Hi all. Thank you for being here. Thank you to Ali and Randy who keep the blog from becoming a feel bad for Scottie place. Last night I was feeling overwhelmed by the time I went to bed. I got up and told Ron I was going to bed because I was crying and trying to not let it show. He gets so upset if he comes to the office and sees me crying my eyes out. So I went to bed, hoping I could write a story in my mind to distract it / my mind from my damn first 24 years of my life. I got into bed and felt the void racing to cover me. The void is the huge dark emptiness that in my mind is like a tornado or hurricane. In the past Randy has helped me escape it by using him, his name, his person as a handle that keeps the vortex from being able to draw me in, to suck me down, to rip me away.
So I laid in the bed desperately trying to quickly create a narrative, a story that would keep my mind occupied so it would leave the memories and attach itself to the story I was trying to create. Most of the time, not always, but most of the time I can do it. Last night I failed. So in an attempt to quiet my mind and sooth my soul I turned to my saved music. I don’t listen to music much these days, preferring news podcasts and a lot of music I got from Jill and I owe her thanks, because it was some of her songs that helped me survive last night.
The double edge sword of the music is the lyrics and sounds that drew me to them to help me fight back the demons of my childhood gave them a foothold into my mind last night. But the music was working I was beating them back, not giving into the worst impulses, trying to hold on to sanity, and I was gaining ground. I tried to post them as a way to seek help. But for every step forward I was being knocked back. My pain was soaring.
Then Ron came to bed. Just walking in the room he realized what was happening. He turned on lights and moved the cat and asked me to cuddle with him. He took my phone and shut it down setting it on the bed headboard. He held me close before we even turned out the lights. I was struggling to speak and he simply held me until I calmed down. He kept talking to me and sadly I don’t remember what he said, just that I finally felt safe and warm. Then I feel asleep.
In the night I woke up to feed the cat at 03:30 and worried what I had posted in my pain. Then at 06:30 Ron and I both woke up to the cat wanting his window blinds moved up so he could see the kingdom outside he still feels is his domain. He howled until he got his way. I asked Ron is the same trick would work for me and he informed me to not even think of trying it.
Move to this afternoon. I was trying to answer comments and I have not done a real cartoon / meme post in days when at noon I got up to do the dishes. After I got done with them Ron mentioned he really would like me to make the kind of chili I was talking about the day before. I explained it was only an idea but we could try. I had already done the dishes and was needing to sit down but I started to do the chili with 2 pounds of Hamburg.
But the package recipe called for tomato sauce in a small amount. We had tomato sauce in 29 oz cans but not the small size needed. But I had a plan. I took a tomato paste can and added about the needed amount of water and heating it over the stove and stirred it into a nice paste. Now we could start. Sadly I was already wiped out. So I got out my rolling chair that Ron bought me. It is super high and able to let me look down into the highest posts on our stove sitting on the chair.
So the rest just followed. Browning the hamburger, and doing everything that came on after the other. Pictures will be below.
What we needed to decide next was do we add all the seasoning in the box or adjust to our own. I was used to adding them all and then adding my own. So we did. Then I got to playing. A dash of this here and a shake of that there. I added a couple spoons of garlic, which I love the taste of.
Then I got it to where I had only one thing left to decide, the masa. I had never added it before but I felt I should. What I was hoping was a rich brown smooth creamy sauce that the restaurant chili has and even the canned Wolf chili we get has. Mine did not come out like that. It was good but sadly not creamy reach like the store bought ones or the restaurant kinds. Ron added sour cream to his and said it made a big difference. The chili is not bad, it is very tasty and favorable. It just is more gritty and strong than it is smooth and flowing. Hugs and loves. If you have an idea what to do to make it seem more creamy and flowing brown, then please let me know. Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 
Masa works better if you add enough water to it to make a smooth paste before stirring it into the hot chile.
If you add it dry you can get that kind of grittiness you’re talking about. It also needs to cook in for a little while too. I usually add it, stir it in thorpoughly then let the chile simmer another 10-15 or so minutes.
It may just be in my head, but I think white masa harina works and tastes better than yellow.
Honestly though, the way to get the ‘creamy texture’ like the canned stuff you’re aiming for is probably to use corn starch instead of masa.
It doesn’t have the same flavor as masa, but it makes for a much smoother thickener. It too need to be mixed with liquid before adding, and it works much more quickly than masa.
