I am an older gay guy in a long-term wonderful relationship. My spouse and I are in our 36th year together. I love politics and news. I enjoy civil discussions and have no taboo subjects. My pronouns are he / him / his and my email is Scottiestoybox@gmail.com
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18 thoughts on “My feelings and upset 9-3-2024”
Hi there Scottie.
As I listen to your account of this hard time you are going through, there is a resonance and I can understand what is going on. Maybe not the exact details but the certainly the motivations.
Our minds are complex things in which we can be prey to many triggers. In particular when it comes to those past times we have have suffered or known a tough time.
There are times when we feel the need to turn off and just watch a TV show or maybe just potter around with some minor hobby. Everything else can feel an effort. Even those things we normally want to do.
One aspect which truly struck a chord was feeling you couldn’t do your blog. Again there are times when I have just run out of words and the effort to find words. The cause will differ from yours, but believe you me ‘I get it’. Truly.
At the risk of repetition. Yes there are times when those triggers go off, the darkness comes sweeping in over the horizon, or the pain just breaks out and you feel like you just want to switch off and hide. Yeah I get it. Truly.
Advice over the net, by-email, or by any means short of one to one face to face can be tricky. Without those intonations in the voice or the body gestures which emphasise or elevate the words. So I’ll spare you advice in written words. I’ll come back again with ‘I get it’ and ‘Its not you failing Scottie,’ ‘It is. It’s not fair that it happens, but it’s not a failing, it’s not a weakness. It is The Misery. Bitter episodes, which come,’
We will prayer for you. We will think of you. We send you our best wishes. We ‘get it’. We understand.
Thank you Roger. I do feel like I am failing, the blog, my followers, my online friends, everyone. My emotional state is gaining strength and I find my control less. My husband is worried. I am too old to be dealing with this, I have dealt with it in some form all my life. The worst thing Roger is I can not figure out what to do about it. I feel so frustrated, so ready to break, so wanting to spend all day alone in bed, or watching videos that mean nothing and have no consequence all by myself and forget … forget it all. Just let everything stop, let it all go away. But it never does and I cannot let myself do that. Plus my body hurts so much the last couple of weeks. It is taking a toll, plus I need to increase the medications which also make my emotions go crazier. I don’t want to and refuse to feel sorry for myself. It is a useless emotion and thing to do, I would rather be productive and happy. But I am not happy. I am very tired, raw, hurting, and confused / depressed. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Best to you and Sheila. Hugs. Scottie
There are at times when a true blog writer will encounter a feeling they have a duty to their readers, friends and followers. This is laudable Scottie, and shows something of a true heart and belief in the message. Particularly when the writer is writing against the narrowness of hate and prejudice.
This said it is also essential that the writer allows themselves space and time to regroup and refit when there are other factors at work.
You have a wonderfully strong output Scottie, way beyond anything I could match. There is nothing wrong with at times taking a pause, taking a break, resting.
Personally I would have suggested watching tv shows for extended times as you have been doing. These are interludes which can be accepted as part of resting. Some folk will seek that in extended period of reading or listening to music.
My own recent experience was and still is making small cardboard counters of warships from the 19th Century. Something which an wargamer, or modellist would not blink an eye at. A time out. Maybe sounds out to some, but I shrug and carrying on.
There will always be episodes Scottie when the burdens of Life Past and Current or fears of the Future will come and catch up with us. The reasons are myriad. The triggers are sometimes easy to see, sometimes not so much. Then can comes with pain of the Mind, or the Heart (not the physical one) of the Body, or sometimes a combination of all three or two. They can leave us immobile or rudderless. They do happen, I have in varying degrees experienced them, I have witnessed them. Due to some sudden change in dynamics I have seen roles of supporter and supported switch within minutes.
One of the great struggles is when medication is involved which is necessary when there is great pain. Pain is an ultimate challenger because it cannot be negotiated with, you can’t reason with it, and it wears you down, and takes from your judgement and self-worth. And the medication also has its say, medication always comes with some price. Some deal huh?
Yes I can understand you feeling drained, and raw; hurting and confused. There is a fearful inevitability about those when placed under such pressure. And let you call out with all courage and defiance, and I quote from your own words:
“I don’t want to and refuse to feel sorry for myself. It is a useless emotion and thing to do, I would rather be productive and happy.”
And therein lies a light which refuses to go out, a determination which remains despite all of the storms.
