So today I have been having a very full day. I have been helping Ron with the bathroom stuff as well as I could. Did our morning walk. I talked to Ron a bought evening meals. I have been watching videos. I have been answering comments which always makes me happy even though I am getting tired. I am working on a post right now on the blogging computer how Ron and I redesigned the hallway bathroom. But even during all that old issues come up. I am so tired of it, and I am sorry to again hit you with it. But two videos showed up in my YouTube feed and I clicked on them. I have to say I shouldn’t have clicked on them, my own damn fault. Ok I admit that. But like a moth to a flame sometimes. What do I say? I should run, and keep running. But far too often I click. And I watch. And I hurt. But each of them tried to send me into the void. Luckily I have strong friends who keep that void from me. Here are the two videos below. I am not opening any more YouTube links for now except for those from those I know and respect. Hugs.
Unlike the story of the teen above I was shared willingly by my older hell spawn female siblings with their boyfriends / future husband. I was way to please the boyfriend without them having to do the work. When the oldest one’s second husband moved into our home and started raping me and her really young kids she laughed to my adopting mother saying it was so cute her soon to be husband thought he was sleeping with a girl. A year later her soon to be 8 years old son came to me saying he wished he had been born a girl so he could be a better girlfriend. I was so entrapped in my own abuse I couldn’t help him. Hell at that time I couldn’t even understand what he was saying, none of my abusers had told me I needed to be the girl, I just was. I regret that to this day. All I could do then was hold him and say please be glad of your man parts and don’t let anyone take them from you. I don’t know if that helped him or if he is angry because he told someone like I did, and they did not help. Sadly he told me who was being abused by the very people abusing him.
Both of these boys were me. Sadly in the first I had no one to go to, the teachers I told only abused me freely and the only time I pulled a gun on one of my abusers … something, maybe a higher power, maybe just a future me, or a better part of me, convinced me not to and to lower the gun, remove my hand from the trigger and to replace everything to the places they belonged. Of all the events in my life that once scares me the most. The idea if I had pulled that trigger that night. What might I have become. Horrible to think of. I was only 9 or so that night. How I might have destroyed the Scotty that was to be. But I had just been violently raped by one of my main hell spawn sibling abusers who had made me do unspeakable things before while growing up. Yet with the gun pressed to his passed out temple, my finger on the trigger, something held me back. I have never understood why. Surly I would have been let off by any court. Blood still tricked down my leg from his sexual assault. But really that was not the point. Something more was. At this point in my life at 62, I doubt I will ever know or understand. Love to all. Best wishes to those that don’t want hugs. Hugs.
Scottie's Playtime 
Scottie, I hate liking these, but I want you to know I was here, read, and I support you.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ditto
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hi Barry. I appreciate all you have taught me about autism. And more than that I have your latest posts saved to read as I find wisdom and great information in what you post. I see you agree with Ali and I do also. Please let me post what I wrote to her, sorry it got longer than I wished, that happens with me. Not sure why. Especially on this topic.
The fact that the first blog I started was a way to express my memories of abuse because in 2007 I had not really shared with Ron the depth of my abuse. I needed somewhere to put these thoughts and feelings. But that was then. Now I am older and wiser, I hope. I now have to put my pain somewhere but now I have to be aware of the damage that knowledge of what happened to me along with my feelings does to others. That is added trauma. Do I hurt others to help myself heal? The good and caring Scottie says no, I do not have that right. Far better to suffer in silence than harm others.
But that was what I did in my entire childhood as people at every stage of my life used my body for their pleasure and the violence at home grew worse. I ofter wonder if the teachers at my school ever wondered at the face bruises I had or in gym when we were forced to be undressed if the teacher ever noticed the bruises all over me? No one spoke up to defend me after the 1st grade event, that gave me no release from my abuse.
The fact is I am a damaged person. I know many on the Male Support site say no one is a damaged person, they are wrong. I was damaged from my first rape at 3 years old and my first forced giving oral sex to a male at 3 years old. Shortly later being offered a spot on a real bed for the night I had to orally please females. It was either that or sleep on my mat in the hallway. I was 3 yrs old, I took the warm bed. The males never invited me to their bed, they abused me on my mat or other places. I have been damaged for most of my life.
Maybe I should make this an entire post but that gets us back to this same place. Most adults are not “evil” people who use a child’s body for sex or to take their anger out on them in beatings. It upsets most people, it makes them want to turn away. So many adults turned away in my childhood. And I can not blame the teachers when I was 14 who used me, I made myself available and open to them. After all I had been taught to do that since I was in the second grade with the principal and other teachers. It seemed an open secret looking back at it now.
