Well It happened again.

Hi all. For two days I have worked on a couple posts. Never seeming able to get to the end of them. I get up at 2 or early and work on the Male Survivor site, then I have an hour or more long audio call with a fellow survivor, then I go to Joe My God to collect memes and see if there are stories I should post. In between there is the morning walk with Ron, feeding and cleaning up after cats, and doing home stuff. After showering I notice most of the morning is gone. During The Majority Report which comes on at noon and runs for 2 or 3 hours, I turn the monitor around and put on headphones and do the dishes, a job that takes me about two hours. Then another check in with the person I had the audio call with. Then supper. I realize the day went by without me being able to check my blog, without reading what Ali and Randy posted, not even time to reply to comments before I am struggling to stay awake and end up going to bed. That doesn’t include the days my pain or exhaustion doesn’t require me to go lay down. Get up far too early only to do it all again.

So last night before going to bed I put all the comments I could find in open tabs. I am going to work on them now. But I know some passed the last few days I did not see. If you had something you wanted to say to me and I did not reply, please send it again even on a different thing I post. Remember I do not see comments on Ali’s or Randy’s posts unless I go to the post page. I do care about the blog, I do love the comments. I am simply severely trying to do too much and deal with personal issues also. I have to cut something and concentrate on what is important, which is Ron, the blog, and you all. As I have taken to saying lately, far more than I ever thought I would, I care about you, I care for you. Ron wants me to watch more movies and TV shows like Piccard, wants us to go out to eat, wants us to spend more time together. All of these will eat into my online time. I have some thinking to do, and right now thinking is sometimes hard for me. Best wishes. Hugs. Scottie

Ron liked it, gave me a hug

I have been barely functioning all day. I feel right now the best I have since I got up at 1 am. I keep going back to bed, can’t sleep like I can not sleep at night, so I get up. I am so tired, I just don’t want to be. I want to sleep. I went to Ron a few minutes ago, told him I had answered all the comments I had, replied to everything, but I had not been to anyone else’s blogs in a few days. Then I told him I just don’t want to do it. I am tired. I want to shut the blogging computer down and finish my Spiderman movie I started watching, maybe watch some Star Trek Piccard.

Ron came over and hugged me, and said he thought that was a great idea. He wanted me to do that. I tried again to justify it with I was so tired. He told me, Scottie you have not been sleeping, ten minutes here, 20 minutes there. The longest I have seen you sleep in days has been 45 minutes. You’re exhausted and you’re hurting yourself. The medications you take should put you to sleep but they are not. When you do sleep you moan, cry out, move defensively. You’re not resting. You need to lose yourself in a move and go to sleep.

I have my heart doctor appointment in the morning. I had to cancel an appointment for Wednesday as I was feeling far too sick to do to it. I need to make this one tomorrow. So I am sorry to all the grand blog creators, all the meme wanters but I can not do it, I am done blogging today. I may just now go to bed. Or watch a movie. I think bed. Loves. Hugs. Scottie

Last night my wonderful husband said it was time

As many here may know by now, I have PTSD and Intrusive Thoughts. An intrusive thought is an unwelcome, involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate. Everyone here has been very supportive as I have been having a surge in memories and issues with it. Memories of humiliations, rapes, forced oral sex, and horrific punishments for a kid of 3 to nearly 8 years old. Things like rubbing alcohol poured into my stretched wide butt cheeks as I was held down nude, to let it flow over my anus to my tiny balls and dick. Things like being tied to the stair banister with something that kept him head yanked up, blindfolded, hands either tied to the railings or through them so I couldn’t use them to help myself. In that position the hell spawn would leave me to randomly come by to hit me, stick something in my butt, pinch me, put painfully cold objects or painfully hot ones on my sensitive areas including submerging my tiny genitals in them. Anything to torture me and see me cry for hours. The memories cause the bombardment of thoughts. Suze here recommended a cortisol level check as that will make it harder to stop the thoughts. She said there is medication to lower the level.

I told Ron about her recommendation and Ron also agreed. But unknown to me Ron was looking up a medication he takes, Sertraline. Sertraline, sold under the brand name Zoloft among others, is an antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor class. The effectiveness of sertraline for depression is similar to that of other antidepressants, and the differences are mostly confined to side effects.

