Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them.
A short video about how tired I have been and Ron’s car crash.
Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them.
Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them.
Scottie's Playtime 
Heavenly Father,
Today we lift up Scotty to You in prayer.
You see the battle he is facing with his health, the pain, the weakness, and the fear that can come with difficult days. Lord, place Your healing hands upon him and give him strength when his body feels tired.
Bring peace to his mind, comfort to his heart, and hope to his spirit. Surround him with people who truly care for him and remind him that he is not walking this road alone.
Father, even in hard moments, let Scotty feel Your presence beside him. Give wisdom to the doctors, patience to the family, and courage for every new day ahead.
We pray for healing if it is Your will, but above all, we pray that Scotty feels loved, protected, and never forgotten.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
#TheMustangAdvantage 🐎
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Amen.
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Thank you Sean. I appresate it. I admit I am failing and even if most days I try to ignore it some days it scares me. I have so little energy to spend each day. The weird thing is I seem to get better for a day or two, have more energy. Then for the next day or two I am bed ridden and can’t think or do much but sleep. But I am trying to get better. I am not eating. Yesterday and today I only ate a couple of fiber cookies. I did drink soda because I am always thirsty. But just a few minutes ago after taking my evening pills I started throwing up, or trying to. I think I am just too tired. Thanks again for your thoughts and well wishes. Hugs
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Scotty, thank you for being honest about what you are going through. That takes strength, brother. Please do not think you are failing. Your body is clearly fighting something hard right now, and the fact you are still trying says a lot about your spirit.
But please listen to your body and take this seriously. Not eating, extreme thirst, throwing up, exhaustion, and being bedridden are signs you should not ignore. Make sure you keep your doctors updated about everything that is happening. Even small things can become serious when your body gets weak.
Try to stay hydrated as much as possible. Even small sips of water or electrolyte drinks may help more than soda right now. Your body needs fuel and rest.
Most importantly, do not lose hope. Healing is not always a straight line. Some days you feel stronger, other days your body crashes. That does not mean you quit fighting.
You are not alone in this, Scotty. People care about you more than you realize.
Sending prayers and strength your way. Hugs back, brother 🙏
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Hi Sean. Thank you for your words of support. But my medical history is longer than most people already know. The constant thirst is something I have had for decades. Part of it is my being a diabetic and the other is my other medical conditions. As for throwing up I struggle on and off with it due to what the doctors say is a very sensitive stomach to pressure. They found that out when I had an upper & lower GI series. When they tried to put air into my stomach I started convulsing. See often my stomach is slow to release food down to my intestines. A condition of being starved as a kid growing up. But that causes pressure to build up in my stomach as body fluids and gases build up or if I try to add something to it which causes me to vomit.
Other than that and my pain issues there are other things that are new. The fatigue I have had before with anemia but the difference this time is how long it is taking to resolve itself. It is taking more time than normal with little to no stress I have been under for me to get my energy back. As for being bed ridden that is new. This time the fatigue is deeper than just being tired. But right now the damage to my spine which is really bad is partly to blame. One of my vertebrae has decayed so badly that the last epidural I had was only partly successful. I had a new MRI that showed massive damage to the lower spine and lesser damage to the upper spine. That led to my pain doctors, one of whom is a surgeon to recomend I see a neuro surgeon for back surgery. See some of my vertebrae have grown spikes that snag nerves and pull them, some have grown dense pinching the nerves or the material between the vertebrae has decayed to the point that the nerves have fallen out of their channel. The last 6 months I have had the feeling in my right leg of being tased. Like I have stuck my leg into an electrical socket. The epidural that normally worked for about 4 months this last time only worked on the upper part of the leg and not the lower part. But in the last three weeks a few minutes after standing or walking I get such sharp pain from my right butt cheek down past my knee with each step. The pain is so bad that my mind shuts my leg down so I automatically jerk it back up causing me to fall if I’m not careful or supported by one of my canes or walker.
I can over come this with extra medications but that adds to my fatigue and my stomach being upset. Plus the US government under RFK Jr. is requiring all pain clinics to reduce pain medications to under a morphine equivalent of 100 with the goal of getting the patient to less than 50. This is on top of the Florida legislature already trying to look tough on illegal drug use by making pain clinics reduce pain medications. So over the last five years my doctors have had to reduce my pain medications making my pain higher than ever causing me to have to rely on more expensive epidurals and trigger point muscle injections with steroids. That makes it harder for me to control my diabetes. It also causes me to need testorne injections because steroids cause a man’s testes to shrink and stop working.