Sorry for evading the point of your comment. Let me try to really address it now. The liking of comments on abuse. I understand if you don’t do that. But please leave a note saying you at least read it. That is all I need to validate the feelings I am trying to purge. The like button is there for the WordPress algorithm to advance / push or not advance / push the post to others. I have little care about that. I want the people who are here to be so because they like the content, not be a bot. My first blog had over a million followers, I realize now most were bots.
So the like is not important. Ali and Barry and all who come here I know you don’t like what I endured. How can any sane moral person like what I went through. No I am not looking for that and if people do the like button I am OK with it as I understand it is just as you and Barry said, a way to acknowledge what I went through or are currently dealing with.
And even that seems so selfish of me. To just want others to hear my pain, to hear my story, to witness what no one did then … except one wealthy farmer who made me join his religion the price of being removed from my abuse … for a time. When I came back from the school the abuse started up. But I had more than a year of peace from it. So the military seemed the only way to really leave it behind. Sadly that did not work and I was raped the second day I was “home”. It took Ron to stop that.
To wrap this up for everyone and I will copy this to send to Barry as he also feels like you do, and Nan did before you as have others no longer following the blog. My life is jarring. Sadly it is real and painful. I have only two choices. Stop posting about it and suffer in silence like I did so much of my life, or push it out on to those that read the posts, which then hurts them. I seem like I am the abuser in this situation. Something that I never wanted to be.
So a solution that will work for me if everyone else agrees is if you read the posts about my childhood and young adulthood of rapes / abuse, don’t like the post. But instead put an emoji of support or a small comment of support. That really is all the small child in me needs, that someone heard me now. Because no one heard me then. It is terrifying to admit that the child in me when I am 62 years old wants someone to hear me. I know no one can change it, but the child wants to scream and beg, “please hear me and stop the pain”
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and clear this up. This was my life and the pain of it has never really gone away. I compartmentalize it and try to contain it, but what has been is. Others have the same issue. All of us do, everyone has something, some abuse they wish someone had noticed and changed. We simply have to stand together in support. That is what the Male Survivor site is about. Supporting each other. I hope to do that here. Best Wishes
LikeLiked by 1 person
Kia ora Scottie. I use “like” as a way to indicate I appreciate a post or comment or to say I value being considered worthy of being included in something very personal. What happened to you is a crime, and I know it’s not easy for you to share. For me it’s not so hard to listen, and in many ways I feel blessed that another person is able to open up their deepest fears – to trust me that I will not abuse that knowledge.
We have an expression that can be used in several contexts. It’s Kia kaha, which is a Māori expression that can mean “stay strong” or “my thoughts are with you” or “together we will get through this“. It conveys warmth and solidarity. So when appropriate I’d like to express strength, affection, togetherness, support, hope and positivity with you by saying:
Kia kaha 💪💖👥🤝🌈✨
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Barry. I am glad to read what you wrote. I have been impressed with your writing, your personal drive, and your willingness to share how being autistic has affected your life. You have opened my eyes and changed my thinking on this subject, and it is clear I still have more to learn. Being a good ally means knowing how to support the community. I need to learn how to be a better ally to the autistic community.
As for having people listen. I thank you for being willing to do so. As a child I really had hoped someone would come save me. I always knew I was adopted and I hoped my real family would swoop in to save me. I did not realize as a child I was pawned off and sold. No one heard my cries and those that did enjoyed them. To be heard now helps a lot but I don’t understand why. It can’t change the past, but it helps get the monkey of pain off my own shoulders. That you are willing to help me with that pain monkey is something I am very grateful for. I love the expressive nature of the Māori language. Kia kaha Thank you friend. Best wishes. Scottie
LikeLiked by 1 person
Kia ora Scottie,
I want to pick up on a comment you made to Ali, and you’ve mentioned something similar to me before. You wrote, “The good and caring Scottie says no, I do not have that right. Far better to suffer in silence than harm others.” You’ve expressed concerns that sharing your story might be harmful or abusive to others, and you don’t want to do that.
No, Scottie, telling your story is not and can never be abuse. I understand abuse as something bad that happens to you, over which you have no control—in other words, when you have no agency. I, and everyone else who reads your stories, do so by choice. We are free to read or not to read.
