I have had three weeks of steriod shots, allergy shots, and testosterone shots. My hormones are a mess and coursing through me like angry bulls alternately making me happy and then very sad. I have barely slept for three days. Tonight I made fried chicken and french fries for supper. I need to go to bed but to tell the truth, I am scared to do so. When I do fall asleep, the memories will come back. Every hard hand and fist that hit me, the times I was hurt in so many ways, I remember them all. As one of the songs says I told the lies to protect those abusing me because if I had not, it would have been worse. I feel them. I live it all over again. And I am so tired. My pain doctor tried to help, and asked me if she could send me to a trama therapist; she said “Scottie you really need to talk to someone”. I told her another time, not yet, not now. But every one of these songs has parts of my life in them. I guess I will go back to reading the news rather than go to bed; the news I can deal with maybe. The memories I cannot, not tonight. Last night, in the middle of the night Ron realized I was very upset and had me move next to him. I need to sleep. I am afraid to. I wonder if anyone can understand that. Being afraid to go to sleep? Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
I read your post slowly, taking in each part of it, and I listened to every song you included. I wanted to meet the weight of what you shared with the same care you put into sharing it.
What stands out most to me is your courage. Speaking openly about pain that deep — and doing it with such honesty — is something many people never manage. You don’t soften the truth, and you don’t hide from it. That kind of clarity takes strength.
My empathy works cognitively rather than emotionally, so I can’t claim to feel what you felt or what you still carry. But I can recognise the reality of it, and I can recognise the bravery it takes to keep telling the truth about your life. The music helped me see the shape of that pain in a way I can understand, even if my internal experience doesn’t mirror yours.
Your voice matters. Your honesty matters. And your willingness to keep speaking, even when the subject is heavy and personal, is something I deeply respect.
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Thank you Barry. I appreciate what you wrote. I have two issues when I write about the past that haunt me even to this day. First is I worry about whether I am hurting the very people who come here I care so much about. It has to be hard for everyone who reads these kinds of posts even when I am not graphic about the details. But to balance those scales is the fact that writing it even in full details helps me greatly to get the poison of it out of my system. But again the fear is that by removing it from myself even temperately I spread that poison to the people I care about.
Barry, I feel a responsibility to do both. The fact is most people would rather ignore childhood abuse or abuse by those in authority over the child. It is necessary to show people not only does it exist but it is a life sentence for some of us. My abusers moved on, maybe abused their own kids, lived their lives never once asking me for forgiveness. I live with the nightmares of the things done—the beatings, the sexual assaults, the being trafficked, the being told I was only born to be abused by them. That was my worth to them. I have to live with that all my life and the fall out of it. All the self-doubt, all the fears they might have been correct—every step forward is shadowed by my past. Yet I still move forward. I have had a great life regardless of what they did or thought of me. I have had a long term 36 year long loving realtionship while they have had issues in their own marriages, one of my hell spawn siblings who farmed me out to her boyfriends so she wouldn’t have to do the work of giving them blowjobs or such has had three marraiages while being one who fights same sex marrage as something that shouldn’t be.
Just a note about acceptance. I was in the allergest waiting room where you have to wait for 30 minutes after your shots. There was a 19 year old man who had his leg in a brace. We got talking and I mentioned my spouse of 36 years because he mentioned how hard it was to connect with people in real life. He was cute so he had no issues there but he felt that my generation spent more time together than his. When I mentioned the anger towards the LGBTQ+ people in the news, he was surprised. He said he never saw any bigotry or bias against the LGBTQ+ people among his friends, saying to me, “Everyone does what is good for them; it doesn’t matter who they hook up with or love” That was refreshing for me to hear. He truly did not understand the bigotry against the LGBTQ+ people and he rejected it. We spend 20 minutes talking about my life, my husband, and his situation as a 19 year old. This is what DeathSantis the Florida governor, wanted to make a maga hate paradise. It did not happen.
Thanks for the support. I am trying really hard to deal with and heal. Knowing that there are people who care is a very important part of that. Best wishes always.