So other than the fatigue being worse also is the not eating. I have long not wanted to eat much for supper. But I ate a good breakfast and a good lunch, or if I missed lunch I would eat a good late lunch / early supper. Because in childhood I often went hungry I always worried I wouldn’t get enough to eat so I overshopped and made more food than we could eat in one meal. But now I go days with no hunger and don’t want to eat at all. But that is making the anemia worse.
The goal Sean is to get me eating more. I did not eat anything on monday or tuesday except two fiber crackers / cookies each day. On wednesday I had my first full meal, for supper Ron got me Chinese food that I really enjoy. But at 3 am Thursday morning I woke up knowing I was needing to vomit, hobbled to the bathroom and did vomit all my food into the toilet. I got up for a few hours and went back to bed during which I slept for about 3 to 4 hours. When I got up I was able to eat a small breakfast and then eat lunch that stayed down. But come supper I was not hungry and couldn’t eat. Today I had a fiber large soft fiber biscuit for breakfast and then for lunch I had a large bunch of left overs. But here it is suppertime, and I am not hungry at all.
I need to eat to build my blood cells back up so keeping me eating is the goal. As my blood cells get better with the white and red cells being the right shape and size plus I increase the red blood cells. So today I have had OK energy. I did get tired mid afternoon but I worked through it. I need to work on eating a small amount for supper but I am getting stronger. But as I told you before I have one good day and then two bad ones. We have to see if the weekend breaks that or if it happens that way. If it happens that I have two bad days then I will contact my doctor but if I have a good weekend that shows I am on the right path to getting better.
Again I thank you for having such concern for me, it really makes me feel wonderful that others care. I hope I have reassured you. Ron did not realize how much stress he had put on me and how I was destroying my health. Now he is doing the opposite not letting me do anything but rest which is frustrating but appreciated. He got an eye opener when he saw the blood labs and my need to go to bed and sleep so much. He got distressed. But it takes time to heal from this as it took time to get this run down. Hugs
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Scotty, thank you for sharing all of that with me. I honestly had no idea how much you have been carrying for so many years. Reading everything you explained gives a much clearer picture of what your body has been fighting through.
Food-wise, I would especially recommend you ask doctor about:
diabetic-friendly protein shakes
electrolyte drinks
iron-rich foods
vitamin supplements if needed
whether gastroparesis (slow stomach emptying) nutrition guidance assistance.
And honestly …
“Do not ignore rapid worsening symptoms just because you are used to suffering.”
A lot of people with chronic illness become so accustomed to pain and exhaustion that they minimize dangerous changes. The new deep fatigue and loss of appetite are things worth watching carefully.
Scottie you are dealing with far more than simple tiredness. The spine damage, diabetes, anemia, pain management, stomach issues, and everything connected together would wear down even the strongest person. The fact you are still fighting through it and trying to improve says a lot about your strength and mindset.
What really stood out to me was you recognizing the importance of eating again and slowly rebuilding your strength. Even those small victories matter. One meal staying down matters. One better day matters. Progress is still progress even when healing moves slowly.
I am also glad Ron is starting to understand how serious this has become and is helping you rest more. Sometimes people around us do not fully see how much pain or exhaustion we carry until the body finally says “enough.”
Please continue listening to your doctors and your body. Do not push yourself harder than you should just to prove something to anyone. Healing takes time, especially after years of your body carrying stress, pain, and medical complications.
And Scottie… you do not need to reassure me. I am just glad you are still here fighting and talking. That alone matters more than you know.
Sending continued prayers your way. One day at a time. Hugs 🙏
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Dear Scottie:
I agree with Ron: you need to see your primary care doctor. But I don’t think you should wait til next week. Does your PCP have the report of your blood work that you mentioned? If so, I can’t imagine you’ll have trouble getting an early appointment. Please do it asap. And make sure you’re drinking plenty of water. Can you tolerate one of the shakes that are meal substitutes and are low sugar?
Bummer about the car crash. Fortunately, Ron wasn’t hurt.
You may not want to hear this bc you feel so lousy, but your appearance is striking—like a seasoned woodsman or something.
Hugs,
Annie
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Hi Annie. Thank you, I accept the compliments whenever I can get them. I will add to my comments what I wrote to Sean above after I address your concerns. Accually the meal shakes are a great idea and I am surprised Ron and I did not think of them. Serval times when I was not eating or was very anemic the doctors told Ron to have me drink at least two a day. I will mention that to Ron. Thank you
Ron came home and I mentioned them to you and he replied that was a great idea. He was shocked that he had not thought of them himself. Yes my primary care physician has seen the reports. He knew I had trouble with anemia and had been hospitalized with it before so he was trying to get me to think on a colon cancer screening. He is aware of my 23 years of abuse and was mindful of how such an exam would upset me greatly. But he thinks I seriously should consider doing it. Also my PSA is elevated and he is going to test that again with all the rest of the blood tests in 2 more months.
