I have had three weeks of steriod shots, allergy shots, and testosterone shots. My hormones are a mess and coursing through me like angry bulls alternately making me happy and then very sad. I have barely slept for three days. Tonight I made fried chicken and french fries for supper. I need to go to bed but to tell the truth, I am scared to do so. When I do fall asleep, the memories will come back. Every hard hand and fist that hit me, the times I was hurt in so many ways, I remember them all. As one of the songs says I told the lies to protect those abusing me because if I had not, it would have been worse. I feel them. I live it all over again. And I am so tired. My pain doctor tried to help, and asked me if she could send me to a trama therapist; she said “Scottie you really need to talk to someone”. I told her another time, not yet, not now. But every one of these songs has parts of my life in them. I guess I will go back to reading the news rather than go to bed; the news I can deal with maybe. The memories I cannot, not tonight. Last night, in the middle of the night Ron realized I was very upset and had me move next to him. I need to sleep. I am afraid to. I wonder if anyone can understand that. Being afraid to go to sleep? Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
I read your post slowly, taking in each part of it, and I listened to every song you included. I wanted to meet the weight of what you shared with the same care you put into sharing it.
What stands out most to me is your courage. Speaking openly about pain that deep — and doing it with such honesty — is something many people never manage. You don’t soften the truth, and you don’t hide from it. That kind of clarity takes strength.
My empathy works cognitively rather than emotionally, so I can’t claim to feel what you felt or what you still carry. But I can recognise the reality of it, and I can recognise the bravery it takes to keep telling the truth about your life. The music helped me see the shape of that pain in a way I can understand, even if my internal experience doesn’t mirror yours.
Your voice matters. Your honesty matters. And your willingness to keep speaking, even when the subject is heavy and personal, is something I deeply respect.
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Thank you Barry. I appreciate what you wrote. I have two issues when I write about the past that haunt me even to this day. First is I worry about whether I am hurting the very people who come here I care so much about. It has to be hard for everyone who reads these kinds of posts even when I am not graphic about the details. But to balance those scales is the fact that writing it even in full details helps me greatly to get the poison of it out of my system. But again the fear is that by removing it from myself even temperately I spread that poison to the people I care about.
Barry, I feel a responsibility to do both. The fact is most people would rather ignore childhood abuse or abuse by those in authority over the child. It is necessary to show people not only does it exist but it is a life sentence for some of us. My abusers moved on, maybe abused their own kids, lived their lives never once asking me for forgiveness. I live with the nightmares of the things done—the beatings, the sexual assaults, the being trafficked, the being told I was only born to be abused by them. That was my worth to them. I have to live with that all my life and the fall out of it. All the self-doubt, all the fears they might have been correct—every step forward is shadowed by my past. Yet I still move forward. I have had a great life regardless of what they did or thought of me. I have had a long term 36 year long loving realtionship while they have had issues in their own marriages, one of my hell spawn siblings who farmed me out to her boyfriends so she wouldn’t have to do the work of giving them blowjobs or such has had three marraiages while being one who fights same sex marrage as something that shouldn’t be.
Just a note about acceptance. I was in the allergest waiting room where you have to wait for 30 minutes after your shots. There was a 19 year old man who had his leg in a brace. We got talking and I mentioned my spouse of 36 years because he mentioned how hard it was to connect with people in real life. He was cute so he had no issues there but he felt that my generation spent more time together than his. When I mentioned the anger towards the LGBTQ+ people in the news, he was surprised. He said he never saw any bigotry or bias against the LGBTQ+ people among his friends, saying to me, “Everyone does what is good for them; it doesn’t matter who they hook up with or love” That was refreshing for me to hear. He truly did not understand the bigotry against the LGBTQ+ people and he rejected it. We spend 20 minutes talking about my life, my husband, and his situation as a 19 year old. This is what DeathSantis the Florida governor, wanted to make a maga hate paradise. It did not happen.
Thanks for the support. I am trying really hard to deal with and heal. Knowing that there are people who care is a very important part of that. Best wishes always.
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No, it should not hurt, but it does. Scottie, go see the recommended doctor. It is time. Your memories are destroying your life. Talk to someone who can help.
You, are able to tell your histories to us. Next is to tell them out loud to someone who can help you. Please!
