I went to bed about normal 7 pm for me. Surprisingly when I told Ron he said he wanted to go also. That was about 2 hours or earlier than he normally goes to bed. His normal time to go to bed is 9 or a bit later. But we went to bed together. Along with Tupac.
We cuddled several hours with me holding him and then us reversing and him cuddling me. We go back and forth during the night. We often fall asleep in each other’s arms, and I often get my most restful sleep while we cuddle. Which is going to seem strange with what I am going to write next.
After four hours of holding each other, I noticed Ron’s legs were fidgeting and fussing. I asked him if he legs were bothering him and he replied yes. I was a bit miffed he did not tell me before I noticed but I told him we needed to take some time off on our own sides and he asked if we could cuddle later to which I agreed.
At some point I started to have a bad memory nightmare. I know in the nightmare I was begging for help, I was screaming for help. Then I could hear Ron’s voice calling me begging me to wake up, but my fear / pain was too much and I still yelled for anyone to help me.
Then With Ron yelling next to me, as he knew better than to touch me when I am in that state, I started to hear him and even as I was still crying out for help I heard him beg me to follow his voice. When I came to he told me I was the loudest I had been in a long time, begging for help at one point I screamed out several times “help me, someone please help me”.
After he woke me I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. When I got back he asked if I wanted to talk. I said no. He told me Scottie that was bad, you were really upset and loud. I just got back into bed and faced away from him. He understood I was not ready to deal with it.
For the next couple of hours I lay there trying not to think of the memories I had just experienced in my nightmare. In the morning I got up early, when Ron got up he twice asked me to talk about what I went through. I told him I was not ready yet. I could see him wanting more but knowing pushing me would only cause me pain.
The memory / nightmare was a really bad hours long rapes by multiple people when I was a really young kid. I was young enough to think that screaming and yelling would get me help. As I got older I understood doing such things only brought more punishment. In the dream I was experiencing it as I did then, with all the pain, panic, desperation and then submission.
I have come to realize burdening Ron with these memories only causes him to feel pain thinking of what I went through with no way to stop it. Trust me my wonderful Ron would have killed to stop a child being abused. Yes he tries to be a grand husband to comfort me, but it is wrong of me to ask that of him I think. Is it transferring my pain on to him in the name of “sharing”, the same question could be asked of my sharing of it on the blog. But he can only take the pain and memories I share as I could only take the abuse. He is then stuck with them in his mind as I am with them in mine. Do I have that right? Is that not abusing my own husband the man I adore to do that, to ask that. Is that the same for when I share with everyone here on my blog. I am giving you my memories and pain with no way to stop it. Have I become a villain, an abuser?
Until I figure out if I am doing more damage than good I will have to keep telling him I just don’t want to talk. Better to suffer in silence than cause him a pain he can not rid himself of. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
As a spouse, I can say that when a spouse tells the other spouse something like this, it doesn’t just lay it on them. Together, you can both let it go. I’d like to say that, over the years I’ve read here, Ron sounds like just the husband to whom you can tell these things, and he will then lead you both to the letting go.
I could be talking through my hat, but I do want you to consider that. Also, I think the abuse the current administration is perpetrating is causing PTSD. You are not alone in that! Not that everyone’s is as harrowing, but it’s causing PTSD in everyone who’s experienced abuse, battery, and harassment in its various forms. This is not to make yours smaller, it’s to remind you that you are not alone. I’m glad you felt like you could write this here, and no, you did not lay this on my shoulders other than I will send out comforting and healing energy into the universe for you and all of us.💫
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Hi Ali. What you wrote makes sense. Yes Ron wants to help and he does. What you wrote about depression is also true. I am slipping more and more into depression. For two days I have struggled to function. I have retreated to my bed four times today unable to get the energy to do anything. Yes it is the helplessness to stop the constant dismantling of democracy and the rollback of all rights to make the US a white straight cis Christian Male run society like the 1950s. The fact that openly white supremacist not only got great power but are open about their goal along with the complete cruelty of the way they are doing it. Now a small vocal Christian minority is calling on the SCOTUS to overturn the ruling for same sex marriage, with the goal of making laws nationwide to outlaw it. Why, all the things they claimed would happen did not. It is pure hate. And I am not dealing well right now. Hugs
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he loves you, he wants the best for you. And he knows, he understands. I think you have to trust him in this, and let him in. He did not personally experience what you did, so for him this is one remove from your actual memories.
Not abuse, no. Love, yes.
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Hi Judy. I agree with you and that he wants to help. When I first came out to him about my abusive childhood in 2007 he told me he already figured out I had been abused, he just did not know how. I let him know more as time went on. In 2had a complete breakdown and he found out so much more than I had ever told him. Now that I am suffering from depression and PTSD I am acting out at night almost every night, yelling or fighting in my sleep. When I sleep, often I just lay there. Ron wants me to go to therapy but we have no money for it right now. Too many other things going wrong. Hugs
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Ron loves and understands you.
