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Scottie's Playtime 
Self proclaimed “Christians”, Scottie. Not really steadfast ones who are living in fear for their lives these days. I’m concerned about a few who work here where I live. I wonder when ICE will break down the doors and haul them out in handcuffs. Just learned yesterday that our Sheriff’s department has signed an agreement to aid ICE in detaining immigrants here, along with 11 other counties in Kentucky. First I was no longer proud to be an American and now I am no longer proud to be a Kentuckian. I’ve also lost faith in the Catholic Church, but hoping it will return, depending on what I read from the new Pope.
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Hi Angela. I hope everything is well for you. I worry about you and all of us lower incomes who are dependent on Medicare / Medicaid. As I told Roger on a different Christians acting not like Christians post. I hesitate as an atheist to say who is a Christian or tell someone who calls themselves a Christian that they are not. I might say they are not acting like Jesus, but as I support using the name and pronouns a person might ask others to honor, if someone says they are Christian I feel I must call them Christians. But people like you, Roger, Ali, and Rev. Trevors really are following the path of the Christ honoring the things Jesus talked about so you have a freedom to talk about how Christian these people are.
As for the immigrant workers around 2011 the state of Georgia decided to write a hateful bill targeting those working migrants. The bill was about doing what tRump’s people are doing now, rounding up honest working people and jailing them or deporting them. The migrants left the state. The crops rotted in the fields. It cost the state billions of dollars and seriously hurt their economy. They quickly rescinded the law the next year.
I hope for the best while doing the most I can to help our fellow brothers and sisters, those who are like us just born in a different place or have a different skin color. ICE is rounding up US citizens if they are black or brown and with no due process how do you defend your self. One man showed his real driver’s license to the ICE person, they took it from him, decided it was fake, and put him in detention for over a month. He lost his job and his housing. Another US citizen was deported to Mexico and it took him 3 months to get back. By the time he got back to the US he had lost everything. The land of the free, right? We have to face the facts, the people behind this policy and the ICE agents doing the work are white supremacists who want to whiten the US. They are terrified that they white people will not be the majority in a few years so they want to remove any brown people. It is sick, it is wrong, but they think they are saving the country while what they really are doing is destroying it. Hugs
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I keep asking myself how long I will have a roof over my head. And will I be able to pay the rent next year. I wish I could live with one of my kids and am seriously thinking about offering my Social Security check to any of them that will give me a home. My youngest would without any problem but he’s the only one who doesn’t have any room for another person, living in a mobile double wide with wife, son, grandson and occasionally grandson’s mom. I’m thinking about checking on a small mobile home and setting it up next to his though. Maybe his older brother wouldn’t try to toss me back out. It’s sad when you spend your life living for kids who don’t seem to care what happens to you after they move out. They think their dad was so wonderful but they don’t have any idea what kind of interference I had to run to keep them safe from his wrath when he was on a role. His idea of discipline was to beat them with a broom until the handle broke but I told him flat out the first time he even tried to do anything like that he would not only never see any of them again but he would be looking at the world thru the bars on his prison cell. A spanking I can understand and used one time on each of them — a swat on a diapered bottom got the point across, but he wanted to beat them senseless the way his dad did them and his sister was doing with her kids. Nope! Not going to happen.
Sorry, feeling blue today and tonight. Others here have family visiting every day and I am lucky if any of mine visit once every other month. Not even a phone call from them. I guess I’m just jealous .
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Hi Angela. I understand your fear of having a roof over your head. You have had to work hard to find a place that you could afford and suffered because the places were not as good or had as nice a people as you should live among. But friend so many of us worry that we are one serious bill, one missed social security check to find we are deeply in serious trouble to pay for housing or other needed expenses.
If you would ask my advice … do not offer your entire income to anyone for shelter. You will need some to use to make life itself worth living. But I can understand your need to feel safe and secure as you find life harder.
Setting up a small mobile home is much harder than it seems. But what you could do easier is use those fund to buy a park model home. It is a mini mobile home. All you would need is for your youngest to do is to pay for an electrical hook up to power the home and a sewer hook up into his existing one. Ron and I let my adopting parents live in a park model we owned in our development. It was great for them. They were elderly. The park models are about 12 or the new ones are 14 wide by 40 foot long. They have a living room and a kitchen, a bathroom and a bedroom. They are well laid out and you can get one to your needs. Basically a small home. They are well insulated and have everything you need. I think some RV companies now offer something similar.
