Why I have not been on the blog, and what is going on.

Hi everyone.  Thank you to Ali and Randy for keeping things running here.  I went from my own personal melt down to now helping someone avoid theirs.  I will explain.  

So many may have noticed I am only posting view email news now mostly, I am not keeping up with comments, however I have saved them all in open tabs to get to later after this passes, and I am rarely interacting.

I really wanted to do this as a video as I feel I could do it so much better.  But I can’t ever find the time and now don’t have the energy to do it.  So here is what is going on.   

I have a friend who is a fellow survivor.  He was kidnapped at 7 yrs old and then tortured and trained to be a sex toy.  Very harsh graphics if you ever read it.  It led to lifetime victimization that he details on MS and with me in our talks.  But the short version is he got out of it when he turned 40 but it has nearly destroyed his life.   So now you understand the backstory.  We have been working on and helping each with our abuses.  He is one of the few people that understands some of the things going on with me and my issues.  He has insights that have helped me and I help him.  He tells me I am one of the few who also understand what he is dealing with emotionally.  

My friend Kamyk was getting very sick.  He has diverticulosis, infected pockets in his intestines.  But his are in his in colon area, the upper sigmoid colon.  He started having fevers of 104 and me and others begged him to go to medical care.  He did.  They hospitalized him because one or more pockets burst and were killing him.  But the suddenness of it and the situation left him without any of his coping methods such as his computer but only his phone which he used to contact me.   He has since gotten some things to help him, but his situation medically is iffy and his emotional situation is protected only by me and one other person that really can only contact him a few hours during the deep morning hours.  

So the first days of communication were me trying hard to keep him from freaking out and his needing me to be with him almost all the time he was awake.  He left our communications on even when the doctors were talking with him, which he gave them permission to tell me.  I have not violated those talks as my own training tells me what I can repeat and what I can not.  I do not repeat the doctor’s words but my friend’s fears and worries along with his understandings of medical things.  

That set up a pattern that was made from his desperation and fear along with my wanting to be there for my friend just like Randy was there for me when I had my break down in 2014.   He did the same thing spending as much time as possible that I needed but in his case he was working nights in a 12 hour shift in a hard job.  But he did it to keep me from cutting myself and my wanting to die.  I am now so much better I am paying his grand wonderful sacrifice forward.  Every waking moment I had was spent with him in his waking moment and he slowly adjusted so has become calm. I have only my health, abilities, and emotional stability to work around.  Again Randy had it much worse and he did it.  So then should I try.  

He today was going in for a dirty surgery.  I am not posting the details but to only say that this is not preferred and going to be hard on my friend.  I stayed with him via text even during my doctor’s office.   My provider is so wonderful she took time to explain his situation internally and reassure me.  But he went into the pre-op about 1 pm my time.  It is now 8 pm my time with no word from him.  Ron has tried to get me to go to bed, but I am so worried I can’t do so.  Ron has reminded me of my training that I know a hard surgery could take a long surgery recovery time and now he will need / want / be kept under so he is not awake to text.   But even though I know all that, I worked that, I did that, I still worry about my friend.   Not really for the surgery.  It will be what it will be.   But his emotional state when he wakes up.  He is so fragile.  I have had all my life to deal with mine, I had my melt down mental break in 2014 so have had time to deal with that also.   Kamyk just remembered parts of his abuse a year ago and his horrible kidnapping at 7 and the total mind, emotional, and physical fuck of a 7-year-old boy is something that is only months old and he is trying to deal with.  He has turned to me as so much of what he endured was like what I endured.  Sweet soul he is he thinks my own abuse was worse because of the constant violence I experience for 17 years, and I think his is worse because of the constant sexual use of his body over the years while mine was again only 17 years plus three people raping me as an 18, 19, and 20 year old, one person a female that made it worse for me somehow did it 4 times before I found a way to stop it.  I guess we are two very damaged people desperately trying to help each other in our passage in life.  

One last thing for this post.  I should have gone to bed at 5 or 6 when I was tired.  Ron is asking me to try to go to bed now.  But I don’t feel sleepy even though I woke at midnight and only had a 2 hour nap because he came and laid down with meat 3 pm today.  But remember I got shot up with steroids today.  It is going to wreak havoc with my emotions, with my sleep, and my eating needs for a few weeks again.  Thank each one of you that comes to Scotties Playtime and for each of you that read this post.  It is important to me.    Hugs.