I have found also that the brand you use is important. I think the kind I have in the house right now is ‘Maseca’ brand and I like it.
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Hi Bruce. Thank you for that information. Once I told Ron what you wrote he smacked his head and said, yes I knew that and forgot to do it. Ron says he doesn’t like corn starch because of how it reheats and we use the leftovers for breakfasts or quick lunches. I am so happy you responded as I am not the most skilled in the kitchen and go by feel and smell of stuff, and I love chili. Please send me any other suggestions you can think of. Or other recipes. Thanks. Hugs
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Also, whenever I need a small amount of tomato sauce , I pour the rest of the can into a ziplock sandwich bag. Let it freeze on something flat in the freezer and you have another little bit the next time, or just throw it into the next batch of pasta sauce you make.
if you have the room (we’re lucky and have a full-sized deep freeze in our kitchen too) fill an ice cube tray with the remainder, especially the 29 oz ones. Then when it’s frozen pop it out into a ziplock freezer bag. Then you have lots of same-sized small protions when you need them
I do the same thing with the diced roasted Hatch chilies I get at Costco. They invariably go bad if I just leave the open jar in the fridge, so when I open one, I put the remainer in a couple of ice cube trays the same way.
I suppose you can guess who’s the main cook in the desertrat household, lol 🙂
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I was thinking about that freezing idea. If I did that, the big trick would be remembering to use it next time I did something with tomato sauce. But it should work for normal people, like Ron and Scottie.
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🌞 That doesn’t always happen here when I do that, but sometimes it does.
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Hi Bruce. I read your suggestions to Ron and we both were amazed. We will do that in the future as it is better than trying to make our own. I have a feeling I am going to be drawing a lot on your ideas for cooking.
See the idea of me cooking / doing dishes / and laundry is that I can do the small amounts that don’t normally over stress my body / pain levels. Ron used to do all that, but at 70 he is finding it hard to do everything and still remodel the house and bathrooms. It is still hard on me, but it gives him the time to do the work I can’t even think of doing. Plumbing, wiring, walls, flooring, and so much more. Today nearly broke me but I was able to lay down and rest between things. But it means almost no time for the blog.
So we got up late. I used to spring up at no later than 5 am and race into my morning. Now I am barely up by 6 am and I stay in bed with Ron normally until 7 or 7:30. This morning I made breakfast of scrambled cheesy eggs for Ron and for me regular scrambled eggs. I also peeled and Ron chopped the fresh potatoes, I then fried them in avocado oil. I also had half cooked some bacon so we could have it quickly. Plus yesterday we sliced a ham so we had breakfast ham steak. My favorite. In scrambled eggs I put a bit of water in to make them fluffy.
Then I did the few dishes we had to be washed while I watched Sam Seder The Majority Report on the kitchen TV. I had to go lay down after that.
Then Ron wanted grilled cheese and ham sandwiches so again I agreed to cook so he could keep working on the projects around the house. For his I used two slices of mild cheddar on the bottom slice of bread then a thickish sandwich slice of ham which I then put a last piece of cheese on. I ran out of cheddar, so I used Swiss on the top of the ham, then another slice of bread. Put them in a large size frying pan with higher sides, and you can make toasty brown grilled cheese ham sandwiches. I would love any suggestions you have. Oh I use real soft butter on the bread. Thanks and hugs.
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Scottie, there is a “local” company that makes seasonings here, and I really like their chili seasoning. It contains masa, I think, because the end product is thick and not gritty. An additional benefit (for me) is no added salt. The company is Williams. The Original is perfect, but their Tex-Mex is outstanding if you care for more heat. If you especially care for heat, add a can of habanero Rotel instead of regular tomatoes. Wonderful! Now I don’t know if that brand sells there, so I included that link. They make other seasonings, as well. Great flavor without so much salt.
Also Bruce’s advice is good, as I’ve made chili with masa separately, and found the same things about cooking. I’ve never used the cornstarch, but of course a slurry of that would work.
Yours looks delicious!