I went to bed about 7 pm. I couldn’t sleep. When he came to bed at 9:30 pm, I told him I couldn’t sleep, that my mind wouldn’t slow down, the thoughts were feeling like constant bombs going off in my head. As we lay there he was reading his tablet and I was trying hard to sleep. I was occasionally spitting out a word here or there that I couldn’t stop and did not realize I did it until after it came out, I was involuntarily waving my hands like I was trying to push something away from me. Again not knowing I was doing it until I did it. That is when he said he had looked it up and it was also used to treat PTSD and intrusive thoughts. He takes a very small dose of 50 mg he said. I reminded him what happened when they tried to put me on those mood stabilizing / mind numbing drugs. He said that he thought it was time for me to see someone again and start treatment before it get worse. He had hoped it would pass and wain like it normally does, ramp up, spike, then drop down to manageable. Now he was worried. I told him I did not want the costs of a therapist right now, and I did not want to see one. He wanted me to call or message my primary care with the issue and see if they could handle the issue as his handles his anxieties.

That is a big step. Ron has not pushed me to see a therapist in a very long time. Over a decade or so. But I have this last year been telling him in detail the different things I remember and the abuse I suffered and from whom. Before it was always the generalized, not specifics. He doesn’t want me to return to a state where I am hyper vigilant, started in to flight or fight at every sound. Unable to sleep and when I do, then screaming out in my sleep or begging not to be hurt. He is worried I will get back to the point that if I am sleeping and he walks into the room I wake in fear ready to fight to defend myself, not yet aware of where I am. So in the next few days I will do as he asks, and check in with primary care. Hugs. Scottie

Ron asked me to step back and take me time.

Hi everyone. As many of you mentioned and one of my doctors said I have PTSD. and it has really been pushing me hard lately. He came to me about 2 hours ago and asked me to stop blogging and watch a move or play Halo. He was getting very worried about me. I told him OK, but first I wanted to answer some comments. He came in a half hour later and seen I was still blogging. He again asked me to stop and watch a movie. I told him only a few more, I don’t want to lose them. He came in a few minutes ago after an hour and half, and said enough. He asked me what newish movie I would like to see. I told him I have never seen Spiderman No way home. He asked me to find it. I did on Prime, but it was $8. and I balked at paying that. Ron told me to buy it, and then as I ate supper watch it. Anything. Just stay off the blog, no news, and no MS site stuff. So dear viewers, I give in to my husband I bout it, and will now watch it. Hugs. Scottie

I am struggling

Hi. I am torn up right now with memories. I am not sure what to do. I wrote one of them to Jill telling her some of my abuse because she has told me it is ok to do that. Still it bothered me. My mind won’t release. I am having one of those times that the vortex of dark despair is hovering me right outside me. I am trying to distract my self. Damn it! I am 61 now, my last rapes happened in my early 20s. I am safe. I am happy. I have a wonderful husband who is even now making ravioli baked in the red sauce I made. Yet the memories come over me in waves. I want to forget, I want to not feel it like I did when it happened. But … but … Oh hell, I am going to do comments to help my mind settle. But today my emotions are raw and I have memories that hurt. At what point in my life do they go away? Really I am 61. I am safe, it is water under the bridge. Yet …. OK hug. Scottie

I am torn

I stayed up late for me last night, then Tupac’s tummy feed me alarm went off at 3:21. So as Ron was already awake he got up to feed him which normally I do. But I couldn’t fall back asleep. So I got up an hour later. Then I answered a few emails. Then I opened the Male Survivor site that I have become very involved in. But before I could address the new posts there, I had an incoming voice over internet call. I spent an hour on that, talking with someone who needed me, someone I like and have a lot in common with. Then Ron got up late as he did not sleep well and it is dark and gloomy here with the storm.

Then I went back to my blog and started reading posts before I lost more of them. Halfway through I switched to comments and replied to them up to date so I wouldn’t lose them as I love comments. I learn a lot from the comments.

But as the day wore on I realized that I still had not read or dealt with the MS site posts I had open in another tab, so I switched to it. I spent 2 hours there reading others posts and adding my two cents worth, sometimes including my own abuse. I can do that freely there knowing no one will judge me or be shocked. To then return to my blog and start reading blogs of others …

To have an abuse survivor contact me via secured Session. He had some things to talk to me about so I went on voice chat. His concerns were legitimate and we talked for a long time until I really had to pee, so we ended the call. I like talking to him on this format, I just wish I had more time. But I am so tired right now. I have so many things I wanted to do today I did not get to. I had wanted to watch another episode of Picard, we bought them but I never have time to watch them. It seems I am running from one thing to the next.

