I have sorrowed in confusion and anger watching those who profess themselves to be Christian and speaking with those who say that they love God confidently support the very worst in humanity. I have impotently stood by as those who say they are Saved celebrated the wonton destruction of life, of home, of health, of community and future suffered by those whom the ravagers declare lacking. It has been a shattering of my Faith to see those tragedies encouraged, applauded and justified by the very same who share a pew and who stand behind a pulpit.
In the last decade and more, we have all found ourselves faced with the loud declarations of pastors and congregants who believe themselves wise attacking the struggling, the different, the ‘stranger’ and believing themselves righteous in their condemnation. It has been difficult for me to hold to love for those being so inhumane, especially for family and friends of whom we thought better.
I was taught better than to do that in my Church, in my Sunday School and in my Confirmation Classes. I was told that was just who were meant to be. I wanted to believe it. The Reality of my life hurt and I needed to believe that there was some-thing, some-where better. I needed to know that the failures in my life, the struggles in my heart and in my mind, were not my definition, my destruction. I was failing in Faith because of my own limitations and realities, but I held onto Hope. I held onto that Hope that Something Better would come.
Hope is a difficult word. Prisoners hold onto hope that Freedom will come. The Sick hold onto hope that a cure will be discovered. The Hungry hope in Finding their needs met. The Hurt and Abused hold onto hope that someone will come to save them. Hope holds out a hand, praying that someone will come to be with them and believe they are worthy of life, of love. Hope looks into the mirror and begs for a better existence, strives for a better life, makes better choices and dreams of better days.
In my adult years, I’ve heard the church talk not about Hope but about Faith. Faith is described as the assurance that all has been done, the Price has been paid, the Contract is signed and no more needs to be done. I’ve heard the church talk about being justified by Christ, that sins are washed clean, and yet at the same time I hear that same church talk about the filthy, the sinful, the unworthy. In short, they claim forgiveness due to their faith and judge others for their sin. Such “faith” has brought them arrogance, impudence and presumption that calling themselves “christian” and sitting in a pew on Sunday justifies ugliness and hate.
I believe. I want to believe. I want that “unbudging” Faith that allows me to stand before the mirror, maybe one day before God. But, part of that faith was imparted to me by the church, one that willingly stands in judgement for the destruction of those who don’t love the same, live the same, believe the same. It holds a congregation of those who would condemn, deny, celebrate the pain their greed engenders. And so, my Faith is broken. I hold onto Hope.
-randy
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