Therein is Scottie. Still. Battered and yet not completely overwhelmed. Reaching out, looking outwards from that which surrounds you.
I am not inclined to tell folks ‘Hey-ho. It will get better’ like it will happen all of a sudden. That’s not my outlook on life. I will say though – ‘Keep on. Just do. One hour. One day at a time. At times that is enough. Just to keep on. Even though in someway or another it hurts,’
We are with you Scottie. You are with us.
We are with you Ron. You are with us.
Hi Janet. Very welcome. As you can see from my reply to Roger, I am in a bad place and way. Not sure how to get out of it. Not sure what to do. I have been building and now I am really struggling with emotions, memories, physical pain, worried about depression. My one doctor tells me I have PTSD from my abuse and it will flare up worse sometimes. I am just struggling to deal with it. To tell the truth I don’t want to deal with much, just watch mindless shows that are meant to entertain. But no worry friend, I will beat this tiger and get back up on the horse. Tomorrow is another day. And the past was a very long time ago … that a lot of the time feels like it is today. Oh thanks for the blessing sigh off on your blog and the hugs here. From what Ron tried to involve me in it is a very loving caring faith dedicated to helping people. I am just glad you got out of Texas and are living life your way. Hugs. Scottie
Hugs and blessings are always available, and you are right. They are not just a social nicety. At least not when I offer them. Be better. Until then, just be. Tomorrow is another day. Trust me when I say I know what it feels like to feel helpless. I think I’ve already told you, I too am diagnosed with PTSD. What I’m fairly certain you don’t know is that I have no fewer than 3 sources of trauma I’ve identified, and almost certainly one more of which I simply have no memory.
And let me say, before you wish for that? It’s no fun not knowing why you suddenly go into fight or flight mode. (Oh, and it’s actually fight, flight, freeze, fawn now.)
Hi Janet. Thank you. I do understand not knowing. I have huge gaps in my early childhood. I was heavily drug daily with Valium, and when traffic at parties with booze and other drugs. I fractured vague glimpses of memories that are disconnected and disjointed. I grieve with you for your trauma and hurt. I know the site I am on is for males, but I think there are some for females.
Do you have or belong to a coven? I would like Ron to find one but he lost a lot of interest after the two friends he had who were into it left. Hugs. Scottie
Other than parental emotional (and mild violence) abuse, of which I have some memories, I really don’t remember any of the probable CSA. I know there was a pediatrician, once, who got way too intimate during a physical exam. That was in middle school. I later read he’d been convicted and imprisoned. I felt guilty for a long time that I didn’t do anything about him. But I somehow knew m parents would never have believed me anyway.
I am a recent transplant to this area, and currently practice as a solitaire. My spiritual family, my coven, are all still in Texas. We keep in touch, but it’s just not the same as in person gatherings.
Hey, Scottie. Well, I’ve been a bad girl today, too. I watched your video on YouTube on my phone earlier while jogging, but I haven’t been around the computer much today, so my apologies to you and to anyone else eagerly awaiting posts that have not materialized. Some days! I’m not having the sort of day you’re having, just a day when I haven’t gotten to the computer much. So, I’ll go to work here in a bit, though I’ll have to make supper, too. Ah, well. It all gets done. I’m sorry your day is this bad. The only other thing I’d say is, if you like that show and want to keep watching, you should do that. It’s why we grow up, so we can do some things we want to! I hope you rest well, and that you don’t awaken at 1:52AM to come read and post.
Hi Ali. Every day doesn’t have to have a lot of posts, just something so people don’t forget the blog. I never want you to feel the pressure I do with it. As for me and how I feel I explained it to both Roger and Janet so to keep me from retyping it all maybe you can look at it.
Yes I was busy to day, Ron wanted me to go out with him and get me some shoes as we are trying to walk which is putting stress on me along with my worn out sneakers. Thing is I cannot find something that feels comfortable that I like the look of. We were gone all morning until nearly 1 PM.
But Ali, honestly it is more than just being busy and it is actively not wanting to engage. Ever since I got sick I noticed I was losing the ability to focus on the news, hurting more, and being more emotionally upset. I think a lot more on the intrusive thoughts and the horrible memories / emotions flooding me right now. All I want to really do is watch mindless entertainment stuff that doesn’t require me to focus on news or my feelings or what is happening in my mind, but only focus on the show and the characters in it. When it gets bad like when we got home I only wanted to go to bed and ignore the world and try to not exist. But I stayed up and worked on things and got feeling some better. My pain is down, I added some extra medication and got some things done. Anyway.