I read your stories because I know that writing about what happened to you has a cathartic effect. In your words, it “helps get the monkey of pain off my shoulders.” While none of us can change the past, we can empathize and offer you moral support. It helps remind you that despite what has happened in the past, your life is, and can be, filled with love and support from those who care about you. Take comfort in that.
Kia kaha 💪💖👥🤝🌈✨
LikeLiked by 1 person
Take comfort in that you wrote and I agree. Hi Barry. I do friend, I really do. In a way I don’t really understand why it is a comfort. I guess if I would give in and go back to therapy they could explain it to me.
A friend of mine on the survivor site talked about it. Our abuse, and his was as violent and as graphic as mine, makes us much more wanting to notice others because we were not noticed. We are the people than when in stores talk to the employees as people and inquire about them along with their day. We are the kind of people that in doctor’s offices we form bonds with the people that check us in, treating them as important people, remember things they tell us about them, their day, their situations.
At my allergy clinic there are three people sitting at the long counter. Each and every one of them call out to me. I ask about their schooling to the one doing continuing education, listen to the one whose mother just had bowel resection and is struggling with it how it is going for them. The other one I talk to about her home situation and how she is feeling. The older nurse since I have been there since 2007 I have let her share her son’s struggles and his successes and I believe he may be on the spectrum but was misunderstood for years, she comes from the back when I am there to greet me, then goes back to her job. The new nurse who was only there for 6 months soon started telling me all about their schooling to become an RN instead of an LPN. She sadly informed me she wouldn’t be there when I next came in as she had been offered a better job. I was ecstatic for her without denying I would miss her. I form bonds with them.
Barry it is the same here. It is why I love comments and why I get so frustrated and upset when I can’t answer them. I feel if a friend has tried to talk to me and I am ignoring them. The people who come here are such a grand group of people, a wonderful community and I do care for them. So to the point of your comment.
To the point of your comment and I see I need to look at it the way you describe. It is inspiring I think, I never put it this way in my head. I never put the idea of agency into it. I felt I was pushing my own feelings, my own abuse on you and all that come here. That was tearing me apart each post. How dare I do that to people I care about. In a way I felt I was unclean and throwing my filth at clean people who I should protect from my filth rather than infect them with it. I know that is weird but since I was 3 years old until I escaped at 24 had that hammered into me, often violently and humiliating.
So thank you for opening my eyes. I feel a desire to apologize for the length of my reply but … That is falling back into the mindset I am trying to break. Thank you for being a grand friend I need. Best wishes always.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Ali. The fact that the first blog I started was a way to express my memories of abuse because in 2007 I had not really shared with Ron the depth of my abuse. I needed somewhere to put these thoughts and feelings. But that was then. Now I am older and wiser, I hope. I now have to put my pain somewhere but now I have to be aware of the damage that knowledge of what happened to me along with my feelings does to others. That is added trauma. Do I hurt others to help myself heal? The good and caring Scottie says no, I do not have that right. Far better to suffer in silence than harm others.
But that was what I did in my entire childhood as people at every stage of my life used my body for their pleasure and the violence at home grew worse. I ofter wonder if the teachers at my school ever wondered at the face bruises I had or in gym when we were forced to be undressed if the teacher ever noticed the bruises all over me? No one spoke up to defend me after the 1st grade event, that gave me no release from my abuse.
The fact is I am a damaged person. I know many on the Male Support site say no one is a damaged person, they are wrong. I was damaged from my first rape at 3 years old and my first forced giving oral sex to a male at 3 years old. Shortly later being offered a spot on a real bed for the night I had to orally please females. It was either that or sleep on my mat in the hallway. I was 3 yrs old, I took the warm bed. The males never invited me to their bed, they abused me on my mat or other places. I have been damaged for most of my life.
Maybe I should make this an entire post but that gets us back to this same place. Most adults are not “evil” people who use a child’s body for sex or to take their anger out on them in beatings. It upsets most people, it makes them want to turn away. So many adults turned away in my childhood. And I can not blame the teachers when I was 14 who used me, I made myself available and open to them. After all I had been taught to do that since I was in the second grade with the principal and other teachers. It seemed an open secret looking back at it now.
Sorry for evading the point of your comment. Let me try to really address it now. The liking of comments on abuse. I understand if you don’t do that. But please leave a note saying you at least read it. That is all I need to validate the feelings I am trying to purge. The like button is there for the WordPress algorithm to advance / push or not advance / push the post to others. I have little care about that. I want the people who are here to be so because they like the content, not be a bot. My first blog had over a million followers, I realize now most were bots.