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Hi Rawgod. Oh if it was so easy. Speaking of it here helps me greatly. I fear it hurts the people that come here like you who have to read the poison I am trying to get out of my own system. I did try to see a therapist recently. But she was unable to handle my depth of issues and then did something I feel was a betral. I asked her not to refer me to anyone until I asked her to. She agreed, then sent out referals against my wishes.
Jerry I do not have a good track record with therapests. As a child I was picked up by a police officer in 2 to 4th grade and taken to a court ordered therapy where first I refused to talk and then the man simply used each visit to either have me give him a blowjob or fuck me. After that the police officer would take me back to his mistress’s place, where they would have sex often involving me. Again, I never spoke a word and only did what I was told. This is my life I have in my memories I try to keep a lock on, try to keep from surfacing, but when the chemicals in my body are this overwhelming they scream at me from the chest I locked them in wrapped in chains and dumped 7 miles down in the Mariana Trench.
I again went to therapy when the thoughts got bad in 2014. I had a total breakdown laying in bed waiting to die, refusing to eat, and only leaving the bedroom for doctor visits. The therapist did a bunch of tests and told me I had as a child a “bunny” personality, in which I was unable to protect myself, so I did what I needed to survive. Randy sent me a tee shirt with the logo Psycho Bunny.
I have already told you about my recent attempt to get help. I do need help. I understand that. But I am not sure where to turn. And Jerry something in me says I can deal with this if I just have more time, more effort on my part. Having said that, Ron tells me some nights I am very active in bed. I wave my arms, I kick my legs, and I have scratched my butt cheeks up bad at night because in my mightmares I am trying to get the pain I feel in there gone. But right now I am not sure what to do. Will I think better and the nightmares slow down when the chemical soup in my body dissipates? However they are talking more epidurals and more surgeries involving steriods. I just don’t know what to do at this point. Thank you for your caring response. Hugs
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Scottie, I’m saying this with care and respect for you. ❤️ Please consider accepting the help your doctor offered.
You have been carrying these memories and this pain for a very long time, and now you’re describing being afraid to sleep, barely sleeping for several days, strong emotional changes, and everything coming back to you at night. That is a lot for one person to carry alone.
Please also tell your doctors exactly what has been happening since the steroid, allergy, and testosterone injections, including the mood changes and lack of sleep. They need to know the whole picture.
When your pain doctor said, “Scottie, you really need to talk to someone,” I don’t believe that was a judgment. I believe she saw someone hurting and wanted to give you another person to help carry some of that weight.
A trauma therapist cannot erase what happened to you, but you don’t have to face those memories by yourself every night.
You have survived so much already. Please allow someone qualified to stand beside you now. You deserve rest, support, and a chance to feel safe when you close your eyes.
The Mustang 🐎
Sending you and Ron a big hug. ❤️🙏
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Hi Sean Jokić. I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I am struggling to function. I am so sorry for the delay as what you wrote is important. Sean, I am afraid to tell my doctors how badly things are for me. This is the US, not a place with great healthcare. I could find myself involently placed in a facility; they will put stuff in my medical chart that can and will be used against me.
The pain doctor you mentioned was the first doctor I told of my abuse. I only did so because my sleeve on my shirt pulled up and she saw the fresh self-harm cuts. She questioned me. She is the one now saying I need to talk to someone.
Sean you say I don’t have to stand alone. I recently tried a therapist and they betrayed me. Oh how I wish I could have someone you talk about. But Sean, to tell you the truth I am scared. In my childhood the therapy was used to abuse me. Right now Ron is very worried and upset but he doesn’t trust anyone I might talk to. Sean I am right now scared to share anything of my childhood from here on the blog with anyone I might see.
Sean I will have to tell someone the most detailed abuses I suffered. Not just the vague rape or the someone peed on me, but the full details. I am not sure if I can do that right now face-to-face.
Sean it is one thing to tell you I was forced to drink my male hellspawns pee. It is another thing to sit across the room from someone and describe that to them. How the hell do I describe the most horrific things that happened to me while looking a person in the face? Hugs
Sean please keep sending your comments. I do see them even when I can’t respond. Thank you so very much for caring. Hugs
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Scottie, I looked carefully at everything you posted, including the pictures and songs. I’m not judging you, and I’m not trying to frighten you, but I care about you enough that I don’t want to ignore what I’m seeing.