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No, it should not hurt, but it does. Scottie, go see the recommended doctor. It is time. Your memories are destroying your life. Talk to someone who can help.
You, are able to tell your histories to us. Next is to tell them out loud to someone who can help you. Please!
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Hi Rawgod. Oh if it was so easy. Speaking of it here helps me greatly. I fear it hurts the people that come here like you who have to read the poison I am trying to get out of my own system. I did try to see a therapist recently. But she was unable to handle my depth of issues and then did something I feel was a betral. I asked her not to refer me to anyone until I asked her to. She agreed, then sent out referals against my wishes.
Jerry I do not have a good track record with therapests. As a child I was picked up by a police officer in 2 to 4th grade and taken to a court ordered therapy where first I refused to talk and then the man simply used each visit to either have me give him a blowjob or fuck me. After that the police officer would take me back to his mistress’s place, where they would have sex often involving me. Again, I never spoke a word and only did what I was told. This is my life I have in my memories I try to keep a lock on, try to keep from surfacing, but when the chemicals in my body are this overwhelming they scream at me from the chest I locked them in wrapped in chains and dumped 7 miles down in the Mariana Trench.
I again went to therapy when the thoughts got bad in 2014. I had a total breakdown laying in bed waiting to die, refusing to eat, and only leaving the bedroom for doctor visits. The therapist did a bunch of tests and told me I had as a child a “bunny” personality, in which I was unable to protect myself, so I did what I needed to survive. Randy sent me a tee shirt with the logo Psycho Bunny.
I have already told you about my recent attempt to get help. I do need help. I understand that. But I am not sure where to turn. And Jerry something in me says I can deal with this if I just have more time, more effort on my part. Having said that, Ron tells me some nights I am very active in bed. I wave my arms, I kick my legs, and I have scratched my butt cheeks up bad at night because in my mightmares I am trying to get the pain I feel in there gone. But right now I am not sure what to do. Will I think better and the nightmares slow down when the chemical soup in my body dissipates? However they are talking more epidurals and more surgeries involving steriods. I just don’t know what to do at this point. Thank you for your caring response. Hugs
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Scottie, I’m saying this with care and respect for you. ❤️ Please consider accepting the help your doctor offered.
You have been carrying these memories and this pain for a very long time, and now you’re describing being afraid to sleep, barely sleeping for several days, strong emotional changes, and everything coming back to you at night. That is a lot for one person to carry alone.
Please also tell your doctors exactly what has been happening since the steroid, allergy, and testosterone injections, including the mood changes and lack of sleep. They need to know the whole picture.
When your pain doctor said, “Scottie, you really need to talk to someone,” I don’t believe that was a judgment. I believe she saw someone hurting and wanted to give you another person to help carry some of that weight.
A trauma therapist cannot erase what happened to you, but you don’t have to face those memories by yourself every night.
You have survived so much already. Please allow someone qualified to stand beside you now. You deserve rest, support, and a chance to feel safe when you close your eyes.
The Mustang 🐎
Sending you and Ron a big hug. ❤️🙏
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Scottie, I looked carefully at everything you posted, including the pictures and songs. I’m not judging you, and I’m not trying to frighten you, but I care about you enough that I don’t want to ignore what I’m seeing.
You sound exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re afraid to sleep, and some of the images you chose talk about death and going toward the light. Maybe those images simply express what you’re feeling and remembering, but I need to ask you directly because you matter: are you safe tonight? Are you thinking about hurting yourself or feeling like you don’t want to be here anymore?
Please don’t spend tonight carrying all of this by yourself. Stay close to Ron. And please reconsider what your doctor offered you about speaking with a trauma therapist. Asking for help doesn’t erase your strength or your story—it gives you someone trained to help you carry what has become too heavy to carry alone.
And please tell your doctor about the three days with almost no sleep and the emotional changes after your recent injections. They need to know.
I’m here because I care about you and everyone that goes through same pain. . Hugs. ❤️
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In that case, write about each ecperience you can remrmber. Let it out here if it makes you feel safe here. Locking it away helps noone, especially you. Start where you want. Pour aii your hurts out. Tell us, if no one else. We will listen.
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