Thank you Ali. I know you are a good person who cares. I just have to keep finding my way out of the dark cave, swimming to the top of the deep sea, finding better ways to chain the memories / emotions up in a stronger chest and sink it to the deepest ocean possible. I will survive, it was long ago, I can defeat it. I just need a bit of time and maybe some down days to just watch videos, TV shows, and movies to pull me out of what is going on with me. The only thing I worry about is if it works, will I want to only do that only forever. Hugs. Scottie
What’s wrong with that if you do want to watch videos for longer than a few days? People take vacations, go places, do things they don’t normally do, and enjoy themselves or escape or what they need at the time. You get to do that, too. If games and movies/TV shows are your vacation, then you just have you a well-deserved vacation! I remember you’re escaping from worse than most people are, but the principal is the same. Go ahead and try it-it could simply be good for you, and lead to improvement, then you can balance back in the things you want to do.
I’m glad to read that your pain is down, though. I was concerned about that after watching today’s video. What a dang adventure retail shopping can be, right? eerrgghhh.
Hi Ali. I like the idea of having set days to do posts, and then the other days goof off with less stressful things. But sadly I feel driven to fix things, right the wrongs, fight the fights. If you read the about page I wrote about why I do this, I feel a need to stand up for others that have no voice, who are underdogs, people being harmed by people who have power. Just like I wish someone had been able to do for me as a child.
I dislike shopping especially for shoes. See my feet were damaged during my abuse, so the tops of my feet are very sensitive to pressure. Plus I have trouble getting shoes that fit correctly. Only one time have I been able to find a pair of shoes in a half hour visit to a single store. That is the pair I have now that are sadly getting far too worn out to support my feet. I love the Sketchers memory foam shoes. I have to have a shoe with a soft padding for the bottom of the feet.
I don’t mind going by myself to the grocery store or the pharmacy to pick up a few items. But going with Ron grocery shopping is a nightmare of pain for me. Ron is a careful diligent shopper but unorganized. He finds the best buys, spends hours shopping, looks over every product. I cannot stop and stand that much. So while he is comparative shopping I have to walk and come back, walk some more come back until he is done. The last few times I went with him I ended up sitting in the car while he finished shopping. So now I mostly stay home. Hugs. Scottie
Hi Scottie, Have you heard of the Spoon Theory? I’m sure it is applicable to you.
The Spoon Theory is a metaphor created by Christine Miserandino to explain the limited energy resources available to individuals with chronic illnesses. It uses spoons as a visual representation of energy units. Each task or activity throughout the day requires a certain number of spoons, and once an individual runs out of spoons, they have no more energy to expend.
Spoon Theory for the Chronically Ill
For those with chronic illnesses, the Spoon Theory helps illustrate how they must carefully allocate their energy throughout the day. Simple tasks that healthy individuals might take for granted, such as getting out of bed, showering, or cooking, can consume significant amounts of energy. This means that people with chronic illnesses often have to make tough choices about which activities to prioritize, as they may not have enough spoons to do everything they want or need to do.
Spoon Theory for Autistics
The Spoon Theory is also applicable to autistic individuals, who often face unique energy-draining challenges. Autistic people may experience heightened levels of fatigue due to sensory overload, social interactions, and the constant effort required to navigate a world not designed with their needs in mind. For example, a trip to the grocery store might take multiple spoons due to sensory overload from bright lights, loud noises, and crowded spaces.
Don’t beat yourself up for not having enough spoons!
🫂
Hello Barry. Thank you very much. Two people who have suffered abuse have tried to explain it to me, but you did it much better.
Autistic people may experience heightened levels of fatigue due to sensory overload, social interactions, and the constant effort required to navigate a world not designed with their needs in mind.
I am sorry that happens for autistic people, but I would say I also walk that world but am not as aware or understood the concept. I am so sorry Barry that you and others who neurodivergent people have to experience such ignorance from the rest of us. It is not fair. But in some ways my history of abuse makes me as different and unable to function as a lot of society does toward you. I simply never learned to react Normally or as others did.