Last night Ron woke me apologetically saying I was making sounds in my sleep and he was worried I was moving into a bad dream. I was, but I only thanked him without telling him what I was dreaming of. OK, I really need to go to bed. If I have missed getting to a post you have made or by my dogs that love gravy missed a comment you made, I apologize. I am just stretched really thin right now. I have bitten off more than I can chew as they say. Hugs. Scottie

Ron has an infected tooth

I spent the last two hours in bed hugging, rubbing, cuddling, pressed tight to, and comforting Ron as he slept. He recently had two infected upper teeth, one was a wisdom tooth that was in sideways. Now he has a lower wisdom tooth that is infected. It has been really painful for him and he has not been sleeping at night. He has an appointment at 8 am to have it pulled. When he told me he needed to go to bed and how tired he was, then asked me to come down and hold him, how could I refuse? It has put me behind on everything, but he feels so much better. We just got up and I made him a cup of coffee. Randy bought us a coffee machine that lets us do one cup at a time with regular coffee grounds. As I am not drinking coffee any more Ron loves the machine. Hugs. Scottie

I am struggling with nightmares of something I don’t know if I should share with you.

There is something that has been preying on my mind and it is effecting my sleep and my day, every day. It is not critical yet. I started the post then sent it to draft. The issue is my memories of two of the methods used to punish me when I was 3 until the family moved about when I turned 7 years old. It is painful to think of and I know it will be even more painful for those who read it who did not live my childhood. I started a post and then shoved it into drafts until I could decide to publish it.

Here is the thing. I have come to care about my viewers, and I really have learned to care about people, all people, every person in some way since my miserable childhood. I have learned to see most people as good, and learned the hard way to recognize those that are not. I try to find the best in people, try to find a way to understand them.

I know if I write out what is inside me, it will hurt people, the people who come here. I have even hesitated to put it on the Male Survivor forums I belong to as there are a bunch of new people struggling and I don’t want to trigger them. I reached out to a good online friend there who had been pimped out all his childhood, professionally from 9 until 24 when he ran away. Like me right from his earliest memories after being adopted he was abused and sexualized. I asked him if he thinks I should write it and post it. I will look for his response tomorrow.

But while I may put it there, the question I have is should I put it here. There are new people here also, and there are new authors, Ali and Randy. Their followers may be shocked by what my childhood was and leave the viewership. I am confused, I am hurting, and I am struggling with this. I always used my blogs before to tell of my abuse before I even told Ron about them. But now I am torn. I want to get this out, yet I want to protect people.

Ok wonderful people who come here and read our posts. What do you think, please be honest. Should I write what I am feeling, what is bothering me here, or try to keep it bottled up inside me and maybe only share it there on MS? Thanks. I do care about each of you. Best wishes and / or Hugs as you prefer. Scottie

I should explain

Hello Everyone. As everyone knows my blog means a lot to me, I have used blogging the friends it brought me as a help against all the bad memories I have in my life. But for the last three weeks I couldn’t really do the blog and today at nearly 1 pm, after being at the computer since 3:30 am, I am just now starting to get to the comments I love.

I went to bed yesterday after a grand meal of a steak and large salad. Even though I did not finish all the steak but did eat the entire salad is because I just don’t eat like I use to, I now eat like an older person. But it was great and grand. But after, I went to bed about four pm.

I woke on and off until 1:30. I tried to go back to sleep but at 3 am Ron’s rescue cat tummy feed me alarm went off so I got up to feed him. At 3:30 I got to my computers. Then I went to the Male survivor site. I found I had several private messages and a bunch of replies to what I wrote before. Plus there were 20 more posts. I read them and replied to those I had something to add to the thread. Plus it is not just one person, every person is adding their thoughts and we all add our responses to them. It took me until 10 am this morning to clear it all out. Then I had to lay down and I slept for an hour and half.

When I got up, I went to the admin on my blog and checked the posts from Ali and Randy. I set them up in tabs to like, add comments to, or just read. I love that both Ail and Randy are adding their thoughts here. First it makes sure there is content when I can not get to it, and second what they both post is their ideas, their concerns, and different from what I might post. As Ron says it broadens the blog to give a far more diverse reason for people to come visit. Not to steal from the Christian or other holy books, but I looked on it and find it good. 😛😀😁😍😎

I have been feeling dragged out and tired. But I am hoping as the cold fades and I have more energy I can do better at handling both the blog and the other sites. I hate the feeling that there is simply not enough of me, and both Ron and Randy are worried about the time I am spending on the abuse site, immersed in others abuse and reliving mine. They are afraid it will cause me a relapse into depression on my own abuse. Yes it is possible I have already had bad dreams and been fighting that at night.