So the like is not important. Ali and Barry and all who come here I know you don’t like what I endured. How can any sane moral person like what I went through. No I am not looking for that and if people do the like button I am OK with it as I understand it is just as you and Barry said, a way to acknowledge what I went through or are currently dealing with.
And even that seems so selfish of me. To just want others to hear my pain, to hear my story, to witness what no one did then … except one wealthy farmer who made me join his religion the price of being removed from my abuse … for a time. When I came back from the school the abuse started up. But I had more than a year of peace from it. So the military seemed the only way to really leave it behind. Sadly that did not work and I was raped the second day I was “home”. It took Ron to stop that.
To wrap this up for everyone and I will copy this to send to Barry as he also feels like you do, and Nan did before you as have others no longer following the blog. My life is jarring. Sadly it is real and painful. I have only two choices. Stop posting about it and suffer in silence like I did so much of my life, or push it out on to those that read the posts, which then hurts them. I seem like I am the abuser in this situation. Something that I never wanted to be.
So a solution that will work for me if everyone else agrees is if you read the posts about my childhood and young adulthood of rapes / abuse, don’t like the post. But instead put an emoji of support or a small comment of support. That really is all the small child in me needs, that someone heard me now. Because no one heard me then. It is terrifying to admit that the child in me when I am 62 years old wants someone to hear me. I know no one can change it, but the child wants to scream and beg, “please hear me and stop the pain”
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and clear this up. This was my life and the pain of it has never really gone away. I compartmentalize it and try to contain it, but what has been is. Others have the same issue. All of us do, everyone has something, some abuse they wish someone had noticed and changed. We simply have to stand together in support. That is what the Male Survivor site is about. Supporting each other. I hope to do that here. Hugs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Don’t stop posting when it’s helping you, and don’t worry about people reading and liking or not liking. Some posts I just want to make sure you know I read, even if I have few or no words to return. If I can’t take a post, I won’t read it until I can. This is your blog to post as you need to post!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ali thank you. But as I reread what I wrote I teared up. Not over the talk of my abuse, my life and memories are what they are. But the idea I expressed that I could be an abuser of innocent viewers that come here. That terrifies me more than I think I can express. Yes expressing it, yelling it into the wind helps in some way. I do not know why. But I think you of all people might understand that wanting someone to see what was happening to you, and for it to stop. I am sure you have the memories that scare you or torment you. I worry my writing about my abuse may harm someone such as yourself who I care greatly for. Thank you for being willing to take on yourself my pain, but do I have the right to ask that? I am torn.
Lastly you say this is my blog to post as I need to post. I don’t feel that way. I feel this is a community that I have a responsibility for. It is your space / blog to post as you wish to, it is Randy’s blog to post as he wishes, and Ron has been inspired by Randy and yourself so now he wishes to have me set him up as an author so he can post. I love the idea. This blog has become more than just me and about me. You and Randy have kept the main idea I wanted which was giving a voice to those that have none, and also you have added your own touches to it. You have my respect with your efforts and I would only hope some day you will feel comfortable adding your own thoughts / feelings as I do. Just post what you feel or are doing, make it personal for you. I love that this blog has become a community while I continue to fade way, unable to even answer most comments I love. I hope if I have to leave it the blog could continue even if the name changes. Hugs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Whoa, Scottie! You don’t ask me or anyone to read this, and certainly you don’t ask me to take on your pain. I read or don’t read of my own free will. My free will directs me to read your posts because I’m your friend, and I’m strong enough to read your posts. If there’s a day/evening I don’t feel up to it, I’ll wait and read it the next day. I’m fine. I don’t take on your pain, but I do empathize with you, and try to send healing energy for you into the Universe (I know that’s not scientific, either!😉)
I’ll be so interested to read Ron’s posts! And please never fade away, Scottie! “Starlight” by Muse is one of my favorite songs, but I don’t want you to sing it!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Ali. You are and have been a grand friend. Your strength as a person comes though with your comments. Thank you for the song. I love a lot of music. But lately this is the one I seem drawn to. Hugs
LikeLiked by 1 person
That one’s a good one!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Ali. It took me a while because of the volume of the interments to the voice. But the phrase the singer says … the ship is taking me far away from the memories. Oh dear friend how I wish such a ship exists. How I would love it. I have not finished the song and I already sent you the one that haunts my mind. Hugs
LikeLiked by 1 person