May I share with you how you have changed my thinking on this subject? In the hope you agree, I almost wrote phrasing that made it seem like this was a thing that needed curing instead of a need to change society to understand others needs. While I understand my first thought of how I would write this, when I compared it to what you shared / taught me I realized it was inappropriate. Thank you. I only hope more Neurodivergent people share their stories, as you have done so more to help the rest of us understand the struggle and how unfair we have made the world for people like you. I am sorry for that.
Tonight I had a long conversation with the person who helped me through the time I was melting down in 2014. You might think of him as my support person. I wanted to die, but was not willing to do it. This person despite having to work 12 hour night shifts in a bad job still stayed awake during the day and if I had not called them every few hours called me. He got me to stop cutting / self harming and helped me back into the world from the very dark place I was. Here is some of our exchange to night. We were talking about my spending so much time and being available to the people on the Male Survivor site I am a member of.
He said: In all honesty, it is baffling how you aren’t in a psych ward. I wrote: See most of the people there had either a few years of sex abuse or had it, but there was no violence. I had it all for 17 years, abuse in all forms, emotional, physical, and sexual, plus I was raped by three people as a young newly adult in the military, one was a woman who raped me four times before I ran nude from her room to my sergeant’s room (who would become my boyfriend for a few years) in tears sobbing. He comforted me and told me he would take care of it. He did.
Barry I guess I am struggling with how to balance my spoons with all the new hurting people on the MS site reaching out to me, and still fulfilling my duties on my blog and else where. I owe so much to the blog and the people who come here, yet I am torn because there are people there who cry out for help and I so much want to offer them what ever comfort or help I can. Does that make sense? I was damaged so I want to help others who were also damaged. So Barry, how do I get more spoons? Can I get some back that are no longer needed? I really can not give either groups without my support or input, not my blog nor the Male Survivor site. As always your thoughts matter to me. Thank you. Best Wishes. Scottie
First the bad new: There’s only a finite number of spoons. Sure you can borrow some from tomorrow or you can save some of today’s for tomorrow. You can learn how best to manage them, and also learn how to use less spoons for some tasks.
For example there was a time when doing the grocery shopping in store was so exhausting that one trip to the supermarket used up almost two days worth of spoons. Now we do almost all our grocery shopping online. We choose to pick up our orders as it saves a delivery free and the pickup lockers are located outside the store with reserved pickup parking. Now grocery shopping uses no more spoons than driving a few kilometres. Driving is something I’ve always enjoyed
“I owe so much to the blog and the people who come here, yet I am torn because there are people there who cry out for help and I so much want to offer them what ever comfort or help I can.“. I’m going to respond to this by using a metaphor. I hope you will grasp my drift: When the cabincrew take you through the preflight emergency instructions, they emphasise that if oxygen masks drop, to securely fit and activate your own mask before helping anyone else with theirs.
There’s a lot more I want to say, But I’ve already borrowed some spoons from tomorrow, So I’ll be brief. If you feel conflicted conflicted between you blog and the MS site, then it means you’ve run out of spoons. Those of us on your blog who have grown to (I hope this word is not too over the top) love you are not going to feel betrayed or abandoned if you feel called to minister to those on the MS site. My personal view is that if you feel that calling, answer it. The only caution I’ll ofer is that I understand the Male Survivor site is a mutual support site. You yourself are not yet healed from all your trauma, but by helping others you may receive help in return. But please please remember that it’s not a “Scottie saves the world” site.
Thank you Barry. I appreciate all you wrote. I think I am going to have to back off MS because it is opening my wounds and has my husband and my wonderful brother friend extremely worried. I have already had several bad episodes and today I got badly triggered because to offer support I have had to write about the parts of my abuse I have even left off my blog. Diving that deep back into it and explaining ever more … it is more than tasking, it is now causing me emotional instability and harm. I even see it now.
You wrote “You yourself are not yet healed from all your trauma, but by helping others you may receive help in return. But please please remember that it’s not a “Scottie saves the world” site.”
That has become so very clear to me now. But how to do it, how to spend less time there and more healing time for me … I am not really sure how. Part of who I am, who I wanted to be when I left the AP and hell spawns control was the opposite of them, I wanted to be a caring kind, loving, giving person, who thought of others needs to help them rather than to exploit them for my own advantage. Plus to tell the truth I miss the blog and the people on it. I miss reading other peoples posts I follow. I did not finish on the MS site until well after noon here. And I was on it since I got up at 4:30 am.
Thank you for your help, your kindness, your grand insight into my issues. Best wishes. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 
Hi there Scottie.