********************** Abuse Warning, Please be safe *************************************
Angela. Thank you for standing up for your children. That was so wonderful and grand of you! As a victim of severe emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I wish I had a parent like you. My adopting parents got me to abuse me. I was often beaten until I either couldn’t get up or just passed out from pain. Or gave in and did what they wished me to do sexually to stop from being hit. It is why I am disabled today the damage they did to my body. I am so sorry your children do not see what you did for them. Again you would have been an angel for me.
I understand you’re being blue. You feel a connection to your children and they don’t really feel that same connection. I have no connection to family. I don’t understand it. Ron my husband has a great connection to his siblings. The hell spawn kids of my adopting parents who also abused me I long ago stopped any contact. When I was 23 and met up with the oldest male who was 11 years older than me and was a truck driver, he kept me in his truck for 4 days and he raped me repeatedly as he had done when I was a child.
I found my real father years ago but of his many (8 or 9) kids only one wants to have any contact with me. We mostly text each other once in a while. Otherwise the only family I have is my husband and a really close friend I made who we call my brother.
You have a right to want more contact with your children … but be careful some children are not as good to their parents as they should be. I worry you might offer your income to one of them only to be abuse. Sorry my past colors my perceptions and I don’t mean to cast aspersions on any of your children. No matter what happens please keep in touch and keep me informed. I do care about you. Hugs.
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Thanks for the advise, Scottie. I will begin looking into the type of home you talked about and it won’t be a problem hooking it up out on the farm where there are electrical hookups to every barn and shed already in place. I think I’ll talk to Mike about it and see if he will agree. Even a camper would be better than this 10 foot square prison cell I live in now. Maybe!!!!
I am so sorry you suffered so much as a child. I was “visited” in bed by my dad beginning when I was 12 and lasting until 16, which I think caused the insomnia I still have today. At 16 I was too old for him so he moved on to my sister and then to the youngest sister when the one in the middle reached 16. My mother did make a remark a few years before she died that shed a lot of light on my earlier years of being so afraid of her. When I spouted off at her one day when she was critizing me for some small problem she thought I had she told me I was getting too much like when i was a baby and it took her 3 years to beat the spirit out of me. That was a real eye opener as far as how afraid of change I used to be.
As for relationshps with my siblings, I’m the one always left out of everything. I once complained about the times I tried to enter their conversations and my mother told me it was bcause I have a quiet voice competing with their loud robust voices. I just looked at her and told her that was not a good excuse for rudeness and after that they paid more attention when I talked but it’s just not worth all the trouble any more. There are only 5 of us left and I’m the only one in Owensboro now, with one brother about 15 miles out in the county, one brother in Atlanta, and both sisters in Colorado. They don’t always visit me when they are in the area but I can live with that.
One of my sisters was a social worker in Colorado and she would occasionally talk about having to take kids from their abusive families and how they never could take any of their things iwth them, so a few years ago I decided to do what I could for them, collecting baby dolls and making wardrobes for them as well as making quilts and large tote bags for them to put their stuff in when they were moved from one place to another. I think this might be the first time I’ve said anything about that, mainly because I wanted the recipients to know someone cares but doesnt want anything from them in return. I am still making quilts and tote bags for them but the dolls and fabrics for the clothes have become more than I can manage financially. Some of the items needed for making quilts is becoming too expensive since our new prez decided to put his tariffs on it all. Would you believe a spool of thread has jumped from $3 to $4 each to $12? And the yarn I used for blankets from $3 a skein to $15? But I must be wrong here because I just read a report from D.C. that prices are dropping on everything, so I guess I’m delusional and only think they are now too expensive.
I think I might be able to sleep right now so will climb down off my soapbox. Hugs!!!!
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Hi Angela. Thank you so much for trusting me with your past. It is always hard to voice our abuse but I found that once I could speak about it then it lost its hold over me. The idea of beating the spirit out of a child is as bad as the abuse you suffered. But like I said my abusers used beatings and pain to make me compliant. I was so malnutrition at one point my grandfather rushed me to the ER where they put me in the child ICU. I died a clinical death and they revived me. After that I got more food, but I had to earn it. The sad thing is I would have responded better to kindness. Until I was nearly 8 years old I slept in a hallway on a mat. I would pay my hell spawn siblings “favors” to be allowed to sleep in their warm comfortable beds. But a few of them got off over causing me pain or seeing me cry / beg. They got that from their father who was the one who really enjoyed causing me pain.