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Thank you Suze. I agree with you. When I completely had a mental breakdown in 2014 Ron was working nights 12 hour shifts. I refused to leave our bedroom, at first laying on the bed not moving waiting to die. Then he was working with my doctors to get me interested in living so he set up my X-boxes and ran a line for headphones from the TV to get me to even watch movies or play a game. He brought my meals to me. My doctors told him he needed to figure out at activity I could do in the room that would keep me interested and active so he moved my computer desk set up in to the bedroom and also found room for a rolling table with drawers for a hot plate and work area and set me to making candles. He bought huge slaps of wax and cut them up for me, he got molds, colors, wicks, and everything I needed. All day while he slept, I made candles and was on my computer. He never complained. I made candles by the hundreds and he would box them up and store them. I never even thought to ask where the candles were going. After a year or more I started to leave the room. He got me to go with him to the craft store to get supplies. I made candles for another year or so. After I got better Ron showed me the boxes of candles. He figures I made about 3 thousand candles of all sizes and colors. So yes he loves me, he was doing all this while working 12 hour shifts in the open heart ICU. Hugs
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I echo the others’ advice to trust Ron. When you write about it, I’m often impressed anew with him. But I can see how being in such a dark emotional place can be hard to push out from, that it seems to be more than the sum of its parts.
I also admire your strength in writing about this and posting it online. As we have exchanged in comments before, writing and exposing myself always helps me, and I hope our online community can give you the extra energy to trust Ron and open up.
I agree with Ali’s insights about this damn administation. They’re loathsome. Hugs, M
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Hi Michael. Thank you. I agree with you that writing helps me deal with it all even as it causes me anxiety that I am harming those who read what I lived through. Ron has been a rock for me. Please read what I replied to Suze what Ron did for me when I had my breakdown in 2014, when I couldn’t handle it anymore and therapy was not helping. When I started to tell Ron about my abuse in vague terms in 2007 he told me it was clear to him I had been abused he just was not clear how. He told me how I panicked if he came into the bedroom when he moved in with me. How the slightest noise bothered me, how he couldn’t roll over without me nearly jumping out of bed. He reminded me of the time shortly after moving in where he reached out to pull me to him and I completely freaked out nearly hurting him in my effort to get away from him. So he knew but just not how much and he admitted he did not know how to help me so until I opened up to him he just gave me love when he saw me struggling. I had not realized how much my childhood abuse showed.
I also agree with Ali. With everything going on I am again struggling with depression. The kind that keeps me from functioning, makes it hard to even concentrate on watching videos and almost impossible to do blogging or replying to comments. For two days I have been unable to function online, barely able to read and post memes / political cartoons. I feel so helpless to change the situation, to fight the rollback of rights for marginalized people, the destructions of democracy, and the open glorifying of white Christian straight cis male society. It just reminds me of being a little kid again helpless to stop the abuse or even find safety from it. The people in charge then should have protected me instead they not only abused me but let others do it also. I feel the same thing is going on in the USA. Hugs
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I also agree with Ali. I came here to comment that you might want to just turn the news all the way off for a while. It’s full of so many violations of decency and empathy right now that any news might be a problem.
Hugs back at you, Scottie.
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Hi MDavis. Yes I agree the constant drumbeat of hate and cruelty is harming me. I feel the way I did as a little boy and all those with power / authority around me I was powerless to keep from abusing me or farming me out to others. I have spent two days barely able to function for more than cartoons and memes online. I have not even been able to deal with the much loved comments. Instead I find myself trying to keep busy doing housework and retreating to my bed. The loss of rights driven by a hateful minority trying to drive the country into a white straight cis Christian controlled country with the ideals of the public society of the 1950s or the current Russian model. I am feeling better tonight but I originally went to bed at 4 pm. I had planned to stay in bed all night. But after a few hours got up and felt up to getting back on the computers. Hugs
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I do appreciate you taking the time and energy, Scottie.
You’ve said many times that you love the comments, but it’s still a kindness to read and reply.
Always hugs if wanted.
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I think he is happy, to try to carry some of the load Scottie. We all need somebody sometime. Ron seems like a pretty good somebody.
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Hi Shelldigger. Yes I agree with you. But it is hard to admit I need that help. How I see myself takes a huge hit when it comes to the childhood I lived through. For example … Trigger warning … you may not want to read the rest.
I had gotten home after 4 years in the US Army, I was at the peak of my training and physical strength. One of the extra skills I had learned when I was in the army was driving a Semi. So when I got back I got a call from my hell spawn “brother” who was 11 years older than me. He was a long haul trucker and wanted me to go on a run with him. I was 23 and thought I was safe and that he wanted me to help with the driving.
The first night we stopped he drank a better half of a six pack of beer knowing it was not allowed, and tried to get me to drink. I didn’t. He got into the bunk and I settled down in the passenger chair. He told me I should get in the bunk. I said I was ok where I was, he got angry and demanded I get in the bunk as he couldn’t sleep if I was in the chair.
You can guess what happened. I felt I was safe as I had my pants on. But I was 122 pounds and small, he was 6 foot 2 inches and well over 200 pounds. As soon as I laid down on the bunk he forced me on my stomach and forced my pants off … he raped me just as he did in my childhood. I froze and became the little boy he abused so long before like it was yesterday. For the next four days of the trip I stayed in the bunk with my clothes off and he raped me every time the truck stopped.
The weirdest thing was when a few weeks later he called again to demand I go on a run with him he couldn’t understand why I refused. He was quite angry and kept trying to get me to go. Shortly after that I met Ron and he gave me the strength and love to get away from those who had abused me for 23 years. Hugs
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Ron must be a great guy and a great person. Reading that, I want to track down your brother and kick his ******* ass.
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Yeah, me, too.
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