As I listen to your account of this hard time you are going through, there is a resonance and I can understand what is going on. Maybe not the exact details but the certainly the motivations.
Our minds are complex things in which we can be prey to many triggers. In particular when it comes to those past times we have have suffered or known a tough time.
There are times when we feel the need to turn off and just watch a TV show or maybe just potter around with some minor hobby. Everything else can feel an effort. Even those things we normally want to do.
One aspect which truly struck a chord was feeling you couldn’t do your blog. Again there are times when I have just run out of words and the effort to find words. The cause will differ from yours, but believe you me ‘I get it’. Truly.
At the risk of repetition. Yes there are times when those triggers go off, the darkness comes sweeping in over the horizon, or the pain just breaks out and you feel like you just want to switch off and hide. Yeah I get it. Truly.
Advice over the net, by-email, or by any means short of one to one face to face can be tricky. Without those intonations in the voice or the body gestures which emphasise or elevate the words. So I’ll spare you advice in written words. I’ll come back again with ‘I get it’ and ‘Its not you failing Scottie,’ ‘It is. It’s not fair that it happens, but it’s not a failing, it’s not a weakness. It is The Misery. Bitter episodes, which come,’
We will prayer for you. We will think of you. We send you our best wishes. We ‘get it’. We understand.
Roger & Sheila
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Thank you Roger. I do feel like I am failing, the blog, my followers, my online friends, everyone. My emotional state is gaining strength and I find my control less. My husband is worried. I am too old to be dealing with this, I have dealt with it in some form all my life. The worst thing Roger is I can not figure out what to do about it. I feel so frustrated, so ready to break, so wanting to spend all day alone in bed, or watching videos that mean nothing and have no consequence all by myself and forget … forget it all. Just let everything stop, let it all go away. But it never does and I cannot let myself do that. Plus my body hurts so much the last couple of weeks. It is taking a toll, plus I need to increase the medications which also make my emotions go crazier. I don’t want to and refuse to feel sorry for myself. It is a useless emotion and thing to do, I would rather be productive and happy. But I am not happy. I am very tired, raw, hurting, and confused / depressed. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Best to you and Sheila. Hugs. Scottie
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There are at times when a true blog writer will encounter a feeling they have a duty to their readers, friends and followers. This is laudable Scottie, and shows something of a true heart and belief in the message. Particularly when the writer is writing against the narrowness of hate and prejudice.
This said it is also essential that the writer allows themselves space and time to regroup and refit when there are other factors at work.
You have a wonderfully strong output Scottie, way beyond anything I could match. There is nothing wrong with at times taking a pause, taking a break, resting.
Personally I would have suggested watching tv shows for extended times as you have been doing. These are interludes which can be accepted as part of resting. Some folk will seek that in extended period of reading or listening to music.
My own recent experience was and still is making small cardboard counters of warships from the 19th Century. Something which an wargamer, or modellist would not blink an eye at. A time out. Maybe sounds out to some, but I shrug and carrying on.
There will always be episodes Scottie when the burdens of Life Past and Current or fears of the Future will come and catch up with us. The reasons are myriad. The triggers are sometimes easy to see, sometimes not so much. Then can comes with pain of the Mind, or the Heart (not the physical one) of the Body, or sometimes a combination of all three or two. They can leave us immobile or rudderless. They do happen, I have in varying degrees experienced them, I have witnessed them. Due to some sudden change in dynamics I have seen roles of supporter and supported switch within minutes.
One of the great struggles is when medication is involved which is necessary when there is great pain. Pain is an ultimate challenger because it cannot be negotiated with, you can’t reason with it, and it wears you down, and takes from your judgement and self-worth. And the medication also has its say, medication always comes with some price. Some deal huh?
Yes I can understand you feeling drained, and raw; hurting and confused. There is a fearful inevitability about those when placed under such pressure. And let you call out with all courage and defiance, and I quote from your own words:
“I don’t want to and refuse to feel sorry for myself. It is a useless emotion and thing to do, I would rather be productive and happy.”
And therein lies a light which refuses to go out, a determination which remains despite all of the storms.
Therein is Scottie. Still. Battered and yet not completely overwhelmed. Reaching out, looking outwards from that which surrounds you.
