There is something that has been preying on my mind and it is effecting my sleep and my day, every day. It is not critical yet. I started the post then sent it to draft. The issue is my memories of two of the methods used to punish me when I was 3 until the family moved about when I turned 7 years old. It is painful to think of and I know it will be even more painful for those who read it who did not live my childhood. I started a post and then shoved it into drafts until I could decide to publish it.
Here is the thing. I have come to care about my viewers, and I really have learned to care about people, all people, every person in some way since my miserable childhood. I have learned to see most people as good, and learned the hard way to recognize those that are not. I try to find the best in people, try to find a way to understand them.
I know if I write out what is inside me, it will hurt people, the people who come here. I have even hesitated to put it on the Male Survivor forums I belong to as there are a bunch of new people struggling and I don’t want to trigger them. I reached out to a good online friend there who had been pimped out all his childhood, professionally from 9 until 24 when he ran away. Like me right from his earliest memories after being adopted he was abused and sexualized. I asked him if he thinks I should write it and post it. I will look for his response tomorrow.
But while I may put it there, the question I have is should I put it here. There are new people here also, and there are new authors, Ali and Randy. Their followers may be shocked by what my childhood was and leave the viewership. I am confused, I am hurting, and I am struggling with this. I always used my blogs before to tell of my abuse before I even told Ron about them. But now I am torn. I want to get this out, yet I want to protect people.
Ok wonderful people who come here and read our posts. What do you think, please be honest. Should I write what I am feeling, what is bothering me here, or try to keep it bottled up inside me and maybe only share it there on MS? Thanks. I do care about each of you. Best wishes and / or Hugs as you prefer. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 
Scottie: Here’s my POV. Post it. Make the first paragraph a “content” warning so that those who might be sensitive can skip it. Then put in some blank paragraphs. That’s what I did. I chose not to go into a lot of detail, but that’s for you to decide. It will be therapeutic, I hope, to write it. It was for me.
Yes, I’m a survivor too. Much of my childhood is literally a blank. No, I won’t go into details of what I remember in this forum.
Blessed be.
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I agree with this plan. It lets Scotty publish and still has a layer of the protection he wants for his readers. (Scotty, I’m replying to Janet – so you’re third person in this comment. That’s the only reason for the third person mode)
And I have a mostly blank childhood as well. I don’t know why, I don’t know if it is from trauma or from being neurodivergent in some way. I don’t know if I want to find out why. What I do remember is my two favorite places were hiding and making myself as small as possible, or going up a tree, often with a book in hand. I don’t know if I should pursue unearthing whatever I’ve blocked out, but I currently see no reason to start that project. The people I know offline with these issues seem to have suffered from learning more. So, I just don’t know.
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MDavis, I’m in therapy, but my therapist and I haven’t yet discussed trying to unlock the hidden trauma. I have enough trauma that I do remember. I don’t need to add more. And I strongly suspect doing so would do more harm than good.
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There is a reason it’s locked away. I agree with the possibility of more damage rather than healing.
One night, I kept my hubby up all night telling him how terrible all men were and how he’s a man so he’s on notice, and etc. with examples.
Then I hopped into bed and 20 minutes later I woke up to him peeking around a corner at me. When I spoke he said “You’re back! Thank goodness!”
All I Remembered was the waking up and asking him “Have I been somewhere?” He told me some of the details I had revealed but I still don’t remember directly. It became clear, though, that my birth family was a system with members involved in protecting the abusers from consequences, or avoiding more abuse, or both.
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Hi Mdavis. Thank you for your input. I also have blank spots, but mine are normally when I was drugged such as when I was 3 to 7 and my oldest hell spawn would take me to parties … I can remember being in his car, he was 16, 17, 18 or more. We pull up to a house. Sometimes I remember going in and seeing people. Most times I only remember the house or door. I would wake up either on the couch or on my mat in the hallway where I slept. Most of the time I did not have my clothing on. There are a lot of other gaps, but other than that I sadly remember it all in detail complete with feelings. You may have read some of my posts of my abuse, and I dearly hope it did not trigger you. I would say if your not bothered, you are not having triggering events, I wouldn’t open the sealed chest either. I wish you the very best my friend. Hugs if you like them, if not then Best wishes. Scottie
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Thank you so much, Scotty. Hugs are fine. It’s easy to step aside from the other side of the internet if I’m having a “don’t touch me” day. But your hugs are always appreciated, no matter what my day holds.
I don’t seem to be triggered, but sometimes I find myself reading something awful a second time and I wonder who is doing that.
I know for sure I never went through the level of awful that you did and I wonder if you had to remember to stay alive through all that. Why else do this to yourself?
Hugs on offer!
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Hi MDavis. Great question, why do I remember. From the years of waking up in the military in a cold sweat yelling or kicking / thrashing. My roommates lucky thought I had seen combat. I had just not the kind they thought of. When I got to where I could have a room with me and just a boyfriend, they normally knew the basics and did not ask more.
