Hello everyone. This is a hard post but one I feel I must make for my own continued healing and to explain why this season hits me so hard. Before I get to the abuse let me tell everyone that yesterday taking things out of the car I was standing sideways with my knee pressed hard against the seat of the car as I reached across needing just an inch or two to grab the package … and as I strained to grab the parcel my knee snapped, I heard a grinding sound and fell to the ground. I fell to the ground seeing stars.
Ron rushed to me as soon as he saw me on the ground, we got me into my room and realized that my knee cap had been pushed into the cartilage beneath the cap. What ever happened to my knee caused me agony and lost me the ability to stand or use my leg. The pain made moving my leg in any way mind-blowing excoriating pain. Remember I take two kinds of morphine and other pain relievers. Ron got my walker from the bedroom but even using that was not able to help me move around. I went to bed. During the night I was OK if I did not move. The longer I stayed still the more the knee healed and the few times I had to get up to pee, well I had the walker and now understood how to hold my leg. The more it healed, the better it got. So this morning I was able to get up, and using the walker make my way to the kitchen and make my coffee. Then on to the Pink Palace to start my day.
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Now to the reason for my post. I seriously warn for abuse trigger warnings. Please. The reason for this post, I am going to post something I wrote to a fellow survivor about why I get so withdrawn during this time. I appreciate his care and concern, plus I want you to know that it was Randy my grand real brother who talked to me this morning and made it possible for me to deal with posting this time in my life. I won’t include what he replied when I showed him the stuff I wanted to post but I assure you he was a comfort unparalleled in giving me the strength to do this. When I look to the past, what happened in late 2013 and in 2014 forward I wonder if I would be here if not for the unflagging love and care of my grand brother Randy.
Below is what I wrote to a fellow survivor who was worried about me.
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Grand for me this year I got a true real Christmas gift. One with no costs of my body for exchange as in my childhood if I wanted something. When at my youngest even food came with me providing sexual favors.
Yes this year I got a Christmas gift with no strings attached. Yes Ron gives me those but this one was special. My brother Randy gave me money to spend on me, not on the house, not on others, but just on me. I have been working for years with a broken keyboard which the backlighting has given out, and my mouse now takes many clicks to make work. Even Ron was frustrated by it during the times we sat together paying bills and wanted me to replace them.
So remembering the spirit this gift was given, I used it to buy the following things. It will make my life so much better. I got them in white. Thank you my grand brother. Hugs
https://www.logitech.com/en-us/products/mice/mx-master-3s.910-006558.html
https://www.logitech.com/en-us/products/keyboards/mx-keys-s.920-011559.html
Scottie's Playtime 
I’m glad to hear your knew has recovered as well as it has. I admit I started reading that with some degree of dread.
I did skip over the abuse part of the post. I may read it later. Not now though. Your new mouse and keyboard look very nice. Congrats on that. I’m glad you have a brother like Randy.
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Hello Janet. Randy is a grand person. We met on my first blog, Scottiestoybox. He wrote a story that was really good. Amazingly so. It was about an abused child and Randy rescuing them. It sang to my soul as they say. I told him of my own abuse in very vague terms. Randy sprang to my defense immediately and apologized for having sent such a thing to me … But I explained his writing was so well done … that I felt he must have had first-hand knowledge of the subject, which later I found out he did, he was an abused kid himself.
After that we kept talking and Randy turned out to be an incredible person, one who has enriched my life every day since we met. But the real event was in 2013 … my left leg bone died and I couldn’t do the job I loved anymore, an ICU CNNA. I had given up my disability to have a chance to do it, and my body had betrayed me. So I sunk into a deep depression. Then I wanted to die. So I lay on my bed waiting to die.
I left my room only to go to my mandated doctor’s appointments for my pain medications, which my dying body had made even more important. But Randy who was working 12-hour night shifts at a horrible job refused to just let me die. He called me, texted me when I refused to take calls (I had been beaten for using the phone) He would stay awake and stay on the phone no matter how I sobbed, how I begged to be let die. He was on the phone with me when he should have been sleeping but never shut me down or gave up. He kept hearing me and talking to me. He was the only voice I heard in those times that fought back against the voices of those who had hurt me, who had tortured me as a child. After about a year he convinced me to start living again. He had met my husband and the two of them worked together to get me back into life. I wish I had not lost the blog that detailed their struggle to save my life. But safe to say without Randy I wouldn’t be here, I wanted to die that much.
So Randy became the brother I never had. Unlike my hell spawn siblings that raped me even when talking me into being alone with them in my 20s, Randy has always been supportive and wonderful. He is smarter than I ever will be and you can see that by the few posts he writes. I wish he would write more. He is encouraging, supportive, and just a grand person. I love him, he is the family I never had. But I am so damn proud of and so damn glad to have today. Hugs
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Hi, Scottie! Your new keyboard and mouse look cool! What a great gift. Are you excited to use them?
Again, I am sorry about what you had to endure to get where you are today. It is very bad, and I do hope there will come a way for you to see more practitioners to help you with it. Meanwhile, though, take good care of our Scottie!
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Hi Ali. I really am. Yes they are a bit expensive but the system they work with lets me move quickly and smoothly between computers. Plus the keys are soft touch which I need. Plus backlit. The mouse can work on any surface and has all the buttons programmable so I can quickly move back and forth between pages and links. I can paste with a single click of a button. I have older models of both these in gray and I love them. The only thing I worry about is I choose white. I could have had pink, white, or gray. I went with white. But now I worry about how hard they will be to keep clean and will the letters / number symbols show up with white light on a white keyboard? But time will tell they will be here soon.
As for my health, the doctor has me doing more blood tests. He thinks my stroke back in 2023 caused my brain to stop sending the right hormone signals to my kidneys. The kidneys are to regulate the stuff in our blood to keep the at the correct level. My kidneys are being told to keep removing salt even though it is already too low. My blood salt level is 120 and if it goes lower to 115 I could start to have seizures. He called it Chronic hyponatremia. But it is one more thing to cause fatigue and weakness. Hugs
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