. The memories cause the bombardment of thoughts. Suze here recommended a cortisol level check as that will make it harder to stop the thoughts. She said there is medication to lower the level.
I told Ron about her recommendation and Ron also agreed. But unknown to me Ron was looking up a medication he takes, Sertraline.
I went to bed about 7 pm. I couldn’t sleep. When he came to bed at 9:30 pm, I told him I couldn’t sleep, that my mind wouldn’t slow down, the thoughts were feeling like constant bombs going off in my head. As we lay there he was reading his tablet and I was trying hard to sleep. I was occasionally spitting out a word here or there that I couldn’t stop and did not realize I did it until after it came out, I was involuntarily waving my hands like I was trying to push something away from me. Again not knowing I was doing it until I did it. That is when he said he had looked it up and it was also used to treat PTSD and intrusive thoughts. He takes a very small dose of 50 mg he said. I reminded him what happened when they tried to put me on those mood stabilizing / mind numbing drugs. He said that he thought it was time for me to see someone again and start treatment before it get worse. He had hoped it would pass and wain like it normally does, ramp up, spike, then drop down to manageable. Now he was worried. I told him I did not want the costs of a therapist right now, and I did not want to see one. He wanted me to call or message my primary care with the issue and see if they could handle the issue as his handles his anxieties.
That is a big step. Ron has not pushed me to see a therapist in a very long time. Over a decade or so. But I have this last year been telling him in detail the different things I remember and the abuse I suffered and from whom. Before it was always the generalized, not specifics. He doesn’t want me to return to a state where I am hyper vigilant, started in to flight or fight at every sound. Unable to sleep and when I do, then screaming out in my sleep or begging not to be hurt. He is worried I will get back to the point that if I am sleeping and he walks into the room I wake in fear ready to fight to defend myself, not yet aware of where I am. So in the next few days I will do as he asks, and check in with primary care. Hugs. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 
It’s always, important, to find someone who can, offer you the, emitional support that you needed, someone who can, accept you, for your, past trauma, and, still love you, unconditionally, and, as you find that someone special, you will be able to, learn to, forgive the childhood self, that was, severely, abused by someone you, trusted, completely. It’s, never easy, to, overcome our, past traumas, and it seems that, you’ve, taken that first step, to, overcome, your, traumatic, past, with the unconditional love and support of your, partner in life, congrats, on thst, very first step you are taking, to, overcome your, past.
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Hi TAURUSINGEMINI. Thank you. Ron is and has been my loving rock I can hold on to when things get bad in my life. Hugs. Scottie
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I do hope that your PCP will be willing to try this for you. I’m proud that you are recognizing that you need to do something. Blessings for you, and thank whatever gods or goddesses are appropriate for Ron. 🫂 if welcome.
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Hi Janet. If he won’t I will go through my endocrinologist as Suze suggested. As for recognizing my problem I am not sure that I would if not for Ron pushing me and the people here on the blog who care doing so. I did not realize how bad I was getting in truth, I figured I was still holding on. I now see I was leaning ever more heavily on my support systems of Ron, Randy, and the blog people such as yourself as I spiraled ever deeper into my emotional despair. Ron tells me he doesn’t think I am too bad right now but the trend is clear to him. I will be honest, I hope the doctors don’t insist I go to therapy again. I know a lot of people get a lot out of it, but I dislike it a lot. I find it upsetting, draining, and unsatisfying. But I will do what I can to deal with the situation. Thank you for caring about me. In the world today to find so many people who care so much for others is a treasure I don’t take for granted. I appreciate all of you who care so much for me. Hugs. Scottie
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Good. I’m so relieved to read this. I’m certain your PCP will help you with this; you’ve written they’re very understanding, caring, and compassionate. Mental and physical health are inextricably entwined. I hope this moves along for you, and that you’re comfortable, and most importantly, that it helps you.
What can we do? Send me an email if you like. I would have emailed this, but didn’t want to add a task to your stack. This is good. It’s good that you’re caring for yourself, and your husband is guiding you with his knowledge, experience, and his love. I could just cry with joy about this.
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Hi Ali. Thank you. I am not sure that I would be taking this step if not for Ron giving me the nudge or push to it. Ron tells me he agrees with Suze that I need to go through my endocrinologist first as cortisol is their domain. As I wrote to Janet I just hope they will not insist I got back into therapy again as I hate it, I do not find it freeing or beneficial.
Ali, every one here has done pretty much all they can, and more than I would have expected. The support and out pouring of love is clear and supportive. Not I have to do my part in my healing journey rather than let others do it for me. As for not adding to my tasks, thank you. I find with the sinus infection and the effects of the antibiotic to remove it, I am withdrawing. I have spent more time laying in bed, I feel too tired to move. I think part of it is true need for healing and the rest though is … the kind of depression I had in 2014 where I would just lay on the bed and wait to not be. I wouldn’t interact with life. I let the blog I had then simply suffer and wither as I wanted no interaction with life. Ron tells me not to read too much into this as I have been very ill and need time to build up my strength, but … I want to only watch all the movies I have not seen over the last ten years, yet when I start watching them I get bored and want the blog. So … Anyway, Monday I will contact the endo’s office to see what they say. Hugs. Scottie
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