I am not inclined to tell folks ‘Hey-ho. It will get better’ like it will happen all of a sudden. That’s not my outlook on life. I will say though – ‘Keep on. Just do. One hour. One day at a time. At times that is enough. Just to keep on. Even though in someway or another it hurts,’
We are with you Scottie. You are with us.
We are with you Ron. You are with us.
Roger & Sheila.
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Thank you very much Roger. Hugs. Scottie
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Hugs back Scottie.
😀
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🫂 if welcome.
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Hi Janet. Very welcome. As you can see from my reply to Roger, I am in a bad place and way. Not sure how to get out of it. Not sure what to do. I have been building and now I am really struggling with emotions, memories, physical pain, worried about depression. My one doctor tells me I have PTSD from my abuse and it will flare up worse sometimes. I am just struggling to deal with it. To tell the truth I don’t want to deal with much, just watch mindless shows that are meant to entertain. But no worry friend, I will beat this tiger and get back up on the horse. Tomorrow is another day. And the past was a very long time ago … that a lot of the time feels like it is today. Oh thanks for the blessing sigh off on your blog and the hugs here. From what Ron tried to involve me in it is a very loving caring faith dedicated to helping people. I am just glad you got out of Texas and are living life your way. Hugs. Scottie
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Hugs and blessings are always available, and you are right. They are not just a social nicety. At least not when I offer them. Be better. Until then, just be. Tomorrow is another day. Trust me when I say I know what it feels like to feel helpless. I think I’ve already told you, I too am diagnosed with PTSD. What I’m fairly certain you don’t know is that I have no fewer than 3 sources of trauma I’ve identified, and almost certainly one more of which I simply have no memory.
And let me say, before you wish for that? It’s no fun not knowing why you suddenly go into fight or flight mode. (Oh, and it’s actually fight, flight, freeze, fawn now.)
Blessings and more 🫂
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Hi Janet. Thank you. I do understand not knowing. I have huge gaps in my early childhood. I was heavily drug daily with Valium, and when traffic at parties with booze and other drugs. I fractured vague glimpses of memories that are disconnected and disjointed. I grieve with you for your trauma and hurt. I know the site I am on is for males, but I think there are some for females.
Do you have or belong to a coven? I would like Ron to find one but he lost a lot of interest after the two friends he had who were into it left. Hugs. Scottie
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Other than parental emotional (and mild violence) abuse, of which I have some memories, I really don’t remember any of the probable CSA. I know there was a pediatrician, once, who got way too intimate during a physical exam. That was in middle school. I later read he’d been convicted and imprisoned. I felt guilty for a long time that I didn’t do anything about him. But I somehow knew m parents would never have believed me anyway.
I am a recent transplant to this area, and currently practice as a solitaire. My spiritual family, my coven, are all still in Texas. We keep in touch, but it’s just not the same as in person gatherings.
Hugs and blessings. 💜
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Hey, Scottie. Well, I’ve been a bad girl today, too. I watched your video on YouTube on my phone earlier while jogging, but I haven’t been around the computer much today, so my apologies to you and to anyone else eagerly awaiting posts that have not materialized. Some days! I’m not having the sort of day you’re having, just a day when I haven’t gotten to the computer much. So, I’ll go to work here in a bit, though I’ll have to make supper, too. Ah, well. It all gets done. I’m sorry your day is this bad. The only other thing I’d say is, if you like that show and want to keep watching, you should do that. It’s why we grow up, so we can do some things we want to! I hope you rest well, and that you don’t awaken at 1:52AM to come read and post.
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Hi Ali. Every day doesn’t have to have a lot of posts, just something so people don’t forget the blog. I never want you to feel the pressure I do with it. As for me and how I feel I explained it to both Roger and Janet so to keep me from retyping it all maybe you can look at it.
Yes I was busy to day, Ron wanted me to go out with him and get me some shoes as we are trying to walk which is putting stress on me along with my worn out sneakers. Thing is I cannot find something that feels comfortable that I like the look of. We were gone all morning until nearly 1 PM.
But Ali, honestly it is more than just being busy and it is actively not wanting to engage. Ever since I got sick I noticed I was losing the ability to focus on the news, hurting more, and being more emotionally upset. I think a lot more on the intrusive thoughts and the horrible memories / emotions flooding me right now. All I want to really do is watch mindless entertainment stuff that doesn’t require me to focus on news or my feelings or what is happening in my mind, but only focus on the show and the characters in it. When it gets bad like when we got home I only wanted to go to bed and ignore the world and try to not exist. But I stayed up and worked on things and got feeling some better. My pain is down, I added some extra medication and got some things done. Anyway.