Here is what I wrote to Sean about my eating right now.
“I admit I am failing and even if most days I try to ignore it some days it scares me. I have so little energy to spend each day. The weird thing is I seem to get better for a day or two, have more energy. Then for the next day or two I am bed ridden and can’t think or do much but sleep. But I am trying to get better. I am not eating. Yesterday and today I only ate a couple of fiber cookies. I did drink soda because I am always thirsty. But just a few minutes ago after taking my evening pills I started throwing up, or trying to. I think I am just too tired.”
Annie if you have other suggestions please send them. I am thinking of taking a few days off from the blog, but Ali reads all comments thankfully and she has my email address. Today I will send her my phone number if I have not already done that. Honestly I can’t remember, but I think she should have it as she really is the main force behind the blog. I am simply too tired to do much on it. Most of my blogging is either sending news links from my bed or the few times I get the energy to be up at the computer. Hugs
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I think it’s important that you have the colonoscopy. I understand the concern, but you will receive a relaxing injection that will put you to sleep and you won’t know what’s going on. Then you’ll wake up and have juice and cookies—or something.
I’m glad you’ll get those shakes. I think you wrote that you have diabetes. If that’s so, Ron should make sure he gets shakes with low or no sugar.
Best wishes, Scottie. I’m cheering for you!
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Hi Annie. Yes it is a great idea. Ron has it on our grocery list and said he will make a point of getting them tomorrow. He had no time to do so today. I had a good day today and I am just now at 7 pm I getting tired enough to want to go to bed. I did get tired and almost went to bed about 3 pm but I worked through it. This will be the first day I have gone without going back to bed to sleep or to rest my spine to lower my pain levels. Plus I am up much later than I have been without napping all afternoon so I think it is a good sign. Ron is not sure.
He let me help him for an hour doing small stuff but then he struggled to do everything himself the hard way rather than let me help and take the chance of wearing myself down. I called him out on it saying it wouldn’t hurt me if we did not need me for long just when two people would make it easier. He agreed then went to the house and did not call me. I understand his frustration but I also know he is 71 years old with leg and back pain and a starting heart blockage that we need to address when he is trying to use brute strength rather than let me help. 6 to one, 1/2 dozen to the other.
Annie I love you cheering for me. Wish I had had the support growing up that I get here now on this site as a 63 yr old. As for the colonoscopy I can do it if I have to, I did it before in 2012, and I did not disclose my abuse to the primary care ordering it. So I suffered the anxiety of it alone. Even then Ron did not know the full extent of my childhood only bits and pieces. The thought of my being helpless and something shoved inside me via my butt or mouth brings on nightmares of memories. It is hard for me to explain or get people to understand that for 20 years of my life I was used for the enjoyment of hateful people that felt they could do it and they were doing nothing wrong. Even as they shit talked gays and guys that fucked other guys. Even using those slurs on me. Talk about a mind screwing thing to process. It did not help that early on in my life I understood I was one of those bad gays they talked about.
So if it is needed I just have to do what I did those 20 years, accept I can’t change or stop it and let it happen, and suffer what feelings come later. I heard something people attribute to many sources but it is, “That which can not be changed must be endured”. I have used that a lot in my life, even as a child so I must have heard it then. But even as I dread having the colonoscopy I have to endure it if that might find the cause of my issues. Thanks again for the cheers. Today has been a good day, hopefull the rest of the weekend will be. Hugs
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I keep some nutritional shakes in my fridge. They’re a lot better, easier to drink, when cold. At a taste-testing a few years ago I tried the chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Yes, there was a taste testing of Ensure drinks.
I’ve also tried freezing them. They’re kind of like a low-quality ice cream that way. Nice on a hot day.
My favorite flavor so far i Butter Pecan. Hmm. I think I’ll go have one now.
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Hi MDavis. That is a grand suggestion. I have had to be on them before when a doctor told Ron I needed them. For some reason neither of us thought of them. I just showed your comment to Ron and he loves the idea. He had a question though. Do you pour the shake into a container first before freezing them? Otherwise how do you get them out of the can? Do you mind if I ask why you also need them? If that is something you don’t want to share it is ok just ignore I asked, I just wondered if you had issues like mine. Anyway thank you so much for your support and for your suggestions. Both mean a lot to me. I am really trying to get better and wrote a long reply to Sean and a shorter one to Annie. I keep telling everyone that the warranty on my body was up at the 3 year old mark and since then the body has been wearing out and having issues. Hugs
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Those shakes, I took the name literally and put one in the freezer with the idea of turning them into a shake you could drink with a straw.
