I can not do it, sorry.

So much I want to to say, to write, to share, but I can not.   Very late I just was able to eat my supper.  I am so tired yes so anxious.  I have so many videos I have seen today I want to post.  Ron keeps telling to relax, to try to calm down, to go to bed.  I don’t know if I can go to bed, but Ron says he will go to bed with me.  So many more videos to post, yet they will be there in the morning.  Damn I am scared, what will be in my dreams.   No one understands, sometimes the dreams are good, and other times they are there, they come for me again and I can not stop them if I am asleep.   Ron again is asking me to go to bed.  He must know what he is asking.   I have to I am so tired, and my eyes hurt.   Good night, I hope for all of us.   But I think I will get up in the morning as tired as I am now, and as worried.   Hugs

9 thoughts on “I can not do it, sorry.

  1. I hope you rest well anyway.
    I totally understand your anxiety. Sometimes the best we can do is remember that it’s not happening right now. It can and it might happen one of these days, but not right now. All my best to you for peace and comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Ali. Thank you. I am 58 years old. You would think by now the nightmares would stop. You would think by now I could deal better. But it is what I have to face in my life. I know I have lots of supportive people to help me and do help, but those people were not there when I was a little boy. But one of the things I was taught in therapy was to build in my mind things that help me, like the handles to grab on to when the vortex tries to drag me into the void. Those handles are built of the supportive people in my life that I can draw on anything or other things that keep me anchored like my cats. Thanks again. Hugs

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Hello Nan. Thank you for remembering. We are feeding two outside cats, one is super friendly wanting to come in and find a forever home, the other is scared of everyone / everything. The very friendly one is really thin but has gained some weight, but it is slight. He has a damaged rear hip or something, like he was hit by a golf cart or something. He walks funny and I doubt he could hunt if he had to. Ron talked to one of our neighbors and she said her adult son puts out food in the morning for them. She told Ron the guy to our north side puts out a small amount of food for them also. We put out the most and we realized we have to put out two bowls because the friendly thin cat gets pushed from the bowl by the bigger seemingly younger much more scared cat. We are trying to find out the history of them. Seems one of the cats belonged to a woman who died or moved away or something. We know a lady that seems to know more about the cats so Ron has to get with her but we have not had time. Right now the first one up or James when he gets home takes out the two bowls of dry food. The two cats hang out in our driveway all night because when James is off work he will go outside at night to smoke and takes the food dishes out for them and pets the friendly one. Yes he shouldn’t smoke, he started it a few years ago, doesn’t smoke much, and never in the house. So all night the two cats wait for him even on days he works. Which is good for us as it keeps nighttime bad critters away like armadillos. The thin one really wants pets and attention and will stand with his head right at our door. But we cannot let him in due to Odie. The neighbor across the street Ron talked to about them said the same thing, she has an older inside cat so she cannot take him in. Personally I think it would be hard to separate them at this point they are almost always together, security in numbers I guess. Hugs.

          OT. Ron made me a couple grilled cheese sandwiches for supper, I have not been eating supper and the last few days I have not been eating. But it is making me really sleepy. I guess I will go to bed soon and finish the comments in the morning. Have a great night. Hugs

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Michael. I am getting better but it is going to take a while. It was a hard emotional knock. I am thankful for all the support and it helps but I cannot erase the past nor how it has damaged me. Normally I can stay in a safe headspace able to deal with the good and bad in life and deal with the nightmares / memories of my childhood. I am sorry to hear you have not been feeling well and tired? Do you have an idea why? Did you get exposed to Covid? I hope you get back to full energy soon. Keep me updated on how you are. I care. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

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