“Tonight’s top story: No news is good news.”
“When you travel back in time, remember not to do anything that may alter things in the present—you know what? Never mind. Go for it.”
“I’m so disgusted with people who aren’t speaking up right now! But they better have flawlessly curated statements when they do—unless they’re ignorant on the issue, in which case they better educate themselves—but also they’re too late.”
“. . . and then Randy Quaid yells, ‘Hello, boys, I’m back!,’ and flies his jet right into the alien ship, blowing it up, and I think you all just need to be more like that.”
“Today I announce the deployment of troops to the home of a man who called me a mean name seventy years ago.”
“So, with this shutdown, can we get an exit-through-the-gift-shop thing going?”
“Wages are down, prices are up, and terror and uncertainty plague the streets, but first our top story—why aren’t women having more babies?”
“What a great view of everything I’m allergic to.”
Scottie's Playtime 