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Hi Ali. Thank you for the suggestion. I am trying so hard to cook, making interesting meals giving Ron time to do the projects he is feeling he is not up to anymore. I know it is simply he is frustrated at having to start over but he is the one that decided that. I am not sure if we have them in my area as I have never seen them in the seasoning packets area, but I will keep looking. Thanks for any and all your cooking suggestions. I do enjoy it but often feel overwhelmed and out of my element. In my childhood you could tell what day of the week it was due to what was for supper, not that I was always allowed to sit at the table and eat it. And later when I was able to get more food what was served was not always good. The adopting male would put something in a cast iron skillet and go out to work in his garden or workshop. What came out couldn’t be chewed, which he saw no issue with as he had only four teeth left until he got dentures so he told everyone to just cut the hockey pucks that were on the plate into small enough pieces to swallow whole. I regretted that I was allowed in my teenage years to sit at the table and given the food. Somehow starving to death seemed better. I never ate meals in the house in my teen years. I ate one meal a day in Jr / Sr high school and at the table I took the smallest amount possible to choke down. But the fights continued and I still had to duck under the table. I just was not as scared as I was before I got into a school I could get food on my own. Often my daily intake of food was two hot dogs and fries. If the school served spaghetti or pizza I ate as much as I could during lunch. I can’t say for sure but I think the lunch people knew because if I took more than the two slices allotted or came back for more they never said anything or charged me more. Looking back I must have looked pathetic as a small thin kid looking hungerly at the food. Hugs
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Here’s a page where you can look at recipes, and there is a product locator button about mid-page (down just a bit.)
Looks like you can order it online at Walmart.com, Sam’s Club, (if you have these stores,) and of course Amazon, if you’re still using them for cat items. Maybe Santa can deliver some in a couple of months…🧑🎄
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I got so excited about the chili seasoning, I omitted my sorrow that those things happened to you. It’s not your fault.
Good thing you have your own house, now, with your own kitchen and table, and you can cook very well!
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Hi Ali. Sorry replies are so haphazard and not dependable. I really want to reply and I love the comments even if I don’t but things are a bit difficult for me now. I Thank you so much for saying I cook well, but part of intrusive thoughts and 23 years of being told how worthless I was, how the only thing I was good for was to be abused, that I was not worth keeping alive has made me very unsure of anything I do. And any embarrassment to be more mental punishment I visit on myself.
So Ron could focus on the room I made him a breakfast of peeled chopped fresh potatoes which I fried in advocate oil, a small ham steak we split, and some bacon I precook half way and then finish when we want it for breakfast. Then I rested and did the dishes during The Majority Report. At supper time Ron was still working on something that needed to be done before the bathroom thing could continue so I made supper. I took two packages of ham sandwich slices we had just sliced, I had already taken out real butter to soften. Ron picked out the cheese he wanted which was mild cheddar slices. I picked out pepper jack and Swiss cheeses for mine.
The way I build them is a real buttered slice of bread butter down in the pan, two slices of cheese laid to fit the size of the bread, then the ham. Thin sliced ham gets a few slices, and the way we do sandwich ham slices the thickness is enough for only one slice of ham. Then I layer on two more slices of cheese to the size of the bread. The grilled cheese and ham sandwiches I make are thick and cheesy and Ron loves them. But I made four for him and had to mix his cheddar with the Swiss cheese as I ran out of the cheddar. But sadly I was wearing out and I did not feel up to eating so I did not make any for me. I was in a lot of pain, pain medication, and went to bed.
Lastly two things are a funny story on cooking and a sad story from my childhood. My adopting family did not season. Their only seasoning was salt or pepper and adding onions or green peppers to red sauce. The funny story was that when moved to Florida and Ron was teaching me to cook his way, he left instructions on what to season a whole chicken with and temperature to put it in the oven for and how long. I was so to do it for him when he got home from work. When he saw the chicken in the baking pan he burst out laughing. I was hurt. Then he explained that the chicken was upside down. I explained to him it fit better than the way, and being OCD I felt that was the way to do it. He said it did not matter it still tasted grand. Anyway I hope these posts show how I have advanced in the cooking food world.
Oh one other thing I should mention. Have been hungry so much of my childhood, having almost died of malnutrition, I tend to try to buy too much and cook far more than we could eat. In 35 years Ron has been trying to assure me I won’t go hungry and I don’t need to cook so much. I remember going into restaurants with him and only ordering what I was familiar with that I would eat and then ordering two meals. Ron did not know my full history so wondered at that. Now he tells me to relax, we have food, we have snacks, I will not go hungry. Now he freezes a lot of the leftovers so we can have them another day when I overcook. It is still something I wake up terrified by, nightmares of watching others eat when I am so hungry and begging. I have to go on to other comments. Thanks for listening to me it makes a huge difference. Hugs
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Hi Ali. The recipes look great. Hugs
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