It froze. I couldn’t fit a spoon through the neck. I was able to get some out with the handle of one spoon, but I’d recommend trying this in another container.
Freezing them for something similar to ice cream offers an opportunity for embellishment. How do you take your sundaes? Nuts and whipped cream? Maybe a banana and a cherry or two? It’s all more calories if any of it appeals to you.
I’m sending an email – look for subject “SHAKES”
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Beard’s lookin’ right and proper, bub
If Aye can go see my doctor, you can …
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Yeah, Scottie, get in there ASAP, no excuses. I can’t come down there or I would, and you don’t want that!
(image of a nurse in white with a HuGe syringe, saying, “Bend over, honey!” I can’t post it here in a comment, of course.)
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Will this show up? She has the right expression.
https://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-image-nurse-syringe-image1784876
Hugs to Scottie, hugs to Ron, if he wants.
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That’s even better, MDavis!
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I do hope the doctor situation is better there than here.
My primary care doctor is booked six months out, so getting and earlier appointment is a task I’m not sure I could manage.
There is urgent care, though. I tried to book an appointment there for two days out and got one for 10 am that was listed as 9 am in their appointments so that when I got there they turned me away. I suspect it was deliberate.
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Hi MDavis. I am sorry that happened to you. Seems sleazy to me. Here the doctor’s offices send text messages with the date and time so if that happened you can show them the text. My new primary care physician is very responsive to my needs and he really seems interested in my health which the last one did not. The last one from the same office was totally detached from me as a patient and only wanted to talk about blood test results. He couldn’t be bothered with anything else and I had to force him to deal with my health issues.
So after meeting the new guy I took a chance and before anything else I asked if me being gay with a husband was an issue for him and he said no he was very LGBTQ+ accepting. Then I explained my abuse and how touching me was a problem. He asked why it was not in the notes for me and I told him that his predecessor and I were not on good terms and he did not touch me. He told me that was not the case now and he was happy I felt I could share with him and he wanted to help me as best he could. If touching me upset me he wouldn’t do it.
Then the very first test happened he had me get on the exam table and told me very carefully what he needed to do. It all went well with the listening to the chest, heart, and lungs, but then he had me lay down and told me he needed to touch / press on my abdomen. As he started to touch me with me trying hard to focus on the ceiling I guess I gasped. He immediantly backed up to the back of the room and raised his hands. When I looked up he said softly “just tell me when or if I can continue it is entirely in your control”. I knew then that I could share more with him as he either knew abused people or had treated them. Since then I have told him stuff I have only shared with one other doctor who I have known for a long time but is important for my care. Recently while he was listening to my lungs from my back and he put his other hand on me. I tried not to react but something, maybe my heart rate clued him in that I was distressed as he stepped back and went and sat down. After a minute I calmed down and told him he could continue but he said no, he did not need to do that to me as he had what he needed to know.
All the above to say if I were to write to his nurse and explain my situation he would find a way to get me in to see him. He really seems to care that much. But I don’t think it will be needed and I worry he needs the blood tests that can only be done every 3 months. Ron tells me they can be done earlier if the doctor has cause but I am not sure. The last blood tests I went for that showed such bad results the lab said that three tests were denied due to wrong codes and as it would cost me nearly $500 to have them I declined. Those were the cancer screening tests that have me so worried. But we have to see if I need it. If I keep getting stronger like today then I won’t need it. I have managed to keep food down for two meals today. And I did not need a nap but it came close. So lately it has been one good day and two bad days. This weekend will tell whether I need an emergency appointment or not. Hugs
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That sounds like a great doctor. I’m very happy to hear this.
We did have an incident of wrong coding – after a dirty cut they treated the tetanus shot like an optional thing unrelated to the treatment of gluing the cut closed. I don’t even know why that would be a code, but we got it changed and they dropped those charges.
I don’t know if that applies with your blood tests. We aren’t even in the same state. I don’t even know if those codes are the same in different states.
Oh well. Glad you’re having better days, Scottie.
