Recently in a comment Roger sent me a poem. I am not much on poetry but this one is short and powerful and it expresses what I am feeling inside most days. Thank you very much Roger for believing in me and your support. Hugs
INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul.
Scottie's Playtime 
I’m glad you found this, and yes it’s powerful. Scottie, never doubt that we don’t have your back. You matter.
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Thank you Judy. If you don’t mind please read what I wrote to Ali and her post of support. I am emotionally drained and am afraid of opening the demon chest in my mind if I try to do it again.
But know your positive support is so important to me. I suffered decades of negatives about me and what I was had driven into me by beatings, oral and anal rapes, and constant neglect including the with holding of food. Most people simply do not understand how hard it is to see myself as a person of any worth with that constantly in the back of my head trying to scream at me. The positives and I have many, I was a two tour military veteran, worked with intelligence, was shot at driving VIPs from the US in East Berlin, highly skilled at my job, and more. But the past abuse is always there and the positives fight hard against that, but … I still have bad nightmares at least three times a week that Ron has to fight to get me out of.
But thank you again. I try really hard to help other oppressed people. I often wonder if my posts do any good or are they helping. I am glad you read them, it makes what I do worthwhile. Hugs
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I have been simply so thankful that you’ve gotten well enough to reclaim your blog, and now to claim this poem. I hope you tape a copy to all your work spaces, as well as your bathroom mirror! I’m glad you’re getting better.
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Hi Ali. It is a constant struggle. And as I have mentioned my therapist I finally forced myself to go to is not correct for me. She is very young and not trained for my kind of abuse needs and every time I try to talk about it she cuts me off. But I had the time to do more blogging when Ron’s sister was here. Now that Ron is back to trying to work on the bathroom I am again time challenged. For example I made breakfast this morning taking an hour or more out of my time. I just did the dishes and that took 2 and a half hours. Ron just went for his afternoon naps and asked me what we were having for supper. I did not know I was making it, more time gone, and I have not taken anything out.
As to what I am going through. Roger gives me more credit than I think I deserve. Yes I have the freedom to talk about my abuse, but you see the ingrained immediate response to apologize for doing it. I feel bad about speaking of my abuse because it was punished into me for 23 years and then I hide it for decades. Ron knows so much more now but still I have not told him all of it. I feel that would hurt him too bad.
Ali I know you might understand due to your own history which I wish I could change for you. But most people don’t understand what I carry in my head. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and OCD as of now, but I think I was or am on the spectrum also. Most can’t understand the constant need for something in my head to keep the voices of my abusers / memories of it in the background but it is always there. Sometimes Ali it is so hard to function with it flashing memories of being raped, beaten, or even hearing someone in the “family” offer me up to someone else knowing I wouldn’t have a say and would have to do what ever they demanded. Other times it is the constant drum beat of their telling me how worthless and bad I am.
That Roger and now you believe I have that strength is golden to me. For most of my life the negatives driven into my head by voice, beatings, oral and anal rapes tell me I am the lowest of the low, I am not a proud warrior trying hard to make it through the minefield in my head. Every word of support and positive fights hard against the decades after decades of being told I was nothing but something to be used by others.
If you have time I will tell you an example. My adopting abusers followed us to Florida because they thought they could summer at our place, something Ron cut short seeing what was happening to me with them around. One afternoon he walked into the living room to find my adopting abuser berating me and when he raised his hand to strike me Ron slammed into him. He told him if you ever speak to him that way again or hit him I will beat the shit out of you and you will never come here again. Ron told him agree to that now or get your shit and get the hell out of our home.
My adoptive abuser thought if he could take Ron who was in his prime and backed down. Several times after when at our home Ron again had to threaten them with leaving and never coming back but it was a turning moment in my life. I think you can understand the power of the moment when you see your abuser is not the all powerful commander of you that you must obey and find the strength to demand your own rights, even if it is helped by someone else standing up for you when you couldn’t due to conditioning.
Anyway thank you for the support, thank you for the posts you do, and thank you for the interesting and thought provoking comments we share. I am grateful for all of them. Best wishes and hugs.
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We believe that because you have come back more powerfully this time. I’ve been reading here for almost 4 years, so consider I’m acquainted with the patterns; that’s why I posted more even though I’d mentioned I was taking time off, a few weeks ago. I saw that you weren’t going to be able to keep posting. Sometimes I can see it coming, in other words. But when you’ve come back this time, and I understand you had more time for a while, you came back powerfully. You didn’t post all dark stuff darkly as you sometimes do, you posted news, and your own commentary. Again, I understand you had more time, but it’s been different this time. And now you have “Invictus” as affirmation. Affirmation may sound/seem like woo-woo, but it does help. I’m thankful, anyway. I remember January and February of 23, and some of the times since then. You seem to have reclaimed your strength of spirit now. Please keep it.💖 It is yours, and you don’t have to let it go. Be kind to you.
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Thank you Ali. Ron has his big sister and you seem to be mine. I will try I promise. Best wishes and hugs
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My own sister still says I was not a nice big sister, but only while we were kids. After we were on our own, we have each other’s backs completely, but are still honest with each other. Mostly we don’t disagree about very much at all, these days, though. 😀 She’s really lightened up! (jk) 😀
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