Thank you Ali. I know you are a good person who cares. I just have to keep finding my way out of the dark cave, swimming to the top of the deep sea, finding better ways to chain the memories / emotions up in a stronger chest and sink it to the deepest ocean possible. I will survive, it was long ago, I can defeat it. I just need a bit of time and maybe some down days to just watch videos, TV shows, and movies to pull me out of what is going on with me. The only thing I worry about is if it works, will I want to only do that only forever. Hugs. Scottie
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What’s wrong with that if you do want to watch videos for longer than a few days? People take vacations, go places, do things they don’t normally do, and enjoy themselves or escape or what they need at the time. You get to do that, too. If games and movies/TV shows are your vacation, then you just have you a well-deserved vacation! I remember you’re escaping from worse than most people are, but the principal is the same. Go ahead and try it-it could simply be good for you, and lead to improvement, then you can balance back in the things you want to do.
I’m glad to read that your pain is down, though. I was concerned about that after watching today’s video. What a dang adventure retail shopping can be, right? eerrgghhh.
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Hi Ali. I like the idea of having set days to do posts, and then the other days goof off with less stressful things. But sadly I feel driven to fix things, right the wrongs, fight the fights. If you read the about page I wrote about why I do this, I feel a need to stand up for others that have no voice, who are underdogs, people being harmed by people who have power. Just like I wish someone had been able to do for me as a child.
I dislike shopping especially for shoes. See my feet were damaged during my abuse, so the tops of my feet are very sensitive to pressure. Plus I have trouble getting shoes that fit correctly. Only one time have I been able to find a pair of shoes in a half hour visit to a single store. That is the pair I have now that are sadly getting far too worn out to support my feet. I love the Sketchers memory foam shoes. I have to have a shoe with a soft padding for the bottom of the feet.
I don’t mind going by myself to the grocery store or the pharmacy to pick up a few items. But going with Ron grocery shopping is a nightmare of pain for me. Ron is a careful diligent shopper but unorganized. He finds the best buys, spends hours shopping, looks over every product. I cannot stop and stand that much. So while he is comparative shopping I have to walk and come back, walk some more come back until he is done. The last few times I went with him I ended up sitting in the car while he finished shopping. So now I mostly stay home. Hugs. Scottie
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Hi Scottie, Have you heard of the Spoon Theory? I’m sure it is applicable to you.
The Spoon Theory is a metaphor created by Christine Miserandino to explain the limited energy resources available to individuals with chronic illnesses. It uses spoons as a visual representation of energy units. Each task or activity throughout the day requires a certain number of spoons, and once an individual runs out of spoons, they have no more energy to expend.
Spoon Theory for the Chronically Ill
For those with chronic illnesses, the Spoon Theory helps illustrate how they must carefully allocate their energy throughout the day. Simple tasks that healthy individuals might take for granted, such as getting out of bed, showering, or cooking, can consume significant amounts of energy. This means that people with chronic illnesses often have to make tough choices about which activities to prioritize, as they may not have enough spoons to do everything they want or need to do.
Spoon Theory for Autistics
The Spoon Theory is also applicable to autistic individuals, who often face unique energy-draining challenges. Autistic people may experience heightened levels of fatigue due to sensory overload, social interactions, and the constant effort required to navigate a world not designed with their needs in mind. For example, a trip to the grocery store might take multiple spoons due to sensory overload from bright lights, loud noises, and crowded spaces.
Don’t beat yourself up for not having enough spoons!
🫂
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Hello Barry. Thank you very much. Two people who have suffered abuse have tried to explain it to me, but you did it much better.
Autistic people may experience heightened levels of fatigue due to sensory overload, social interactions, and the constant effort required to navigate a world not designed with their needs in mind.
I am sorry that happens for autistic people, but I would say I also walk that world but am not as aware or understood the concept. I am so sorry Barry that you and others who neurodivergent people have to experience such ignorance from the rest of us. It is not fair. But in some ways my history of abuse makes me as different and unable to function as a lot of society does toward you. I simply never learned to react Normally or as others did.