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Hi MDavis. Great nurse photo. I worked with a bunch like that. As I patient I had a few like that. Some day let me tell you about the female nurse who decided the little kid on the bed fighting for his life needed sexual stimulation to get better. By then I already knew I was gay but if I hadn’t she would have moved me that way. 🙄😣🤐😛😜😝 Ron and I thank you for the hugs, we both love them. He got plenty of hugs as a kid being in a loving family of 8 children with parents who were progressive and accepted LGBTQ+ children. Funny story the first time I met Ron’s extended family was at the first Thanksgiving we were together. We went to his mother’s place, where a bunch of people gathered and they were all loading up vehicles with food. The bed of my pickup was loaded with tubs of food, plates, serving stuff, and more. I was stunned. When we got to the town hall, yes they rented the town hall every Thanksgiving for the family meal. This time there were 57 people. Ron introduced me as his boyfriend and I waited for a disapproval that never came. Instead everyone hugged me, joked with me, and shared family stories with me. I was a bit clueless as to how to respond as this was so different from what I had experience with my own family. Over the years I learned how wonderful an accepting family could be, which was a shocking difference from my own. That first meal Ron got me a plate and sat me at a table when a large young boy resembling Puggsly Adams from the TV show sat down beside me. Flash backs from my childhood of having my food taken from me by hateful hell siblings and his constant glances at me were really freaking me out. However the boy turned out to be the opposite of the hellspawn I grew up with. He seemed oblivious of my apparent unease at his closeness and overt interest in me and what I thought was my plate and instead launched into a bunch of questions on my time in the military along with what it was like to be in West Berlin which at that time was still a walled city. He soaked up everything I told him about my military service in Germany like a sponge and asked for more information on everything I shared with him. Ron later told me his favorite class in school was history and he loved all the information he could get about WW2. That is why when he saw where I was sitting knowing I was a military person who had been in West Berlin he made sure to sit beside me. I learned an important lesson that I shouldn’t have had to learn about making assumptions about people. He was a grand kid who turned out to be a wonderful adult who loves his uncle and his uncle’s husband. Hugs
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Hi Ali. Thank you very much. I am so grateful that you care so much to use this amount of energy on me. I know you read all the comments and I am so delighted you do. I lack the energy to do so even though I love them and care so much about replying to each comment. I talked to Ron and I take the rest of the week and the weekend off from all duties in the house and reading news / dealing with the blog. That should give me fourdays to sleep / heal / rest / and heal. I will call the primary care doctor on monday and talk to his nurse about what to do next. The problem I see is the blood tests. The refused some of the cancer tests he requested due to improper codes and one was too soon to be done. The cost to me was almost $500, so I refused. Ron says I should have paid it even if it dipped into our savings. Below I will leave one of my replies that I left for the other commenters. Hugs and love. Oh and I will email you with my phone number if I have not already done so. Hugs.
“I admit I am failing and even if most days I try to ignore it some days it scares me. I have so little energy to spend each day. The weird thing is I seem to get better for a day or two, have more energy. Then for the next day or two I am bed ridden and can’t think or do much but sleep. But I am trying to get better. I am not eating. Yesterday and today I only ate a couple of fiber cookies. I did drink soda because I am always thirsty. But just a few minutes ago after taking my evening pills I started throwing up, or trying to. I think I am just too tired.”
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This doesn’t sound good, Scottie. I wish you’d be taken somewhere before Monday. It does indeed sound as if you’re failing, and I’m afraid of heart or other organ failure. Yes, that’s a worst case scenario; maybe you simply need rest and hydration-Non Carbonated Clear Fluid-but I think you need medical care. I know you don’t want to. But you really ought to. It’s been so long since you’ve eaten more than maybe a few hundred calories in a day. It’s been too long. But you and Ron will do what you two believe is the right thing, I have full faith.
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Oh and also Ali Ron got me my favorite Chinese meal from the local Chinese takeout restaurant. He also got something for himself and his sister. I love hot and sour soup, chicken lo mein noodles, and large mushroom chicken with vegetables. He is hoping it will get me to eat something and I admit it smells grand. Hugs
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Well, do all you can! Yum.
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Hi Ten Bears. Yes I think you are correct. I am going to take the rest of the week off and do nothing but rest. Ron is already doing the housework and today he folded all the laundry when he got home from switching his sister’s appliances from one of her homes here in our development to the other. A lot more to do but I tried to help this morning but lost all strength and couldn’t finish this afternoon. The problem with an early appointment is the blood tests can’t be redone that soon I don’t think. I will ask their office / his nurse Monday when I call in. Here is what I shared with Annie and Sean. Thanks for your thinking of me. I want to get better and see your blog again. Hugs
“I admit I am failing and even if most days I try to ignore it some days it scares me. I have so little energy to spend each day. The weird thing is I seem to get better for a day or two, have more energy. Then for the next day or two I am bed ridden and can’t think or do much but sleep. But I am trying to get better. I am not eating. Yesterday and today I only ate a couple of fiber cookies. I did drink soda because I am always thirsty. But just a few minutes ago after taking my evening pills I started throwing up, or trying to. I think I am just too tired.”
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