You sound exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re afraid to sleep, and some of the images you chose talk about death and going toward the light. Maybe those images simply express what you’re feeling and remembering, but I need to ask you directly because you matter: are you safe tonight? Are you thinking about hurting yourself or feeling like you don’t want to be here anymore?
Please don’t spend tonight carrying all of this by yourself. Stay close to Ron. And please reconsider what your doctor offered you about speaking with a trauma therapist. Asking for help doesn’t erase your strength or your story—it gives you someone trained to help you carry what has become too heavy to carry alone.
And please tell your doctor about the three days with almost no sleep and the emotional changes after your recent injections. They need to know.
I’m here because I care about you and everyone that goes through same pain. . Hugs. ❤️
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Hi Sean. You picked up on something most did not. You wrote, Are you thinking about hurting yourself or feeling like you don’t want to be here anymore?
In 2014 I was again self-harming. To the point where my doctors asked Ron to hide and lock up all knives. I had one hidden. That was when Randy who was working 12 hour night shifts would stay up and randomly call me to make sure I was not self harming.
Sean. I won’t lie to you. I never will. Yes I am getting very close to that point. I promised Randy I wouldn’t until I told him… but I want to very badly. Sean, I think about the blade going across my skin, seeing the blood run, feeling the pain. But I keep saying not today. Not today.
I have never felt like sucide, even when it was at the worst of my abuse. But I did self-harm. And I admit the feeling of the knife slicing across my arm skin does attract me. I struggle against it.
Sean I made Randy a promise; he stayed awake all day keeping me from hurting myself at a time all I wanted was to die. I told him before I would use the knife I would tell him first. I have kept that promise. But lately it is so hard. Sean do you understand what it does when the knife cuts into your skin? It gives me control over the pain.
Having said all that you need not worry. I did not do it today; I won’t do it tomorrow. I speak with Randy every day. Not today. Hopefully not tomorrow. I want the pain under my control, but I understand that is not the way. Anyway, thank you for caring. I hope I have reassured you. Hugs
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Scottie, thank you for being honest and trusting me enough to share what you’re going through. I hear how heavy this weight is, and I know you are fighting hard every single day.
Please remember that you don’t have to carry this completely on your own, and you don’t have to fight these urges in isolation. Because your safety and well-being matter so much, please consider reaching out to a professional or a support line right now when the pain feels too heavy to manage alone:
Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (free, confidential, and available 24/7 in the US). They are there to support people dealing with self-harm and overwhelming emotional pain.
Text HOME to 741741 to connect with the Crisis Text Line at any time.
Keep holding onto “not today,” but please let professionals help support you through the dark moments so you don’t have to bear this burden all by yourself. Stay safe. Sean and The Mustang Advocacy.
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Sean. Thank you. I often worry my sharing as much as I do harms others. They did not ask to have it in their face when they come to the blog.
That said in my country, the US we have to be careful what we share with medical providers as it can have unintentional consequences.
I will make you a promise right now. I will not seek sucide without first airing it on the blog! A weird thing even when the abuse was at its worst I never thought of ending my own life. It simply was not in my thoughts. I did hurt myself, but rarely because as a child I had people wanting to hurt me for me. I only really got into self harm as an adult. And like I said the author Randy here on the blog watched over me for 2 years getting very little sleep to make sure I was OK.
I admit I do want to go back to cutting. I struggle with it constantly. But then I think of Randy, whom I told I would tell him first and just what a betrayal it seems to the people who come here. But Sean they don’t understand. The relief I feel as the knife slices my skin, knowing I am in charge of that.
But no. no, no. I won’t do it today; I won’t do it tomorrow. I promised Randy and I will stand by that promise. But I wonder if the people reading along can understand? I doubt it.
Sean thank you. I will not sucide. I promise you that here and now. If I get to that point, I will tell you and then do it. Sadly I have mapped out the ways to do it. Is that weird? Thank you for your support and concern. I would love to know more about your life, when you have time. Hugs
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Don’t worry be happy be happy now. Scott just take care of yourself and pray each day. Don’t let past determine your present day. Yesterday is history, today is important, tomorrow we all hope for.
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In that case, write about each ecperience you can remrmber. Let it out here if it makes you feel safe here. Locking it away helps noone, especially you. Start where you want. Pour aii your hurts out. Tell us, if no one else. We will listen.