I could go on to describe my first years out of the service, living alone, triggered at every sound, every dream. Often going to work with no sleep since my last shift. Taking to drinking to dull the pain.
When Ron moved in, and I worked nights sleeping in the day, he could hardly move in the house or I was not only awaken but sometimes flying out of bed ready to fight. He learned as years went on not to touch me if I was having “one of those dreams” as when I came to I could lash out violently to protect myself.
Funny thing is he had a greyhound he moved in to my home with. The greyhound never triggered me. She would gently get on the bed and lay down often sharing my pillow and it never woke or triggered me. But let Ron even walk down the hallway towards the bedroom to use the bathroom, and I was wide awake.
Yes remember to stay alive. Yes I often wondered why I never suicided. It would have been easy. I did self harm, I cut my self and other things a lot. I still have the scars. But it was not until my breakdown in 2014 that I lay on the bed, simply wanting to not exist. Not willing to take my own life, but simply just not wanting to be. I wouldn’t eat or do anything, just lay there waiting for nonexistence.
Why I write about it. That is easy. It helps me deal with the memories. The constant memories, feelings, nightmares, dreams of the people that abused me and what they did. In the last few years I am better since for a decade or so I have been writing about it and expressing it. Before I would wake screaming, heart racing, begging not to be hurt, promising to be a good boy and cooperate. Begging them to use lube or stop hitting me. More than once Ron raced from the living room to the bedroom to either get me out of the nightmare or to soothe me as I lay on the floor sobbing.
See writing about it, expressing it, that takes the power away from it to hurt me so bad. It will never make it go away. It will always be there. But once I can get it out, voice it, let others know about it … it slowly loses its horrible impact on me. It is well known on support sites, and that is why we all share our memories of abuse. The more we feel others know and others also felt the same, the better we can deal with it.
Thanks for listening to me friend. I am glad you have the peace you do now. But if it ever breaks, let me know. Not only will I listen but I will give you the link to the Male Survivor site I belong to. Great group of people who are willing to help anyone in need. Hugs, joyous warm hugs. Scottie
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Hello Janet. Thank you. I am sorry for your abuse and childhood. I hope there are forums for women as good as the one I am a member of for men. Here on this blog I have detailed a lot of my abuse. I have used my blogs for me to get this out before. But you were one of the new people following I was worried about how my abuse would affect you.
As far as I am concerned, while we here do not have that the support things that other blogs designed for it, but you can voice what you want about your childhood or abuse as you feel you want to. Only as you want and on your own timetable. I care about you. I will do what I can to support you.
Janet I find that to fully express my feelings and get this out of me, I have to write in detail my abuse. Otherwise the feelings / emotions I am trying to express I cannot do so in vague terms. Yes I find that writing about it, expressing it takes the power way from the horrific memories and emotions that come with it. So if you search my blog archives for my abuse, it might be very triggering. Please be careful and if you need support the people here are wonderful.
While I have a lot of blanks in my life, sadly far too much of it I remember in vivid detail. Thank you for your input. If I do it, I will try to do as you suggest. Hugs if it is OK for you. (some of my viewers are triggered by hugs, even virtual ones, so for them I say Best Wishes. Please let me know if you would prefer no hugs.) Scottie
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Scottie, I treasure hugs. And your kind caring words. 💜
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As for forums to discuss such things? As a transgender woman, I’m not comfortable talking in groups of women, particularly survivors. Women like me have been horribly demonized as invaders in women only spaces. But I have my therapist, and they are exceptionally caring. They are masc presenting non-binary, and as a member of the community, able to see beyond such stereotyping. Thanks again.
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Hi Janet. I am glad you have a caring therapist, they are in short supply some places. I am not currently in therapy.
We have many trans women in the support site I belong to. Male survivor. https://malesurvivor.org There are many forums and the trans people who come, the trans women are welcome. An abused person is an abused person, we don’t parse their body parts. I can think of four trans women offhand that are in almost every thread helping people. They were abused as little boys / preteens, some forced to wear female clothing for their mothers to pimp out or by their abusers, and some just found their own gender identity during or after the abuse. If you want just go and read the stories without joining. But if you are in need, please check them out. I know Leitha (I hope I spelled her name correctly, I am terrible at spelling) is one, as is Saber Cat. Both with such horrible stories of childhood but so willing to reach out and help anyone who comes to the site. Be well, and know I care. Hugs Scottie
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I third this. Scottie, you do what you need to do.
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Hi Ali. Are you sure you would be OK? You are one of the ones I worry about. You are such a wonderfully caring person I think reading what some of my punishments were as a 3 to 7 year old might be very upsetting to you. I would hate to have your distress on top of my own knowing I hurt you in a way you couldn’t handle.