I think you would enjoy having that kind of living I mentioned. Plus you can get them with washer / dryer setups. What we did with ours was build an attached to the house screened vinyl windowed “porch” that was attached to a shed that was against the house. In the shed we put the washer / dryer and a space to store the golf cart / tool shed. You could do that. Even if you get a camper that doesn’t have the hook ups or space for them you can get a small rubber maid shed that you can put them in and depending on size you can keep other things in.
Thank you so much for your work with helping make scared / abused children have some comfort. You should do a go fund me to raise the funds to do the work. I know many of the people here on my Play Time would donate. Also do you know Jill and her web page? She would also push your go fund me page. Also you might look around your area online, there are many charities that look for people with your abilities that would fund you. Reach out to your sister to get ideas on the ones you should contact, but also ask your local police as they often need those things. When we left West Palm Beach I had 90 stuffed animals. Our local sheriffs had a policy of having stuff animals in their cars for traumatized children. Maybe reach out to your local police to see if they can help you.
As for your soap box … dear friend please feel free to stand on it proudly here. We need more supportive voices that reach out with love to others. Hugs
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I’ve thouht about a go fund me idea but not sure the nuns here would allow it. My 10 by 10 foot room is already filled to the brim with the things I have managed to buy a little bit each month. And yes, I know Jill not only as a blogger but as a dear friend. I’m not sure if I want a lot of publicity about the things I do though. I’m always afraid people would think I want something from them in return. I spent the worst years of the AIDS pandemic working in the background, although a very good friend, a priest who contracted the disease from a blood product did manage to get me out in front when he told me to organize a walk for Dec. 1, 1993. I guess I still have my mom’s voice in the background of my brain telling me to keep my mouth shut and let others do the speaking when doing anything at all.
I really hate that you had to go through so much pain and agony as a child. I know what it feels like to a certain point but not as much as you had to endure. It has made you a strong and wonderful person as an adult, but that’s small comfort when you remember so much bad things from your childhood. I know I still have bad memories at times but have found writing about it in a journal helps. But then what I went through pales in comparison to what you went through. You have had a terrible time but I am able to say you have managed to overcome most of it and are a wonderful person today because of it all. It is a privilege to get to know you. If you lived anywhere near me I would be adopting you, as I did Rick, a sweet young man who had AIDS and died in 1994. He called me Mom, and knowing how much his mom meant to him it was a privilege to be thought of that way. I have a habit of adopting everyone I meet I guess. When working for Hospice I think I considered every one of my patients family and shed a boatload of tears at each funeral.
The home you told me about sounds better and better every day. It would be wonderful to have more space with a room to store all of my projects so I wouldn’t have to maneuver around them every time I stand up. One of my biggest fears is falling again. They put you in the infirmary with a roommate in the tiny room when you fall and put everything you have on a table for anyone to take. I consider that theft but they seem to get away with it here. Something about being a nun I guess.
Thank you so much for understanding the need to vent at times. It really helps, and in this case I learned some valuable things to check in to. I think the biggest problem now is the way prices have tripled on a lot of the things I use thanks to the crazy person in D.C. I’m still wondering how on earth people could vote for someone like that. I found a “saying” that describes it best: Satan no longer wears a disguise as he walks among us, and yet people still don’t see him.”
Many huge hugs. Angie
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Hi Angie. Your mention of the nuns gave me an idea. The new pope is all about returning the church to its past of helping those without and being humble. Ron told me he has decreed that bishops must spend at least three days a month walking the area they are in charge of barefoot. The idea of them being princes in this world he is trying to get rid of. Have you approached the nuns about what you do for children? If any group should approve they should. I tell you what, if you want to write up what you are trying to do and a request for suggestions on how to get assistance with doing it, I will gladly post it here. That is what the Play Time is for … helping people who have no voice or other ways to get help.
I understand those voices from childhood. Mine tortured me then and still do to this day. But I have got to ask you to try to ignore the memory of your mother’s bad demands on you keeping you from speaking up. I ask because this is not just for you that you are speaking out, this is not a selfish reason you are raising your voice. You are doing it to help children. Praise you and blessing to you from the deity you believe in.
I spent the worst years of the AIDS pandemic working in the background, although a very good friend, a priest who contracted the disease from a blood product did manage to get me out in front when he told me to organize a walk for Dec. 1, 1993. Thank you for the work you did. I also spent my time in the military giving blood for those that needed it. My unit knew I was gay and those taking my blood did not care. But when I came home I found I couldn’t donate anymore without lying. I went from donating every time I was able to not doing so at all. You were grand for helping a group of humans / people that many wanted to turn their backs on in ignorance.