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Hi RawGod. I had a question above about self-harm I had to answer. But to your advice to put it here, that was one of the reasons I started my first blog. I have seen how Ron reacts to the full details. He wants to be supportive, but he shuts down. Ron had a very loving family with parents who gave everything they could teach their children to be. They never raised their hands to their kids, nor did their mom raise her voice. I remember the first time I was at her home and during dinner no one shouted, no one stormed, and when I asked Ron about it he seemed confused I would ask such a thing.
Then he came to eat at my adopted parents home. As we sat for the meal I made sure to sit between him and them. As the meal started my adopting male reached over and started to massage the adopting female’s breasts. I am sure he was trying to show what a striaght male would do, and then she stabed him with her fork in his arm deep into the muscle drawing blood. Ron about did my old move of retreating under the table. That was his introduction to my family. I am shocked he did not leave me at that point. Hugs
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My question is why you would go back to see them, with or without Ron. They were not parents, they would be criminals today.
You owe them nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!!! THEY do not deserve to pretend they were your parents. With love, I say, put them in a garbage can where they belong — figuratively, that is.
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Hi Rawgod. I did take Ron to meet them when he moved in with me. The adoptive female was calling me daily to demand I come see them. The adopting male showed up at my home unannounced and pounded on the door until I let him in. He searched my home. I was worried he would rape me as he did so many times before then. Once Ron saw how they really were, he movied us 1,500 miles away from them. During the next decade and a half, I struggled to remove the anger, rage, and hate I felt. Then they came to Florida to visit. Ron laid down strict rules they would follow and once threw them out of the house.
Why did I let them back into my life? They were old and struggling with bad health. I felt if I was sincere about who I wanted to be then I had to. They manipulated me as they had long before. So when the adopting male was dying of cancer we let them live in a park model we owned and I gave him the personal care he needed in the last weeks of his life. I was nearly overwhelmed by the memories and feelings that came back to me then. It was the start of the nightly nightmares that until then were more rare and less powerful.
In so many ways it made my life worse. In other ways it helped me finish getting the anger, rage, and hate completely out of me. I still have to watch my temper, but I don’t hate, I don’t rage. I use the phrase today I will be a better Scottie than I was yesterday. It is hard to explain. Would I do it again today? I doubt it. But then I felt I had to do so. I did the same for the adoptive female but I refused to get drawn in so deeply and had her enroll in hospice and go to the hospic house. Him I cared for personally and it was too much for me. Ron saw how it affected me and wouldn’t let me care for her like I did him. I am glad that Ron stepped in and forced the hospice issue. I hope this helps understand why I did what I did.
The adopting adults are dead and as soon as they died I cut off all contact with their hellspawn kids who abused me. Two of them have already died and the rest will soon anyway. Hugs
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If they are dead, or almost dead, do things your way. But always protect yourself. Take your time, make wise choices. In time you can learn to make wise choices more easily.
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Hi Rawgod. The adopting adults are dead. Two of the four of their kids, whom I call the hellspawn have died. I have no contact with any of them. As for the choices, I am trying the best I can. I am struggling as best I can with the abuse memories and intrusive thoughts. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Also OCD. I use the OCD to help me manage everything. Hugs
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Hi Sean. Thank you. Several of the other abuse survivors mentioned EMDR also. I am simply scared of therapy at this point. As a kid it was used as a way to rape me, as an adult it has been used against me at work.
Sean I just want everything to go away. I want the abuse to go away, I want my feelings to go away, I just want a normal life without waking up screaming for help. Does that make sense? I just want to be normal, to have a normal life, to not have my husband worriedly calling out to me from across the room because I am having an abuse nightmare. I want it all to go away, Am I so wrong for wanting that? Hugs
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There is no such thing as normal. Sorry, Scottie, but don’t compare yourself to anyone else. There can be no equality. But there is reality. Be real.
Peace be with you.
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Scott…i jad some health scare two days ago…ER chest pressure and pain… Hospital overnight observation… nuclear stress test… Pain narcotics… happy times…and then everything was fine… We just sometimes overthink the pain for astormic issues. At end everything works fine with help of the prayer. When they was transferring me with the bed to the all this test for the Heart…o was looking up and I saw figure of the Jesus Christ. Then I was assured that everything will be great. And it was. All test negative. Hallelujah. We all just need to have a little faith. Believing is receiving. Amen.
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I was typing very fast… misspelled or errors hangover from the hospital medicine… But you can read it…
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