May I share with you how you have changed my thinking on this subject? In the hope you agree, I almost wrote phrasing that made it seem like this was a thing that needed curing instead of a need to change society to understand others needs. While I understand my first thought of how I would write this, when I compared it to what you shared / taught me I realized it was inappropriate. Thank you. I only hope more Neurodivergent people share their stories, as you have done so more to help the rest of us understand the struggle and how unfair we have made the world for people like you. I am sorry for that.
Tonight I had a long conversation with the person who helped me through the time I was melting down in 2014. You might think of him as my support person. I wanted to die, but was not willing to do it. This person despite having to work 12 hour night shifts in a bad job still stayed awake during the day and if I had not called them every few hours called me. He got me to stop cutting / self harming and helped me back into the world from the very dark place I was. Here is some of our exchange to night. We were talking about my spending so much time and being available to the people on the Male Survivor site I am a member of.
He said: In all honesty, it is baffling how you aren’t in a psych ward. I wrote: See most of the people there had either a few years of sex abuse or had it, but there was no violence. I had it all for 17 years, abuse in all forms, emotional, physical, and sexual, plus I was raped by three people as a young newly adult in the military, one was a woman who raped me four times before I ran nude from her room to my sergeant’s room (who would become my boyfriend for a few years) in tears sobbing. He comforted me and told me he would take care of it. He did.
Barry I guess I am struggling with how to balance my spoons with all the new hurting people on the MS site reaching out to me, and still fulfilling my duties on my blog and else where. I owe so much to the blog and the people who come here, yet I am torn because there are people there who cry out for help and I so much want to offer them what ever comfort or help I can. Does that make sense? I was damaged so I want to help others who were also damaged. So Barry, how do I get more spoons? Can I get some back that are no longer needed? I really can not give either groups without my support or input, not my blog nor the Male Survivor site. As always your thoughts matter to me. Thank you. Best Wishes. Scottie
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First the bad new: There’s only a finite number of spoons. Sure you can borrow some from tomorrow or you can save some of today’s for tomorrow. You can learn how best to manage them, and also learn how to use less spoons for some tasks.
For example there was a time when doing the grocery shopping in store was so exhausting that one trip to the supermarket used up almost two days worth of spoons. Now we do almost all our grocery shopping online. We choose to pick up our orders as it saves a delivery free and the pickup lockers are located outside the store with reserved pickup parking. Now grocery shopping uses no more spoons than driving a few kilometres. Driving is something I’ve always enjoyed
“I owe so much to the blog and the people who come here, yet I am torn because there are people there who cry out for help and I so much want to offer them what ever comfort or help I can.“. I’m going to respond to this by using a metaphor. I hope you will grasp my drift: When the cabincrew take you through the preflight emergency instructions, they emphasise that if oxygen masks drop, to securely fit and activate your own mask before helping anyone else with theirs.
There’s a lot more I want to say, But I’ve already borrowed some spoons from tomorrow, So I’ll be brief. If you feel conflicted conflicted between you blog and the MS site, then it means you’ve run out of spoons. Those of us on your blog who have grown to (I hope this word is not too over the top) love you are not going to feel betrayed or abandoned if you feel called to minister to those on the MS site. My personal view is that if you feel that calling, answer it. The only caution I’ll ofer is that I understand the Male Survivor site is a mutual support site. You yourself are not yet healed from all your trauma, but by helping others you may receive help in return. But please please remember that it’s not a “Scottie saves the world” site.
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Thank you Barry. I appreciate all you wrote. I think I am going to have to back off MS because it is opening my wounds and has my husband and my wonderful brother friend extremely worried. I have already had several bad episodes and today I got badly triggered because to offer support I have had to write about the parts of my abuse I have even left off my blog. Diving that deep back into it and explaining ever more … it is more than tasking, it is now causing me emotional instability and harm. I even see it now.
You wrote “You yourself are not yet healed from all your trauma, but by helping others you may receive help in return. But please please remember that it’s not a “Scottie saves the world” site.”
That has become so very clear to me now. But how to do it, how to spend less time there and more healing time for me … I am not really sure how. Part of who I am, who I wanted to be when I left the AP and hell spawns control was the opposite of them, I wanted to be a caring kind, loving, giving person, who thought of others needs to help them rather than to exploit them for my own advantage. Plus to tell the truth I miss the blog and the people on it. I miss reading other peoples posts I follow. I did not finish on the MS site until well after noon here. And I was on it since I got up at 4:30 am.
Thank you for your help, your kindness, your grand insight into my issues. Best wishes. Scottie
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