Men in dresses, keep away from kids per anti-drag laws
Why is this a bad thing? Seems correct to me is a decent society. Hugs
I dream of this song. If I ever have to go I will leave this as my good bye. Hugs
When I was locked in the attic this was one of the records I was able to find and play. I emagined so many reasons while Daniel went away.
This was one of the other records I had. I listened to it play over and over as I fell asleep. A sad lonely 14 year old locked in an attic over a garage because he was only wanted when he could be used to satisfy the abusers. The weird thing is they thought keeping me up there made me unhappy, but the truth is I felt safer there than in their home. I only worried when the lock was opened and one of them walked in. I had few choices then. But it was still one of the best summers of lack of abuse. Hugs
Ok earlier this week I was exhausted, but I was sick of a registry error I couldn’t clear on my video computer. So I tried to reset it. But every time I did Microsoft demand I sign in to rest the computer. That has long been my redline for Microsoft computers. So I got out an old ISO I had and installed the Windows program from that. I kept waiting all week for it to accept me into the extended updates program. But it did not do so.
So today, after getting home from taking Ron to get his eye exam and scheduled for the next couple weeks, I again dumped the computer, and this time I simply let the install and update program happen at its own pace. I am not sure if that is what did the trick, but the secondary computer is back up and on the Windows 10 Extended Updates program. That makes me very happy.
However, while I was working on the other computer I got the YouTube algarthym push of two songs that set me off: Terry Jackson’s seasons in the sun and REM Everyone Hurts. I started playing them… and falling down that rabbit hole when Ron innocently asked me to help him with something in the bedroom. Totally sabotage the meltdown that was building inside me. Oh, what did I do with the YouTube suggested songs? I closed the tabs as soon as I got back to the computers. I wish I had the strength to do that when YouTube first pushed them on me. But then it is not YouTube’s fault that those songs resonate so much with me. But then, as I was to regroup, I got hit with Eleton John’s Danial. Why does that song hit me so hard, you might ask? Because the summer I was forced to live in the attic over the garage with only a single electric cord that I could plug several things into, I found an abandoned record player one of my Hellspawn siblings had and a couple of 45 records. One was this one by Elton John, and I have no idea the real meaning of the song but I created lots of meanings in my head laying alone on a playwood floor with only a sleeping bag to give me comfort and a small black lab dog that I swam out to save who stayed in that space with me.
Do I need to list the songs that are triggeering me… or describe being locked in a storage space above the garage? The wired thing is I know they must have realized I was able to take some electric from the grarage below. But when they locked the door, did they know I was still small enough to fit between the studs and shimmy down to the garage below? I wonder if they depended on it. Anyway, this is a non-graphic part of my life that might help others understand me.
However there were times that summer when the door opened and one of my abusers came in. I knew what I had to do, I knew what was the only way to protect my dog, and I knew my place as a 14 / 15 year old kid. Sad hugs. Scottie
I have had two bad nights. My butt is all scratched up because in my nightmares I am trying to remove the pain of the things forced into me. My pain provider told me today that I really need to think about finding a new therapist because she could see the knife edge I am on. She asked about how hard it was to talk to Ron and did it help? I had to explain how it hurt Ron to hear of my abuse and I hated to see that hurt settle in on him. I explained it comes in cycles and I am starting into a bad part of the cycle. Hugs
I am so tired of the memories and trying to function normally with these memories ravaging my mind and emotions. I need to run away, I want to run far from the memories, but there is no way to. Sad hugs. Scottie
I had a really bad night where I was tearing my skin on my butt and thrashing around. Ron tried twice to wake me and once when he did it I was so deep in my memories of abuse that I tried to protect myself from him. Once I was awake and knew what he had tried to do for me I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tossed and turned until I got up.
But then I did something that most people won’t understand, and in truth I don’t either. I suffered from the memories of my past and then when I woke up and went to my office to then go online to the Male Survivor site. There I read more stories of abuse like mine. Not all abuse stories have the physical abuse that mine did but the rest is still abuse I understand. Still the reading of their abuse so mirrowed mine caused me even more distress and upset.
I sat at my desk this morning and just cried. No video on the other computer, no reading anything on the other computer. Just sitting here remembering the assaults, the pain of having a cock forced into my rectrum unwanted and not lubed, being forced to take a cock into my mouth with their hands firmly grasping my head so I had to take more of their dick than I could breathe with in my mouth. I apologize for being so graphic, but either I rejoin the survivors site and go down that rabbit hole, or just try to gently share the childhood I had here. To tell the truth even now I am rocked and my stomach is upset over what I remember.
I know those who were abused either physically, emotionally, or even sexually understand what I am trying to say. The memories never go away; they fade and for a while you can ignore them. But then like what happened to me the last two nights I had nightmares of my childhood in complete color and detail. I not only remembered the events in my dreams; I felt every aspect of it on my body, and then the worst part. Something I have not shared yet. Ron woke me saying Scottie, no one is hitting you now. My body did not agree with him.
Some of my abusers would force me to say back to them things they wanted to hear me say. You like this don’t you! Thank me for fucking you! You caused me to beat you and now say you’re sorry for doing that. So many more. I struggle with the memories of one hellspawn sibling male holding my little balls in his hand and squessing until I agreed to drink his pee just to stop him hurting me. For the two male siblings and their father there was no understanding or sympathy. They wanted a couple of things, my humiliation and their sexual satisfaction. They demanded I admit I was not equal to them and that they could abuse me with no consequences.
So I had had many months without much issues rocking my calm. But the last three nights have given me nightmares, and Ron has had to wake me because I was trying hard to scream out. I am a bit scared to go back to bed because as soon as I sleep the memories will return. I do not want or need to relive that time of my life. Anyway I will go back to listening to the election results. But I am worried this will be another even worse night for me. How do I avoid the pain I know is coming? Damn now I am scared to go to bed. Hugs
White House version of photo, versus original one by Getty. The vanity is nauseating.
Bernie Moreno is keeping shut about Max Miller beating his daughter because Max has blackmail on Bernie being gay.
This is gross and emasculating.
It is grotesque to use a man’s funeral as an opportunity to grovel at the feet of another man and to use his legacy to curry favor in such a sycophantic manner.
But that is how weak men see the world.
I love everyone, but I had to deal with many issues. Yesterday I had to dump my entire secondary computer to fix a regesty error. But every time I tried to come back up, Microsoft insisted I sign in with an internet that they could monitor. I refused. So I needed to wipe out my entire C drive, and now I am trying to rebuild it. Lucky for me if the powers that be won’t allow me to rejoin the older Windows program, well I have been experimenting with Linux stuff. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 