One guy was abducted at age 7, tortured and abused to be made a sex toy for a cult leader. Scary stuff, after a few years he was rescued, but still finds himself hitting himself if he doesn’t refer to the guy who abused him as master. He hits himself before he can stop it. Then he simply gave himself to anyone who demanded it or told him to please him. As a teen and young adult he simply lived in a house with no clothing thinking he had a boyfriend who loved him, but instead the guy would invite friends over and they used him when ever they felt like it. He got to the point that no matter what he was doing guys who were friends with his “boyfriend” simply would grab him and fuck him or tell him to drop down to suck them off. I understand the trained behavior, I was trained to it also. But most of mine stopped when the hell spawn left the house, only the adults were left to use me and occasionally the hell spawn came back or took me to their home to service them. One took me out in his semi and forced me to “please” him when he parked in a truck stop. I was an adult maybe 26 and still had not learned to tell them no. I never went out in his truck again no matter how much he tried to get me to.

The victim and I spend hours talking, writing back and forth. He wants more like a video call or phone call, but I have explained to him those things trigger me. Even now at 61 there are only two people in my life I feel comfortable / OK talking to on the phone, I still resonate with the beatings to never touch a phone as a child. I do much better on a computer or video app on the phone like FaceTime, because I don’t have to look like I am holding a phone to myself, getting open for an angry beating. But with ear buds it works also.

So right now I am tired. Again, I am going to lay down a few minutes because I can not finish this, my eyes are crossing. Yhrrn —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Several hours later … I just got up. What happened is along with my normal medication I took a med my doctor wanted me to try that is also given to MS patients. Ron has it at a much smaller dose. He wanted me to try it with my other when my muscles hurt or spasms more than I could stand with my regular medication. I took a half one. When it kicked in, my eyes crossed and I felt so tired, needing to lay down. Once the med cleared my system after a few hours I feel fine again but I will say my pain and spasms are much better. I got so foggy I wrote the last above the line before I went to bed. I decided to leave it in.

So the day is gone by, I have not posted or replied to comments, I have not helped Ron much around the house. I plan to make a sauce tomorrow. I did not even post my meme post this week, but I have not added to it in four days until today. So I think I will hold it a few days, or at least until tomorrow afternoon.

I thank everyone for hanging on here, to listening to me, Ali, or Randy. I feel so much better since I got up, I am going to go to the blog and reply to comments that are there I have not lost yet. As always to those who posted a comment I missed, reposted it or use my email listed to get my attention to it. Know I love you. This is a minor hiccup that is going to work itself out soon. Hugs. Scottie

Sorry I have been gone all day yesterday and most of today. Please let me explain.

So the other day I was so tired I couldn’t function. Ron got home after driving straight through to get home that night, so I was up until midnight after getting up at 3 am the morning before. So I was in no shape to blog. So I spent the day with my hubby after he got home from being on a long trip to bury his brother and seeing his family. Then I got up this morning at 3 am, and after feeding the cats I went on the MS site I always check first. I have been sharing and helping others on the site and have started to get quite a few doing private chats with me. They say I am kind, caring, and nice to talk to … I will take it.

But just before I was to get off there and go to my blog, a guy showed up blaming his once … unwanted … blow job from a man overturning his entire life and now he is anti gay people, rainbow flags, pride, and any showing of gays in society because they are all abusers and child molesters. He went on at length about how abusive and dysfunctional gay people were, how they were flaunting themselves in an abusive way in society, so on and so on. Remember he is in a site for males abused as children sexually and in other ways.

Anyone who knows me knows I can not resist such shit. He threatened right in his first post that if people said he needed therapy, he was bi or searching, or that he was a bigot then he was gone. I was like OK. I answered every paragraph he wrote, telling him he needed help professionally on some, telling him that because he says he now had thoughts of sex with men that he might be seeking and should again talk to professionals about it, as that is not the way sexual assaults work. One forced blow job doesn’t make a man who only thought of women before gay. I called out his bigotry when he posted how gays were now in schools with rainbow stickers to make kids gay. I even outright asked him if he was a troll. We will see. But I have been there on that site since basically 3 am to now nearly 1 pm. I am going to skip posts and go right to comments. Again like always if I missed your comment because it dropped off the list please resubmit it, I will do my best to reply. Hugs Scottie