As you can see I am at war with myself on this. It will come out, it is so upsetting, I have had a couple of weeks of dreams and nightmares … but I just don’t know what if I hurt someone like you by your reading it? Maybe I am obsessing too much. I should go to bed and when I get up in the morning just write it up. If it upsets people I can delete it, Right? I have myself tied into emotional knots over this. In a way I wish I had not brought it up, it is eating at me now. But then it might have burst out with no warning for people. I guess I just want to go to bed. Best wishes. Hugs. Scottie
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Well, it’s very true that it is upsetting for me to read that those things happened to you. Even more so because they cause you such problems even today.
But when I get upset about abuse, even to those I care for, I tend to go Amazon, rather than become anxious or depressed, if that makes sense. I want to try to do something to see that nothing like that happens again. Of course it’s not going to happen to you again, literally. I so hate that it haunts you, but I’m so glad for you that you have the blog and a supportive partner to help you through the hauntings. Use your blog as you’ve intended, and vent when you need to. If something’s too upsetting, I can scroll on by, too, and come back on another post, same as the rest of us.
I hope you rest well, Scottie! 💤😴🛌
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Thank you Ali, that means a lot to me. I will start writing it up later. First I want to read what you posted, and answer comments addressed to me and something I posted. You are correct, It does haunt me. The lasting gift of abuse from my childhood abusers. And this is starting to hurt me during the day. I find myself trying to watch something, reading / watching Jill’s good people or good animal posts, anything to get my mind free. It is hard to explain. One of my doctors told me I have PTSD and that I need a trauma therapist, but I can not afford one. So I keep trying to heal my own way. Hugs. Scottie
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We’ve talked about the PTSD here before, Scottie. I wonder if one of those online therapy organizations might be affordable? I’ve never looked at them; they could be only all about medication management, which you don’t need getting into the existing mix, but talk therapy would be good. I know you’ve checked on all the local resources. I’ll keep my eyes and ears open.
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Hi Ali. Right now, Ron is very concerned. See I have a problem where I care for people I feel are vulnerable, well I care about all people, but I go out on a limb for those vulnerable. There is a guy on MS who was kidnapped at age 7 by a religious cult leader and who had him trained as a sex toy. It was brutal. He reached out to me because some of our abuse was the same.
Right now he is in a bad spot and I have been trying to help him out via email. But it is not enough and he is pushing me to use a secure voice over computer programs to talk to him one on one.
Ron has known about this situation sort of, but not how far it had progressed. When I told him the guy was pushing me to do these voice calls, and Ron was working in my room and read some of his emails to me over my shoulder. Ron then said stuff I was not prepared for. He told me he was worried about this. He told me even though I don’t realize it or understand it, I am very fragile still. He fought hard to get my mind / emotions back after my breakdown and even this morning I told him some more abuse I have been remembering in detail. Stuff I don’t say on the blog. About being raped, about being made to drink pee, but in detail and naming the people.
He told me he was very concerned about my getting any deeper in helping this guy. He said I was still too fragile and my own memories too raw. He repeatedly asked me to promise I would come to him if I felt my self slipping, unable to handle my emotions. He told me that even if it meant I had to pull back from the MS site he was really worried what constantly reading others abuse is setting me back in my own healing. He mentioned my own reoccurring nightmares about my punishments I have yet to post on the blog.
He is correct to be worried, yet I can not turn my back on someone so deeply and clearly in need. I will have to walk a very thin tight wire on it. Thanks for letting me get this out. Hugs. Scottie
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I agree with Ron. Not only because I consider you and me to be friends and am concerned for you, but also in general. It’s sort of like working for a lawyer. You learn a lot of law, you learn a lot about how things are done, and law being law, things are generally straightforward and orderly. You can read many things you need to know. But, in law school, people get training that paras don’t receive, which is why we’re not legally allowed to practice law: we’re not lawyers. In your situation, if the other man is to a point where he’s wanting to speak in person, maybe it’s only to hear another human, but he needs specialized help. Getting deeper with him could endanger you as well as him. Just my .02. I’m always gonna be Team Scottie and Ron. And the kitties!
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Heck. That sentence before “my .02” should say “…but maybe he needs specialized help.” I can’t diagnose, either, hence the maybe! But I had no intent to diagnose, it’s merely a typo. Please excuse.
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Hi Ali. I understand what you and Ron are saying. However I need you both to understand how my childhood and life formed me. I can not turn my back on someone clearly needing my help, someone not asking me for more than listening to him. Hi is not asking me for money, or gifts, he is hurting and desperate for people to hear him. Yes he is a bit clingy but he is hurting. He had a hell of a life after his kidnapping and while I might not be the best or most qualified to help him, but I am the one he is reaching out to. Tell me, which one of you would have turned child Scottie away, which one of you would have seen / encountered bruised and battered teen Scottie away if he wanted to talk to you. Lucky for me the farmer did not or I might have died that summer. He did not even ask why I was begging him to let me stay in his barn for the summer, he took action. That is what I am trying to do here with Kamyk and give him a safe space to talk with someone.
Anyway. Hugs. Scottie
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OK, Scottie, I believe you’re aware of the boundaries you need. Hugs back to you.
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