Sweet wonderful person, in the support group I belong to for men abused as both children and adults one thing we learn / get to see is not to compare one abuse experience to another. That is because people are different in their entire make up. I have known people who let their entire life fall apart because they were unable to deal with one instance of molestation. Many of those later after sharing with me the effect on their life they went through on learning my childhood said they felt ashamed. I rejected that they should feel ashamed. Their life was effected as badly by that one horrific time as much as my 23 years of abuse was to me. One man on our support site had his sexual abuse consist of having a fellow classmate during middle school stick his finger in his butthole through his gym shorts repeatedly for over a year. That may seem small until you read the hell of an emotionally abusive life he lived at home. He was as damaged as I was but it was expressed differently.
Angie, what you went through as a young woman is horrific. Very horrific! When I was 6 I was told how babies were made, the male put his penis inside the other person and that made a baby. For several years every time I was raped I cried worrying that I would get “with a baby”. My hell spawn male abusers used that against me claiming while they raped me orally or anally they were putting a baby in me. I would cry and beg not to have a baby and they would only use it against me. One reason I am in full support of comprehensive sexual education.
While for me that was not possible that was something you faced every time a visit to your bed happened, it must have scared you as much as it did young me. I am so thankful your young body did not suffer that which may have taken your life. But the idea must have tormented you.
You mention a journal. I have my blog and the friends that listen to me when I need to express my feelings. I also am on the Male Survivor website which helps me greatly. But mostly is I have my husband. Long before I even told him he suspected I was abused. He listens to me at night and if he hears me going into a nightmare he will gently wake me. He and my friends have been my salvation. The truth is in 2014 I had a breakdown. I will tell you the story if you wish, it is a grand story of how a couple of people gave of themselves their time and effort to keep me from just spiraling down deeper into my own nightmares and instead brought me out to life again.
It is a privilege to get to know you. Thank you Angie. I feel the same towards you. I am so happy you could do what you did for Rick, give him the family love he never had. That maybe why I am so wanting to find a way you can keep making those blankets and maybe a few toys for the children. See I did not have toys. At Christmas I was given presents to unwrap, toys to admire and fawn over and then had to sit still as the older hell spawn got to paw through what I was given and take for themselves. That is who they were bought for anyway, not me the child used for abuse. Their joy was making me sit there and unwrap them with the slight hope I could keep them, only to be forced to sit quietly why they were taken away. I got to keep the socks and shirts as I was too small for them to fit anyone. As I mentioned I slept on a mat in a hallway. How I would have loved one or two of your blankets. That is why it is important to me to find funding for you. I never had a blanket no matter how cold it got, I had to use my body to get a warm bed. No child should be faced with that choice.
Thank you so much for understanding the need to vent at times. Always good friend. Please keep in touch, let me know what is going on in your life. The good, the bad, and sadly the ugly. I do hope you can get a used park model or a RV camper. They really would be better for you. And give you the space to make your blankets and toys. Again please consider writing up a post about your situation and desires I can post to see if my wonderful subscribers can suggest places that have funds to assist you. After all what are friends for, or as the Rev. Ed Trevors who I watch says, what are people for but to help each other when we can. Warmest Hugs Always.
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Scottie, you make me feel so good about myself. I can almost forget the last words my mom said to me before she died. She was actively dying and yet they took her to PT and were denying her begging for water so I stepped in and stopped it. That earned me a dressing down from my brothers who were her POA’s, but when we got mom back to her room and I tried to help her get comfortable she looked at me and just hissed, “Get out of here and talk your junk with you. I never wanted you in the first place, just want Tony!: Tony is the big brother who died in January and I really loved him so much. But the wierd thing is that a few months after mom died she came to me and apologized for the way she treated me. She was in the company of 3 angels who then asked if I wanted to come with them. I started out floating away with them but then realized if I went farther my kids would receive a phone call telling them I had died suddenly without any word left for them. So….the angels went on and I woke up wondering as I still do if it happened or if I was dreaming. I talked to my therapist about it and she said it probably actuallly happened, but then I was wondering if I was insane or not so that was probably her way of assuring me I wasn’t crazy, just a strange kind of normal.
I don’t think the nuns here would do anything to help me, mainly because they are some of the most worldly ones I have ever known. This place is filled with antiques and very expensive furniture, a baby grand piano in the main lobby with pianos in other areas of the building. They have Christmas disolays that run in the thousands of dollars and add to them every year, plus don’t hesitate to remind me that I am here on charity, even though this tiny room costs $2000 a month. I’ve donated quilts to the chapel which is very cold and they are used for the infirmary residents during any and all church services. The fact that it has mainly led me to reject their brand of Catholisism is also against me.
I had read that about the Pope and his new rules and love it. Pope Francis started some of the new ideal by ejecting the Cardinals from their cushy residency in the Vatican and Leo is taking it farther back into the beginning. I’m very impressed with him and pray for a long life for him. I can possiibly get in touch with someone at the Catholic Center about funding. I know they help people occasionally, but again there is the ongoing request for funds for people needing helo with rent or utilities as well as food, so it may or may not work. At least I can give it a try. I will also seriously work on the post for you if you think that would work. I hesitate about the go fund me because I’ve read so many horrible replies to people on the Nextdoor app who need help and the turds who give them grief for asking for help.
Scottie, if you would trust me with your address I would love to send you a quilt. I think of them as a way to show my love and good will by giving a way to keep warm when the world seems the coldest. My kids have started begging me to stop making them as gifts to them because they just can’t understand why I do it. My paternal grandmother is the person who passed on the love of quilts and made me want to make them. She would make a new quilt for each family every year and give that as well as a new feather pillow made from the feathers she plucked from her geese. Her arms would be red from being assaulted by the geese as she plucked them but it never stopped her. I wish you could have known her. She always wore long dresses and sunbonnets, had her pet cows on their dairy farm that were never put on the milking machines, but hand milked twice every day by her and any grandchild she could get to help. Everyone called her Mom and my grandpa was Pop. They immigrated from Germany in the late 1800’s and settled first in Jasper, Indiana which was and probably still is a German community. My dad had to learn English before he could start to school. They moved to Kentucky in the early part of the 20th century, buying a large farm and building a big red brick two storey house. I remember best a cherry tree in the chicken yard. I would climb up in that tree and eat cherries every year when they began to ripen. we didn’t get to visit them much because my mom was uncomfortable there where they still spoke German a lot and never lost the accent. And my mom hated to be called Mom, probably because of the real Mom. Mine was always Mother, a very cold word to me. Mother was the daughter of sharecroppers but always her family thought they were so much better than Mom and Pop. Never knew why.
Now I’ve spent enough time with my rantings, but just sometimes want to share the grandparents with others who may not have known any of their own. On the dark days and nights just think of a wonderful old German couple called Mom and Pop by everyone who came in contact with them and they can be your grandparents too.
I am so glad you have a great husband. That helps a lot I am told. Mine was more married to his brother than to me and I admit to severe jealousy at times.
Now I have to get busy on this room. My space for walking around is shrinking due to the fabrics and things in progress being stacked around the walls and I have to find a place to stash some of them before thei come in and “store” them for me.
Huge hugs and loads of love! Forever!
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Hi Angie. Thank you for sharing your grandparents with me. The memories you have are a wonderful gift they gave you.
Yes I think a post about your efforts and how the costs have gotten to the point you have to stop or do fewer of them someone will have a way to help or other useful suggestions.
I understand your wish to sent me a blanket and I thank you for the warm caring love you are sharing. I will give you my address it is not a secret, but before you send it think of the local shelters for both humans and animals that desperately need a warm blanket. Maybe donate it to them in my name would be a more fitting way to pass the good feelings on. If you have a family shelter that takes in abused women with children they might need the dolls you make. If you do send it to me please let me know the shipping so I can reimburse you that part so you can buy more supplies to make even more wonderful gifts.
Scottie Miller 39 South Pioneer Street, North Fort Myers, FL 33917
I am sorry you were rejected by your mother. I was rejected from day one. My birth father did not want me (he had a problem keeping his penis in his pants around women, if it had a vagina he wanted to have sex with it) and when I was about to turn 3 she dumped me on his doorstep. He had a bunch of kids and his wife refused to let me live with them so he sold me to my adopting parents. From the very first meeting I was shown my place. I was not a member of the family but an object to be abused. And not just by them. Well that was a long time ago, better to think of the cat laying on my desk purring. Please know you are worthy and the fact you are loved / respected by your children along with your friends proves that.
Yes the new pope has rejected the idea of bishops being “prince among men” and is requiring them to be more humble. Ron tells me the new pope requires them to walk barefoot the entire area they are responsible for at least once a year. Ron says there are ten changes such as no more expensive gifts. I worked with a couple of wealthy doctors who were all about how tight they were with the local bishop and how they went to the Vatican every year. It was all about money and status, the lavish parties the bishop threw. I guess that stuff will stop now.
Best wishes always. Warmest hugs. Scottie
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